Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

The First Time (The What I Didn’t Know Edition)

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A friend of mine says my blog is a sex blog and she loves it! While I’m so humbled that people are reading and loving my blog…I sure hope I’m providing you with more than just kegel tips! Lol. In the spirit of Hump Day I’m going to debunk some sexual myths for my younger/inexperienced readers. I will use my experiences with Julio (my first for almost everything including love) and one other sex partner that I may leave nameless! Lol. Come take a tour with me to figure out how Kingston Jael got so…well knowledgable on sexual topics. They say God looks out for children and fools…my life is a testimony of that! Sexual Myths for my first timers:

7. WAITING ON SEX IS JUVENILE! Julio and I met towards the end of my second year of high school through one of his female cousins who went to my academy and ended up dating on and off for ten years! I bet she still regrets introducing us! Lol. This April 2016, Julio’s been in my life for 19 years ?? I always call myself his ex wife ? Even though we met when I was a sophomore and he was a junior, I made him wait until the second semester of my freshman year of college to have sex for the first time. I wanted to be out of my parents’ house and made my education my top priority. Julio was also a virgin. That didn’t mean waiting was easy. I didn’t give blow jobs and don’t remember even wanting to give hand jobs as a teenager. Cum to think of it…my hands are tired now just imagining it! Poor Julio suffered from serious blue balls for years but he waited with me and that made things all the more special? To anyone contemplating their first time ever or a first time with a new partner, I say never rush it. Let the feelings flow so that it can mean something! Julio knew I was worth the wait and I’m forever grateful for that! Even now, as an experienced adult, I make a new partner wait until I feel safe and secure. I’m in no rush and you shouldn’t be either. Waiting for sex=maturity!

6. ALL FEMALE VIRGINS BLEED THE FIRST TIME! I sure the hell bled everywhere and so bad that Julio had to put me in the shower and clean up all my blood that seemed to be everywhere! I was traumatized! However, I do have many friends who did not bleed the first time. Lack of blood does not mean a woman is not a virgin!

5. CONDOMS DON’T WORK! I’m going to tell you right now…condoms, when not used properly, defective, or expired can break. The second time Julio and I did it, I left Penn State to visit him at his college in NYC. Because I had made him wait all these years, I decided to make it a weekend where we did it as much as he wanted. Keep in mind we were inexperienced….we ended up doing it 14 times in the first night! Each time we used a condom but my dumb ass got back on the bus to Penn State thinking I was pregnant. Touching my belly on the bus, I told a fellow student that I just had to be pregnant because there’s no way all 14 condoms worked! She looked at me like I was crazy…like I was an 18 year old just finding out Santa Claus doesn’t exist! Of course…all 14 condoms did work?? Shout out to all the condom companies! Where would I be without you?! Lol. While we didn’t create a family…there were repercussions for our actions. I couldn’t sit on a toilet seat for over 2 weeks and Julio pulled a muscle in his groin area. This brings me to number 4.

4. CUM AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IN A SHORT TIME PERIOD! While climaxing is the most pleasurable experience, each person’s body has a certain limitation in a certain time period. This may be different for each person and depend on gender as the female body can actually last much longer than the males. Moral here is just because it feels good…doesn’t mean you should do it! Towards the end of the 14 times, we had to use KY gel because my pussy had dried up so bad. Not to mention…it burned the hell out of my private parts. I was left sore and exhausted and Julio had to be put on medication for his groin muscle injury! Both our parents found out and this may just explain why his mama never liked me. To Julio’s mama I say…luv ya…but please remember who was dragging who to hell! The 14 times was definitely not my idea! Thank you for raising an extraordinary young man though ?

3. PRE-EJACULATION CAN’T GET YOU PREGNANT! Please discuss this with your doctor before making this very uneducated assumption. To my knowledge sperm is sperm, and if that sucker gets to swimming who the fuck knows where it will end up. I’ve been blocking the sperm with birth control and condoms since 2000! One thing I know for sure is some of my friends tried to out smart the sperm and now have teenage children! I’ve always treated the sperm like that scene from the movie “The Exorcist” when the girl is tied to the bed and the priest is approaching her with a crucifix. In this analogy, the crap that was foaming out her mouth would be the sperm and the crucifix would be the condoms and birth control! Right now my childhood priest just woke up and wants to smack the hell out of someone and doesn’t know why! I apology to all the nuns and priests that have taught me throughout the years. But you have to admit…that’s one hell of an analogy ?

