It’s Spring cleaning and here at “Kingston Expressions” we do not like to leave any stone unturned. Some of y’all are currently throwing out anything from old clothes to cheating boyfriends but I encourage you to look deeper and evaluate your friendship circle. Mama Michaels has the most old skool ghetto trash friends! In the over three decades on this earth that I’ve known my mom, she never could turn a lost nor evil soul away. I, on the other hand, treat friendships like Papa Michaels. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. is the foundation of all my friendships and if it isn’t there, I don’t care how many years we have been down…YOU GOT TO GO! Luckily, I’ve been very blessed in friendship. Most of my friendships are 30, 20, or at least 15 years old! What can I say? Bitches (excuse my language here lol) get good friends. To me friendship is higher than any romantic relationship but marriage. I’m not the worlds best girlfriend but if I’ve been your friend, you are loved and respected in a way most of my boyfriends have never been! Also, I’ve almost an equal amount of male and female friends. Contrary to popular belief, a strong woman loves to have strong women friends! My friends are diverse, loyal, hardworking, honest, and got my back. I’m forever grateful for the love they give me. Special shout out to all my Penn State friends! Met most of y’all in 1999 and no matter where you all live in the US, I’ve a home and true friendship in you! WE ARE! PENN STATE! Now to get to the meat of this blog. If you find that you have a friend that exhibits two or more of these traits on this list…it might be time to reevaluate that friendship. Here are the many so called friends myself, Willow, and Mama Michaels have known in life. The Bitches Got To Go List:
20. NO NEW FRIENDS: Drake warned about “no new friends” and he wasn’t lying. Everyone defines a new friend in different ways but for me, a new friend is anyone I’ve been friends with for less than 10 years! Until we cross that 10 year mark, I always keep my eyes on how the friendship is growing. However, there were a few cockroaches (um I mean so called friends) that manage to hide their dirty deeds until after the 10 year mark and even then they had to go. The thing to learn here is like any relationship, trust has to be earned. Generally, you can only learn that over time! ✌?
19. THE WE BEEN DOWN FOREVER FOLKS: But have we? Down for me means you have had my back openly and honestly throughout the friendship. Just like a cheating and lying boyfriend, I don’t care how much space you take up in my life. Time means nothing to me if you were hiding your true self. Even if we were friends for 20 years and I figure out you betrayed our friendship, I will let you go! ✌?
18. TREAT YOU WELL BUT SHIT ON OTHERS FRIEND: I’ve a “friend” who seems to be caring and kind to me yet does some nasty deeds to other people we care about. At first, I defended her actions and felt maybe there is a good reason she treats others the way she does but as the years went on…I started thinking it’s a matter of time before she starts treating me like shit! So until I can figure out if she is friend or foe, I keep her at a distance.✌? I love a friend, like Willow, who has a great heart! Willow could be in Alaska and hear that one of my friends whom she doesn’t know well had a baby and Willow will send a care package for the parents and the baby! I’ve seen her do this for people who she didn’t care for but knew they meant a lot to me. Bless her heart!?
17. THE I DON’T WANT YOU TO GET AHEAD FRIEND: well we’ve all bumped into this asshole! The one who when you are looking for a job, offers to pass your resume on to someone she knows yet no one ever called nor emailed you in the 15 years you’ve known her! Yikes! She has a state or federal job and claims to be well connected but still can’t even get you one interview. This chick just keeps sending you to her company website and telling you to keep applying. Well let me just help you out! It’s been 15 years and she ain’t really trying to help. The jig is up! Her connections are just for HER…which would be fine if she didn’t pretend to help all of these years! ✌?
16. THE ALWAYS FORGOT HER WALLET FRIEND: Mama Michaels has some of the most broke down friends ever. These folks are in their 50s yet still going out to dinner and claiming to have forgotten their wallet when the bill comes! What the fuck?! It’s been 30 years of this chick celebrating Mama Michaels’ birthday yet my mama always has to pay for her own dinner (that her “friend” invited her out for), her friend’s dinner, and the drinks the bitch had…when y’all know my mama don’t drink! Whoa…I’m about to go left on this one! And so I digress for a second! Lol. Who does this as a grown woman?! The bill comes and folks are scattering like cockroaches! Jesus fix it! ✌?
