My greatest mistake was staying too long in a place I knew damn well I no longer belong. It’s a tragic feeling to live in a place I felt less like being. It seemed like everyone around me had found their way yet I waited and waited each day….for peace, love, and blessings…never realizing that I had to stop being complacent and clean up my messes. Then I heard a voice say…’prayer without works is dead!’ And I realized that if I waited one more day that would be my life instead. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday.

This week has been very difficult for me…the first week after a breakup typically is and then I bounce back (well with everyone but the ex factor). I’ve learned so much and on this Serenity Saturday, I want to share 5 things I learned through painful growth: 5. ADVICE! Everyone does things differently so when your family and friends offer advice…remember that they don’t know everything and they are only speaking from their own experiences. You do not have to take their advice, after all you are the master of your own destiny. 4. FEARS! It is human nature for people to give advice from a place of FEARS. Typically when you are making a huge change in your life, loved ones will immediately give advice warning you off of what they are scared to do. If packing up your things and leaving a bad relationship within 24 hours are what you desire to do…don’t let anyone stop you. We all have different fears and strengths. Don’t let other people hold you back. Tap into your strengths and take the risk of moving forward! 3. THOSE WHO ARE WAIT AND SEE PEOPLE! For the last couple years, I’ve felt trapped in my current occupation. This week I asked a friend (who is in a career I would love to be) for some advice and she told me my resume was fine and I just need to keep applying. Now I asked for her advice so I’m not mad she gave it. However, in life, her and I are drastically different! She is a “wait and see person” while I grab life by the balls, roll the dice, and push forward into the unknown. Her advice was good for her but I knew I couldn’t take it. It did not match my destiny on all levels! I could wait and see if Elijah will grow (maybe at age 50? Fml) into a less cheap and controlling man or can do what I did…dump his ass and hand my number to the next dude. Some folks will watch their lives pass them by waiting and seeing. I’m not judging…I’m just saying it’s not for me! I am the master of my own destiny and the only person (besides God) that can determine where I go next is me. I’m not afraid to take the risks! Being trapped, whether in a career or relationship, is a horrible feeling but some people get complacent and accept that this is all their life is going to be! NOT ME! 2. FAITH! If you are a person of deep faith and spirituality, you can never be a wait and see person! Like my good friend, Grace, always reminds me, “Faith without works is dead!” (James 2:14-26). It’s the truth! You can’t just pray about it…you got to be about it! So I know many women would have stayed with Elijah without him ever making a change but that’s not me! Same with my career! I can no longer stay here…I must move on! 1. DESTINY! You are the master of your own destiny! No matter how much family and friends love you, it is ultimately YOU who needs to be invested in your life! No one can walk the walk with you nor talk the talk with you…nor should you expect them to! Good friends and family will check in while you are on your journey but will respect that you have to find your own way! Honor your spirit and your strengths by moving forward in a way that feels good for you. Don’t be afraid to take risks but pray while you do. We are not meant to be exactly alike so even if someone is giving you some annoying advice…respect the fact that you two are different and that they care to offer advice. Most of all, in order to hear your inner voice more clear, remind everyone that in difficult times what you need the most is not a counselor but a LISTENING ear! With all I’ve said, I have faith that this new chapter in all our lives will be great! One Love?~KJM on Serenity Saturday! Get ready for next week! I have some surprises in store for you! Also check out my friends blog, ToiTime at toitime.wordpress.com. 

