This week has been filled with a world wind of emotions for America and our international communities! As we went from bittersweet memories of OUR beloved President (Obama #forever44) to anger about our current state of the union…we were on a grieving and fearful emotional roller coaster. Some where in the midst of this chaos, I found another aspect of my truth. I have been happier in these first 21 days in 2017 than I was in all of 2016. The Ex Factor and I speak…almost every day…but I haven’t seen him since November 30. While I know he misses me (and I miss him too)…I am not ready to see him nor spend time with him. My main focus is myself right now and if he’s bringing something to the table…it has to come in the form of ACTIONS and NOT WORDS! Since our beginning (well 3 months in is when he told me he wasn’t ready for a serious commitment and to be honest I wasn’t sure what I was ready for as I had never been serious about anyone) we agreed that if we weren’t happy and wanted to see other people we would let the other person know. I think all relationships should be this way. To me…we weren’t in an open relationship…we were just being honest about his age and my lack of knowledge of what I could give since I was always moving to other states for my own professional and personal development. No one wanted to be boxed in…but I did know I loved him so I asked for what I thought I could handle at that time…monogamy and honesty. Monogamy wasn’t ever an issue. We both needed that. When I first fell for the Ex Factor, I put him on the highest pedestal. ?Never had I done that for any other guy (and haven’t since). In my mind, he was as honest as they came and so open…heart was so open…ready for the taking. I remember waking up for the first two years (even in difficult times) feeling so in love and so blessed to have him in my life. I had never had a honeymoon period with a guy before…he was my first…and it lasted for two beautiful years! But I guess all good things do come to an end. ? Now to the thing I haven’t let go of…in October 2012, the Ex Factor’s behavior got so strange. He started canceling dates or just not having time to take me out. I immediately knew what was up…another woman. I was raised by a P.I.M.P. who taught me not only how to be one but that game must recognize game. The Ex Factor claims to this day that he never slept with her but my issue is deeper than sex. I believe he never slept with her…don’t think I ever doubted that. But as he was pulling away and they were becoming more emotionally connected…I felt so betrayed. Where a man’s heart goes is the ultimate betrayal because where the heart goes…everything else will follow. Sex I could fight but if he was falling in love with her or was in love with her…there wasn’t much I could do. I asked him for two months if he was seeing someone else and he said no. He did in fact lie to me. I can be shady as fuck but I’m pretty honest with it. During this time, Phoenix was there for me but I didn’t want to lean on him. He had spent years cleaning up my messes. I needed to stand on my own two feet. She was pulling him…taking him away…and I felt it. The day after Christmas (2012), I decided to cut the Ex Factor off with no explanation. From there my personal life spiraled out of control and that’s how I ended up in Atlanta in 2013…almost losing my life. It was the most broken I had been!!! If it weren’t for God and good friends…plus me moving to Richmond, VA for two years…I don’t think I would have ever gotten it together. I cried from the streets of NYC to Atlanta to Vegas and then in Richmond. The thing about it all is I’ve dated shady guys before and when they started creeping I wasn’t ever surprised nor upset. I either played the same game or cut them loose. Now it’s 2017 and the Ex Factor and I are still hanging on BUT to be honest, I never forgave him for lying to me. He fell from the highest pedestal to just one of those sneaky dudes who can never be trusted. This incident lets me know that I’m not the type of woman who can forgive infidelity. I sleep with it and it stays in the back of my mind. ? I grew up around so much cheating that you would think I would be use to it. What hit me hard with the Ex Factor wasn’t even the other woman…it was the fact that I held him to such a high esteem and never thought he was one of those dudes. When a person is capable of something you never thought…that’s a deep awakening of betrayal that does not easily go away. The Ex Factor wasn’t who I thought he was and I have taken that with me since October 2012. I don’t trust him…I don’t think I ever will. That’s how I know he is not BOAZ. I won’t have a reason to doubt BOAZ…. In the Ex Factor’s mind, he did nothing wrong so as we would continuously reunite over the years and talk about this incident…he would do nothing to secure me and to earn back my trust. He thinks he’s honest and if I don’t take him at his word that’s my problem. ? I never doubt my intuition. While he was saying he was happy with me…he was hitting her in the DM! After that, I always assumed someone replaced her. So I did me. Phoenix has been with us this whole time. And no matter how broken I felt…when I showed up at his door…he always made me feel wanted. Sex with Phoenix and I (mostly happening on the breaks the Ex Factor and I took) suffered because emotionally I wasn’t there. But you see…Phoenix is only one of two men I’ve been sexually, physically, and mentally attracted to! Just his mind alone…is reason enough to be around him. But that dude is a Scorpio and sneaky as fuck. That’s why I could never fall for him…I KNOW PHOENIX and he knows me. We do our dirt together…baby mama or no baby mama…Phoenix will be there when I need him. But I’m trying to be a different woman. Trying not to rely on him opening my mind and then my legs. Phoenix is that good fuck…every woman needs in her back pocket before she settles down. Even though I haven’t seen him since September 2014, he stands by me like a really good friend. He expects nothing from me and he listens to my needs…well a jump off has to or how else can he guarantee I will be back? Shout out to him! ?? And if you are wondering…Phoenix has always been with us. Once the Ex Factor wouldn’t commit…I was smart enough to not let my best recruit go! ? What’s the difference between what the Ex Factor did and what I did? (1) I told him from the jump about Phoenix…whether he was listening or not was on him and (2) Phoenix is no one I could ever fall in love with. He could never steal me away from the Ex Factor. Any time I was at Phoenix’s door was because the Ex Factor sent me there…emotionally of course! ?? For anyone wondering, “getting even” with the Ex Factor over the years didn’t make things better but it left me feeling empowered. I’m not some weak woman crying and waiting on my man to love me and recognize my worth…NO NOT ME! At the end of the day though…when you truly love someone…every spiteful thing you have ever done to them comes back to haunt you. I’m paying for my sins now with the Ex Factor. 2016 was our worst year…made 2012 seem like a cake walk! ? And there’s still no trust between the both of us. So I’m waiting for BOAZ while actively working on myself. I want to be a better woman by the time he arrives. ? So I keep the Ex Factor at bay…he can’t warm my bed again unless he has a solid plan but…that leaves me to wonder if that will even fix anything. Trust is gone…These are my confessions. Sick as fuck…yes this I know! ? However, Serenity is being honest about your emotions and setting your boundaries accordingly. ~KJM saying I am a work in progress on Serenity Saturday. ?