It’s tough being a Gemini! We feel so much…so suddenly…and all those feelings are real. Yes we can switch it up on people really fast but that does not make us two faced…it just makes us in tuned to every part of our mind, body, and soul. The Gemini rarely represses anything…we expose it all…sometimes in the blink of an eye. That’s us in a nutshell! And while half the time I feel out of my damn mind…I have accepted all parts of me as they submerge. ?? Perhaps this explains Saturday night. I went to bed happy and full! Then awoke in tears that flowed all day! Like all fucking day! The tears got more intense as I started googling articles about emotionally unavailable men. If you are dating or married to one…please do not Web MD your mind! Boy was I in for a mind fuck! I know I’ve warned you guys of these articles but I’m human! Of course, I still get sucked in to them. Most of the articles had some common themes (1) an emotionally available man is a lot of fucking work so ask yourself if he’s worth it (no shit)! (2) only a very independent woman who does not look for a man to be her everything can pair well with an emotionally unavailable man! (3) if I’m googling, I’m probably not in a good place and need to reassess myself! Some articles suggested I was broken (possibly true from childhood stuff) because only a broken woman would entertain a man incapable of commitment and emotions! The irony here is the articles changed their tune when addressing a wife married to an emotionally unavailable man. They basically said do the work Bitch and get him to do it too! All in all…the “experts” seem to suggest a man being emotionally unavailable must find his way with patience, freedom, and understanding! Now I get that one! We women can’t change a man! Working on ourselves is already a fucking ordeal! Can’t imagine sorting out his shit too! Further in tears, I checked in with some of my beautiful girlfriends who were in heartbreak hotel back in March when I saw them and are now happily in love! I am so overjoyed for them because I know the dark corners they had to turn to find new and reaffirming love! So proud of them but once they asked me for an update…I burst in tears because like I’m in the same fucking place they left me! A place of uncertainty with the Ex Factor. Now crying and crying, I reached out to some of my other girlfriends who would understand me or can provide guidance. Harmony and I are so much alike. She gets that we made a choice to live this freeing life without marriage and children but sometimes there’s a price to pay for it all! While I’m booking my next vacation (which I love doing) my peeps are getting engaged and having babies! I thank Harmony for getting me! It’s nice to be easily understood. Then I reached out to Scarlet and she provided some words of comfort and told me to be easy on myself…so grateful for her…because she got me on the right track….the track of self love and self acceptance. But it was when I reached out to Grace that it all came together for me. When Grace speaks…I tend to listen because she’s one of my few friends who live and breathe the scripture! She sets me straight with the Word and all of a sudden I understand myself better. Yesterday, however, she refuted some of these articles and told me to take all the good news that’s being flooded my way as a sign that happiness was on the way!?? And that’s when I did it…I had a honest conversation with myself…where I am…and what I want! I have always known that I was emotionally unavailable romantically. It’s the biggest complaint I’ve received from guys I’ve dated…especially Julio!? I feel so much but there’s very few guys that could tap into those feelings. Matter of fact…the Ex Factor is the only one and I’m willing to bet that’s because when two emotionally unavailable people meet up…one must bend a bit. And so it was me! I had to reveal parts of myself…be vulnerable…which I only started to do in 2016! As much as you all have been following the Ex Factor and I…there’s so much you do not know nor can comprehend about us. For example, we’ve never said I love you in person! I have known that I loved him since July 2010! It’s now December 2016 and I’ve yet to say it to his face! It’s not because it’s not real to me….it’s because it’s TOO real to me. I feel it in all I do! In the air I breathe, when I fall asleep at night, when I wake up in the mornings, and even when I am driving! I FEEL HIS LOVE! And it paralyzes me at times because I’m afraid that love could change the core of who I am…independent and strong…and not for the better. Another fun fact…I don’t know if I’ve mentioned…is even though he’s been in my life for 6.5 years…half of that time we were not dating! I left him every time things got hard…sometimes with a warning shot and many times without a single word. I’ve left him in the dust without an explanation because if I had to say a word…I would have stayed! Sometimes he deserved to be left but last year in particular…I should have taken Nicole, Junior, and Grace’s advice and rode out the bumps in the road until things were smooth again! But Elijah presented himself and I figured it was a sign from God to run from the Ex Factor!? I don’t regret Elijah because I learned so much about myself and the way I communicate in relationships! I learned that I was trying to control the Ex Factor with my silent treatments and nasty ways and when it didn’t work…I bounced! Elijah taught me those things when he tried to use those very same tactics on me! And it didn’t get Elijah…me…no it didn’t. I left. No matter what I’ve done…the Ex Factor has never left me…all he’s ever asked is that I’m patient and give him time to get where I need him to be. Deep…the problem with being patient (besides the fact that I have none!) is I fear that over time