Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

The Most Beautiful And Overlooked View Of Hope For Love (The Good Doctor Edition)

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Happy Hump Day! Today I’m going to switch things up and not do a sex blog. Recently, I binged watched “The Good Doctor” on ABC. Amazing show! I highly recommend it. The show is about the life of an autistic resident surgeon, Dr. Shaun Murphy. It is heartbreakingly beautiful. So many lessons one can take away from it. While the show’s focus is not on romantic relationships…though love and life are at the heart of every relationship of the characters…I found myself rooting for romantic love! ? At one point (spoiler alert), Shaun starts to develop feelings for his neighbor, Leah. Something about their interactions reminded me that the future is still bright. Love is still on the way! ?? Shaun’s heart is so open and pure. The way he looks at Leah…gave me hope. In my entire dating life, I have heard the words “I love you” from many guys but I never felt truly loved from not one of them. For most of them…love was really lust and for a small amount of them (especially the Ex Factor), love is simply not possible yet. They have no clue how to openly and unconditionally love a woman. Love, in a romantic sense, has just been a word with no real meaning for me. Wasted words during wasted times. As I watch Shaun’s heart beat for Leah…it occurred to me that some man out there is praying to meet me. Not some man focused on my physical attractiveness nor how much of a challenge I am…but some man having brunch with his mother while describing the type of daughter in law he wants to bring her. A man with a plan. A man who can openly and honestly have a relationship. A man strong enough to support me (especially emotionally) on my life’s journey. A man that is READY! Not one I had to make ready. Not one I had to convince to love me. Not one scared of every fucking emotion. ? A man that knows I am his one and only. A man that enjoys and respects my independence! A man that brings out the best in me. A man that makes me feel emotionally and physically safe. This man is out there. God knows our timing so I need not bother looking. As I watched “The Good Doctor,” I could feel my hopes and dreams beating in my heart again! ? Not since summer 2010 (the summer I met the Ex Factor) have I felt this way. And I am excited about it yet in no rush. I feel free. I no longer feel like I am drowning in a love that can no longer satisfy my needs. There is hope. Please remember that in the midst of your romantic storms or any storms for that matter…the future is still so bright. Let go of anything that no longer serves your soul. Free yourself up for that love that is ready! And…never settle! ?? ~KJM on HumpDay!

Love Cannot Exist Without Respect

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Happy Temptation Tuesday! When I was a child, I was once asked if I would rather be loved or respected. I said respected because respect can live without love but love cannot live without respect. ?? I don’t think at that moment it really sunk in what I was saying. Essentially, I was just repeating what Papa Michael’s had taught me. At 36 years old…I now get it. Often times we are so focused on the love that we are giving that we are completely forgetting about the love we are receiving…or not receiving. I use to think my love could heal anyone. My love could fix any problem if I tried hard enough but that is simply not true. I was putting myself in front of the firing squad for the Ex Factor while he could not be bothered to love me the way I needed to be loved. Ouch. ??‍♀️ I know I’m not the only one though. Some of y’all are out there running in circles over the same kryptonite that cannot be faithful for even a night. ?? Running yourselves into the ground…and even an early grave for a love that had long forsaken you. No judgement here. I get it…sadly I now get it. The thing is…respect is such an essential part of love. If there is no respect and trust…you have nothing with your partner. You are in fact a living breathing doormat. ??‍♀️ To love and not care whether you are being loved back in a healthy manner is suicidal. We are killing ourselves for people who never deserved us and why? To say we are ride or die?! I only want to be ride or die for myself!!! ?? That was always my intention yet I made some wrong turns. We all do in life. Some of you may be stuck in marriages where you don’t feel loved and respected. It may seem hopeless now but things will get better…if you focus on getting back the respect or finding someone who loves you enough to respect you. Are you taking a deep breath and taking this all in? I am…as I am writing this. It’s like I’m waiting to exhale from under a fog of self sabotage. I was so focused on what my love can do…for I had never really loved before…that I missed how badly I was being disrespected. There is a huge part of me that thinks that no woman who loves a man is truly happy…men seem so toxic…but I have to back away from that kind of thinking to find peace. There will be ups and downs in every relationship. There will be good and bad times. As long as love, respect, loyalty, and trust are at the heart of that relationship along with getting your needs met…there is hope. However, if respect is not part of your relationship…do not kid yourself into thinking it will get better. Get out. Exhale. And then breathe fresh air again! ?? Toxic people often make themselves more important than they really are. We may not even love them as deeply as we think. They are just a symptom of a bigger problem or a familiar drug we can’t get off of. REHAB TIME! No matter what it is…there is a beautiful life awaiting all of us after breakups and heartbreaks. Never think that only one person can love you. A better one is most likely out there praying for you. Stay open. Stay focused on loving yourselves. And never forget that if you don’t have yourself…if you can’t count on yourself…then you have nothing. You are someone beautiful. You deserve a love that respects you. There is life after relationship deaths. A season of rebirth is upon us. Embrace it. ? ~KJM onTemptation Tuesday.

