It’s Spring cleaning and here at “Kingston Expressions” we do not like to leave any stone unturned. Some of y’all are currently throwing out anything from old clothes to cheating boyfriends but I encourage you to look deeper and evaluate your friendship circle. Mama Michaels has the most old skool ghetto trash friends! In the over three decades on this earth that I’ve known my mom, she never could turn a lost nor evil soul away. I, on the other hand, treat friendships like Papa Michaels. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. is the foundation of all my friendships and if it isn’t there, I don’t care how many years we have been down…YOU GOT TO GO! Luckily, I’ve been very blessed in friendship. Most of my friendships are 30, 20, or at least 15 years old! What can I say? Bitches (excuse my language here lol) get good friends. To me friendship is higher than any romantic relationship but marriage. I’m not the worlds best girlfriend but if I’ve been your friend, you are loved and respected in a way most of my boyfriends have never been! Also, I’ve almost an equal amount of male and female friends. Contrary to popular belief, a strong woman loves to have strong women friends! My friends are diverse, loyal, hardworking, honest, and got my back. I’m forever grateful for the love they give me. Special shout out to all my Penn State friends! Met most of y’all in 1999 and no matter where you all live in the US, I’ve a home and true friendship in you! WE ARE! PENN STATE! Now to get to the meat of this blog. If you find that you have a friend that exhibits two or more of these traits on this list…it might be time to reevaluate that friendship. Here are the many so called friends myself, Willow, and Mama Michaels have known in life. The Bitches Got To Go List:

20. NO NEW FRIENDS: Drake warned about “no new friends” and he wasn’t lying. Everyone defines a new friend in different ways but for me, a new friend is anyone I’ve been friends with for less than 10 years! Until we cross that 10 year mark, I always keep my eyes on how the friendship is growing. However, there were a few cockroaches (um I mean so called friends) that manage to hide their dirty deeds until after the 10 year mark and even then they had to go. The thing to learn here is like any relationship, trust has to be earned. Generally, you can only learn that over time! ✌?

19. THE WE BEEN DOWN FOREVER FOLKS: But have we? Down for me means you have had my back openly and honestly throughout the friendship. Just like a cheating and lying boyfriend, I don’t care how much space you take up in my life. Time means nothing to me if you were hiding your true self. Even if we were friends for 20 years and I figure out you betrayed our friendship, I will let you go! ✌?

18. TREAT YOU WELL BUT SHIT ON OTHERS FRIEND: I’ve a “friend” who seems to be caring and kind to me yet does some nasty deeds to other people we care about. At first, I defended her actions and felt maybe there is a good reason she treats others the way she does but as the years went on…I started thinking it’s a matter of time before she starts treating me like shit! So until I can figure out if she is friend or foe, I keep her at a distance.✌? I love a friend, like Willow, who has a great heart! Willow could be in Alaska and hear that one of my friends whom she doesn’t know well had a baby and Willow will send a care package for the parents and the baby! I’ve seen her do this for people who she didn’t care for but knew they meant a lot to me. Bless her heart!?

17. THE I DON’T WANT YOU TO GET AHEAD FRIEND: well we’ve all bumped into this asshole! The one who when you are looking for a job, offers to pass your resume on to someone she knows yet no one ever called nor emailed you in the 15 years you’ve known her! Yikes! She has a state or federal job and claims to be well connected but still can’t even get you one interview. This chick just keeps sending you to her company website and telling you to keep applying. Well let me just help you out! It’s been 15 years and she ain’t really trying to help. The jig is up! Her connections are just for HER…which would be fine if she didn’t pretend to help all of these years! ✌?

16. THE ALWAYS FORGOT HER WALLET FRIEND: Mama Michaels has some of the most broke down friends ever. These folks are in their 50s yet still going out to dinner and claiming to have forgotten their wallet when the bill comes! What the fuck?! It’s been 30 years of this chick celebrating Mama Michaels’ birthday yet my mama always has to pay for her own dinner (that her “friend” invited her out for), her friend’s dinner, and the drinks the bitch had…when y’all know my mama don’t drink! Whoa…I’m about to go left on this one! And so I digress for a second! Lol. Who does this as a grown woman?! The bill comes and folks are scattering like cockroaches! Jesus fix it! ✌?

15. THE FINANCE MY LIFESTYLE FRIEND: while we on Mama Michaels’ broke down friends let me give a shout out to them bitches who expect my mama to always have money to pay their bills and buy them things. Yes Mama Michaels is a professional and married woman. Her money from her career is for her, her husband, and her children. It’s not to buy some shoes from you that your ex boyfriend gave you and you now need to sell to be able to buy soap and deodorant for your nasty ass! Seriously! This shit really happens! My mom gets voicemails from “friends” who “desperately” need money because they choose not to work and expect her finance their rent, clothes, food etc. Where do they do that at?! I just can’t with these bitches!✌?

