Deep Down Inside

Deep down inside I still think it’s my fault. My fault he didn’t treat me well. My fault he didn’t love me. My fault that I stayed so long. Deep down inside I live with the shame that I put so much into someone that thought so little of me. Deep down inside part of me still doesn’t think I deserve happiness. I punish myself day in and day out for all 5 years and 3 months with the ex factor. I feel like I walked through fire and instead of coming out feeling blessed to be alive…I feel charred and burnt. All I see are the scars…not the victory….of finally getting out. Growing up, no one ever told me that even when you love yourself, you will make a million wrong turns in love and each wrong turn will attack your self esteem but that doesn’t mean you are a victim! It doesn’t mean you can’t reclaim your life. It doesn’t mean you were created to drown by the hands of another. Deep down inside, my mind knows it was not all my fault…but try telling that to my heart. Elijah has been in my life for months now and while he has his own issues…I haven’t allowed myself one entire day to be happy with him. It’s the ultimate punishment for my past…to let the opportunity of true love pass me by. Every day is a struggle for Elijah and I. It’s like I’ve set up an obstacle course filled with daggers, rings of fire, and quick sand…and if Elijah doesn’t get through all of them…we won’t make it. Hell…he might have an obstacle course set up for me too. And so we fail each other…every day. Why would we do this? Maybe it’s because…deep down inside…we don’t feel we deserve love. Deep down inside. I’m buried deep down inside. I’m drowning, I’m struggling, and I’m fighting…to pick up the pieces. So much lives in me…deep down inside. ~KJM on Flashback Friday