It’s time to go…I heard a voice say. I stood there…frozen in time…but I was not numb. There were tears rolling down my cheeks. I…was feeling…this moment. Could not escape it by heading to the land of numbness. I had to be aware of it so that I fully understood where and why I was leaving. Time to go…I heard the voice say once again. And so I began to cry. Why now…I wondered. There were so many other times I had prepared myself for it. Now this moment was swallowing me up…silently. My tears flew freely but no sound could found from my voice. I stood there…still frozen in time. Asking God why me and why now? Then the voice spoke again…‘No happiness can be found here. He will never understand nor appreciate how special you are!’ I cried and cried…not because I had to leave the place I had fought so hard for in the last six and half years…but because I knew deep down inside that it was true. Around October 2012, the Ex Factor lost his ability to make me happy. Sure there would be temporary glimpses of happiness over the next few years but nothing to sustain my heart. I would briefly smile and then find myself running off to cry. He…would essentially…be the memory of sorrow for me. I…would remember…and cry. Mourn how hard I tried and he always left me feeling less than. Deep down inside, I know that how people treat other people is more of a reflection of how they feel about themselves…and less about the person they are trying to break into two. But my heart could not help but feel abandoned. I had walked away so many times…only to end up right back where I left off. And to add insult to injury…I have been lonely. The only loneliness I have ever known…is not when I am truly alone (that’s my comfort zone)…it’s when I love a man who does not treat me with the utmost respect and care that I deserve. Julio and the Ex Factor were by far the worst for my self esteem. My other men may have not been right for me but I was always treated like a queen by them…all except for the two I actually loved. So here I am…still frozen in time…only now I feel like the air is thin and I cannot breathe. I feel stuck…trapped and so unhappy. Truth be told, these last two months that I have not seen the Ex Factor in person has been the happiest I have been in the last two years. We speak almost daily but I do not have to fear him breaking my heart again for I have kept him at a distance…where I can truly see him as he is. I fell in love with the man he never was. The uniqueness I had once seen in his eyes…has become quite common. In his mind, he was happiness but my mind, body, and spirit knew different…he can never be anything but misery. ‘Time to go,’ the voice said again. I slowly gathered my things and stopped crying. No idea where I am headed next but had finally accepted that…the Ex Factor will never be able to prove to me…that he is happiness. And so I start my journey…a little bruised and a little broken…but with hope in my heart. You see…I believe GOD IS ABLE and HE and ONLY HE can turn any situation around. The thing is…I don’t believe HE wants to. Perhaps I was suppose to take the hard road to true love so that I will never look back at what could have been. I know what was. It was filled with tears and misery and that’s how I would remember it. And so now more than ever…I await BOAZ… As my soulmate, I will never have to ask BOAZ to prove to me that he is happiness…because it will be felt in just the way he looks at me…the way he holds me. BOAZ won’t be buying time with me until he gets to where he is going. I will be everything to BOAZ and he will be everything to me. And if you are wondering what I have held on to that I have given no other man…that will be just for BOAZ…it’s an everlasting love and trust that I have never known any other man to deserve. He will be MY FIRST and MY ONLY for so many things. BOAZ will be all that and more….because that’s GOD’s promise to me. And HE IS AN ON TIME GOD! ?? So I start my journey…hoping to never look back. And I faithfully await BOAZ…hoping he is preparing for me as I am preparing for him… ~KJM is keeping the FAITH on Charm School Monday❤ With the Ex Factor and I…you never really know when the real end will come. However, there is something so profound about where we are right now….that my happiness is at its highest when he is not around…and I want to stay happy! ?? 