we may not choose each other or worse…he may not choose me! The Ex Factor is the one and only man…I’ve ever been afraid of losing. This is also a good time to remind myself and my readers that even when I realized Elijah was not the one…I sat on my ass and decided pride was more important than love. I never reached out to the Ex Factor…he reached out to me! As he has continuously been doing for the last 6.5 years! If I have to text first I’m annoyed and feel rejected because I feel like I should be catered the fuck to but if I’m being honest…I did not always deserve to be catered to! Not to mention…I’ve yet to entrust the Ex Factor with some news that’s changed my life drastically in mid July! I told him my life was changing and I needed to know if he would be there for me. He asked over and over again….what was happening and yet I still couldn’t let him in. That piece of myself that I kept tucked away is the reason I started to exert serious pressure on our situationship! I was asking him to let me in without being able to let him in my damn self! And so our lives continued to be a struggle! I would push and he would pull! Tucking ourselves away for fear of being rejected. That’s our story! This was the conversation I had with myself…perhaps I am broken but the thing I must acknowledge is I am not ready either…I just do not want to be waiting in vain. If one of you introduced me to your very serious relationship minded brother or friend…I would probably cheat on him and then leave him! ? That’s a hard fucking truth to admit but the two serious guys I’ve dated…I fucked over. Not speaking of Julio nor Elijah here! ✌?️ They were each their own joke in their own way and not ready for shit but to control somebody. A guy I use to care about once told me he was falling for me and that he wanted to marry me…I hung up the phone on him and never picked it back up. It’s 8 years later…and I still never did pick up my phone! Don’t worry…last I check…he’s now happily married. Got married shortly after I stopped picking up my phone. When a man is ready….he’s ready…and when Kingston isn’t…she ain’t!?? So I get the Ex Factor’s stance for I am the female version of him! And Lawd knows I always keep my options open or else there couldn’t have been an Elijah! Yet even with being honest with myself…it took a while to figure out where the tears were really coming from. Well I’m at the end of my period so there’s that! ? But I think the bigger reason is I’ve never worked anything out with any man before now. That’s why Julio and I didn’t make it amongst other reasons. We kept sweeping the dirt under the rug and trying to start again until the dirt was just too much! Now…with the Ex Factor…I’m surrounded by my stuff and his stuff! ? I am in the room with the dirt and I’m not sweeping it under the rug. I’m slowly trying to throw it out as we tackle each particle. And if these articles are right…the odds are not in my favor. But I LOVE HIM. These sites make love seem so easy. Like finding a man who can commit now will make a good marriage later! I hear it takes a lot more to make a marriage work…though commitment is the first step. But my follow through game is so different than many. If I don’t love that man….I will always leave him…for it’s only love that could stop me in my tracks! I need someone who appreciates my independence and is patient with me. Someone not trying to change me. Maybe I’m doomed. Maybe true heartbreak is on its way. No matter what…I want to be able to say I stood up and fought for us. That I didn’t give up until it was clear there was nothing left there to build on! So I was crying because I want to stay and be patient with this man. I want to be human. I want to take a risk on love. I want to live with my heart outside of my body. And so I right before I put the S back on my chest…I want to say that I’m choosing the life I’m living…and I’m vulnerable in this moment. ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Shout out to Harmony, Scarlet, and Grace ? 

Still in my holiday funk, I used the Friday after Thanksgiving to regroup. It was going to be a day of pampering for me! Somewhere in the midst of my mani and pedi, I got the strongest feeling to turn my negative energy into a positive one. Once again, I felt deeply connected to some of my friends. One in particular had been on my mind for the last two weeks! I reached out to those I could and decided to spread a little holiday cheer. After my mani and pedi, I picked up my little helper (my cousin who is home on break from Spelman), and we were off to make the day a good one! The Holidays can be such a rough time for many people. Not everyone will share their concerns and worries with you. So if you find yourself in a bad place, try your best to pay it forward to those around you best you can. It could be volunteering your time, checking up on loved ones that you haven’t heard from in a while, or just doing a random small act of kindness. Stay in tuned with the fact that while your holidays may not be what you envisioned…you currently have the life that someone else is praying for! ?? Spreading kindness in a world that appears to have forgotten the importance of love, patience, and tolerance is imperative. And to be honest…it feels great to put smiles on faces! Stepping outside of my own disappointments made Thanksgiving mean so much more. I cannot do a thing about the things in life that sadden me but I can embrace the world with a positive outlook and share that outlook. ❤️I even boldly reached out to the Ex Factor though I’m not sure if things will ever get better there but I still reached out. That’s all we can do this holiday season….abandon our pride and egos and think of others more than we think of ourselves! Pay it forward with LOVE! ~KJM on Serenity Sunday?