2. DOUBLING UP ON BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AFTER MISSING ONE OR MANY WILL PREVENT PREGNANCY! If I had a quarter for every time some woman told me she got pregnant on the pill….I would be rich. Like any other drug, there are disclaimers for all types of birth control. Most oral pills are 99% effective when….wait for it….USED CORRECTLY! Yes there is a 1% chance that even when used correctly, a woman could get pregnant. However, I’m not quite sure how most women in my neighborhood were that 1%….unless there was something in our water. It all smelt like bull shit to me and I was right! When I actually took the time to speak to these women, I found out most were not taking the pill correctly. You can’t take a daily pill once a week and expect for it to cover you all week! Silly rabbits!

1. THE PULL OUT METHOD WORKS! Lawd a mercy! If there’s ever a myth you need to run away from it would be this one. At my all girls academy, I had to take a natural family planning class my senior year. It taught us how to count our calendars to see what days in the month we would be ovulating so that we could….wait for it…make babies with our husbands! I seriously don’t know how I sat through that class with a straight face or how I survived it! One thing it did teach me though was that while getting pregnant isn’t that easy for most women….at some point the pull out method was created to fail you! I think it was designed by God to remind us that He is a vengeful God and we bet not try to play Him! Lol. I’m sure my parents are going to kill me when they read this! So if a guy tells you he is going to pull out…know that after a while the universe will make it that the few minutes he is in….some of that semen will fertilize one of your eggs! People tend not to count their calendar prior to using this method because it’s generally a method used by the un-planners! That’s right…this method is usually advertised by the penises that need to be in a corner with a dunce hat on it! Picture that! Lol! Protect yourself and be responsible for your own reproductive systems! ~KJM saying do the “Humpty Hump” safely on Hump Day!???

Tattooed On My Pussy (His Name)

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Just one touch and I was his. My inner thighs and walls spelt out…EX FACTOR. He taught me how to make love. I was his and wanted to only be his forever. Imagining him being the last man to ever sample me got me high. We made love. Can you taste my love baby? To this day, another man’s touch feels unnatural. He was my drug. We made love. I didn’t know the last time would be our last time. Five years and three months of his name being tattooed on my pussy. I tried so hard to make my mark. I’m hoping somewhere in this world…he’s waking up and remembering that KINGSTON use to be on that dick…tattied out! 

The Ultimate Throwback (The Forbidden Fruit Edition)

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Seduction. Passion. My love. He was 20 years old and I was 29. We met indirectly through our sisters one summer. It was suppose to just be a summer romance. My first love,Julio, was still in my life and Phoenix, my long term side piece and friend, was on the scene. Yet there was something about the ex factor that made him stand out. I was in a huge transformation with my career and family life. This time period was the lowest in my life. I was in financial ruins and situationally depressed. Here cums the ex factor! I never expected it to last for more than a summer and I never thought I would sleep with him. He was just a boy and I was a woman. Somehow he found a way to be there for me in a way Julio and Phoenix couldn’t. And so I fell in love…somewhere in between our first kiss, seventh date, and way before we ever had sex. I’ve written so much about how I loved him and how he hurt me. This will not be one of those posts. I want to share the passion with you. The passion…I remember like it was yesterday. It was a very hot summer night in 2010. We were cuddling and overlooking the Tappan Zee bridge in New York. He was so caring then. Arms around me…giving me that fake security. Up until this point, I had barely let him touch me. So far, I can only fall in love before sex. There may be a man that’s an exception to that rule but so far my two loves (Julio and the ex factor) followed that formula. The ex factor took my hand on a warm summer day, once again overlooking the Tappan Zee bridge, but this time, he was protecting me from sun showers. I fell hard! Now back to this hot steamy night. Some details I have to leave out to protect the innocent but see if you can follow where I’m going…where we were going. We made love in the midst of the elements. I could barely breathe. Instantly intoxicated with love and passion…I seduced him. Before you judge me…I…never…meant…for…any…of…it…to…happen. I didn’t even realize that I was already in love. Three and a half months later when the reality of this unorthodox relationship stepped in…that’s when I figured out that it was that day with the sun showers that I fell in love. Had I realized I was in love…I would never have slept with him. You see I can separate love and sex easily. Most of my dating life was filled with sex…not making love. I could walk away from each of them like they never tasted me and I never breathed them. But you can’t do that with real lovemaking. The ex factor had taken my heart hostage and my body followed. We hungrily enticed each other…out in the elements not too far from the Tappan Zee. I don’t think I had ever made love like this. At times it was slow and romantic. Then our rhythm would pick up the pace and our sex became rough and thrilling. So rough that when we were done…I had lost a chunk of my left knee! That’s right…our first time left me bleeding and scarred. Scarred so bad that the ex factor will always be a part of me figuratively and literally! I still have the dark brown scar on my left knee. I hope Elijah doesn’t read this…I’ve a feeling he will never kiss my left knee. Lol. I now understand what BeyoncĂ© meant when she said she was “Drunk In Love.” I didn’t even need liquor to feel that inebriated. Just the ex factor’s dick, lust, and an open heart…my open heart. Some days I really miss him but other days I remind myself that the season for the ex factor has ended. But before we go…baby you took my heart and body through leaps and bounds. I taste you, breathe you, and lust after you sometimes in my dreams. When I awake, however, I feel numb. Winter has come and our love no longer bares fruit. Thank you though. I will forever know what it feels like to eat forbidden fruit. ~KJM reminiscing about the lovemaking on Throwback Thursday!