This morning I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed! My day job is going to be very demanding for the next two months….that means I start my day at 4:15am and end it anywhere from 8:30pm to 10pm! ?I AM A WOMAN ON THE EDGE! ?So since I’m running late and already had to cuss someone out on the bus…I figured I would bless y’all with my sunshiny personality! ? As a single woman, I count down the days between the holidays and February 15! After February 14, single folks can spend the rest of the year celebrating their singleness! No Hallmark holiday to shame me for not having a man! I can just BREATHE! ?? As I count down to my emancipation day…I cannot help but think about some of the best and worst Valentine’s Days I have ever had! ? My best was with MR. TOSS SALAD…he spent 4 days whining and dining me in Atlanta. You know the ugly ones got to do that! ? Everything was about me and the best part of it was….I wasn’t expecting it. He even got some of our family and friends together to celebrate the weekend. No man had ever done that for me…I can give him that. I woke up every day with a gift at my feet! ? MR TOSS SALAD and I were not even dating! He had been trying to get at me since freshman year of college and now that I was broken-hearted from the Ex Factor…he saw his chance. From the Alvin Ailey Dance Company to the spa to the strip club…Valentine’s Day 2013 was everything! ?? Typically, all I want to do for that day is be with the man I love. I don’t need much but a true, everlasting, and securing love. The Ex Factor and I spent a portion of Valentines Day 2011 together and then I had dinner with my dad. We also spent a full Valentine’s Day weekend together in 2015. That was my most loved filled Valentine’s Day…because I was with the man I truly loved! ??? It had its beautiful moments but he also made me cry. He did all that I requested that weekend but complained about some things and introduced me to one of his associates as a “friend.” Granted we had not seriously dated since 2012 and he had not seen me since December 2013 but that shit still hurt. ? I cried in the bathroom of the movie theater, cussed his ass out a few times, and then got over it. ?That brings me to why I’m writing today. The Ex Factor does not have a romantic bone in his body. Not a one! ? In the beginning, the small sweet things he use to do for me and his need to make me happy every day…equaled romance but as the years went on…those things stopped. ? I grew up seeing my dad plan everything for my mom…even if he was upset with her. So I know romantic macho men do exist! For the most part, only my ugly rebound men with money were romantic….and that’s probably because their ugly asses knew they needed to kick mad game to get me AND keep me! ?My other men are pretty emotionless and believe romance is corny. Elijah, the oldest of the bunch, was emotionless and cheap so when Vday rolled around (February 2016), I bar/lounge hopped with my sister and my cousin. Had a great time and definitely recommend that for all my singles! Shit…I think I’ve gotten a little off track. ?People are who they are. The Ex Factor isn’t romantic so if we ever got serious or even got married…I should expect the same inconsiderate and emotionless man I dated! Lol. This does not mean that I can’t set standards for my needs to be tended to but it does mean…loving someone unconditionally means you cannot force what is not in them. Forcing a man to be romantic who knows nothing about romance is setting everyone up for failure! Got to be real with yourselves. People only change because they want to. So my suggestion for those who have an unromantic man…by Hallmark’s terms ???, is to find little ways that he can make you happy…that he’s capable of accomplishing. Perhaps he can watch the kids for an entire weekend so you can have a girl’s weekend or he can do more chores than he normally does to give you a break! Romance is what you both make it. I don’t need flowers or candy…I just want to feel LOVED! And if your man is from the “Netflix and Chill” generation, like the Ex Factor, you will have even more work than usual trying to explain to him why you want to feel loved year round! ? Everything in this current generation needs to be quick and easy…including sex…so romance is not dead for them…it never existed. ??? Good luck to all the couples who celebrate Valentine’s Day! And to my Singles…let’s synchronize our watches to 12:01am on February 15, 2017! Emancipation day is on its way! Let the countdown begin! ?? ~KJM blogging on the subway…on this very crazy Hump Day! Lord, please let me make it to work on time! ?????? 

I rarely get political on this page but since I VOTED and I MARCHED in the Women’s March in NYC…I had to respond to Azealia Banks…please check out the picture in this blog that will show you her post and MY response. ~KJM is a Black Feminist on Charm School Monday! 

SCENE 1: It was in this rare moment that I began to find myself. My very last day in San Francisco, my friend, Alexandria, and I sat down for what would be an unexpectedly life changing moment for me. It was pouring down rain in San Fran and with her baby bump in tow, Alexandria suggested we find shelter in a local mall. I have mall anxiety and hate shopping, so I was hesitant at first. But not wanting Alex to be stuck on a wet trolley all day, I agreed to go to the mall. We sat down for hours…just talking as children played around us. ‘No anxiety here,’ I thought. Just children playing on a small replica of the Golden Gate Bridge and on a life size chess board. Strange place to begin this journey. Strange place indeed. Out of nowhere, I opened up to Alex in a way I rarely open up to others. She is 4 months pregnant and is so excited about her little girl’s arrival. ? Also, happily married, Alex seemed to have it all easily… That’s when she told me a little bit about her life story (which I shall keep private because this is really my journey and I’m okay with exposing my steps in it). Bottom line is…nothing came easily to Alex. I had had other friends with similar stories but something about the way Alex spoke gave me hope. It’s like she understood something about me that everyone else, including myself, had missed. Her advice to me was that if I was avoiding being married with children because I honestly do not want those things…then that’s my right to live my truth. BUT if I was avoiding these things because of fear of being the selfish narcissistic wife and mother that I found my mother AND every other woman in my family to be….I am now using the negative (what I like to call a generational curse) to block every blessing in store for me! ?? Whoa! ?According to Alex, if a woman notices a negative pattern in her family, acknowledges it, and actively lays the bricks to be a better person…there should be no fear in her heart of being a bad wife and mother! Eureka! ?? Alex wasn’t selling me the VERY TIRED motto that marriage and family are the keys to happiness, like some of my other friends were! Instead, she