Yesterday, gathered with great family and friends, I tried my best to find the Thanksgiving spirit. Several things had occurred to really blow my holiday spirit before it even began…starting with my parents of course. They just couldn’t agree on anything…so Thanksgiving was divided. Sigh…this year of all years…with so much going on in our family…we should have all eaten together! But even with all the protests from us kids…my parents would not compromise on what I consider to be a silly disagreement on both their parts. And so we split the time….earlier in the day with my mom and dinner with my daddy. Sigh…to make matters more uncomfortable…I had this heavy feeling in my heart. Every year the Ex Factor always reaches out on Thanksgiving and Christmas…no matter if we are speaking or not. Things have been so off with us and I signaled that I needed some space. To which he responded positively to. I’m trying to find a balance of having him in my life but creating much distance between us. You see we agree on nothing right now except that we aren’t ready to not have each other in our lives. I’ve blocked him via phone over the years…yet he always finds a way around it or I let my guard down and we are right back to talking. When we aren’t disagreeing…we laugh so much! I love his easy going nature (most of the time) matched with my intense going getting nature. He’s been the ying to my yang for so many years. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just getting complacent but then I remember that I’ve found that laughter in no one before nor after him. Not in the way we crack each other up. I love that he loves his sleep and I’m of course…always awake! We are both family oriented though we always keep our families separate from each other…except his relationship with Junior. Junior, my baby brother, has always taken a liking to the Ex Factor in a way he has never looked out for any of the guys I’ve dated. He and the Ex Factor had a secret face to face talk behind my back. Not sure when. I only learned about it later on when my brother worried I would hate him for meddling. The fact that the two of them spoke on a positive level about me didn’t bother me one bit. My brother was looking out for my best interest and the Ex Factor was trying to prove that he was in fact my best interest. Overall, my brother says he didn’t believe the Ex Factor was out to hurt me…he just has a lot of growing up to do. And my brother warned that it may be a long time before the Ex Factor matures. He would still support us but it was totally up to me if I wanted to wait however many years on the Ex Factor. According to the Ex Factor, as long as he had his family and friends…he would be fine! This was in response to my brother warning him that he could lose me. Now I wasn’t there so I can’t be sure of his tone/delivery but these words have haunted me for the last couple of months. In essence, my family and true friends mean everything to me. They have held me down through it all! But I took the Ex Factor’s words to mean that I did not matter. And when we hit our bumps in the road, I’ve silently held these words against him. I know this isn’t right. One of us has to be transparent! One of us has to be vulnerable! But why does it have to be me? Last night…after all the festivities…and still no word from the Ex Factor…it dawned on me that we were no different than my parents! Pride was leading every move we made…not love! And look where that’s gotten my parents! So after midnight…I text “Happy Thanksgiving Ex Factor! Hope you and your family had a good one!” You would think this was a sign of progress…a sign of me being vulnerable and letting down my walls BUT NO! ?Perhaps only he would notice this but I never call him by his name. It’s always babe or boo. He calls me babe or hun (which I loathe). It was like I was saying “Happy Thanksgiving!” but my pride is signaling that you are no longer my love…you are just my friend. I wanted to make him feel the way I’ve been feeling for the last couple of years! Of course, at the time I sent the text, I didn’t see it that way but by the time I woke up and didn’t see a text back from him…I knew the type of message I sent wasn’t really filled with thankfulness and love. Pride is still in control. ?Maybe one day we will both meet the right person who makes us want to abandon our pride. Maybe…one…day. I just don’t know. Yet I’m left with this unsettling feeling and still two more major holidays left in this season! I would love to hear from my readers. I could use some words of encouragement. It’s like I want to be loved…flaws and all….wholeheartedly…but I want to be able to hide my true feelings every step of the way….I’m afraid of getting hurt again. ~KJM on Flashback Friday. FYI by the time I finished writing this post…the Ex Factor did respond to my text. He sent back pretty much the same message I gave him…no nickname of endearment…? 

I have often wondered why I’m back in the same place I was in 2010. Why must I endure more pain and heartache with the Ex Factor?! Why was I not strong enough to escape this cycle? What is the lesson to be learned here? Whatever it is….I’m eager to learn it because I do not want to be in the same place this time next year. Then I saw a quote by Iyanla Vanzant and it all began to make sense: “Facing the truth is hard. It is painful as hell. The truth will set you free BUT you have to ENDURE THE PAIN OF BIRTHING IT.” ~Iyanla Vanzant?? I think, though I cannot be sure, that this is the message for me. I’m always running from the Ex Factor the minute I begin to feel pain but was never strong enough to stand still in my truth and endure the pain of birthing it! What is my truth that I need to endure? Perhaps it may be that in summer 2010…the Ex Factor was everything I needed in that moment in time. On my face financially, he was there for me. That was his season and his purpose. But truth be told that was the one and only season he was there for me…that he put me first. Fighting to get the old Ex Factor back has been a losing battle. That loving, caring, and thoughtful guy isn’t returning…at least not for me. And it was hard to let go of that season. I do not think even he wanted to let go of it…as I didn’t get into this cycle by myself. But here we still are…and I’m doing my best to endure it…THIS time…and give birth to my painful truth. I have no clue where my truth will lead me. And I’m frightened. Yes…Kingston Jael Michaels…is terrified. I love the Ex Factor with all my heart. Maybe I wasn’t certain of it before but I’m sure of it now. But sometimes our love feels more like a burden than heaven sent. Maybe we are in the middle of a storm? Or maybe this is just us?? Whatever it is…I must see it through until the Good Lord feels I’ve gone as far as I can and that I’ve learned the lesson HE brought me here to teach me. You see…birthing your truth…I believe…is more than endurance of pain. It’s also about a life lesson that we need to learn to prepare us for our future. It is God’s way of saying HE is not done with us yet…and have no fear…because HE has prepared us for this journey.?~KJM on Serenity Sunday saying do not be afraid to birth your painful truth!