What’s Not On The Menu (A Tossed Salad Edition)

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I once had a guy brag about how good he was going to eat my ass. Me, being the lady I am, assumed he was joking. On our first sexual encounter, to my surprise and delight, he tossed my salad so well that I’m sure neighbors 30 minutes away could hear my screams of pleasure! How uncomfortable I was….enjoying something that was not hygienic. I mean, I’m a very clean woman but it’s a fact that no matter how well you wash, the asshole will always have some shit in it! The further that tongue goes the more likely it is to find shit. It’s like digging for gold in a gold mine except there’s no prize of monetary value there! I dated him for 3 months….long enough to feel like he had given me a lifetime worth of tossed salads. In my current dating life, I would never order a man to eat my ass but I can’t deny what a good feeling it was…when done right. A part of me wonders how the fuck he got so good at tossing salads and then I remembered the reason why we broke up. Yea….I will never look at nuts on a salad the same again… ~KJM on Hump Day!

How To Make Amends With Your New Year’s Resolutions (That You Know Damn Well You Need To Make)

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It’s that time of year again. “A New Year, A New Me” most of us scream while you are quietly taking some steps backwards! It’s very hard to commit to change and that’s why many of us need the New Year to inspire us. Here are some changes most of us know damn well we need to make but are hesitant to do so! Time for Kingston Jael to give you that loving push you so desperately need.

7. DUMPING THAT TOXIC FRIEND! We all have them…people that intentionally and unintentionally drain the life out of us and bring negativity into our lives. Usually it’s someone we grew up with but sometimes it can be a new friend. We care for them dearly but every interaction with them is sucking the life out of us. It’s time! No matter how long you guys been down….some seasons of friendships do end. Don’t let the longevity of a friendship leave you feeling like a hostage. Swim to shore and leave that so called fake friend to drown (figure of speech) if need be!

6. ADAPTING HEALTHIER EATING HABITS/WORKING OUT! We all need to eat better and work out more (as long as there aren’t any health issues preventing you from doing so)….but please do not be one of those crazy people on some cleanse that is meant to be a lifestyle change! Who can survive off of grass and lemon water? Girl bye! Today is the day to start your healthy eating habits but start slow! That goes for working out too! Everything is a process and that includes change! Start by walking and then walking and running. Don’t force yourself into marathon mode when you haven’t exercised in 10 years! And if you can, don’t do it alone. See your physician and a trainer before starting any hardcore workout routine. I know you can do it! There’s just no need to do it by tomorrow! The more you gradually make changes is the more it will feel normal. Also, stick to changes that are reasonable. I don’t know about you but I can’t eat mulch with seaweed for the rest of my life while others eat steak! Lastly, be easy on yourself and your progress. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t see changes overnight. Keep at it! “Slow and steady wins the race.”