14. THE ALWAYS BORROW YET NEVER PAY YOU BACK FRIEND: I hate to revisit Mama Michaels’ friends like a bad yeast infection returning but let’s be real! These tricks take the cake! People borrow and borrow money from my mother and spend decades not paying her back! One “friend” threw my mama’s occupation in her face when my mom said she did not have money to lend her this time. Does this trick even have a job besides laying on her back?! Yes even if you are in your 50s…there are old hoes! Never want to work, always on their back, and sticking their hand out for money from others and then getting pissed if my mama can’t help them! I seriously wish I could fire 99% of my mother’s friends! Why she puts up with them…I will never understand! I think she likes to see the good in people no matter how many times they harm her! Thank goodness I have my father’s heart and mind! Papa Michaels definitely don’t play that with his friends! ✌?

13. THE PUT YOUR BUSINESS ON THE STREET FRIEND: ugh we all know this person! Quick to contact you when they know you have had a hard day and then spread your hardships to the entire neighborhood. I had a childhood friend like that. She was like a sister to me. However, once I got older and found out she put some of my mother’s personal business out in the street…the bitch had to go! I don’t care how long we been down…you hurt my family….you hurt me! ✌?

12. THE NEGATIVE FRIEND: some people never have a positive thing to say. Sometimes it’s not their fault. They could be suffering from depression. However, we all know somebody who is in their damn right mind that thrives off of negativity! When you are trying to regain your life after a breakup or job loss, she is nicely encouraging you to stay down so she can feel good about herself. This type of fake friend is hard to spot. At first, they seem generally concerned but their actions say they love it when you are down. Once you are doing well, they never pick up your phone calls! Don’t worry they will be back once they bump into your gossipy friend at the supermarket and find out you are getting a divorce! A negative friend never stays too far. After all, they are like blood suckers who feed off of negativity!✌?

11. THE LOW SELF ESTEEM FRIEND: once again this is a tricky one because sometimes people are suffering from depression. Still be careful here! If a person has no love for themselves, how much love can they have for you? Self love is often a reflection of the amount of love they can give others. Someone who is drowning has the ability to pull you down with them. Sometimes you just have to swim off by yourself.✌?

10. THE ATTENTION WHORE FRIEND: Faith and I had a childhood friend that was unbelievably selfish. We knocked heads many times. I’m short tempered and she’s selfish. It wasn’t a good recipe for a friendship. Faith is the main reason why I stayed friends with this person so long. She was our peace maker. However, when Faith had her aneurysm, my friendship with this selfish woman could no longer continue. I got tired of her calling me at least 15 times a day. If I broke a leg and she broke a nail, we spent five seconds on my broken leg and hours on her nail. In time of disaster, hurt, or need I could never count on this person yet she wouldn’t hesitate to call me at 3am with her latest manicure issues! It took me over 16 years but I finally ended that friendship. I had a lot of love for her but in my lowest moments in life…she left me to drown when I had spent 16 years throwing her a life jacket. That shit hurts but all I could do was just move on! ✌?

9. THE SHE WILL SLEEP WITH YOUR MAN FRIEND: Willow had a dear friend from college come and visit her in NYC. She allowed this close friend to come stay with her and her boyfriend only to find this chick coming out the shower buck naked and making a play for her man! Willow showed her the door and they never spoke again! The nerve! ✌?

8. THE SHE AIN’T GOT NO MAN AND DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE ONE EITHER FRIEND: let’s have a moment of silent prayer for this one! You ready? Because I’m going in! Mama Michaels roll with these no men having laying down with somebody else’s husband but never have a quarter to buy bubble gum chicks! Papa Michaels ain’t perfect but he is there for my mother and has done a damn good job raising us kids. Some of her friends don’t even know who they baby daddy is but got the nerve to throw salt on my father! I keep telling my mother to roll with other married women! These single desperate friends got her looking crazy. Misery loves company! They don’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of but got the nerve to look down on my parents’ relationship. Granted Mama Michaels does have to take responsibility for the company she keeps and the information she gives them. Does anyone else think it’s crazy this stuff happens even in your 50s?! Wtf?! ✌?

7. THE ALWAYS GIVING BAD ADVICE THAT SHE WOULDN’T EVEN TAKE FRIEND: while we are on the subject, sometimes you have a friend that’s in a terrible relationship but always gives you advice about yours yet her back yard is so dirty. She is telling you to leave your man because he forgot to get you a gift for your birthday yet she’s been with hers for over ten years and he’s never bought her spit! This type of friend will tell you your man is so disrespectful when she just got off the phone with mistress number five for her man! She laid up with her biggest problem but got the nerve to be all up in your business! Yea…she definitely got to go! This friend means you no good!✌?

6. THE CRAB MENTALITY FRIEND: okay! We have all befriended a person that they expect only good things to happen to them and not you! I had a friend that had to get married and have children first before our entire friend group. She had to have the biggest house and the biggest wedding ring and she let it be known that no one in the group shall surpass her. Of course this was all said in jest. However, there is almost always some truth in things that are said in a joking manner. If you ever naturally get ahead, she will either pull you down or drop you as a friend! This chick has to be the smartest in her group….even if she ain’t!✌?

