The Times I Could Not Look At Myself In The Mirror (The I Didn’t Know My Own Strength Edition)

Cringe worthy! It is hard to revisit at times…but we have all been there. There were times that our self worth perished and as a result, we embarrassingly tried to piece our lives together. For 5 years, I lived in a world of shame. The relationship I had with the ex factor brought me to lows I never thought I could drop to. ME…a beautiful, intelligent, driven, and loving woman. Yet, there I was hiding from others while living at the bottom of the pit of despair. No one could get me out of there but myself and God. The problem with getting out, however, was that I would first have to admit to myself how I got there. Some may say it was a period of low self esteem, but I promise you…it was more deeper than that. Let’s pick our faces up off the floor and revisit the times when we did not know our own strength:
 
7. THE TIME WE ACCEPTED A RELATIONSHIP THAT GAVE US LESS THAN WE DERSERVED! Maybe he wanted a “friends with benefits” situation and we wanted a serious commitment but we settled for less. Praying and hoping we could change his mind, we ventured deeper into this dead end relationship. As we look around, everyone else is getting married yet here we are letting him sneak in and out of our beds! “Mama said there would be days like this,” but lawd a mercy, we hoped she was referring to another young woman and not us! It’s painful to see people living out their dreams while we are stuck in a nightmare!
 
6. THE TIME YOU THOUGHT A BABY WOULD DEEPEN AND SAVE AN UNSAVABLE RELATIONSHIP! I know this is going to sound crazy but some women still think a baby will save their relationship/marriage! Wake up baby girl! A baby will only put more stress on a stressful situation. The more you go down this road is the greater chance you have of being a single mom. Nothing in this world can make a man stay but that man himself. Please try and save your womb for someone you know loves you, cherishes you, and wants a family.
 
5. THAT TIME YOU WENT PAST YOUR SEXUAL LIMITS/HAD A THREESOME TO KEEP A MAN! When I was in college, I saw this happening to girls of all races. There was a need to be liked by boys or a particular boy. Without knowing it, these girls sold their soul for a boy only to be labeled as “easy,” “whores,” and “sluts.” Baby girl, if you are reading this, please love your body enough to only engage in sexual activity you truly want to experience. If you have to go front ways, side ways, and over a rooftop sexually to keep a man, then he is not the one for you!
 
4. THE TIME WE LEFT AND WENT BACK TO A BAD RELATIONSHIP! I went back to the ex factor at least three major times over the course of five years. Each time, I would tell my friends AND myself…that this time would be different. Each time was worse than the last! Picking my face up off the floor after each disappointment was hard. Why would such a smart woman allow herself to be treated in such a manner? Truth be told, no matter how much we love ourselves, we will all always make mistakes. These mistakes, hopefully, will make us stronger girlfriends, wives, and mothers in the future. There is a lesson to be learned around every dark corner! Oh how I hope and pray that is true!
 
3. THE SHAME YOU FELT WHEN WE LEFT AND WENT BACK TO A BAD RELATIONSHIP THAT NOW HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE GOOD! This one is a little bit tricky. I have a few friends that either dated or married someone when they were younger….who was not good for them then. This man came back years later and became an amazing husband and father. Generally, when you are in a “makeup to breakup” relationship, it is unhealthy and should be abandoned. However, there are rare instances where a person (maybe even both of you) needed time to grow and learn from your mistakes. I think the common theme in this situation was that they gave each other time to grow….so essentially they still abandoned the “makeup to breakup” cycle until they got themselves together. The two major obstacles here are (a) family and friends still talking about your relationship from the past and assuming that this time is going to be no different and (b) the couple acknowledging that they have both grown and trying not to revert back to their old unhealthy ways. I think if both obstacles are overcome by a good and hardworking couple, they just might make it. In that case, tell family and friends to mind their own business. This would be the time to drop the shame and guilt and go enjoy the life that God created just for you! Everyone’s love story is different!
 
2. THE TIME WE KNEW HE WAS CHEATING AND STAYED ANYWAY! Yikes! This one leaves a bad taste in my mouth! I am a firm believer that a spouse is usually the first person to know that their mate is cheating. For me, my gut always tells me so. Something is just off…even if I can’t put my finger on it. Now for this one…I will not even attempt to tell the married people what to do. I am only speaking to the non-married people. When you are continuously faced with cheating and you keep taking the person back without them doing work on themselves first and then work on the relationship, get ready for a lifetime of cheating. Even if he proposes marriage, nothing will probably change. Get out while you can and find a man who embodies commitment! I believe that man does exist!
 
1. THE TIME YOU LET HIM ABUSE YOU! Abusive relationships are no joke. I never hide that I grew up around a sea of domestic violence. Whether the women in my family were the bread winners or not…they were getting their asses beat daily! Baby girl, especially if you have children, realize that this is one of the unhealthiest situations to endure. Anyone who puts their hands on you….cannot possibly love you. Get out now! Value your life and your children’s future. Also, remember that there is emotional, verbal, sexual, financial, and physical abuse. Many of us are focused on not getting that first punch to the face that we forget, he’s been controlling our lives and our finances for over a decade! Yes that’s right…abuse manifests itself in many different forms. Educate yourself to each of them! ~KJM saying once “I did not know my own strength” but now I do…on Charm School Monday!