5. SAYING GOODBYE TO ALWAYS SAYING YES! I’m exhausted just writing that! You see…NO is my favorite word. Some of you are trying to please the world while losing your mind. As a matter of fact, you are probably reading this while you are babysitting ten of your neighbors’ children while having to take care of your three and currently cleaning up the poop of one of your neighbors’ pet alligator! Yea you heard me….pet alligator! And if you are not careful you will get eaten…hopefully by life first and not said alligator lol. Back away from it all and learn your limits! Learn to say NO! Being a people pleaser is one of the fastest ways to become burnt out and depressed. So drop the poop, send the children home, and stop saying yes to ridiculous favors that will leave you wanting to down a bottle of tequila afterwards. In the words of the character Whitley Gilbert on “A Different World”…“relax, relate, and release!” Yea you could say NO to this advice but I promise this will be the one time you will regret not saying YES!

4. STOP THE BREAKUPS TO MAKE UPS! I’ve recently had to stop this myself. Usually what was wrong the first time is what was wrong the tenth time! I’m not sure why I got addicted to the cycle. Well it might have been that I really loved the ex factor but at a certain point “love don’t live here no more.” Save yourself time and be open to new love. It’s the worst feeling when everyone around you is getting engaged and married and you still trying to get him to just be your boyfriend! FML! Been there and over it✌?️Know that you are worth more and go get that more! I’m not eating burgers anymore…only medium rare steak from the best cow!??

3. LOSE THAT SHITTY ASS JOB! This one is definitely on my 2016 list! Too often we feel unappreciated, under paid, and worn out from these tired ass jobs! It’s time for change! Now it’s still an employers’ market so be cautious here. If you are unhappy with your job, start your job searching and networking while working that shitty ass job! Every day tell yourself that your new job is on the way! Be diligent and purposeful and remember that no change happens overnight unless it’s in God’s plans. Hold tight and don’t get discouraged…your new job is on the way!

2. STAYING IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP! So you guys may not be in the “breakups to make ups” cycle but you are certainly in a rut! Every night you lay next to him knowing he’s not the one and it just isn’t working. Yet you stay because you don’t want to be alone, you are scared of being on the dating scene again (me too!), or he’s a good man…he’s just not good for you! You are just hurting both of you by staying where you know you don’t belong. There was a time in my life (just for 3 months) where I had just broken up with the ex factor and ended up dating someone even worse. Heartbreak made it hard for me to see all the warning signs. For the most part, the rebound guy treated me well but there was just something in my spirit that knew I was in danger! I got out of that situation as quickly as I could and spent the next year and a half alone…of course with the ex factor still texting me! I never want to lay next to a man again knowing my heart, spirit, and hopes for the future were somewhere else! Be certain, be strong, and then take steps to leave a relationship that you know was never meant for you!

1. NOT PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST! We sometimes try to be everything to everyone…leaving ourselves feeling depleted. I don’t care if you are a mom or just a single woman without kids, you have to find time each week to regroup! Your are no good to anyone exhausted and just straight out of your mind! I know this is easier said than done but you have to try. When you are all things to yourself, you will have energy to be some things to others. Putting others aside, do you love you? If so, then you shouldn’t be last on your own list all the time. If not, today is a great day to start! ~KJM wishing you a Happy New Year and a Happy New You on Charm School Monday!

36 Year Old Penis And Up

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Dating a younger guy just for fun is cool. I recommend every grown woman to do it before she gets married. The sex alone will blow your mind! Some of y’all will actually marry your Pretty Young Thangs. I tip my hat off to you?? As for where I am currently in my life, if the penis isn’t 36 and older…it won’t pique my interest. I’m going through a grown man phase…36 years old and up with his shit together?? Don’t step to me if you don’t have the initial credentials✌?️

A FULL BUSH

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It’s Christmas Eve and in the honor of resting my body over the holidays, I laid in my filth until around 5pm. Boy it felt great to not be commuting nor working today! At the point where I could no longer stand laying in my pajamas (more like my version of some), I grabbed my towel and headed to the shower. Just as I was going to step one foot in the tub, I noticed a shadow blocking the other foot. I looked down and to my horror…I had grown a very full bush!