5. YOUR PARTY ONLY FRIEND: I don’t know about you but I’m getting too old to have friends that are only good for partying with. If I can’t actually have a conversation with you about life, you gots to go! This isn’t high school! We are in the adult school of life! I need loyal, trustworthy, and kind friends to share my journey with it.✌?

4. YOUR PATHOLOGICAL LIAR FRIEND: I’ve a friend that lies so much that I’m not sure if she lied about being a woman when she’s really a man! The crazy thing is I can’t figure out if she is a con artist or has had some kind of mental breakdown years ago. I honestly believe she believes her lies. Truth is never going to be her thing. Only reason why I haven’t 100% dropped her is we’ve been friends for like a decade and a half and if she is really suffering from some sort of a personality disorder, I want to be there for her so I can encourage her to get help. If she’s a con artist, however, she will be tossed out like them old clothes you throwing out. Into the garbage she shall go because I ain’t got no time to have a con ran on me! Jesus fix it….✌?

3. THE ALWAYS ACCUSING YOU OF WANTING HER MAN FRIEND: ugh! I cringe writing this one. It’s hard to say this without offending others but let me keep it real. I had a low self esteem friend who I knew for 17 years. She always had a thing for 40 year old gang members with felonies. It’s painful to be accused of wanting any of your friends’ men but I found this to be particularly offensive! Of all the men in the world, why would I ever want this type of man? They beat her, lived off of her, cheated on her, and then left her for someone else! In all my life of having female friends, no other friend had ever accused me of such a thing! I just can’t with this chick! Woosa! ✌?

2. THE CRIME SPREE FRIEND: I’ve met at least two friends who were professionals but addicted to a life of crime. Deep down inside, I always want to believe that people can change and work on themselves. Most of the time this is true. However, sometimes you get a friend that’s trying to “Thelma and Louise” you! No ma’am, I’m not going down with you. This is the point where I get off this circus ride because I’ve got one life to live and orange jump suits just don’t suit me! So if you ever befriend a female Bernie Madoff, RUN! ✌?

1. THE NOT EQUALLY YOKED FRIEND: I’ve always heard in relationships that one must be equally yoked to their spouse. Mama Michaels, despite her refusal to get rid of her trifling friends, recently opened my eyes to the fact that this theory applies to friendships as well. I’ve at least one friend that is an atheist. Now let me be clear here. I’ve known many atheists growing up. For many of them, atheism was passed down to them like Christianity was passed down to me. They may not be religious but they are open to spirituality and they never question my beliefs. The current atheist friend I’m referring to is NOT open to other people’s faith and directly rebukes the existence of any spiritual being. Mama Michaels feels that if someone believes in nothing and I believe in God and Jesus, there is only so far that the friendships can go. I’ve friends of many faiths and while there are some differences, our respect for each others’ beliefs and deep seeded spirituality are never questioned. For Mama Michaels, being equally yoked in friendship means respecting and being open to each other’s spiritual journey. She believes that one with no spiritual journey is lost and can never really find their way into the circle of trust of one on a spiritual journey. Mama Michaels isn’t saying that the Christian is better than the atheist…what she is saying is they are not equally yoked. This person should always be kept at a distance! Deep… Unfortunately, as the years go on, I’m beginning to understand what she meant. ✌?~KJM saying “show me your friends and I will tell you who you are” on Hump Day! Food for thought….Happy Spring cleaning!

