If there is one thing I wish someone would have told me long ago, it is that negative energy keeps you just as connected (or sometimes even more) to an ex the same way positive energy does. Love and hate keeps us hanging on. That’s why people say that forgiveness is for us. If you do not forgive, you take that ex with you every where you go…including into new relationships. While there is no sure fire way to let go…we all should try. If for no other reason…because we deserve to love and be loved in a healthy manner. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying I know it’s not easy but let go and continue to grow?
Archives for February 2016
Someone shared this quote by Heather Lindsey on Facebook today and I felt my heart fall into my hand. This was me in the beginning of 2013. Certain events occurred with the ex factor from 2010-2012 to make me search for something God did not intend for me to have yet. So I dated a counterfeit (briefly) who swore he was my husband. I was so heartbroken from the fact that my relationship with the ex factor did not work that I accepted an invitation I would not normally. The guilt is still sometimes too much to bare! I could have lost my life figuratively and literally. As soon as I realized I was in danger, I got out but not without some serious scars! Wait for God’s promise for you! I know it’s hard because I feel like I’m forever on a waiting list for everything great in life! The wait is so apart of the process! We are worth it! ~KJM on Charm School Monday
If there was something I could say to my 29 year old self, I would say…even at 29 you will be making mistakes and growing. Guard your heart every step of the way and try to learn from your 15 year old self. She still has so much to teach you. Realize that if a boy can’t commit to you, can’t say he loves you, and always gives blanket apologies, he will never be the person for you. This boy will never be a man. Forgive with all your heart but don’t let people continue to dwell in there for free. Apologies should be filled with actions that match it. If this behavior continues forgive and forget this person. They do not deserve another chance. You have to save your faith, hope, and love for a man who can appreciate you. Do not allow a boy filled with blanket apologies to murder love. Let love flourish…elsewhere…now wiser, stronger, and better…having known what it was like to once not be loved. ~KJM saying we are all a work in progress! I hope you are enjoying a peaceful Sunday!
If there was something I could say to my 15 year old self…it would be that any boy who makes himself the focus of everything will never be the person for you. More importantly, this boy will never be a man. If he degrades you with a smile and constantly jokes that you are not good enough…run! Julio was always only about Julio which is probably why he is alone without love in his life. I use to think I was the only one he mistreated but now…19 years later when he’s still trying to stop my growth…I realized no woman stayed with him and there is a reason why! ~KJM saying I hope this helps someone out there!
It’s Serenity Saturday and while I don’t typically write a new blog on Saturdays, this one has been heavy on my heart and a long time coming. Many of us get trapped in pseudo relationships and after they are long over, the exes feel the need to check in on us…frequently. What they are doing is putting us on pause in hopes of finding something better. If they don’t find anything better, they will be back to profess their love and/or care (for the assholes who can’t say the word love) and decide to try to ruin our lives one last time! Unfortunately, there is no one type of man that uses the pause button. Yesterday I discussed Julio and today I will discuss the ex factor. They are like apples and oranges but they both used the pause button on me. Now let me be clear on this. I’m not bitter. I’m actually in a happy place. Elijah is a grown man who can say he loves me and has already said it. I’m just a little frustrated when the resilient cockroaches (Julio) and sewer rats (the ex factor) resurface when no one asked them to! Contrary to popular belief, we women can put an end to the pause button. We essentially control it. However, part of the mind game of these exes is to make you think they control it. So not true! Okay…on to part 2! The ex factor is a sneaky kind of sewer rat. At first glance, he looks and acts perfect unlike Julio where you can see his flaws miles away. Time to take a journey with me into the Pause Button Part 2. Here are the 12 things I want to warn the ex factor’s future ex girlfriend about:
12. HE IS A GORGEOUS MAN WHO WILL PRETEND TO BE THE QUIET BOY NEXT DOOR! When I met the ex factor, he was the tender age of 20. He had been in some relationships and appeared to be all about commitment. It wasn’t until we were 3.5 months in and I got a job in DC did he lay it on me that he did not want a serious relationship! I was already in love with him (to my surprise) so I stayed with him. For the next 5 years we would be on and off again as I moved for my career. With no solid commitment from him, I married my career. Had I known from the jump that he did not want a serious commitment, I would not have gone on the first date with him. Moral here: his innocent boy next door act can only be held up for so long. Here lies a cheater and a deceiver with a coy smile. Girlfriend don’t fall for it! Only good thing about this experience is the day Elijah introduced himself to me (3 weeks before I dumped the ex factor for good), I tackled the commitment question right away. If he wasn’t open to commitment, I wouldn’t be dating him now! We women have to learn from our previous mistakes and grow from it!