Ever since I had to let Elijah go Friday night, I’ve been in bed. Mind you…today is Wednesday and I’m just getting out of bed for the first time. I think I’ve been showering every two days! Thank the stars I don’t carry body odor unless I haven’t showered for like a week! Food….one meal a day is all I’ve been able to hold down. Delivery has been my friend. And I just did my hair for the first time in almost 5 days. I’ve had some really great family and friends check in on me (to which I reply I’m doing great when I know damn well I’m deep under my covers) and some nosey ass fake friends who are on some misery loves company shit and that’s why they text…to get the gossip. Trust me I’ve a great understanding of who is who. God bless Willow! She stayed on the phone with me for hours one day and I felt strong. A funny thing happened when we hung up…Harmony, my closest friend from the West Coast, text me. Harmony is a G for real. I texted her back the same reply I’ve been giving everyone…I’m good! But then I broke down crying (finally) and text Harmony back that I’m a mess! She said that she understood that the tears weren’t for Elijah….they were for me. When Willow called back I told her how I broke down and she said good…I have to get it out. It’s a beautiful thing to be surrounded by such strong women! Toi, Willow, and Harmony really came through. I finally let myself grieve…not for Elijah…but for what he represented. He represented HOPE. That’s why it took me so long to name him on my blog. I wanted his name to speak to me in my darkest hours…never realizing he was going to bring some clouds. With both the Ex Factor and Elijah, I grieved the promise…the promise to be good to me, not hurt me, to build with me, and to finally feel like I didn’t have to take on the world alone. As I’ve mentioned before, I stayed with the ex factor on and off for over 5 years because out of all my men…my gut told me he would have been the most amazing father. When he wanted to, the ex factor could make the sun come out. He rode with me through joblessness, being broke, and days when I doubted my career would actually take off. That’s why I stayed with him when he lost his job. I rode with him until he was on his feet. My love was just that deep for him but we didn’t work. We will never work. And while it’s great to know there is a part of him that misses me, I can’t wait to hear about when he’s met the woman for him and decided to be the great man I know he could be. You know you once loved when you have walked away and only want the best for your past. When I met Elijah 3 weeks before I left the ex factor, I thought he was sent to me by God. After all, I was crying and praying on my subway ride to work and shortly after I arrived at my destination, Elijah introduced himself to me. I had never had a prayer answered so quickly. Even still, it took me 3 weeks before I gave Elijah my business card. I had to be sure he was an Act of GOD and not the devil. During times of sorrow, it isn’t just God that can hear your cries and I was aware of this. But how do you know who sent your next boyfriend?! I stepped out on faith and did something I had never done in any prior relationship…I prayed on Elijah and I. The irony here is I don’t think Elijah even believes in God! He said he was open to Jesus the day we met but as the months went by…it became clear he was not. That’s how I knew it wasn’t God who sent him though my faith tells me that there is nothing and no one that God can’t heal and change….so I hung in there. I still believe GOD can change any man. No task is too big for HIM?? Still I laid in the bed…sometimes praying, sometimes crying, sometimes feeling helpless, and THEN finally getting up. That’s the thing most people won’t tell you…strength isn’t about pretending not to be hurt. Strength is falling apart, picking up the pieces, healing, and moving forward with love in your heart! So if you are feeling stuck and going through something major…don’t feel like you have to walk around like nothing has happened. Fall apart if you need to but don’t forget God isn’t going to leave you in pieces! In the words of someone unknown, “a breakdown is a set up for a breakthrough!” I encourage my readers to have a breakthrough with me! You are not alone!?? ~KJM is so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. Check out ToiTime at toitime.wordpress.com. It’s an awesome blog, written by my friend Toi, that shines light on so many issues especially for those of you with families? Happy Hump Day?