Usually I trim my bush the first day after my period ends. I do this whether it’s one of my celibate years or one of my “dick could fall out the sky” years. My maintenance is NEVER for a man!  Lately, I’ve been working very long hours 6 days a week. On my one day off, typically Sunday, I’m so exhausted that just showering is a task. I’m guessing this is how my bush escaped me. Generally, I’m not a hairy woman…I barely have eyebrows…so a little trim once a month keeps my bush low and cute. Low enough where it doesn’t seem like I’m growing a garden yet full enough that it doesn’t seem like I’m a 12yr old child. Yuck. I generally don’t date men who have a fetish for a bald bush!

Now back to my horror! What to do with my full bush? I could keep growing it and rebel against all the sexist pressure that strongly encourages me to shave it or I could just go get my shaver and do what must be done! Speaking of what must be done…I’m still trying to figure out how my bush got this way. I’ve probably been having sex once a month (if that) and I’m not even sure if Elijah and I will ever be doing it again. I want to have romance and a chance to fall in love and I just don’t think that’s in the cards for Elijah and I. We both work like crazy (he works more than I do which I admire) and our communication skills are horrible. Come to think of it…last I saw him my bush was probably more full than I normally keep her. But since I haven’t had a man eat me out in almost 3 years and my sex life in general has been scarce and uneventful in the last 4 years…I’m surprised I didn’t just grow a tropical forest on top of my vagina!

And if I never shave her again…are grown men ordering a full bush nowadays? These are all the thoughts running through my mind as I debate.

Finally, I break down, run upstairs, and grab my razor. I get in the shower and I shave my bush to her usual glory. When it comes down to it…I’m a straight woman and just the thought of cuddling up with a full bush left me feeling…well…hairy. ~KJM wishing you a Happy Christmas Eve on this unseasonably warm Throwback Thursday?

Things I’m Scared I Will Never Do Again (Without You)

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We’ve all been there. In a relationship that didn’t work and may even have brought us deep pain but also at times brought us pure joy. I know I made the right decision with moving forward because I could not lie to myself…that it was ok to be put on hold. I could no longer tell myself that it was natural to be his after thought. I could no longer allow myself to not be his priority. But even with moving forward, there are things I’m terrified that I will not be able to do now that I’ve let him go. Going to count down as if I’m talking directly to the ex factor.

7. I’m afraid I will not be able to have quiet time with someone I care about. Meaning to be silent with the one I love but our quality time together means something. Just one look and you get me.

6.  I’m afraid I won’t have a special place that I share with someone I love. That place that no matter the tension and arguments, once there, we somehow learn how to love and be there for one another.

5.  I’m afraid that no other man will know exactly how to set up my bath/hot tub with candles. You watched me do it once and you nailed it. I loved stepping into the hot tub knowing you know my water temperature and know exactly where to place the towels so we are both comfortable. I loved talking about our day by candlelight.

4. I’m terrified that no other man will remember that he can’t leave the tv on something scary or intense like the news when we are going to bed because I periodically wake up throughout the night and just want to see something happy on tv.

3. I’m scared that I may never go on a date anticipating every moment because I’m truly with the man I love the most. My heart skipped a beat for years while dating you. Even in the difficult times, my heart was always so open to you.

2. I’m afraid I will never make love to a man again. After making love for 5 years, I cringe at the thought of just getting into bed with a man purely for sexual pleasure. I cringe at some man touching me and not understanding how to entice me and tap into my love language. While our sex life greatly suffered the last 4 months of our dating….the power struggles and disconnection were ruining us…you were the first man I’ve actually made love to. I can separate love and sex easily but with you, when things were great, I had the best of both worlds.

And 1. I’m terrified I will never fall in love again…especially as deeply and intensely. These are my fears. I pray my future special someone can make me feel so safe and secure and that I receive all these things plus all the wonderful things you could never give me. I’m scared but still I move forward. I move forward with hopes of a greater love. I’m going to use my fear to drive me to the love I so deserve.

~KJM on Temptation Tuesday (saying to my readers….let those of us with broken hearts all learn to fall in love all over again with someone new and great).