11. THE EX FACTOR IS A FOLLOWER AND NOT A LEADER! Whether he was in his early, mid, or late 20s, the ex factor only does the things his “boys” do. He doesn’t have a mind of his own. So if his boys don’t approve it, know that it won’t happen. I know part of this is growing pains because he was so young but that dude is soon to be rounding 30 and still thinks the way he does when he was 20. It won’t occur to him that everyone else was growing while he was being a child until all his friends are happily married.
10. YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER MEET HIS FAMILY! From my experience, the ex factor has never introduced a girl to his parents. This happened even with girls before me. Now I know what you are thinking…maybe he will only introduce his wife to be to them. And while that’s quite possible, you my dear future ex girlfriend have very slim odds of meeting his family! The ex factor has some weird close yet distant relationship with his family. He says he’s very close to them (as he still lives at home with them) but they know nothing about his life. His words not mine. I often wondered if he was some type of serial killer. The thought has been ruled out because I’ve been told time and time again that he is not smart enough to be a serial killer. Hmmm…that brings me to the next one.
9. THE EX FACTOR IS NOT INTELLIGENT! While he has a college degree, this is not the type of man you can talk philosophy, politics, and religion with. Just stay focused on his goods looks and fuck his brains out. There will never be anyone home upstairs!?? I stayed because I generally like a mute man. Quiet and intelligent are my type though…not dumb and mindless!
8. EVERYTHING WILL BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU! Part of his way of putting women down is to make them feel like an option not a priority. When he’s spending time with you, he will be staring at his phone. He will text while you guys are at dinner (the few times he takes you out…that is) and will ultimately look bored. If anyone calls him, he’s gone! It could be the grand opening of the Pizza Hut near his house, he will dump you for it. Late night basketball games with friends and all family events will take priority in his life. The life he will never share with you that is.
7. THE EX FACTOR IS SELFISH IN BED! I use to think we had an awesome sex life until I started to compare it to past partners and Elijah. In 5 years and 3 months, the ex factor made me climax once. The one thing I will give Julio was he knew I wasn’t cuming over the years, would discuss it with me, and then get frustrated by it. Julio knew he wasn’t doing a good job (I guess I did too as I always had to leave him for a better sexual partner). If you have a list of favorite sexual acts, I promise you that the ex factor only does one. He has a big dick and can last long sexually but he will make you do ALL the work. The ex factor will never focus on pleasing you. He will get his and leave you wanting someone else!
6. THE EX FACTOR IS SPITEFUL! He agreed to our taking a break (which I knew was a forever break) when I suggested it. He played it cool when I asked for space. Yet 5 weeks later he was texting me like we never broke up! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because one of his tactics when I was broken up with him for 2 years and living in Richmond was to keep texting me and even left me a voicemail to go around my blocking him on my iPhone. The ex factor does not like to be ignored! Well he’s blocked again and I will never listen to any voicemail he leaves! ✌? Not only that…he’s been fucking with my little sister on social networks by unfriending and refriending her. Dude, she has nothing to do with my decisions. Furthermore, I show your little sister the utmost respect. Please do the same for mine!