Last night, one of my married friends who is also a blogger, Toi, responded privately to my blog “Do Husbands Get Soaked In The Rain?” It’s like she knew I needed someone to talk to in a way that gave me peace with my decision. She replied “yes husbands do get soaked in the rain with their wives…if they want to stay husbands!” Toi also reminded me that “old fools were once young fools.” The thing is I’ve known a lot of wives who married husbands that would not get soaked in the rain with them and many of them are either remarried to great husbands or stayed way too long and are now divorced. I love to learn from other people’s experiences. Unlike most of these young folks out here, I don’t want to learn everything for myself even when wiser people are warning me of things. I am happy to grab a pen and a pad and take notes! When I wrote last night’s blog, I wasn’t waivering from my decision. Elijah just was not ready for real love and commitment. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from my two longest relationships, Julio and the ex factor, it is to stay away from selfish people and save yourself! No amount of love is going to change a person if they don’t want to change! I explained to Toi that had I been angry when Elijah would not meet me out in the rain, we would probably still be dating! But I felt disappointment and then sadness…feelings I’m not use to and they were my indication that I’ve done all I can do in this relationship. Elijah needs a woman who will always come to him and he never has to show up for her. I’m not that woman! My future spouse has to be willing to walk away from it all and come get soaked in the rain with me when he senses I need him! Yes I was strong enough to make the journey all the way to see Elijah. I did not need him to carry me over puddles like some back in the day movie but I needed to know he would come for me. It was the act itself that I needed to see and feel. Independent means I can do for myself but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a companion in life who has my back and I have his! On a recent trip, my cab driver, who picked me up from the airport, and I discussed relationships. He asked me why such a beautiful and intelligent woman such as myself was not married. My reply…”until I meet a man where when I look in his eyes I see the unconditional love my father has for me…I shall be single!” My cab driver paused and then turned around to look at me at a red light and said “you know that may be damn near impossible because no one loves you like your father!” He is probably right but my daddy has spent all 34 years of my life carrying me in the rain! Papa Michaels made me into the very strong young woman I am today and there’s nothing I’ve ever done in life that made his love for me waiver. I am my father’s joy and I wake up knowing it every day. Until I see even a glimmer of that unconditional love in a man’s eyes romantically, there’s no way I can become a wife! I was built to stand in the rain by myself and to know when to get out of the rain but true love to me…like the love I’ve known since my creation…is the type of love worth getting soaked for! And so I wait. Thank you so much Papa Michaels for loving my spoil behind in a way where I won’t be with someone who wouldn’t get soaked in the rain with me! I wish this kind of love, whether through family and/or romantically to all my readers! ~KJM on Charm School Monday saying thanks for being there Toi! 

I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long! I was sick and traveling but I’m back now! Did you miss me? I sure hope so! Let’s dive in and get deep today! Right before my flight home on Sunday, I saw a quote that stopped me dead in my tracks. It said “Nothing ever goes AWAY until it teaches us what we need to know.” It left me breathless! There was a time I felt I would never heal from all the ex factor had put me through…and all I had allowed in my life. Have you ever felt pain so bad you thought you were going to die from it right there and then?! That was me with the ex factor. Now almost 7 months to the day of our breakup and I’m in love again…living in an imperfect world with Elijah that just might one day…be perfect for us. There’s days I don’t think Elijah and I are going to make it and I just want to let go. Then I’ve days like today when I wake up feeling like Elijah is my life. My chance to get it right. My heart. And it’s in those moments that my life with the ex factor seems so far away. I feel like the pain and the hurt were ten years ago. It’s the strangest feeling to get over heartbreak and betrayal and dust yourself off with your heart open…again. I never thought I had the strength to get here. I guess what the universe was trying to tell me is I learned all I could from the ex factor and it’s ok that I let go of the pain. I’m so grateful for these moments and even with all he put me through, I wish the ex factor nothing but the best. I am free to love without the rip tides of pain and destruction! Man, God is good ALL the time! ?? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday? 

I had a dream last night and it seemed so real. It was of him…a man I had not spoken to in 8 years. In each scene of the dream, I lived out the vivid imagery of a life I was never meant to have with him. I felt safe and I felt loved. All my hopes were wrapped up in him and I did not care. He saw all my flaws but still came back for me. Broken…piece by piece. That’s how he found me. I could see his heart in his gaze. I had never been loved so deeply. I could see our life together and it was so worth the risks it took us to get there. I had a dream last night and in those moments I did not want to awaken from it. The dream was filled with a life I could not bring myself to live. Eight years ago, a man told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I hung up the phone and never returned his calls. It was all too scary. I cannot live with regrets for our time has passed. But oh in that dream and only in that dream could I feel eternity and know deep in my heart…that we would last. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday…remembering “Dallas.”