It Works on Men Too (A Woman’s Guide To A Man’s Heart and/or Out the Dog House)

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If you recently cheated with your man’s best friend, family member, or associate, STOP reading! This blog won’t be for you. Nothing can really help you now but Jesus! It may be over forever! Now for the rest of us that mess up in different ways with our men or want to try something different with men…this is for you! Here are 6 things they claim only work on women but I’ve actually tried on men and been successful at:

6. BUY A MAN A DRINK AT A BAR. There’s been this ugly assumption that if a woman shows a man interest first, she will be seen as easy. This is simply not true. I was raised to be a hunter and in my hunting career, rarely have casual relationships unless I’m purposely choosing to. Usually when I hunt, I hunt well and end up dating the man for years! Now hunting does not mean be thirsty! I do not run after a man period! I simply show interest (give him the green light) and he, in turn, must be the man and pursue me! Now that I’ve gotten that out the way…back to that drink. I lived in North Carolina for 4 years. During much of that time, I was celibate and not dating by choice. Julio, my first love, and I had our final break up at the end of my first year in NC. After that heartbreak, I needed a long break from dating. A little over a year later, on a nice hot August night in NC, I went out with some of my girls to an event that was being held at a Cuban restaurant. This was during the 2008 Democratic National Convention in which our now President, Barack Obama, was stepping forward as a man who was going to bring this country HOPE! “YES WE CAN!” And yes he did?? Okay back to this drink! Where is this fucking drink?! Hold your horses! I’m bringing it to you baby! Lol. Finally get to the event at the Cuban restaurant to see a sea of women and only a sprinkling of men! I made up my mind that I was going to meet someone that night. My pick up line was “Have you been watching the Democratic National Convention?” One guy, who I will call Mario, gave me a million dollar answer! Mario said he’s been watching it all week with his mom and his sister? Jackpot! A family oriented man! Make a long story short I bought him a drink and we went on to date for over 6 months until he got a job as a contractor in Afghanistan! Don’t worry, we kept in touch for years. He lived over seas for 3 years to make money for him and his family. I’m happy to report, Mario is in NC again and doing well! So proud of him. Now I can say the Democratic National Convention and a drink got me a man! Touchdown??

5. SENDING A MAN FLOWERS. Now hear me out! I’ve done this 4 times in my life and generally it was because I was in the dog house with a man or he had just did something wonderful for me and I wanted to say thank you in a way that everyone around him would take notice! Special note: please do not send girly looking flowers to his job! My favorites are a dozen white or deep purple roses. I like to choose an arrangement that doesn’t look like Valentine’s Day exploded and took a poop! These are for MEN after all! Now if you still don’t think this is a good idea…think again. I once asked my older male cousin what’s the nicest thing a woman has ever done for him? He replied…send him flowers and said “Even though men are generally not big on flowers, it’s nice when my woman randomly has them delivered to me. It’s like she is letting the world know that I am hers and she thought of me today! Men need that validation too!” Also, I’ve gotten out of any mess I’ve put myself into in my relationships when I said I’m sorry with flowers? That’s right! Now some of you need to go run (not walk) to the flower shop!

4. SEND A GOOD MORNING AND A GOOD NIGHT TEXT. We’ve all been there. It’s the start of a new relationship and we are so into this new guy. He texts us “good morning” and we climax! He texts us “good night” and we are calling girlfriends from the U.S. to Hong Kong to let them know that our new man not only thinks about us day and night but even dreams about us! Yassss honey! This could be love! What may not have occurred to us is that maybe he wants to know that he is the first and last thing on our minds each day! The male ego is fragile and needs reassurances too. At the start of my second longest relationship, the ex factor would text me good morning and good night. My heart would skip a beat each time especially in the first two years! As the years went on and we went through so much, I realized that I needed to reassure him too! So I started to text him as soon as my eyes opened (well after prayer that is….because Jesus is still number 1. Lol) and right as I was going to sleep. If I ever forgot, like clock work he would text me. We did this even though we text throughout the work/school day. I think it’s an important tip to follow whether at the start of a relationship or 5 years into it! The ex factor knew he was loved! I sent my love in big ways (refer to number 1) and sent it in small ways in the form of a “good night” text.