These are true events as I know it. As you read this, keep in mind I can’t make this shit up if I tried! I lived it and I’m still in disbelief it all happened. Below is the story of Jonathan aka The Great Apologizer, the first guy to ever cheat on me. After my first year at Penn State, Julio and I broke up. He was my first love but it just wasn’t working so after over 3 years of seriously dating…we went our separate ways (for now). The summer of my 19th birthday, I decided to finally give Jonathan a chance to date me. I met Jonathan my freshman year of high school. He was the best friend of my childhood best friend’s, Faith, boyfriend Carl. Wow that’s a lot to swallow! Recap: I have known Faith for 30 years. We met in kindergarten and are still friends to this day! She instantly fell in love with Carl at a barbecue our Freshman year of high school. Jonathan was Carl’s best friend and about two years older than Faith and I. Are you following now? Good! When Jonathan first approached me, I had never dated anyone before. 1995 was the year I wasn’t into light skinned guys so I told Jonathan to beat it but he always kept in touch since our best friends were dating. Don’t worry, I went on to date all types of men no matter their complexion but you have to admit….what’s sweeter than dark chocolate?! Not a damn thing! Yum. Lol. But I digress. Once Julio and I broke up, Jonathan didn’t waste any time asking me out…and I finally accepted. It was a world wind romance. His personality was more easy going and like-able than Julio’s so I brought Jonathan to all family and friend events in summer 2000. Everyone loved him! I wasn’t in love but he was such a great and attentive boyfriend (and the only guy I’ve ever spent my birthday with) that I felt like love could come in a couple of years. After all, I was never quick to give my heart. In the midst of our summer, Jonathan had to go to Cuba for 2 weeks on some save the world mission! Don’t ask me the details of how the hell he was getting into Cuba at that time but I don’t think the group he was going with were directly traveling from the US. I didn’t want him to go! Jonathan was so good to me. He took me on the best dates, cooked for me, and pampered the hell out of me in a way Julio never did and never would. But my man had a mission to help bring peace to the world and so I had to support it. When he was leaving, I gave him a picture of me and one of my thongs for him to get through those two weeks without me easily. Little did I know, he would have no problem living out his days in Cuba…filled with passion. To help the time pass quickly while Jonathan was away, my aunt, Jennifer, asked me to drive to Atlantic City with her to pick up tickets for a trip she won. I didn’t think much of her request since at that time, she was the aunt I was the closest to. Once in Atlantic City, we had to wait a few hours to pick up my aunt’s plane tickets so she suggested we go on the boardwalk and hang out. Let me preface this by saying, I had heard rumors in my family that my aunt Jennifer believed in black magic but in the Michaels house, we had always been a God fearing family and I figured since my mother was Jennifer’s older sister, there had to be some mixup in what her faith was. Aunt Jennifer suggested we go into this mother/daughter fortune telling shop. I was hesitant and told her my faith tells me not to believe in such things. Aunt Jennifer told me it was for entertainment purposes only and since I couldn’t gamble, it was a fun way to pass the time. Me being 19, naive, and trusting of my aunt, decided to go in and get a reading with her. I pray God has forgiven me because what happened next I could never have foreseen. The daughter fortune teller took me in one room and the mother took my aunt in another. I was nervous but was careful never to give any information to the daughter. She predicted my future occupation (which she was right to an extent), what my weakness in life was, and told me some things about my family. Still in my mind, I felt this is just entertainment so maybe she just got lucky with the things she said. Here’s where things got creepy: the daughter fortune teller told me I was dating a guy who was currently on an island….only he was on the island with his ex girlfriend and was cheating on me! She gave me his initial (J) and the ex girlfriend’s (W). She told me our relationship would never work out because J would spend his life chasing W. Also, she told me that W was not my same race. Chills went up and down my spine but I still reminded myself that this had to be all coincidental! After all, Jonathan was in Cuba saving the world! Before the daughter fortune teller could finish my reading, I heard my aunt Jennifer cursing out the mother fortune teller and could hear my aunt flipping the table over in the next room! Needless to say we left in a hurry and my aunt never did explain what happened in her reading to get her so angry. I put all I had heard behind me and life went on. Two weeks later when Jonathan came back from Cuba, he didn’t call me. Instead he went to the movies with Faith and Carl his first night back. After a few calls and beeps (yea beepers were in back then!), Jonathan returned my call and I only saw him once again that summer. Something was off and he was distant. He stopped returning my calls and beeps and then I went back to Penn State for my sophomore year. I beeped him once at Penn State with one of my friends from DC’s number. He called back and when he found out it was me, he apologized for how our relationship ended but would not tell me why such a happy couple got so distant so quickly. I would not see nor hear from Jonathan again until the following summer when Faith had an aneurysm that nearly killed her! Summer 2001, while we took turns car pooling to visit Faith in the ICU at a hospital in NYC, Jonathan tried to win me back. From that point on, I friend zoned him and continued with my life. Tragedy made it so we had to work together but that didn’t mean I had to date such a shady person again! One day I was on the bus and I ran into one of Jonathan’s neighbors, Stacey. Stacey knew some of my cousins and went to high school with Jonathan. She told me their whole block was sad when Jonathan and I broke up and that she hoped he wasn’t still chasing “that dusty white girl, Wanita!” Once again, chills went up and down my spine but still I felt it all had to be a terrible coincidence! This all seemed ludicrous to me! I don’t believe in fortune tellers! So I moved on with my life as Jonathan stayed close over the years. From 2001-2010, Jonathan would call or text to tell me he loved me and wanted to make things work. I had permanently friend zoned him. On my second year in my graduate program, Jonathan called me and we stayed up all night talking about Faith and Carl. Faith never fully recovered and Carl couldn’t take it so he went into the military and moved away. Faith is paralyzed on one side of her body, can barely talk, and was never able to walk on her own again. It broke all our hearts. That’s what kept me in touch with Jonathan. He lived in the same town as Faith, so he could always go check on her while I was moving from state to state for school or work. That night we stayed up and talked about so much. Of course, Jonathan professed his love for me and I ignored him. Then something creepy happened: Jonathan told me that a year before Faith’s accident, her and Carl went to a fortune teller who told them a terrible accident would forever separate them! Jonathan claimed he did not believe in such things and the fortune teller was bogus. Suddenly all my memories of my reading from summer 2000 came back to me. The next morning I called Jonathan up and confronted him about what the fortune teller told me years ago. He confirmed all of it except he claimed he did not chase Wanita! I didn’t know what was worse….the fact Jonathan did cheat on me or the fact that 8 years later it was Jonathan’s word against the fortune teller and the dumb Motherfucker was too stupid to lie at this point! Come on now…it was his word against the fortune tellers! I would have lied and never admitted to the affair in order to preserve my current friendship with the person I claimed I loved! Maybe that’s just me! I was floored but still gave Jonathan the benefit of the doubt when it came to our friendship! We had not dated in over 9 years so how could I hold his transgressions against him in our friendship? Had I still been dating him….that would have been another story! This dude was stuck on stupid and nothing could help him. Embarrassed, Jonathan once again stopped picking up my phone calls even after I told him I forgave him for mistakes he made as a young adult. I finally gave up on the friendship and continued with my life. Of course, he continued to call or text once a year to tell me he loved me until, in 2010, I text him back to say he should lose my number and to “cease and desist” from ever contacting me again! The fucking nerve of him! 2010 was the last time I heard from the Great Apologizer! Can you believe the fortune teller told me that he cheated….and he admitted it?! What a way to get caught! Guess it’s true what they say…what’s done in the dark always comes into light…eventually! Wtf?! ~KJM laughing so hard on Temptation Tuesday! There’s one born every minute…a fool that is!

