Ever since I had to let Elijah go Friday night, I’ve been in bed. Mind you…today is Wednesday and I’m just getting out of bed for the first time. I think I’ve been showering every two days! Thank the stars I don’t carry body odor unless I haven’t showered for like a week! Food….one meal a day is all I’ve been able to hold down. Delivery has been my friend. And I just did my hair for the first time in almost 5 days. I’ve had some really great family and friends check in on me (to which I reply I’m doing great when I know damn well I’m deep under my covers) and some nosey ass fake friends who are on some misery loves company shit and that’s why they text…to get the gossip. Trust me I’ve a great understanding of who is who. God bless Willow! She stayed on the phone with me for hours one day and I felt strong. A funny thing happened when we hung up…Harmony, my closest friend from the West Coast, text me. Harmony is a G for real. I texted her back the same reply I’ve been giving everyone…I’m good! But then I broke down crying (finally) and text Harmony back that I’m a mess! She said that she understood that the tears weren’t for Elijah….they were for me. When Willow called back I told her how I broke down and she said good…I have to get it out. It’s a beautiful thing to be surrounded by such strong women! Toi, Willow, and Harmony really came through. I finally let myself grieve…not for Elijah…but for what he represented. He represented HOPE. That’s why it took me so long to name him on my blog. I wanted his name to speak to me in my darkest hours…never realizing he was going to bring some clouds. With both the Ex Factor and Elijah, I grieved the promise…the promise to be good to me, not hurt me, to build with me, and to finally feel like I didn’t have to take on the world alone. As I’ve mentioned before, I stayed with the ex factor on and off for over 5 years because out of all my men…my gut told me he would have been the most amazing father. When he wanted to, the ex factor could make the sun come out. He rode with me through joblessness, being broke, and days when I doubted my career would actually take off. That’s why I stayed with him when he lost his job. I rode with him until he was on his feet. My love was just that deep for him but we didn’t work. We will never work. And while it’s great to know there is a part of him that misses me, I can’t wait to hear about when he’s met the woman for him and decided to be the great man I know he could be. You know you once loved when you have walked away and only want the best for your past. When I met Elijah 3 weeks before I left the ex factor, I thought he was sent to me by God. After all, I was crying and praying on my subway ride to work and shortly after I arrived at my destination, Elijah introduced himself to me. I had never had a prayer answered so quickly. Even still, it took me 3 weeks before I gave Elijah my business card. I had to be sure he was an Act of GOD and not the devil. During times of sorrow, it isn’t just God that can hear your cries and I was aware of this. But how do you know who sent your next boyfriend?! I stepped out on faith and did something I had never done in any prior relationship…I prayed on Elijah and I. The irony here is I don’t think Elijah even believes in God! He said he was open to Jesus the day we met but as the months went by…it became clear he was not. That’s how I knew it wasn’t God who sent him though my faith tells me that there is nothing and no one that God can’t heal and change….so I hung in there. I still believe GOD can change any man. No task is too big for HIM?? Still I laid in the bed…sometimes praying, sometimes crying, sometimes feeling helpless, and THEN finally getting up. That’s the thing most people won’t tell you…strength isn’t about pretending not to be hurt. Strength is falling apart, picking up the pieces, healing, and moving forward with love in your heart! So if you are feeling stuck and going through something major…don’t feel like you have to walk around like nothing has happened. Fall apart if you need to but don’t forget God isn’t going to leave you in pieces! In the words of someone unknown, “a breakdown is a set up for a breakthrough!” I encourage my readers to have a breakthrough with me! You are not alone!?? ~KJM is so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. Check out ToiTime at toitime.wordpress.com. It’s an awesome blog, written by my friend Toi, that shines light on so many issues especially for those of you with families? Happy Hump Day?