3. REDECORATE A MAN’S HOUSE. Now out of all of them…this one is tricky. If done wrong, you could completely fuck up your relationship. So proceed with caution!!!! Think back to a time you needed something fixed like a broken door knob/lock and your boo noticed it and fixed it by the time you got home? Or the time he knew you wanted some furniture for your house/apartment and surprised you with it? Men love this too! But the trick to redecorating a part of his apartment is NOT to make your female mark or change him…but to enhance him. “Upgrade him” like Beyoncé suggests! I dated a guy once that had a huge and beautiful bathroom with a separate tub and shower. His colors were burgundy and gold but everything in it was ragged and dusty! The shower mats looked like he had them for the last 10 years without washing them! I nearly died at the sight! One day, right after he went to work, I decided it was time to redecorate his bathroom. I went out and bought all the mats, shower curtains, rods, candles, towels, and wash cloths. I kept everything burgundy and gold! Those were his colors and who was I to change that! When I got back to his place, I got down on my hands and knees and cleaned that bathroom (full clean) from top to bottom! Then I set up everything. There were burgundy and gold candles in the shower, around the tub, and even at the sinks! To add the Mama Michaels touch, when I was done, I put some lavender fabuloso (it’s like pine-sol but better) in the toilet! When he got home and saw it he jumped with joy! His bathroom was fit for a KING. For the next couple months he told all his family and friends about his new bathroom! He even refused to let guests use his bathroom during the first couple days after it was redecorated by me! Score!

2. SAYING I LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU DON’T! Now I’m not proud of this one. I once said “I love you” to a guy to save our relationship. We dated for over two years and neither of us were in love! We both knew this. But when college (WE ARE! PENN STATE!) was over for the both of us and he was moving back to the west coast…I didn’t want to lose him. We agreed that if we were in love, it might be worth it to do the east coast/west coast long distance relationship. But he was such a great guy! So I said “I love you” over the phone and he immediately called me out on it! We went on to be good friends for over 10 years until he met someone special who would probably be his wife and I knew it was time to fully let him go. It’s hard throwing an amazing guy back on the market but we were right not to invest so deeply with no love present. In my longest running relationship with Julio, “I love you” (said meaningfully) got me out of the dog house several times! That shit works on men too! It’s been almost 19 years since Julio and I met and we are still in each other’s lives as friends. An “I love you” can really go a long way!

And 1. PLANNING A DATE/VACATION FOR YOUR MAN. On December 27, my parents, the Michaels, will be celebrating 32 years of marriage and been together close to 40 years! Now they are far from perfect but they are making it work the best they can and they are still IN LOVE with each other! However, ever since I could remember, Papa Michaels complains that for all the years he’s been with my mom, she has never planned a date nor vacation for them. He tells my sister Brenda and I that we better not be repeating the same mistakes with our current boyfriends and future husbands! I’ve never even seen Mama Michaels plan anything for my dad’s birthdays nor Father’s Days and this is for a man that is an active father of 3 children! I grew up with my dad making most of my meals and ironing my uniforms for school while my mom attended college and pursued her dreams of being a nurse! Now Papa Michaels ain’t perfect as a husband but he is a damn good father! The point to take away from here is sometimes it’s nice to create romance for our men. Surprise them with a nice date or vacation. I’ve done this for all my men and each time their faces light up like Christmas trees! Now let me be clear…if you are in a relationship where you always have to plan everything for your man, you are in the wrong one! Got to let a man be a man and spoil his woman. However, there is nothing wrong with a woman treating her man every now and then with a romantic getaway…especially if you guys have kids. If you have an amazing man, you should want to think outside the box when showing him love and thanking him for all he is! Amen! ~KJM dropping some serious knowledge on Charm School Monday’s.

Reasons Why Her Husband Will Never Be Yours (A Single Woman’s Perspective)

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It’s crazy to me that in this day and age single women are still writing and asking advice about an affair they are having with a married man. I read such an inquiry on Zane’s Facebook page last week. I’m not sure what she advised that poor lost soul but if I could guess…I think Zane didn’t hold back! Often times I see blogs written about staying away from married men that are written by married women. There are single women who are just as against having an affair with married men! I’m one of them! Here’s the top 10 reasons why her husband will never be yours (from a single woman’s perspective).