5. THE EX FACTOR GIVES BLANKET APOLOGIES! This man will treat you like shit, make you feel like the scum of the earth, and never see anything wrong with his behavior. There were many times I would tell him that I didn’t like the way he treated me and he would respond in one of two ways: (a) I think I treat you great or (b) I already apologized for whatever you are mad at! This boy accepts no responsibility for his actions and words. It takes a grown man to admit he did wrong and grow from it. The ex factor is NOT a grown man. He will stay a boy with that mentality. What I’ve learned is that sorry don’t mean shit. Actions do!
4. EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FAULT! Well since he can’t accept responsibility for anything, whose fault do you think it will be that the relationship isn’t working out?! That’s right baby girl…YOURS! You will be the reason for all the unhappiness you feel and all his annoyances. The ex factor will leave you out there every time…making you believe that you are less than a person and are lucky he even deals with you! Get out now! Save your self esteem some blows!
3. THE EX FACTOR LIES THROUGH OMISSION! This man will YES you and your family (if you let him meet anyone that is) to death. He wants to be likable but he’s really just a con artist. Don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth!
2. HE CAN’T BE FAITHFUL! The ex factor and I may have not been officially boyfriend and girlfriend (I’m so embarrassed I let him treat me this way) but he did pledge monogamy and honesty to me. My gut told me over the years that he never kept not one of those promises. Lie after lie, I realized that this deceiver won’t ever change. Good thing I wasn’t all about him during this on and off again mess of a situationship!
1. HE ONLY LOVES WOMEN WHO TREAT HIM BADLY! When the ex factor was in high school, he had two male best friends. His “first love” also went to high school with all of them. Four months into dating him (on one of my weekend trips home from DC), the ex factor told me that he found out from one of his best friends that his “first love” had slept with the other best friend repeatedly behind the ex factor’s back. Did I mention he never got to sleep with this alleged “first love?” He would go on to chase this girl in a way he will never chase you. According to him, she really loves him but made a mistake! Yea repeatedly fucking your best friend sounds like true love to me! To this day…I bet he is still trying to get her ugly ass back (as in a relationship)! I think they actually deserve each other. The ex factor should never be with a faithful woman. And we all know it takes a special kind of hoe to sleep with the homies! ?? Best wishes boo ? ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I had to “relax, relate, and release” after writing this blog! “It’s A Different World Form Where You Come From!”
From the moment I met Julio in 1997, he’s been bad for my self esteem. Always pointing out what he didn’t like about my looks and my personality. I grew up around so much domestic violence that I forgot that punching a woman in her face is not the only terrible thing a person can do. Tearing down your spirit, looks, intelligence, and heart are just as damaging as being physically abused. I don’t know how I could have dated this person much less call them friend for so long. ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying never let anyone treat you like you are less than!
I hate that I’ve to write this blog but truth be told it’s a long time coming. Earlier this week, Julio called me and told me off in the most malicious way. I’ve known him for 19 years but we haven’t seriously dated since 2007! He was upset because I’m dating Elijah and I’m happy! Praise Jesus?? No matter what Elijah and I go through…from the jump he’s been different from the rest. He’s on his grown man status and I love it (though it’s taken some getting use to after only dealing with boys)! After thinking about our conversation and speaking with people who know me well…I’ve now blocked Julio. He is no longer welcomed to call nor text me. There’s a new sheriff in town and Julio…it just ain’t you! Julio is angry that for years he hit the pause button on me to find something better and never did! I stopped truly loving him almost 10 years ago and never looked back. Once I fell for the ex factor, Julio’s love coffin was officially sealed. I think because I’ve finally gotten rid of the ex factor, Julio thought he could come back. But Julio for real though…do you think you are that important in my life that I would ever consider being with you again?! Fuck NO! We dated for 10 years (on and off again) where I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from you. There is no way I would want such a man to be my husband and the father of my children. Since you can’t get past your own fucking ego, I’m putting it all in writing. I’m letting the world know you ain’t shit and I’m no longer trying to be a cordial friend. You fell and bumped your head on Tuesday night and that will be the last time I let you disrespect me! Before I go though, I want to warn any woman who will date you in the future (since you are now bitterly single). Here are the 10 Things I want Julio’s future ex girlfriend to know about him:
10. JULIO IS SHORT IN SO MANY WAYS! I’m 5’7 and I doubt Julio is even 5’3. He hates his height and his body so if you are taller than him and love your body, you are going to pay! He will always have something nasty to say to you…even while dating him. Julio has a long list of insecurities and he will spend what feels like a lifetime (19 years and I can’t fucking get rid of him) bringing you down!