It’s funny how one simple act can trigger a course of events. With all that I had been through with Elijah in the last 7 months, he definitely was not the worst relationship I’ve been in. But because of the timing of when we met (I was in the process of permanently leaving the ex factor), my honesty about my current situation and all I had been through in the last 5 years, and his age (he was the oldest man I’ve ever dated), my goals for our relationship was high. I believe in love at first sight and in 95% of my relationships, I never fell in love at all…no matter how long we dated. My heart is not nor has ever been easily given. Elijah and I were definitely NOT love at first sight. It took me over three months to start to have feelings for him. In those beginning three months, I was numb…somewhere else mentally and it didn’t help that the ex factor continued to keep in touch. But then the new year came in and I started to realize that it’s not fair to have Elijah there and not at least try to reciprocate some of his feelings. And things grew from there. It wasn’t easy but I started to feel. Our power struggle grew as my feelings did. Elijah is very old skool and traditional while I’m an independent feminist! We were probably doomed from the start. It may sound silly but the thing I loved about him the most…his work ethic…eventually killed us. He didn’t meet me out in the rain Friday night because of work and his image. Work always came before me but Elijah would always justify it by saying he has to prove that he can take care of himself in order for him to provide for me in the future. And I respected that. However, I want a man that can back away from his business and is willing to get soaked in the rain with his woman. I don’t know if husbands get soaked in the rain with their wives but I need mine to. I had never accepted a proposal before because I never felt each man would meet me out in the rain….the rain of life. There I was willing to get soaked (even my hair) with no makeup on to meet my love. What Elijah didn’t know was I traveled all the way to the city in almost nothing under my trench coat. My man works hard and so do I but even with a huge storm around me and me being exhausted, I was willing to get soaked for him. Out of everyone I’ve ever dated, I was true to Elijah! I was even willing to start learning how to make some of his favorite drinks and some small meals (unbeknownst to him). He will never know nor understand the depths I traveled even before that faithful night in the city. I travel a lot and love to travel solo which has been an issue in every relationship I’ve been in and even though I’ve at least 3 more solo trips already lined up for the year….I was thinking of including him in my need to travel and be me! I was trying to meet him half way and share my world. Even when we hit a low point and I was tempted to do something stupid, I was brutally honest with him. I really thought we could make it but we are just too alike in some ways and too different in others. I don’t think neither he nor I thought I would spend almost 2 hours traveling just to turn back around but I did! That’s how I knew that I could continue to trust myself to look out for me at all times. I took all the love I had to give and I headed back home. I’m worth getting soaked in the rain with! My love is just that good. Though I can’t help but wonder….Is it silly to leave him because he wouldn’t meet me out in the rain? I took it as a sign of what our future would look like. And do husbands get soaked in the rain with their wives? Or am I just dreaming?~KJM filled with thoughts on a late night Sunday. 

