Yesterday, gathered with great family and friends, I tried my best to find the Thanksgiving spirit. Several things had occurred to really blow my holiday spirit before it even began…starting with my parents of course. They just couldn’t agree on anything…so Thanksgiving was divided. Sigh…this year of all years…with so much going on in our family…we should have all eaten together! But even with all the protests from us kids…my parents would not compromise on what I consider to be a silly disagreement on both their parts. And so we split the time….earlier in the day with my mom and dinner with my daddy. Sigh…to make matters more uncomfortable…I had this heavy feeling in my heart. Every year the Ex Factor always reaches out on Thanksgiving and Christmas…no matter if we are speaking or not. Things have been so off with us and I signaled that I needed some space. To which he responded positively to. I’m trying to find a balance of having him in my life but creating much distance between us. You see we agree on nothing right now except that we aren’t ready to not have each other in our lives. I’ve blocked him via phone over the years…yet he always finds a way around it or I let my guard down and we are right back to talking. When we aren’t disagreeing…we laugh so much! I love his easy going nature (most of the time) matched with my intense going getting nature. He’s been the ying to my yang for so many years. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just getting complacent but then I remember that I’ve found that laughter in no one before nor after him. Not in the way we crack each other up. I love that he loves his sleep and I’m of course…always awake! We are both family oriented though we always keep our families separate from each other…except his relationship with Junior. Junior, my baby brother, has always taken a liking to the Ex Factor in a way he has never looked out for any of the guys I’ve dated. He and the Ex Factor had a secret face to face talk behind my back. Not sure when. I only learned about it later on when my brother worried I would hate him for meddling. The fact that the two of them spoke on a positive level about me didn’t bother me one bit. My brother was looking out for my best interest and the Ex Factor was trying to prove that he was in fact my best interest. Overall, my brother says he didn’t believe the Ex Factor was out to hurt me…he just has a lot of growing up to do. And my brother warned that it may be a long time before the Ex Factor matures. He would still support us but it was totally up to me if I wanted to wait however many years on the Ex Factor. According to the Ex Factor, as long as he had his family and friends…he would be fine! This was in response to my brother warning him that he could lose me. Now I wasn’t there so I can’t be sure of his tone/delivery but these words have haunted me for the last couple of months. In essence, my family and true friends mean everything to me. They have held me down through it all! But I took the Ex Factor’s words to mean that I did not matter. And when we hit our bumps in the road, I’ve silently held these words against him. I know this isn’t right. One of us has to be transparent! One of us has to be vulnerable! But why does it have to be me? Last night…after all the festivities…and still no word from the Ex Factor…it dawned on me that we were no different than my parents! Pride was leading every move we made…not love! And look where that’s gotten my parents! So after midnight…I text “Happy Thanksgiving Ex Factor! Hope you and your family had a good one!” You would think this was a sign of progress…a sign of me being vulnerable and letting down my walls BUT NO! ?Perhaps only he would notice this but I never call him by his name. It’s always babe or boo. He calls me babe or hun (which I loathe). It was like I was saying “Happy Thanksgiving!” but my pride is signaling that you are no longer my love…you are just my friend. I wanted to make him feel the way I’ve been feeling for the last couple of years! Of course, at the time I sent the text, I didn’t see it that way but by the time I woke up and didn’t see a text back from him…I knew the type of message I sent wasn’t really filled with thankfulness and love. Pride is still in control. ?Maybe one day we will both meet the right person who makes us want to abandon our pride. Maybe…one…day. I just don’t know. Yet I’m left with this unsettling feeling and still two more major holidays left in this season! I would love to hear from my readers. I could use some words of encouragement. It’s like I want to be loved…flaws and all….wholeheartedly…but I want to be able to hide my true feelings every step of the way….I’m afraid of getting hurt again. ~KJM on Flashback Friday. FYI by the time I finished writing this post…the Ex Factor did respond to my text. He sent back pretty much the same message I gave him…no nickname of endearment…?
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