Hello Mister Big Belly (The Sexual Seduction Women Are Missing Out On Edition)

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Happy Hump Day! Yesterday I happened to come across an article that claimed that big belly men make better lovers! ? Apparently, they even last longer in bed. ??? This is a topic I have very little experience in because all of my lovers except Mister Toss Salad were skinny or of athletic build with washboard stomachs. Thus, I had to ask around. Wait…let’s swing back for a second. To this day, I don’t remember Mister Toss Salad’s body and never ever saw his penis! He was a fucking rebound guy and I did not like the feel of his penis (half circumcised…half not?!). Thus, I promised myself that I would never look his penis in the eye. lol. ??‍♀️ And I kept that promise to myself for the few months we dated. One thing I do know is he is naturally a big guy. When we dated he was on a strict diet and working out so he was smaller than he had been in the years I had known him prior to us briefly dating. I say all of this to say that I don’t remember his body. I straight up did not look at him. ??‍♀️ But he did wine and dine me and could eat pussy and toss a good salad like no one’s business! ?? Gots to give him that. Since my sexual rolodex is useless on this topic, I turned to some of my girlfriends for input. Here are the top 5 things my friends taught me about big belly men: 5. WILLOW: Not all big belly men are overweight. Some of them are skinny guys who have guts from drinking and drugs. 4. NICOLE: She has never ever been with a big belly man and never plans to. Nicole said she cannot handle a big belly touching her. Luckily she’s happily married to a non big belly man. 3. INGRID: She prefers bigger men but not obese men. Some how cuddling up with a skinny guy does not sit right with her. She likes her men to have some manly meat for her to hang on to. 2. JASMINE: Two out of four of her big belly lovers were great to her. She had amazing sex with them as well. Jasmine did point out that she never slept with a guy with washboard abs. She also pointed out that because I date younger, I get the pleasure of sleeping with men who seriously take care of their bodies. ?? Jasmine says men get lazier with their fitness as they get older. ? So does this mean I am an ageist? ??‍♀️ ??‍♀️ 1. HARMONY: big belly men last longer than the seven minutes in bed some skinny men put in! ??? Thank you ladies for getting back to me on this topic! My thoughts…I love a fit man even though I am not fit myself. The Ex Factor is my most fit guy I have ever dated. Not an inch of fat on his body and abs I can make breakfast on! ? By far, I am the most attracted to him. I prefer my men fit so that they can inspire me to get fit. The Ex Factor has loved my body (for the last 8 years) unconditionally. Through those 8 years, I have gained around 40lbs. He was with me when I was skinny and broke…and he has been down with me as my womanly curves grow along with my bank account. The Ex Factor has never made me feel bad about my body. I think he is more obsessed with my body than I am. And I love him for that. ? The great thing about the Ex Factor is he is not some crazy gym fanatic that talks about the gym all the time. He just loves being fit. It is who he naturally is. Putting that all aside, we usually end up dating who we attract. Right now I do not look my age. My 34DDs plump up without a bra like the Ex Factor just cooked them.? So my man market right now are washboard abs guys. ?? When my breasts start drooping (for gravity is certain to come get them whether I have children or not), my men market may change. I may secretly be an ageist but I do not think I discriminate against big belly men. Well…not intentionally. You see my skinny with a muscular build guys (not the steroids looking ones) have huge penises around 90% of the time. ?? It is the extra large penis I prefer…til the day I die! ??? ~KJM on Hump Day! Ladies if the athletic build ain’t working, try you an overweight lover. One thing most of us agreed on is men with bellies try harder in bed. While I can’t testify to how long they last in bed (as my big dick roster has proven to be able to go on and off for about 16 hours in one day when they are at their best), I do know my one unfit guy could eat pussy and toss my salad like no one else! ??? Big Guys remember to sing in the bedroom “Back then they didn’t want me, now I’m hot…they all on me…Mike Jones” when the pussy factory reads this article ( http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/men-with-big-bellies-make-better-lovers-science-finds/ ) and comes knocking! ?? As for me, shout out to my extra large penises (Phoenix, the Ex Factor, and Crazy). ???? I have a feeling that even in my next life, I would sleep with you guys (athletic build or not). ?? EDITOR’S NOTE: results of similar studies for women better say that us big belly women are great in bed too! If we have to stay open to big belly men…they should have to stay open to us! Of course, I am like most men. I aim high and no man is out of my league…no matter what my body looks like. I am as faithful and as consistent as my options. ????‍♀️? May I be a billionaire one day…getting all the washboard abs and big dick lovers I want until the day I die! ??