Every now and then I try to write something for my young and inexperienced readers! This morning, for some odd reason, I woke up missing my unused pocketbook also known as my virginity. It’s weird to suddenly yearn for something that I lost 4 months shy of my 19th birthday as I’m now 34! But just like nightmares….memories of your virginity can haunt you. The thing is I’m not sure if it’s my virginity I really miss or when I think of my list of partners (which is quite short for someone my age) I cringe! Reflecting on my past lovers/boyfriends…I think there is only one I would claim (my college sweetheart…the football player). The rest remind me of used tampons I threw away long ago….short, messy, and forgettable unless I accidentally forgot to take it out of me (which has never happened).?? It’s weird to have such a feeling of regret when I lost it the best way I could. I was an adult, no longer living in my parents’ house, now in college, and did it with a boyfriend I had had for almost 4 years…who waited with me and loved me. Julio and I were…at one time…in love. Now I just want to throw up when I think of him. Maybe I could have done better?! Maybe not?! Lol. To my young readers, I recommend waiting until you are in love and that person is also in love with you. I also recommend waiting (for guys and girls) until you are old enough to vote (18 years old) so you can openly and legally be responsible for your sexual health. Still as I write this I’m wondering what would life be like now if I still had my virginity?! I damn sure wouldn’t be able to write this blog! This blog is about my life long mistakes disguised in life lessons! I couldn’t walk with you in your darkest moments unless I’ve been there or even traveled farther! Willow is always telling me that she regrets nothing because all of the mess and disasters made her appreciate her life now! Willow is so wise! Maybe it’s because I’m still in the midst of the storm that I feel the regrets deep deep deep down inside. Like I feel it! I feel like I disappointed myself along the way but I tried! Lawd knows I tried! I had ways out of the storm but I willingly decided to stand in the storm…to let my hair get messy in the wind…to have my clothes be torn by all the tornadoes…and to watch everything around me collapse into dust. I was a willing participant in all that you have come to read about! I AM KINGSTON JAEL MICHAELS because of all the pain, heartbreaks, and disappointments! My pocketbook is full of so much shit but would you love me any less if it wasn’t?! If not, then why should I feel changed? I should stand tall and be glad that I can withstand the storms….~KJM on Charm School Monday!

The thing that pisses me off about the Lizards of the world is that at first glance they look like beautiful creatures breathing hope into us unsuspecting prey! Most of the time, we would be better off if they just never entered our lives. If they can’t be truthful, they should just go mate with other Lizards! If you have read my blog “The Case of The Lizard (The Habitual Liar Edition)” and you still think lizards are harmless, check out what Wiki had to say on the topic: “Most lizard species are harmless to humans. Only the largest lizard species, the Komodo dragon, which reaches 3.3 m (11 ft) in length and weighs up to 166 kg (365 lb), has been known to stalk, attack, and, on occasion, kill humans.” (From Wikipedia). So you see even the most harmless creatures can evolve and suck the life out of you! ~KJM on Flashback Friday. 