15. THE FINANCE MY LIFESTYLE FRIEND: while we on Mama Michaels’ broke down friends let me give a shout out to them bitches who expect my mama to always have money to pay their bills and buy them things. Yes Mama Michaels is a professional and married woman. Her money from her career is for her, her husband, and her children. It’s not to buy some shoes from you that your ex boyfriend gave you and you now need to sell to be able to buy soap and deodorant for your nasty ass! Seriously! This shit really happens! My mom gets voicemails from “friends” who “desperately” need money because they choose not to work and expect her finance their rent, clothes, food etc. Where do they do that at?! I just can’t with these bitches!✌?
14. THE ALWAYS BORROW YET NEVER PAY YOU BACK FRIEND: I hate to revisit Mama Michaels’ friends like a bad yeast infection returning but let’s be real! These tricks take the cake! People borrow and borrow money from my mother and spend decades not paying her back! One “friend” threw my mama’s occupation in her face when my mom said she did not have money to lend her this time. Does this trick even have a job besides laying on her back?! Yes even if you are in your 50s…there are old hoes! Never want to work, always on their back, and sticking their hand out for money from others and then getting pissed if my mama can’t help them! I seriously wish I could fire 99% of my mother’s friends! Why she puts up with them…I will never understand! I think she likes to see the good in people no matter how many times they harm her! Thank goodness I have my father’s heart and mind! Papa Michaels definitely don’t play that with his friends! ✌?
13. THE PUT YOUR BUSINESS ON THE STREET FRIEND: ugh we all know this person! Quick to contact you when they know you have had a hard day and then spread your hardships to the entire neighborhood. I had a childhood friend like that. She was like a sister to me. However, once I got older and found out she put some of my mother’s personal business out in the street…the bitch had to go! I don’t care how long we been down…you hurt my family….you hurt me! ✌?
12. THE NEGATIVE FRIEND: some people never have a positive thing to say. Sometimes it’s not their fault. They could be suffering from depression. However, we all know somebody who is in their damn right mind that thrives off of negativity! When you are trying to regain your life after a breakup or job loss, she is nicely encouraging you to stay down so she can feel good about herself. This type of fake friend is hard to spot. At first, they seem generally concerned but their actions say they love it when you are down. Once you are doing well, they never pick up your phone calls! Don’t worry they will be back once they bump into your gossipy friend at the supermarket and find out you are getting a divorce! A negative friend never stays too far. After all, they are like blood suckers who feed off of negativity!✌?
11. THE LOW SELF ESTEEM FRIEND: once again this is a tricky one because sometimes people are suffering from depression. Still be careful here! If a person has no love for themselves, how much love can they have for you? Self love is often a reflection of the amount of love they can give others. Someone who is drowning has the ability to pull you down with them. Sometimes you just have to swim off by yourself.✌?
10. THE ATTENTION WHORE FRIEND: Faith and I had a childhood friend that was unbelievably selfish. We knocked heads many times. I’m short tempered and she’s selfish. It wasn’t a good recipe for a friendship. Faith is the main reason why I stayed friends with this person so long. She was our peace maker. However, when Faith had her aneurysm, my friendship with this selfish woman could no longer continue. I got tired of her calling me at least 15 times a day. If I broke a leg and she broke a nail, we spent five seconds on my broken leg and hours on her nail. In time of disaster, hurt, or need I could never count on this person yet she wouldn’t hesitate to call me at 3am with her latest manicure issues! It took me over 16 years but I finally ended that friendship. I had a lot of love for her but in my lowest moments in life…she left me to drown when I had spent 16 years throwing her a life jacket. That shit hurts but all I could do was just move on! ✌?
9. THE SHE WILL SLEEP WITH YOUR MAN FRIEND: Willow had a dear friend from college come and visit her in NYC. She allowed this close friend to come stay with her and her boyfriend only to find this chick coming out the shower buck naked and making a play for her man! Willow showed her the door and they never spoke again! The nerve! ✌?
8. THE SHE AIN’T GOT NO MAN AND DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE ONE EITHER FRIEND: let’s have a moment of silent prayer for this one! You ready? Because I’m going in! Mama Michaels roll with these no men having laying down with somebody else’s husband but never have a quarter to buy bubble gum chicks! Papa Michaels ain’t perfect but he is there for my mother and has done a damn good job raising us kids. Some of her friends don’t even know who they baby daddy is but got the nerve to throw salt on my father! I keep telling my mother to roll with other married women! These single desperate friends got her looking crazy. Misery loves company! They don’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of but got the nerve to look down on my parents’ relationship. Granted Mama Michaels does have to take responsibility for the company she keeps and the information she gives them. Does anyone else think it’s crazy this stuff happens even in your 50s?! Wtf?! ✌?