Never Let Them See You Sweat

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Yesterday, I shared a recent picture (on my private page) of Mama Michael’s. She does not age! ?? Someone asked me what was her secret? Two things that always stand out to me are: (1) never let them see you sweat (especially when your man is stressing you) and (2) never stop pampering yourself. My mother has not had an easy life yet you could never tell by her appearance. Hair and nails are always done. Clothes on point. Body fit. She is a mother of five: three biologically and two adopted. She has never owned “mom clothes” nor did she spend much time worrying about doing what others expected her to do as a mom. She taught me how to make a five dollar shirt look like it was worth five hundred! ?? By far she is not perfect but this is one of the areas that I admire her for. Let’s tackle each motto. (1) NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU SWEAT! I know so many women who let themselves go when their man problems settle in. Too many women are out there chasing a man’s love while the grays are settling in, their waistline is stretching, and they haven’t gotten their hair and nails done in a long while. Walking around like the air has been let out of your tires is not only embarrassing but it also shows that that man or that stress has extreme power over you. In this instance, a woman has forgotten all about herself. Even if you were never the get your hair and nails done type of woman…I’m sure there were things you were doing out of self love for yourself before you met up on that man or that stressful situation. Why have you stopped? What is your mental state like? Do you feel cared for and loved in your current situation? Well no matter the answers to these questions….Mama Michael’s would say that you should still be your number one priority. Once again, if you have depleted all of your resources for others…what is left for you? Are you not better than considering yourself as leftovers? What ever the situation…you need to always make sure you are okay. Put yourself first! Take care of your physical and mental needs without feeling guilty. ?? This will help you to stay forever young. (2) NEVER STOP PAMPERING YOURSELF! We women often complain about men no longer doing things for us that they first did when we first met them. Truth be told, sometimes in the midst of life…we, women, stop dating ourselves too! We stop meeting up with our girlfriends for dinner and trips. We tell ourselves we no longer need that manicure or that hairstyle. We even stop granting ourselves the solo time we need to regroup and refuel. Women are just out there nurturing everyone but themselves! ? No matter what happens in life…keep dating yourselves! Never stop pampering yourselves. Never stop telling yourself that you are worth it! Never stop! ?? ~KJM on Charm School Monday. ? Shout out to the baddest chick in the game from Kingston, JA to NYC,my mama! ??

The Betrayal

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Recently, I have been dealing with being betrayed by people I deeply love. This is occurring on all levels of life…family…friends…etc. I think the hardest part of it is trying to figure out if or when to walk away from it. With family, this is particularly hard. You share blood. What do you even say to someone who has disappointed you so badly that no words can ever describe the pain they have directly or indirectly inflicted upon you? The time is coming soon. I will have to find those words. Exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. There are times I am too tired to cry. Never did I think in a million years that I would be in this position. It is like someone has stole all of my joy. And I am frozen in a very painful moment. Frozen. That is something the Gemini resents. I am the master of my own destiny. I should be able to free myself of such hurts. Yet not even the thought of traveling in the future can bring me joy. It is like someone burned down my house. And I am standing there…dazed and confused with the ashes. I am left with the awful task of picking up the pieces. And I just do not know how to. Not this time. Not this time. It is a personal hell many of us live in…the hell of putting the ashes back together. First off, you have to decide whether you cut and run or you stay and fight. On all levels, I am unsure. There is a part of me that thinks when you love someone (especially family), if their ship is sinking…you start to play the violin…as if you are both on the titanic. Then there is another part of me that thinks of self preservation. What becomes of the violinist on a sinking ship that does not even try to save herself? Is that not suicide? But a worse kind…for the violinist is dying because of someone else’s mistake. Someone who should have factored in the pain their mistake would cause their family and friends. Self preservation. I yearn for it. On a family level, I am playing the violin (so far). On friends and lover levels…I am jumping in the water…seeking the shore. It has all been too much. They clearly call it betrayal because we do not see it coming. This house was meant to stand. Had no clue the foundation was not solid. No matter what I choose, forgiveness has to be part of the process. But where to begin when I am frozen? Let peace and love move me…no matter the decisions I make. Nothing is clear except that I have, in fact, been betrayed by love. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Are any of you at a crossroads? Let me know how you are dealing with it. Be blessed in all you do. ?