Out of all my friends, Willow is the true champion of love. I met her in 1999 at the great Pennsylvania State University (WE ARE!). From the moment I laid eyes on her, I knew Willow was one of a kind and we would be life long friends. Stunning with a big heart, there isn’t a man alive that didn’t fall for her. Unfortunately, Willow’s big heart and trusting eyes would lead her down the road of broken hearts until she married her one true love! Let’s go down memory lane with Willow. Here’s just one chapter in her amazing story: THE LIZARD aka THE HABITUAL LIAR! For many years, I would always blame myself for the Lizard. If it hadn’t been for me…Willow would have never met him. After ending a long term relationship (he’s another chapter for another time) and relocating from Florida (Willow’s most hated state) back to her home, the DC metro, I decided it was a bright idea to take Willow clubbing to celebrate her new found independence. Partying has always been one of two ways I celebrate a broken heart. I’m all about getting your “freak’um” dress on and saying fuck’um. Lol. I was having issues with a guy I was seeing so it seemed perfect to have a sexy girls night out. Willow, my childhood friend Tempest, and myself headed to the club H20. As the best of hip hop and reggae carried us away on the dance floor, I looked to see some tall and handsome dude whispering in Willow’s ear. I thought it was some harmless flirting so I supported her getting back into the game. Never did I think years later we would be calling him the Lizard! ? Before I knew it, he was following her all over the club and soon would be following her in life. Now follow me if you dare because here is where it gets messy! Within two weeks, the Lizard told Willow he loved her and wanted to be with her. Willow, the champion of love that she is, decided to step out on faith and give love a try again despite her recent broken heart. I have to admit, I thought she was out of her last damn mind! But now when I look back at her dating life, I admire Willow. I never believed in love so deeply that I thought it was worth the risk every time. Instead I played it safe and loved from afar my entire life. This is why Willow finally found the love of her life! With every heartbreak she knew she was one step closer to a true and everlasting love….while I was taking ten steps back! Ugh! But I digress! Back to Willow and the Lizard. Something about the Lizard rubbed me wrong right away. He would tell Willow these far fetched stories that just didn’t add up. Like he had an evil twin his family never told him about. To top things off, he claimed he didn’t know his real age (which I think was actually 40 although he didn’t look a day over 30). If your mouth has dropped open…close it because I haven’t hit you with his best story yet! The Lizard told Willow that he was in the military and on some special forces team that allowed him to do WEEK long tours in Iraq and Afghanistan! He would say, “Willow, watch the news tonight and look for me on tv!” I mean what the fuck?! Who is in Iraq for a week or weekend?! Willow suspected something was off with the Lizard but because she lived almost two hours away from him and her heart taught her to trust the one she loves until she had reason not to, Willow put her faith in the Lizard. God bless her heart! As time went on, their relationship had its ups and downs. One Saturday, me and my dude were arguing so I grabbed Tempest and we headed to H20! I know! I know! I’m childish! Lol. Still am. Before heading out I called Willow and told her my situation. Then something strange happened. Willow said, “I wish I was there to support you and go party with you! It’s going to be okay!” Then she laughed and said “Say hi to the Lizard for me!” I found that comment to be odd but didn’t question it. Not even fifteen minutes of being at H20, Tempest who had only met the Lizard once, recognized him dancing up on some chick in the club! Yo that Tempest missed her calling! She could have been a FBI agent with how great her memory was!?? If you get nothing else from this blog…please write this down. DON’T THINK you saw someone’s man out…BE SURE! Willow’s been my girl since forever so I had to be sure it was the Lizard! I walked over to him and purposely called him another name. He did in fact confirm his real name! The Lizard did not recognize myself nor Tempest! Granted, we had met him months ago in a dark club so it made sense he had no clue who we were. Oh did I mention that on this particular weekend the Lizard told Willow he would be in North Carolina doing some military training?! I can’t with him… Next I text Willow right then and there! She was heartbroken but not surprised as her woman’s intuition told her something was off with the Lizard! Something else to get from this blog…a woman’s intuition is the strongest thing she has. If your intuition says “Mary, you in danger girl!” Guess what?! You are in trouble! From there things got messier! Willow broke up with the Lizard but then eventually got back with him. Willow being the champion of love that she is…decided she loved the Lizard enough to forgive him. Willow being the smart business woman she is…decided against forgetting! A few months later, Willow broke the code on the Lizard’s phone only to find out he had FOUR other girlfriends! She called each one to get their stories and warn them of the man they had all fallen in love with. The last one cleared everything up for Willow. She told Willow she met the Lizard at the Post Office, where they both currently work!!!!?? Turns out, the Lizard had been in the military ten years prior to meeting Willow but had been working as a United States Postal Worker for the last couple years! There were no WEEKEND tours in Iraq nor Afghanistan! His evil twin brother was probably a second personality of his, he had like five or six children by different women, and I think he still lived at home with his mama or some other family member! What the fuck?! This man was in his 40s and about the only honest information he had ever shared with any of the women was his name! Lawd a mercy! We have all been lied to and hurt by someone we love. The point of this chapter in Willow’s life is to remind us all to trust our gut, never give up on love, and with true self love, no man can break you! I use to think Willow was gullible and a bit naive but then I saw the light! She was the best girlfriend in every relationship and when the men messed up, she could forever walk away knowing that her one true love was AHEAD of her…NOT BEHIND HER! So many times I revisited unhealthy relationships because when the guy was playing me, I was playing him too. Had I fully given my heart, allowed my heart to be open, and allowed things to be truly over when they were meant to be…I may be with my one true love now! DEEP! ~KJM telling Willow’s story chapter by chapter on Flashback Friday! Willow, I hope I did this chapter justice! 