7. THE ALWAYS GIVING BAD ADVICE THAT SHE WOULDN’T EVEN TAKE FRIEND: while we are on the subject, sometimes you have a friend that’s in a terrible relationship but always gives you advice about yours yet her back yard is so dirty. She is telling you to leave your man because he forgot to get you a gift for your birthday yet she’s been with hers for over ten years and he’s never bought her spit! This type of friend will tell you your man is so disrespectful when she just got off the phone with mistress number five for her man! She laid up with her biggest problem but got the nerve to be all up in your business! Yea…she definitely got to go! This friend means you no good!✌?
6. THE CRAB MENTALITY FRIEND: okay! We have all befriended a person that they expect only good things to happen to them and not you! I had a friend that had to get married and have children first before our entire friend group. She had to have the biggest house and the biggest wedding ring and she let it be known that no one in the group shall surpass her. Of course this was all said in jest. However, there is almost always some truth in things that are said in a joking manner. If you ever naturally get ahead, she will either pull you down or drop you as a friend! This chick has to be the smartest in her group….even if she ain’t!✌?
5. YOUR PARTY ONLY FRIEND: I don’t know about you but I’m getting too old to have friends that are only good for partying with. If I can’t actually have a conversation with you about life, you gots to go! This isn’t high school! We are in the adult school of life! I need loyal, trustworthy, and kind friends to share my journey with it.✌?
4. YOUR PATHOLOGICAL LIAR FRIEND: I’ve a friend that lies so much that I’m not sure if she lied about being a woman when she’s really a man! The crazy thing is I can’t figure out if she is a con artist or has had some kind of mental breakdown years ago. I honestly believe she believes her lies. Truth is never going to be her thing. Only reason why I haven’t 100% dropped her is we’ve been friends for like a decade and a half and if she is really suffering from some sort of a personality disorder, I want to be there for her so I can encourage her to get help. If she’s a con artist, however, she will be tossed out like them old clothes you throwing out. Into the garbage she shall go because I ain’t got no time to have a con ran on me! Jesus fix it….✌?
3. THE ALWAYS ACCUSING YOU OF WANTING HER MAN FRIEND: ugh! I cringe writing this one. It’s hard to say this without offending others but let me keep it real. I had a low self esteem friend who I knew for 17 years. She always had a thing for 40 year old gang members with felonies. It’s painful to be accused of wanting any of your friends’ men but I found this to be particularly offensive! Of all the men in the world, why would I ever want this type of man? They beat her, lived off of her, cheated on her, and then left her for someone else! In all my life of having female friends, no other friend had ever accused me of such a thing! I just can’t with this chick! Woosa! ✌?
2. THE CRIME SPREE FRIEND: I’ve met at least two friends who were professionals but addicted to a life of crime. Deep down inside, I always want to believe that people can change and work on themselves. Most of the time this is true. However, sometimes you get a friend that’s trying to “Thelma and Louise” you! No ma’am, I’m not going down with you. This is the point where I get off this circus ride because I’ve got one life to live and orange jump suits just don’t suit me! So if you ever befriend a female Bernie Madoff, RUN! ✌?
1. THE NOT EQUALLY YOKED FRIEND: I’ve always heard in relationships that one must be equally yoked to their spouse. Mama Michaels, despite her refusal to get rid of her trifling friends, recently opened my eyes to the fact that this theory applies to friendships as well. I’ve at least one friend that is an atheist. Now let me be clear here. I’ve known many atheists growing up. For many of them, atheism was passed down to them like Christianity was passed down to me. They may not be religious but they are open to spirituality and they never question my beliefs. The current atheist friend I’m referring to is NOT open to other people’s faith and directly rebukes the existence of any spiritual being. Mama Michaels feels that if someone believes in nothing and I believe in God and Jesus, there is only so far that the friendships can go. I’ve friends of many faiths and while there are some differences, our respect for each others’ beliefs and deep seeded spirituality are never questioned. For Mama Michaels, being equally yoked in friendship means respecting and being open to each other’s spiritual journey. She believes that one with no spiritual journey is lost and can never really find their way into the circle of trust of one on a spiritual journey. Mama Michaels isn’t saying that the Christian is better than the atheist…what she is saying is they are not equally yoked. This person should always be kept at a distance! Deep… Unfortunately, as the years go on, I’m beginning to understand what she meant. ✌?~KJM saying “show me your friends and I will tell you who you are” on Hump Day! Food for thought….Happy Spring cleaning!