Daddy’s Girls Creed

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In honor of my Daddy’s birthday! “Daddy’s Girls Creed” 1. A good Daddy’s only goal is to make sure his daughter is never on the pole. He will tell her she is beautiful even when she gets old. 2. May Daddy’s daughter be a lawyer, a doctor, or even an engineer. May she step on men’s hearts with very little care. 3. If there is any tricking and hoeing in her relationships…may she do what Daddy taught her to do and not give two shits. 4. But if she must play the game…may she be the pimp. May those who did not love her…leave with a limp. 5. Oh you would think Daddy’s girls are made of sugar and spice but if you mess with us…we are never nice. 6. You see Daddy taught us the game and encouraged us to stay away from lames. 7. He gave us his playbook and taught us his right hook. 8. Even then sometimes we still get hurt…but if you mess with a Daddy’s girl they may find you face down in the dirt. 9. Let no man come before Daddy because he is just that great. Boyfriends and husbands sometimes meet a terrible fate. ?? 10. Daddy you have known forever and have his last name. He is always there when you need him…that you can proclaim. 11. Happy Birthday to my Daddy…a man that loves me unconditionally. May he pay for half of my therapy bills…because that’s how it’s been done traditionally. ??

Spring Blues

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Ugh…just when I thought Spring was officially here (it is almost May), my area got hit with more below freezing temps! This was after two days of being in the 80s!!! ? My poor body went into complete shock. One day summer and the very next…winter. Because of the long lasting cold spell…my winter blues have turned into spring blues. The extra sunlight helps but my needing gloves in the morning sends me into a sad mood. I have started to work out a bit on the very bad days. Sunday was one of them. Woke up feeling like I had not accomplished much in life and felt this overwhelming sadness hanging over me. Winter blues are hard to explain if you have never experienced them nor some form of situational depression. It is crippling. It is frustrating! And even when I do some of the things that typically brings me pure joy…I still feel anxious. I have been this way since October! ? This is how global warming can affect our lives from many different angles. I am in a never ending (at least it feels that way) winter. Are any of you that suffer from winter blues having similar experiences? Please let me know. Besides exercising and meditation, I keep reminding myself that everything will be okay. I have some heavy family stuff going on that feels like it’s been drowning me since January. Couple that with lots of misunderstandings and unspoken words with the Ex Factor and my need to find a new career…and…well…my cup is just pouring over. I am not checking in on folks as much as I usually do. I AM CHECKING IN ON MYSELF! ?? You cannot help anyone if all of your resources are depleted. Please remember that. You must be completely whole (mind, body, and spirit) before you can put that S back on your chest and try to save the world. ?? Where is Spring? She is my favorite season. A season of rebirth. A season of hope. Her delay is my delay. And so I push on. Longing for her warmth. Longing to be whole. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.

The Trout Must Be Thrown Back Into The Sea: A Glimpse Of What Some Single Men Think About The Single Women’s Market