9. JULIO IS SELFISH IN BED! This man has such a huge ego for such a small person. Yes he was my first and I hate that I’ve to expose him like this but in our over 10 years of sexual history, he’s never made me climax. I mean…he was never even close! So if you like not cuming and forever only satisfying his needs….Julio is the midget for you!
8. JULIO IS A MAMA’S BOY! Mama still warms up his spoiled rotten breast milk and it shows. This is one of the main reasons why he can’t keep a good woman. No one is like his mama…and if you have any fucking sense…you don’t want to be. This man thinks he is a god and that he is entitled to everything he never worked for.
7. LONG AFTER YOU BREAKUP THIS SICK SON OF A BITCH WILL STILL THINK HE IS ENTITLED TO YOUR HEART AND YOUR BODY! Julio, when standing completely straight does not even come up to where my heart is. So why on God’s green earth does he still think I should love him? I’ve known him for 19 years and he’s been an asshole for 18 of those years! Who the fuck worships an asshole just because he’s been around a long time?! Well cockroaches are hard to get rid of too…and ain’t nobody throwing a party for them! Need I remind you, I was hugely sexually dissatisfied with Julio’s dick game so why again should he be memorable?! Fuck out of here!
6. JULIO WILL PRETEND TO BE YOUR FRIEND LONG AFTER THE BREAKUP ONLY TO TRY TO SABOTAGE EVERY RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE AFTER HIM! I don’t know if I’m the only ex he calls up all the damn time and fucks with…but there is a great chance he will do it to you too! If you are wondering why I’ve kept in touch with him all these years…it’s because after I fell out of love for him…I treated Julio like a long distance cousin. If he were to get married tomorrow, I would feel nothing. As a matter of fact, that pisses him off! I’ve encouraged him to get married and work out every relationship he’s been in since we have been pseudo friends. I allowed him to check in on me once or twice a year because who has a problem with their long distance cousin doing that?!
5. JULIO WILL NEVER SUPPORT YOU ON ANYTHING! I’ve always been crazy intelligent and gone to amazing schools. This has been an issue for Julio from the jump. He really needs a bitch that don’t know how to read and write! Because of my intelligence, degrees, and ambitions, Julio never treated me well. He has always felt and acted inferior to me. If you think I’m making that up….over the years he has expressed these feelings but continuously asking me if I think he is smart?! While Julio is on his second masters degree, and I’ve attained the highest degree I can in my field, I’ve always been happy for him. Yet he has never been happy for me. News flash Julio…all the degrees in the world won’t change that you are an insecure asshole! Might want to get that printed on your second masters degree! ??
4. JULIO WILL TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT! While I’ve never known him to be a cheater (it’s hard for short men to have game), he will verbally and emotionally bring you down in and out of your relationship. Julio will put everyone in front of you and make you feel like you are not worthy! But I’m here to tell you…you are worthy! Julio’s biggest issue is with himself. You deserve so much more! Don’t allow him to put you down and then accuse you of having low self esteem! Tell Julio to fuck off!??
3. JULIO WILL CALL YOU A SLUT! If you aren’t sleeping with him, Julio will accuse you of being a whore. I have a small amount of sex partners (not sure why this is even a concern for Julio as he hasn’t seen the fuzz on my kitty kat since January 2010…pre ex factor) yet at the end of our Tuesday night conversation he intelligently called me a low self esteem nymphomaniac slut! He was so mad that I’m intimate with Elijah and wondered how I could choose Elijah over him. Dude, we haven’t seriously dated since 2007. While there are a long list of wonderful attributes about Elijah, I’m going to stoop down to Julio’s level and hit him with only one…Elijah’s dick action alone can blow every memory of you out my mind! ?? Long live King Big Dick! ??