This week I’ve caused quite an uproar with writing the blogs “Dear Girlfriend (The Fall of Phoenix)” and “The Aftermath of Dear Girlfriend!” The long term girlfriends around the world got their guns cocked and pointed in my direction! Lol. Whether you agree or disagree with my stance, I appreciate the exposure! Being a blogger isn’t an easy life and this was my first time being thrown into the lion’s den! I’m ready though and not backing down!?? Now to the real issue at hand with these series of blogs: the long term girlfriend is now the new side piece! Before I get into my countdown, I want to say that I’ve been in this position before. I’m speaking from a messy place I’ve once lived and passing on the painful lessons I’ve learned along the way. You can take it or leave it. My only goal here is to give you food for thought! Disclaimer: If you and your partner do not believe in marriage then this blog isn’t for you. It’s really for all them laying on their backs, constantly on their knees but never getting a thank you, waiting for a man to realize their worth long term girlfriends! Ok let’s get it! Here are 7 reasons why the long term girlfriend is now the new side piece: 7. HE NEVER MENTIONS A FUTURE WITH YOU! If you are 25 or older and have been seriously dating a man for 5 years or more yet he has never mentioned you in any of his future plans….you are the side piece! That man is keeping his options open until something better comes along! 6. WHEN HE CHEATS IT’S THE OTHER WOMAN YOU ARE MAD AT! My mother, Mama Michaels, always says never call another woman about a man that is NOT YOUR HUSBAND! It’s seriously a joke. With no one married to him, how do you know who is the side piece and who is the real girlfriend? Better yet why are you even focusing on the title girlfriend? You are a side piece! 5. THE ONLY REAL RELATIONSHIP STATUSES THAT THE IRS RECOGNIZES ARE SINGLE (AS IN NOT MARRIED), MARRIED, and DIVORCED! Uncle Sam aka the Internal Revenue Services does not have a box for girlfriends. If you want the government to recognize your relationship, you better aim for marriage! They sure give tax breaks for that! Especially now that everyone has the right to marry (gay and straight), “If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it” is about to be the new tax law anthem! Don’t expect a refund for having a boyfriend! Just go ahead and check that single status box while you pray for God’s blessings! No time to be delusional! You are a side piece! 4. YOU PAY HALF HIS MORTGAGE BUT YOUR NAME AIN’T ON SHIT! If he bought a house while you guys were dating or he owned one before and you two are now living together….guess who has no legal rights to that property?! That’s right! YOU! Financially you are contributing, yet you will never see the fruit of your labor! Girl, run! If you were a wife, this would be a different story. This long term girlfriend thing is really messing with your money! Sigh…need I remind you again that you are a side piece?! 3. YOU ARE HIS BABY MAMA! As the mother of his child, you are entitled to child support for that child. That man is not indebted to you for shit. Courts recognize your child, not that you are his long term girlfriend. No one cares if he is good to you. The focus is really on your child. Some of y’all baby mamas don’t get that and use the child against the man long after he kicks your ass to the curb! You are the side piece! No spousal support for that! 2. HIS MAMA, FRIENDS, AND ASSOCIATES REFER TO YOU AS MS. SO AND SO! Girl, I don’t know why you are mad?! That is your name right? MS. not MRS?! Truth hurts boo. Even if everyone in his circle knows who you are…it doesn’t mean that you are being held out to be anything but a long term side piece! If he is introducing you to his pastor as MS. for the last 10 years…forget it! Every time you walk away, pastor laying hands on him and praying that he find himself a good woman that he can make a wife! Lawd a mercy…you a side piece even in the eyes of GOD! ? 1. YOU HAVE BEEN “ENGAGED” FOR TWO YEARS OR MORE WITH NO WEDDING DATE SET! Now this one is a tricky one. I’m guessing you been whining the last 10 years so he finally purchased a ring for you and asked you to marry him….but that was 5 years ago and that ring is now turning green on your finger! You are still the glorified side piece! If he truly wanted to make that commitment, he would have! ~KJM on Flashback Friday! Disclaimer: this blog is for entertainment purposes only and no true legal advice was given. If you have questions about common law marriage, tax laws, or property laws in your state, seek counsel there. Best wishes on all of your journeys!

Yesterday I wrote a blog called “Dear Girlfriend (The Fall of Phoenix)” and it caused quite an uproar between me and my siblings. Junior, our local moral police, said the blame is on both parties for where their 15 year relationship has ended up. My response to that is I cannot tell a man how to be a man/husband. My message was for the girlfriend…woman to woman because no matter what a man feeds you…women control the status of the relationship. Even if Phoenix is leading her on so that he can be an active live in dad, at some point in the last decade or so, the girlfriend continued to believe these promises/lies (if they were made to begin with). I can understand her position because I use to be her…those 5 years and 3 months (on and off) that I stayed with the ex factor. At some point, deep down inside my core (about 3.5 months in to be honest), I knew that “situationship” was never going anywhere but I CHOSE to stay with him or go back to him. No one can steal almost 2 decades of your life (with exception of slavery) without you at some point giving them permission to. Like I said, I use to be her. I’m still pissed about the 5 years and 3 months of wasted time but I take responsibility for it. The Ex Factor could only take what I willingly gave. So my letter was for the woman because I am a woman. I can only address what I can identify with and understand. Brenda’s position was that she never wants to be a mistress because it’s not a feeling she’s comfortable with. Clearly my moral compass is different than my siblings. Let me be crystal clear on something…I don’t mess with people’s marriages. Women have taken my men and I’ve sometimes willingly or accidentally taken theirs. Boyfriend and girlfriend shit is just that…SHIT. Show me somewhere in the law books or in the Bible where it says respect a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?! I’m not saying I was in the right but if you all remember correctly…I wrote “Dear Girlfriend” before actually committing the affair. I’m not always living right (but who is?). I gave the girlfriend some warning shots/advice. If you want your union to be respected then you need to come up with something better than girlfriend/baby mama. Aim high! As for anyone judging my past mistakes or my current stance, I practice what I preach. I’ve had women cheat with my man and guess what…I was angry with HIM! A woman who doesn’t know me, doesn’t owe me shit. She gonna get hers. And I can’t blame her since I was settling for girlfriend and not aiming for WIFE.?? My position is not about who is right or wrong. In the midst of an awakening, you will encounter the righteous and the unrighteous. You must choose your position. I just drop knowledge that comes from my truth. My naked truth! That’s what blogging is about. Every story I share, I get buck naked in front of you. After all, I am human which by definition means that I am a sinner. Our awakenings will never be cut and dry. It’s a journey where we are alert to the good and evil in our truths. I do not blog in black and white. I stay in the gray. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying I really appreciate my siblings, Junior and Brenda, for expressing their truths?