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Now before I get into the quality of the “trout” I want to be completely honest with you. This is one topic I am bias in (I just think most women are amazing and these men are tripping) but because I have some pretty nice male friends and associates…I am willing to explore my bias. I always think that EVERYTHING (including dating) is easier for men! I mean come on! There is always some woman ready to sacrifice her soul for a man! ??‍♀️ Men are typically the first to move on from a break up and have a new chick on arm.?? So when I hear single professional “seemingly sane” men complaining that they are having a hard time meeting great women I just roll my eyes. ? I generally think they are probably selfish narcissists who have put many women through hell in their present AND past lives! ???✌? But I digress. Because I do have many amazing male friends, like my BFF, Zack, who is happily married…I’m willing to cross over into the jungle of single men and try to see some things from their point of view. The few conversations I was able to have in detail last week were intense! Yo! I forgot men have feelings! Shout out to my numb boo! Love you Ex Factor! ?? There are some dudes who are eager to care about some woman out there! ? Here are some of complaints that I continuously heard from single men: (1) too many women live their lives like they are reality stars, (2) women do not want to work ? (3) unfaithful women (I’m well aware that more women cheat than society thinks), (4) dishonest women, (5) financially irresponsible women (no smart man wants a woman who can only blow his money and not build on it), (6) women only want men that make a certain amount of money, and (7) women really do not want what they say they want (mainly chasing the wrong kind of dudes). Okay, I am willing to admit that the men have some points here but I just don’t know…maybe because I am a woman I think that the women they are describing are rare and that these men may be only going after the same types of women. Here is my top 5 recommendations to single successful responsible men ready to commit to a good woman: 5. YOU ALWAYS FALL FOR THE SAME TYPE: my men have some similarities but in general besides their birth sign (damn Sagittarius??) they are quite different. Meaning each of the relationships failed for unique reasons. Guys, if you always seem to meet a hot gold digger….perhaps that is who you truly want? I’m not gonna lie…I love my men hot (though not prettier than me ? cause then they would be straight trouble lol), tall, athletic, black or brown, and educated! Over the years though, I have definitely dated outside of some of my preferences minus the black or brown thing. That seems to be one of my dealbreakers. LOVE MY BROTHERS! ? I have dated leprechauns, unattractive men, non Sagittarius men (which turns out to be an even bigger mistake lol), and guys without a formal education. Shout out to my good with their hands guys (pun intended)! ? But I digress. Guys, are you going after the same type? If so…switch it up. 4. THE PLACES YOU MEET WOMEN! If you are always meeting your women in a bar or club you may want to go elsewhere. ?? Nothing wrong with these places as I know many couples who got married after meeting in such a setting but if you are looking for a religious woman…and that is a dealbreaker for you…the club isn’t going to be the place to find her unless you like looking for a needle in a haystack! ?? While there is no perfect place to meet someone that will guarantee forever bliss…it’s good to keep your eyes open everywhere. Don’t overlook the sexy librarian! Lol. That brings me to… 3. PAY ATTENTION! Single men, there are probably so many women trying to get your attention but because they may not be your “type” you are missing out or you are all the way slipping by not paying attention to their cues. Now I’m a direct woman. I do not flirt…ever!!! When I want a man…I flat out say it. Eight years ago, I slide into the Ex Factor’s DM and told him…I WANT YOU! ?? No mix signals there. Some women are hunters but most aren’t! 98% of women won’t be this direct because they think it’s chasing a man! But it’s not. I give the GREEN light that I am interested and it’s up to the man to close the deal. And that’s just what the Ex Factor did! My pussy is NEVER included in the hunt. No judgement here. Just the way I roll. Fellas, most women will flirt (if interested) and the flirting may not be in a sexual manner. She may be your neighbor who is constantly asking you to fix stuff even though your Landlord is responsible for that stuff! When in doubt….just ask her! Pay attention and the universe may just bless you with a good woman! 2. SINGLE MOMS! Lately, there has been a lot of discussions on social media about how single dads feel they are entitled to swim in the young single woman with no children pool but single moms are highly discriminated against and are considered damaged! ???? A man with children is a dealbreaker for me! ✌? Everyone is entitled to their personal preferences. However, some of the good women that you guys seem to be missing may be single moms pond! If you are a good single man with a big heart that wants a family someday…please do not ignore the single moms pool! These types of women most likely know how to commit and raise a child. Single moms are typically serious about dating. They have no time for senseless and pointless bed hopping for they have children to raise! ?? I know this is not the ideal situation and that it may not be your preference but you can tell a lot about a woman by how she raises her child! I would say the same about single dads but most women ignore the fact of whether the single dad is a good dad to a child he has with another woman. For example, Ciara and Future! Everything she needed to know about Future was written in his past with his numerous baby mamas! And everything her current husband, Russell, saw in Ciara was probably written in the present of how she raised her child! They are now a happily married blended family! Of course there are exceptions to the rule but parenting can tell a lot about a person. 1. ARE YOU REALLY READY FOR A GOOD WOMAN? I am the queen of asking for stuff I am not truly ready for just because they are not currently being offered to me! ??‍♀️ So no judgement on this one. Just more of a mental exercise. Do you really want a good woman or are you still chasing the bag girls? Is physical attraction the number one trait that you look for in a woman? Does she need to be runway model size? Let’s get even deeper. Are you healed from your past hurts…childhood and romantic relationships? If not, are you working on your stuff? In counseling? Are you hell bent on making all women pay for one woman’s mistakes? I have to ask these questions because society is highly critical of women and not men! A man can walk around with a huge pot belly and five kids and still think he is entitled to every single non child having successful beautiful woman! ???‍♀️? Society does not allow women to be this delusional! Women, for the most part, are very careful and strategic about where we “shoot our shot!” ?? Men, however, are taught to aim their sperm anywhere towards any woman. They are always encouraged to “shoot their shot” even if they are not mentally, financially, physically or emotionally ready. ?????‍♀️ It is still a man’s world (don’t know why ??‍♀️) but that shit still ain’t nothing without a woman! ?? That is…if you are a straight man but I digress. Lol. BONUS: if none of these things apply to you…maybe it is just not your time yet. Society tells that to women all the time! Ugh…it’s frustrating for sure. Just keep being the great guy you are and stay open to unexpected blessings! ? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. We all need to be in fucking therapy! Lol.

Last Night I Almost Let Him Murder My Soul (The Accomplice Edition)