2. JULIO WILL NEVER COMPLETELY GO AWAY UNLESS YOU DRAW A LINE! This cockroach will always creep up in the corner of your kitchen no matter how many times you call the exterminator. You have to completely cut him off and draw a solid line in order to find your own happiness! Julio is bitter and will always want you to be bitter. I tried and tried to find some good in him but failed. Girl when it’s your turn…learn from me. Run! Don’t allow him to call and befriend you!
1. JULIO IS AN EX FOR A REASON! After he hung up on me Tuesday night (yes the motherfucker did), I realized I was right to never consider marrying him nor having his children. Julio is the type of man I regret ever meeting. All the years I was with him, I felt alone and unsupported. There was never two solid days I could count on him as a lover nor friend in 19 years! Even when I got into professional school, how he congratulated me was by breaking up with me. This is the boy I met when I was 15 and he was 16. He’s still that boy today at 35! I wish I could take back my virginity and give him back his! Julio, I am God’s child! I am only HIS! If you are not God nor Papa Michaels, I was never your property. You are an ex for a reason and you have lived out your season! Please do not keep in touch✌?️ ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying to all the women out there….never let a boy press the pause button on you…thinking he can come back whenever he feels like. Move forward and love with all your heart. Never let the trash continue to stink up your home!
Last night I awoke to see that my first love Julio had called and text me. After 19 years of him being in my life and him now living in Dallas…I didn’t hesitate to return his call. Always want to know that he’s ok. We talked about so much but as usual Julio knows how to push my buttons. All I could do was take a deep breath and try not to take offense to anything he says. Somewhere in the conversation, I told Julio about Elijah. I’ve been trying to avoid that topic especially when Julio came home right before the holidays and wanted to see me. My work schedule is crazy so it was easy to tell him that I wasn’t able to meet up…this time. Truth be told, I was exhausted and even though I wasn’t sure where I stood with Elijah…I still held him down. As a matter of fact since I’ve been seeing Elijah, I’ve had 3 chances (that I know of) to leave him and date someone else (especially from my past). I went through so much with Julio and the ex factor (a total of 15 years of on and off again)…though I always knew Julio loved me….that I can’t imagine entertaining either one of them. I’m also enjoying my friendship with Julio. 19 years of knowing each other…he’s finally become that great ex husband that I never want to date again!?? I told him that 1997-2007, with exception of some slip ups, I was all about him. When he broke up with me at the end of my first year of professional school, my heart gave up. We briefly messed around Fall 2009 when I was out of school and struggling. Julio was not there for me emotionally nor financially. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could not trust a man with my future and my future children who could not take care of me….the way my father does. I asked Julio to pay my cell phone bill once and he said no because he knew I would be calling other guys. He was right about that but when my phone was briefly cut off and I couldn’t talk to Phoenix who was preparing for Dental school at the time…nor could I call potential employers, I realized that Julio was not the type of man that I would want to be my husband nor the father of my children. Not to mention, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have happily paid his cell phone bill not caring who he was calling because we go back way too far to not look out for each other. I’ve always had his back…hence why he stays close. My love was everything! Too bad he didn’t realize it back then. To add insult to injury, Julio guessed what Elijah looked like and he was 90% right. He guessed that we were in the same field and even guessed what borough Elijah lives in!? Julio always did know me well…even when I switch up my type (Julio was never my type and Elijah is not my usual type)….he is in sync with what type of man I would go for different in stages of my life. Where he fell and bumped his head, however, is Julio never knew how to view me…the true me. He told me I should be taking a break from dating (which is not realistic if children is an option because I’m 34) and that I’m always in love with self esteem issues. You know I had to clap back and let him know that while he depicted Elijah correctly (as far as physical features, hobbies, and occupation) I’m a confident woman who loves myself. I didn’t seek Elijah…God introduced me to Elijah. I always remind y’all that the day Elijah introduced himself to me…I was crying and praying. I believe he’s in my life for a reason. Elijah is either the one for me or he is the last lesson I need to learn before I become a wife to another man!?? Further more Elijah is fire and I am air. Fire needs air to thrive but air does not need fire to exist (read this on some horoscope site one night when I couldn’t sleep). I’m pretty sure Elijah and I both know this! The Gemini is always an independent being. One good thing that came out of this conversation is that if Julio is panicking and saying hurtful things (even if in jest) I’m onto something big! Julio is afraid of losing me so I must be close to unconditional love because like I said before…he knows me well. I’m going to keep trying to make things work with Elijah…and of course….keep praying. Prayer makes a huge difference! ?? ~KJM on Hump Day saying every new beginning takes work but remember that no amount of work could salvage your past or it would be your present/future. Love someone with all your heart today and you won’t ever have to have conversations like these…tomorrow.