was saying that whatever my truth is…it should be MY truth! If I honestly do not want a family or a lifelong partner then I must live in my truth. But if I am dodging true commitment and love for fear of being like most women in my family…that is not living my truth. Even more amazingly, Alex pointed out that from the jump I’ve already set out to be different from my mother and I AM DIFFERENT! I have had many people tell me this, including Papa Michaels and my siblings, but something about Alex holding her baby bump with a fearless strength and pride…that made me feel like I could do it! ?? My sister, Brenda, always says that she has no fear of going down the same path as other women in our family. I, unbeknownst to me, have been terrified for the last 30 years! Terrified and emotionally frozen! What Alex unlocked for me that no one else could is she didn’t sell me her current truth…she encouraged me to find my own! There was no “I cannot wait until you get pregnant or I cannot wait for you to get married!” These phrases hurt me more than others will know when family and friends say it! ? We all deal with our family pathologies (as Iyanla Vanzant would call it) in different ways. For those of us with a rough family upbringing, the answer to our happiness is different. Selling me on marriage and children wasn’t the way to do it (though I know some people meant well) but encouraging me to find my own truth was a better way! And so I left a powerfully strong Alexandria and the city of San Francisco a little wiser. ? SCENE2: On my flight home, I took a good nap. When I awoke, I found out that I could watch the movie “Finding Dory” for free! This movie has a huge significance for me. The very first date the Ex Factor and I had was the animated movie “Shrek Forever After” in summer 2010. Going to the movies has always been his thing but because he loved it so much…he got me to love it. Generally, he chooses 98% of what we watch but there are a few times I make a request to see something. The Ex Factor definitely chooses better movies than me! Lol. However, we have both grown to love animated movies. ? Not to mention I loved “Finding Nemo!” ?The week before “Finding Dory” came out, I asked the Ex Factor if we could go see it and he said yes. He never took me to see it and that hurt me. I know he’s been to the movies a million times in 2016 and he never invited me once. It’s like he forgot how important the little things are to me or even worse, no longer has the desire to make me happy. So finally seeing “Finding Dory” was an emotional journey for me. Even though I only got to see 90% of the movie (shout out to United Airlines for allowing me to be the very last passenger on my plane as I watched as much of “Finding Dory” as I could), this experience was also life changing. Through Dory, I was seeing the goodness that life has to offer even when we have flaws. Dory was so loving and forgiving that she changed so many around her! And the love her parents had for her…was overwhelmingly good…so much so I started to tear up. Dory’s parents set out to find her when they had been separated from her…and when they couldn’t…they waited in the same place they had faith Dory would remember to come back to…for years! So beautiful. I could feel their love. It may not make sense to you but all these things are connected. With my mother, the small things my dad did never counted for shit. Yet I love the small things in life. To the Ex Factor, I don’t need you to fly me across the country…I just needed you to hold my hands through the movie. As I told you back in June when we decided we wanted to work things out…the mistake you always make is thinking I don’t need you. Yes I’m independent and financially doing okay (by the grace of God) but what made me fall for you was your original need to be there for me in anyway you could. Please do not abandon that. I look and yearn for the small intimate things in life that only you would notice. That’s where my heart lies. ? To Alexandria, I thank you for showing me your strength and support. I learned so much from my visit with you. I am now on my journey of figuring out if wife and mother are something that I’ve secretly wanted but have been too fearful to embrace. To the movie “Finding Dory,” the type of love and support Dory’s parents showed her is what I aim to show my children…if ever I have or adopt children. Dory was an amazing daughter and friend. And as she ventured across country, the courage she displayed despite her disability is the kind of courage we should all face in life when lost! ~KJM on Flashback Friday. Won’t you continue on this journey with me as I aim to find Kingston? ??? 

You will find me in pieces…broken pieces. So much has happened on the road to BOAZ. There were times I doubted your existence and started to doubt true love. In my wait for you, I made so many mistakes. It all began to take a toll on me. My heart felt like you had abandoned me even though I had never met you. What is keeping you? Is there something I said or did that made me deserve such a long wait? 20 years of dating! 20 years of heartbreak and disappointments! I almost gave up on you…then Ruth spoke to me! Everyday for a couple of weeks…I read the Book Of Ruth! I believe in some ways…her story began my preparation for you! How can I be more loyal? How can I be more faithful? How can I put my trust in God every step of the way? Ruth spoke to me again and that’s when I realized that you are closer than I think. Before bumping into Ruth, I carried this huge weight on my shoulders…believing I had forsakened God and that’s why He made me wait so long. There were times I felt unworthy…not loved…and not wanted. The days were filled with sadness while the nights were filled with loneliness. What had I done to deserve this? To be treated so harshly by so many? The tears would not stop flowing. As each tear fell, I began to lose my way. 20 years and you had not found me? No one warned me that it could be such a long wait, BOAZ! But the Book Of Ruth taught me how to yearn for you during my wait. I wonder what you look like? Are you kind? Are you patient? I’m so impatient that I’m praying you will forgive me right off the bat for being upset at your delayed arrival! I long to touch your face! I long to put my head on your shoulder and finally feel like I am at home. I long for you to vow to protect me and honor me for the rest of our lives! I long for it all. And on the eve of the beginning of a new year (2017), I want you to know that even with all the heartbreaks…I still believe in love… I still believe in you! And so I learn to patiently wait and to be loyal like Ruth…never taking for granted each day that God has given me to prepare for you. My prayer is that you are also preparing for me too! ?????? I await you and only you BOAZ! May our love be something worth waiting for! ~KJM on the very last Serenity Saturday of the year aka New Year’s Eve! Wishing all my readers and listeners a blessed, happy, successful, and loved filled 2017! ❤❤❤