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THE CRIME AND THE CONVICTION (Kingston enters the room): Tear drops. A tear dropped and all of a sudden I was falling apart. My murderer had just exited the room and I was now bawling. He is possibly my one and only love and so far the greatest love I have ever known. While in the same room with him…I held my own. You see…I never let him see me cry. But once he walks out…the tears drop and my secret is now exposed. Strong independent fierce me is scared of losing a man…just this one man. A man whose feelings for me are dead upon arrival. Hardly anyone knows my secret for I could always keep a man for a very long time. I am beautiful and successful yet one of the few things society notices about me is how long I can keep a man! They piss on my degrees and shit on my career but oh that Kingston would not be that memorable if she could not keep a man! As the years go on, the whispers get louder. She can keep them but boy she can’t get them to close the deal! No one really listens to me when I say that I never wanted to be married nor have children. No one pays attention to the fact that I have had many suitors that wanted to spend their lives with me. All society cares about is the fact that I am now an unmarried woman of a certain age with no children. Barren…they call me behind my back. BARREN! As in nothing grows there! No one knows for certain if this is true…least of all me yet the whispers haunt me to the point where I start to believe their lies. A woman ain’t shit without a man who claims her…they say. I stand there frozen with my degrees in one hand and my career in the other. Puzzled. Essentially made to feel barren. I sure can keep a man but I can’t get him to worship me. I cannot get him to stop seeing my strengths as weaknesses. Make your man feel like a man…they say. If I cannot do this then I am a failure. Then the next stage of torture begins. MOVE ON…they say. Find a man who can commit and give you children…they all chant. Never asking if my womb is even open to interpretation. My interpretation. They make my love fluid as if it can transfer to any penis ready to commit. Never mind that there is something about him that made me stay. Never thinking for a second that my mind, body, and soul are not for sale. I am not livestock for men. I belong to me!!!! I am still the master of my own destiny. I am still KINGSTON JAEL FIRST OF HER NAME, QUEEN OF HERSELF FROM THE ISLAND OF JAMAICA, AND OF THE HOUSE OF MICHAELS. I am a queen. In my heart, I have always known this. Why then would I allow society to question my every move and allow him to attempt to murder my soul? Why would a fiercely independent woman do this? I went to a party once and they were serving something called Kool-Aid. Many had grown up drinking it but it was never served in my home. Instantly, I did not like the look of it but everyone else was happily drinking it. Who wants to be left out? No one. So I sip…but am careful to not gulp it like others around me. The Kool-Aid has the taste of desperation, loneliness, and complacency. Yet I continue to sip. Making a face I think…maybe it is an acquired taste? Maybe I will get use to it? Finally I start to feel sick and I stop sipping. He is standing over me now and I can feel the tears in my throat. Kingston, be strong….I think. Demand your worth! And if he walks out and never comes back…your life will be full no matter what. There will be love…maybe not romantic love…but the strongest love of them all…SELF LOVE! You can walk with your head held high and not have to worry every moment of the day that his emotionally unavailable self will abandon you! You can decide to not be part of the flock that blindly follows the shepherd. You can dare to be different. You can ask for your worth AND more…just like a man would do…while maintaining your womanly strengths. You can be unapologetically brilliant in a room filled with people. You can stand alone. It would be misleading of me to not point out how terrifying this all is. Who will stay with me as I age? Who will remind me that I am great and perfectly made on the days I doubt myself? Who will leave the singles pity parties behind and join me on my island of one? Who will bravely step forward and remind me that it was his loss…not mine….if he does not return with a brand new attitude….one of gratitude, love, and respect? Who will laugh with me? Who will cry with me? Who will help me celebrate my strengths? He exits the room and I start to cry. Not one of those begging my lover to come back to me cries….but one of those cries of exhales. I am breathing. Exhaling. Crying. I am standing up. I am throwing the fucking Kool-Aid down the sink. I am exhaling again…this time effortlessly. And now I’m dialing the number of the one person in the world that understands my struggles the most. I am calling for reinforcement. I am calling Harmony. And I am now sipping a glass of moscato wine. I was never meant to drink the Kool-Aid. I am wine…getting better with age. THE EXPUNGEMENT (Harmony enters the room): WOMEN

So there’s a saying behind every great man is a strong woman but there is no saying about who stands behind that strong woman. I think it is her girlfriends. It is the people she surrounds herself with. It is the people who tells her she can when she thinks she can’t. It is the people who tell her she’s beautiful when all she sees is ugly when she looks in the mirror. It is all the people who still believe in her when she cannot or does not believe in herself. Strong fiercely independent women have a struggle. It is a secret many do not want to talk about. In this secret dungeon…they seek love, acceptance, companionship, and sometimes maybe even something more than that (that is if she is daring enough to ask for what she is truly worth and more)…. but they’re so busy giving away all of themselves that sometimes they forget about self care. If more women took the time to love, support, hold up one another, celebrate each other’s accomplishments, and compliment a stranger (who is really her sister in this struggle)