Yesterday I was super emotional and couldn’t figure out why. Then on my subway ride home, I started to fight back tears. It’s February…the last month I saw my friend Michele alive in 2015. She passed June 4 and because I had relocated back to my home state and had just started a new job…I couldn’t go to her funeral. To be honest, I haven’t been able to go back to Richmond. My way of dealing with death is to just keep moving…literally. I can’t stop and grieve or I will just fall apart. The issue with this is grief has a way of sneaking up on you at the most odd times. It never goes away…it just lays dormant. So I fought back tears because I do not like to cry publicly. Yesterday evening was all a blur. I felt the emotional effects of Michele’s sudden passing and not even television could distract me. I probably fell asleep around a quarter to 9…15 minutes before I was suppose to take my birth control pill! FML! I awoke briefly at 12:40am and watched the ending of the vacation episode of “Golden Girls.” Still it had not occurred to me that I hadn’t taken my pill! To show you how serious my pill game is….I’ve been on it since I was 21 years old with only a 1.5 year break, during which I met the ex factor and to make him feel comfortable (even though we always used condoms) I got back on the pill. In that time I’ve been late with my pill twice (this includes last night) and completely missed one when I was at Julio’s aunt and uncles house in 2007 and when I went to take my pill out Julio made me laugh and it fell in their recliner chair. We were never able to find it! That’s how serious my pill game is! I don’t play with it at all! Even in years of celibacy, I stayed on the pill because you know my philosophy…dick falls out the sky! And I always want to be prepared! This is a good time to shout out all the birth control and condom companies who have contributed to my having safe sex!?? I thank you for all your hard work! Now back to my silly self. At 4am, I naturally awoke for work and my first thought was…I didn’t take my fucking pill! FML! I immediately took it and started googling what happens when you don’t take your pill on time. Now Elijah and I haven’t had sex since the end of November and lately I haven’t been feeling like I want to. I explained to him back in September that I’m one of those rare women where I can separate sex and love so if he wanted my heart sex won’t be the way. As a matter of fact, sex generally distances me from a guy. I’ve to fall in love before we ever have sex though Elijah may be the first one to break that trend. So my feelings have grown since we stop having sex but I know men need to be touched. I can’t hold him off forever. Back to this pill, according to my google search…my pill is a combination pill (has progestin and estrogen) so generally I’ve a 12 hour window to take my pill before I have to worry about using a back up source of protection like condoms. I took it 7.25 hours later than usual. However, the first week and last week of the active pills are the worst time to be late or miss a pill. This was my first week and the time the pill fell into the recliner…I was in my last week…though Julio and I never got pregnant✌?️ He was always sad about that. Anyways, every article reminded me of two things: 1. Late pills and missed pills can cause break through bleeding (like spotting or a mini period…ugh I just finished my period and feel like airing out my vagina this week at night by sleeping with no underwear!) and 2. See the pamphlet for my actual pills! FML! I don’t want to see anymore blood! Also, who the fuck has ever opened and read the pamphlet package in their birth control?!? Well there is a first time for everything. My pamphlet says to take my pill as soon as I remember (which I did), continue to take my pill normally, and to use back up protection for the next 7 days especially since this was my first week into new pills! FML! While I’m pretty sure Elijah’s dick won’t fall out the sky any time soon (I pray…wait is it ok to pray for that?)…and we also always use condoms…I’m still a worrier by nature. So I worry and I think…Fuck My Life! ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying I’m so happy God looks out for children and fools?? I want to be Auntie Kingston for life?? Save the drama for your mama! Lol.