10. If you meet a man who is not taking care of his current home, please don’t be fooled into thinking he will come and take good care of your home. Sure when the affair is fresh and new, he may keep your lights on but as time goes on you will be burning a candle at both ends! You might as well just get your flash light out now because as DMX said “it’s dark and hell is hot.”

9. If his wife is “a money hungry bitch that doesn’t understand him”…guess who will be that next money hungry bitch (that’s in the slightest chance that he actually leaves her)?! That’s right…YOU. Some marriages really are bad but people have options to get out! Some times, on the other hand, people just make up stories to get what they want out of you. If he’s staying put, the wife can’t be all that bad.

8. KARMA. If you believe in marriage (which is odd considering what you are doing), how do you ever expect to have a blessed one in the future when you have been laying up with someone else’s husband? Not to mention in the time you spent running after a man that is already taken, you were blocking your own blessings! Put out in the universe what you hope and pray to get back.

7. STDs! If he is hitting it raw and you are just his side piece, there’s a great chance he’s sleeping with his wife unprotected. After all that is HER husband! So if one of you has an STD, surprise! You all will!

6. The ASSOCIATE/FRIEND/FAMILY RULE: Never fuck a friend, associate, nor family members’ husband unless you want to be featured on an episode of “Snapped.” This was actually what the lady who wrote Zane was doing. I think this is the nastiest of the mistresses! This is the ultimate betrayal and I find cheaters like these may never change because they were bold enough to disrespect the wife/friend in her most precious and vulnerable place…her home!

5. If there are children involved, have you thought about them? Chris Rock once said on Oprah that he learned “if you cheat on your wife, you cheat on your children!” That means you are not just hurting a marriage, you are breaking up a family! If you have your own children, what are you teaching them by having this affair? If they don’t know about it, how would you feel if they found out? Worst of all, what if you create a child through this affair? Who in the world wants to be a product of an extramarital affair? A hard dick and open legs sometimes don’t think! I hope this is giving you food for thought.

4. I promise you that your worth will decrease as you live your life in secret. Whatever you think you are adding to that woman’s husband’s life is subtracting from your own. Time spent laying up with him could be better spent on your career and/or children. He has a life that he goes back to every night. What do you have? It’s like I can hear your house phone being disconnected and see the electric company in front of your house turning off the lights. You only lose when you step into someone else’s marriage.

3. Let’s play devil’s advocate and say a married man does leave his wife for you. How faithful do you actually think he will be to you?! You can put a camera on that dick and follow him around all day and trouble may still come your way. Something tells me he would be caught slipping into someone else’s pussy and even worse…you would have the look of shock on your face! Girlfriend you taught him what he knows! Of course he would graduate and use his degree in lies, deceit, and cheat to excel…elsewhere!

2. It feels like you are winning when you steal another woman’s husband but you are not. SHE IS THE WIFE and you my dear are the mistress. Anything great this man achieves, it will be partly because of her. She raised his kids and supported his dreams long before you let him into your bed. No man gives an acceptance speech thanking his mistress. So essentially you don’t exist after he cums. Ouch. Try to pull your face up off the floor…grab your panties while you are there! It’s unladylike to have your face hanging and your draws right next to it!

And 1. The number 1 reason why her husband will never be yours is….if that man is worth a dime, the wife gets it all once he drops dead! It’s 2015 going on 2016 and it’s a recession. Baby girl you have to be fiscally responsible and investing in someone else’s husband while her name is on the mortgage, life insurance, pension plan, checking account, savings account, and his stocks and bonds…is just plain stupid. Mistress incorporated don’t pay well forever…if ever! You will go from shopping at Saks 5th Avenue to selling knock off Gucci bags (also known as Cucci bags) in alleyways. Don’t worry though if you get out of the affair now you may be able to get your finances together on your own and invest in yourself. And if you still feenin for a throwback (like someone’s husband)…I hear Coogi Sweaters are making a comeback! Purchase one and you never know…you may just meet your future (currently not married) husband in one! ~KJM on Hump Day saying it’s easier to keep them ankles from being ashy when you don’t use all your natural moistures on some woman’s husband! Lol.

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