on ANYTHING about herself…we could exhale beautifully together. In this exhale lies encouraging words that maybe no one has told her today or in her entire life…that TOGETHER WE MAKE EACH OTHER BETTER! Maybe she…we…really need to hear that. It is so hard to be a successful woman especially when you are a party of one! No partner in sight. No partner to make society feel comfortable about her “successful” existence. If a woman does not have the validation of a partner…she becomes an unwanted invisible being or comic relief for other women who sold their souls to be men’s livestock and are now secretly regretting it! I know this for I live it everyday. People look at me like I have failed in some kind of way. My education…my degrees that hang on the wall somehow make me less than…because I don’t have a husband…AND I don’t have a child. But I don’t want either one of those things. I want the man who will love me, support me, and appreciate the fact that I went to professional school and EARNED my degree. I, HARMONY FIRST OF HER NAME, QUEEN OF HER LIFE, OF THE HOUSE OF HER FAMILY, EARNED HER DEGREES AND CAREER WITHOUT HIS NAME! That is my family’s legacy…not his. This is the only man that I can love…one who loves me for who I truly am. I will accept nothing less. The lucky man who gets me needs to be 700 kinds of shades of special because I am not willing to settle. I would rather be alone. There! I said it! The thing that single women are not suppose to utter. I let my secret out. The secret that I would rather never have known the intimacies of that kind of true relationship than to give up any part of myself to have a relationship that is less than what my soul desires. Hell…my soul demands it! The thought has crossed my mind that this man may not exist…for me. And then what?! I have finally accepted that one day I may join the masses and succumb to the misconceived notion that a woman is nothing without a husband. I will drink the Kool-Aid and join lost women everywhere…drowning in the notion that I cannot be great by my fucking self! I hope that day never comes…for any of us…my fellow strong independent women. But right now my story continues. Bravely. Wrapped in self love and self care. However, this journey is not without its challenges. Currently, I am into someone. I like him a lot…more than any other person I have liked in a long time and he is scared of being hurt! I don’t know what to do about that. I have made myself vulnerable. I have put myself out there with respect to my feelings for him. And I think that scares him. I have told him I am complicated. He has told me he likes that about me. I have told him I am into him…and every time I feel like we are making progress… he pulls away. I don’t want to scare him. Hell the feelings I have for him scare the shit out of me. But I am strong enough to stay any course without sacrificing myself like a lamb. I don’t know how to reassure him that I don’t intend to hurt him. Yet I am so frustrated that I have to be held accountable for his heart and mine! While I don’t have a lot of experience in relationships, I know I am strong, fierce, and independent enough to weather any storm of love. I will not blow away at the first sign of a strong wind. Hell a tornado could come and if the love is that supportive…that honest…that raw…that true…and that passionate…I promise you I will be the last woman standing! Stand I will…without compromising the qualities I love about myself…for I do not know how to do it any other way. I am not the girl who will play dumb to make any man feel better. In fact, I am the girl who will throw my education, my vocabulary, and my degrees right in your face. If he is man enough…he will catch them and fucking celebrate my achievements for it is nothing less than what I would do for him. I will not be his cheerleader while he stands in my bleachers dismissively….weakened by my inner and outer beauty while a storm brews around us. He must be wise and caring enough to cheer me on too! Am I being unreasonable here? Society whispers YES but my gut tells me NO. My instincts tell me that I am worthy of all of these beautiful things. And what if I do not receive them? Well this may mean that I am single forever. I am OK with that but my parents are not. I’m struggling to find the balance between what I want and need. I don’t want my parents to worry about my ability to survive without them, but I need them to appreciate that I am not going to settle. I do not want the lives they created for themselves. I want to do better! And I have always fucking hated Kool-Aid that others have already drank. I would rather be a cold can of Bud Light …popped open for the first time, quenching the thirst of only one man…the only man that was deserving of me. ~KJM and Harmony on Charm School Monday. As long as I have friends like Harmony, I will be okay no matter what happens with the Ex Factor for he is not the main source of my happiness and I will no longer allow him to be the main source of my unhappiness. My love is real and it is raw. I am not one of those women who will settle just for a man that wants me. I choose who is deserving of me and I will put a foot so high up his ass if he ever starts slipping. Society takes a man’s love so seriously (for he is not suppose to fall in love all the time) yet makes a woman’s love so fluid…like that love can transfer to any man ready to commit with a good resume! This is simply not true for strong women. We love who we love and no matter what happens he cannot destroy us for our source of happiness, strength, power, and intelligence never came from him. Self love and sisterhood are what it is all about! To my sisters in the struggle, may we continue to support each other no matter the storms that come. Harmony you are beautiful and you are intelligent! No matter what happens with this new guy…I’m here for you! Together…we are unstoppable. One love ?