Let me start off by saying that I’m definitely not into “slut shaming.” I believe a woman should own her sexuality and decide who, what, where, and why. This blog is directed to those undercover hoes who slut shame other women by pretending they are Jesus’ cousin knowing damn well…they use to drop it like it’s hot all around town! This is more of a…I knew you when you were a hoe…and don’t you forget it edition. Every woman has a bad girl inside of her. Even if you no longer tap into that bad girl…no need to turn your nose up like you never use to be her. 15 ways to spot an undercover hoe (yea I’m calling y’all out):
15. THE SAVED YET HIGHLY JUDGMENTAL ONE! Now before y’all throw your bibles at me…hear me out! There is nothing wrong with claiming Christ as your savior but there is something wrong with pretending that you were never a sinner! You ever heard that the same pimps and hoes from Saturday night at the club be at church in time for Sunday morning service?! Everyone has a past…and while it should not define you…a person pretending they have never sinned to me triggers a possible undercover hoe. You can run but you can’t hide! Chances are Jesus ain’t the only one that knows your sins! Girl pick your face up off the floor! You still got time to repent!
14. SHE ALWAYS HAS A BOYFRIEND! Now I know that some people need and want love to be in their lives 24/7 but let’s be honest here…if you meet a woman who can’t be without being in a relationship…it’s a sign that she may not care who she is in a relationship with. Any Tom, Dick, and Harry will do! And let the record show that while I’m not sure about Tom…I’m positive Dick and Harry won’t stay around just to be in a platonic/no sex having relationship!
13. SHE HAS WAY TOO MANY BABY DADDIES! I’m trying so hard not to judge here but one of the signs of an undercover hoe is none of her children have the same father. I’ve said this before but this is definitely worth repeating…some women still believe a baby is the best way to trap…I mean keep a man! An undercover hoe will just keep getting pregnant by whomever until she finds that one man that will stay! I don’t care if you met her at church…if she got 5 kids with 5 different baby daddies…you already know what her previous life may have been like. Saving herself for Jesus she was not!
12. SHE DOESN’T CONSIDER ANAL SEX AND/OR SUCKING DICK AS SEX! This one always puzzles me! Either someone failed biology class or they are just plum dumb but both acts are a form of intercourse. I knew women who only had two vaginal sex partners but sucked like 200 random dicks! What the fuck?! Where do they do that at?! To each it’s own but I suggest this type of undercover hoe take a remedial biology class! A mind is really a terrible thing to waste…and so is a body!
11. SHE USES ABORTIONS AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL! Ugh this one really upsets me. While I’m pro choice, I cringe to think of a woman using abortions as birth control. Growing up, I knew at least three women that if you put all their abortions together it would be some insane number that would make us all want to throw up…with most of the abortions taking place before they were 21! Be a smart hoe and pop your pills! I just can’t with this type of undercover hoe✌?
10. SHE JUDGES YOU FOR HOW YOU DRESS! Undercover hoes generally shy away from any discussion of sexuality. This is because they don’t want you to know the true them. So everything makes them blush and uncomfortable. While she’s making comments about how short your black dress is for the club, she’s forgotten that last week, after bible study, she sucked the pastor’s dick! ?
9. SHE CLAIMS SHE DOESN’T GO OUT TO CLUBS/EVENTS ANYMORE! Usually an undercover hoe will frown upon you heading out for a night of fun. What you need to understand is that an undercover hoe is really a tired retired hoe. Pussy has so much mileage on it that it would hurt to go back stage of a concert one more time in hopes of sucking every penis in the band…including the band manager. She’s just exhausted and as part of her 401k, she has to refrain from attending such events again for fear of going back to her old ways! ?? This bitch needs to rest her ashy ankles and just have a seat!