1979

by

There are some weeks when I feel so mentally exhausted that I have very little content to share with you guys. Then there are some weeks I am on fire and the blogs are just pouring out of me. This is one of those pouring out of me weeks and this will be one of the most important blogs you have ever read. Relationships are complicated! No one will ever have the secret to what makes one work. When it comes to relationships…it’s all trial and error. Those that live to tell the stories have serious battle wounds and are left with scars that either numb them, destroy them, or give them the survival tools that they pass on to generations to come. I cannot tell you what to do in your relationships (family, friends, romance etc) but I sure the hell can advise you of what NOT to do! In my family, we have a running joke called 1979. Whenever Papa Michaels utters this year…we children know he is about to go on a hours long rant filled with sadness, anger, frustration, and hurt. You see…1979 is the year he met Mama Michaels and inherited one of the shittiest bunch of in-laws (not all but most). To be clear, my mother also got unlucky with my father’s side of family but her side are parasites! Public parasites! At least my dad’s unsavory family members usually crawl in a hole and don’t bother us…but my mother’s side ? are educated extortionists! ???? I have seen them in action my entire life! ??‍♀️ Ugh. They are like a bout of herpes that no amount of medication can control. Reoccurring. Classless. Blood thirsty. Money hungry. And those are some of their better traits. ???‍♀️ But I digress. Back to 1979. My dad is not a drinker so when he brings up 1979 you can feel his pain and disappointment. At least if he had bumped into trash while being on a drinking binge one could understand joining such a family. But no! Daddy don’t drink so he entered the depths of hell SOBER! ? ??‍♀️??‍♀️ 1979 was the year he messed his life up. Papa Michaels always says the only good thing that resulted from what started that year…are his children. ?? Love you Daddy! ? Now why is 1979 so important for you? It was the start of a mindset of not letting go of a painful past. When Daddy says 1979…there’s no challenging him because he is about to list every grievance my mother and her family has ever committed against him and his children. Papa Michaels is essentially trapped in 1979. It’s like he wants to go back and grab his dignity and run. My Daddy’s memory is sharp as hell and his stories are bold, honest, and reckless at times. While not together, this year my parents have been married for 35 years and known each other for almost 40 years! ? That is a long time to hold onto 1979. A long time to be stuck! A long time to not let go of crimes against his humanity. A long time to continue on a marriage while forgetting no indiscretion. ? My mother does not let go of anything either but she’s not the most truthful person so her “truths” do not haunt her the way they haunt my father. Papa Michaels made a million wrong turns in his marriage but he was in it for the long eternal forever that couples promise to when they marry. ? I believe it or else he wouldn’t keep soberly mentioning 1979 like he’s in some drunken stupor. ??‍♀️ My father is enslaved by the pain of a marriage that just did not work. I feel it for him. But I also took a lot away from our 1979 conversations. First, family has no business in your relationship (unless abuse is involved). My parents did not remember to protect their marriage. Both sides knew every sin the other had committed. ??‍♀️ Most people know to protect the secrets of their marriage….meaning telling your family every single thing (even when dating) is not the way to go unless you are in trouble and are asking for help!?? When you have long forgiven your lover…your family (especially your parents) may still be holding a grudge. Sometimes for years or forever! ?? Even some friends will hold grudges which is why I only have two married friends (Grace and Nicole) and my brother (who is an exceptional peacemaker and forgiver) that know EVERYTHING about the Ex Factor and I. I don’t even blog about 70% of our issues….though it may seem I do. I only blog about things that I think can help others but I have to try to protect US just in case we make it! ?? Some days I do a better job of protecting us than others. ??‍♀️ But I try. Second, if you are going to stay with your partner…you must learn to forgive AND forget! I know easier said than done but you must try. 1979 did not just destroy my parents’ inner peace but it helped destroy their marriage! Lawd knows I have a long list of grievances against the Ex Factor but every time I hear 1979…it reminds me that I better get right and snap out of it. That brings me to… Third, love cannot survive and thrive if you are traveling with baggage and are doing nothing to unpack it! ?? I don’t care if you had the baggage before or during your current relationship…drop that shit off at the next corner! Fourth, at the heart of the 1979 speech is the argument of “my partner is wrong and I am right!” Being right all the time is a lonely road to walk down…for no one is always right. Challenge yourselves during disagreements to work on what YOU could have done better! ?? Everyday this notion is a struggle for me but I still aim to be a better version of myself. Lastly, if “1979” did not break you then why are you walking around broken? Each day we get another chance to get things right. Accept what you cannot control and work hard to get right what you can. Relationships are nothing without compromise, errors, disagreements, continuous positive and healthy communication, love, trust, and the self awareness to know that we too have to work on our stuff. You are responsible for your own happiness…not your partner. You cannot change them but you can change yourself! ?? There is so much significance in 1979 but very little of it, for me, actually has to do with the events that took place that year and the years following it. 1979 is my constant reminder to “let go and let God!” ?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Daddy, you inspire me through your words of wisdom about 1979. When I hear that year…I just know that God is still in control. I love the Ex Factor enough to look pass the hurts he has dealt and start anew everyday. I pray he does the same for me. This mind frame is a process. It is a purposeful journey where some days I shall fail and others I shall be triumphant. 2010, the year I met the Ex Factor, shall not repeat the sentiments of 1979 but I could not have gotten here without 1979. There is a blessing in every lesson. ?

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