8. SHE ALWAYS HAS SOME SORT OF MYSTERIOUS STD! Undercover hoes pretend that sex is not a possibility. Because of this misconception, she leaves her house without condoms and birth control pills. Penis has just fell out the sky and she’s…of course…unprepared! Having sex raw for years may lead to many sexually transmitted diseases! There’s a reason why they call it “raw dog.” Do it raw and the dog will bite you! If this woman would just be honest with herself and her sexuality, she would be in a position to practice safer sex!
7. SHE HAS SMASHED ALL THE HOMIES! Growing up you may have known her as a tomboy. She never wore short shorts a day in her life yet she’s done every boy (and possibly girl) in your neighborhood! Clothes does not make nor define this hoe. She gets around no matter what she wears. There isn’t a group of male friends who don’t know her intimately. When this undercover hoe grows up, she may have to move and maybe even change her entire name to get away from her past!
6. SHE’S ALWAYS THE MISTRESS OF A MARRIED MAN! Now I know we all make mistakes….to the point where some of us may find ourselves accidentally having an affair with a married man! I pray NOT to ever be in such a situation. This undercover hoe, however, never has a man of her own and shys away from dating…all while being “mentored” by married men! This scenario tends to happen within church and educational settings. Somehow this woman is always linked to a married man. To everyone’s face, she will never own up to it. However, we all know that after she’s had two children with no known father for them…something is up. This isn’t the type of mentorship program we want others to join!
5. SHE JOINS A CHURCH WITH ONLY MARRIED MEN, SHORTLY AFTER ONE MAN GETS DIVORCED, AND THEN SHE MARRIES HIM! Now I know what you are thinking…how is number 5 different from number 6? Simple, in number 6 the mistress will never willingly claim her married man. But number 5 is a special kind of undercover hoe! She has strategically planned out how she can legitimize her status from mistress to wife! She just may go from being part of the congregation to being the First Lady of the church in just one year! Once she is First Lady, everyone will have to bite their tongue on how she got there…at least to her face!
4. THEY CLAIM TO BE CELIBATE! In the 10 years you have known her, she claims to be waiting for marriage. Yet she now has a 7 year old son….mysteriously! I’ve heard of immaculate conception but to my knowledge that’s a one time deal! We all know someone who we have no clue who their child’s father is and are not quite sure when his dick fell out the sky! Are we doing the secret baby daddy thing now?! It occurs to me as I’m writing this that some women may not know the true definition of celibacy! It’s a great time to google and learn!
3. THEY LOVE TO GOSSIP BUT MUM IS THE WORD ON THEIR PERSONAL LIFE! An undercover hoe will have her ears pressed up to the wall to catch any kind of gossip. She will spread other people’s business like fire but when someone asks her about where she was last night….silence! It’s so much easier for her to throw stones at another woman than lay in her own nasty cum juice!
2. SHE ALWAYS THINKS SHE IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! There’s nothing really humble about an undercover hoe. Think about it…not many people may know about her past and/or current life. So with no record of her history….she preaches from the pulpit like she never had a day when temptation took over her body! Instead of relating to the younger generation and trying to guide them with her wisdom, she classifies them as modern day harlots that can’t be reformed! How soon she forgot…her past!
1. YOU MAY CALL HER MOMMY! Think back when you were a teenager. How did your mama always know what you were going to do before you did it?! That’s right boo…you were dealing with an OGH (Original Gangsta Hoe). You ain’t never going to be able to get anything past her because she’s been there and done that! And if you are 25 years old and still don’t know who your daddy is or have heard rumors that the man you call daddy…well ain’t your daddy….your mama may be an undercover hoe! Lawd a mercy… ~KJM on Charm School Monday saying I’ve no problem with a woman exercising her right to sleep with whomever she wants. However, here in my Charm School it’s important to recognize these types of women. They stunt the growth of female empowerment?? So yes…we will call you out!