It’s Serenity Saturday and while I don’t typically write a new blog on Saturdays, this one has been heavy on my heart and a long time coming. Many of us get trapped in pseudo relationships and after they are long over, the exes feel the need to check in on us…frequently. What they are doing is putting us on pause in hopes of finding something better. If they don’t find anything better, they will be back to profess their love and/or care (for the assholes who can’t say the word love) and decide to try to ruin our lives one last time! Unfortunately, there is no one type of man that uses the pause button. Yesterday I discussed Julio and today I will discuss the ex factor. They are like apples and oranges but they both used the pause button on me. Now let me be clear on this. I’m not bitter. I’m actually in a happy place. Elijah is a grown man who can say he loves me and has already said it. I’m just a little frustrated when the resilient cockroaches (Julio) and sewer rats (the ex factor) resurface when no one asked them to! Contrary to popular belief, we women can put an end to the pause button. We essentially control it. However, part of the mind game of these exes is to make you think they control it. So not true! Okay…on to part 2! The ex factor is a sneaky kind of sewer rat. At first glance, he looks and acts perfect unlike Julio where you can see his flaws miles away. Time to take a journey with me into the Pause Button Part 2. Here are the 12 things I want to warn the ex factor’s future ex girlfriend about:
12. HE IS A GORGEOUS MAN WHO WILL PRETEND TO BE THE QUIET BOY NEXT DOOR! When I met the ex factor, he was the tender age of 20. He had been in some relationships and appeared to be all about commitment. It wasn’t until we were 3.5 months in and I got a job in DC did he lay it on me that he did not want a serious relationship! I was already in love with him (to my surprise) so I stayed with him. For the next 5 years we would be on and off again as I moved for my career. With no solid commitment from him, I married my career. Had I known from the jump that he did not want a serious commitment, I would not have gone on the first date with him. Moral here: his innocent boy next door act can only be held up for so long. Here lies a cheater and a deceiver with a coy smile. Girlfriend don’t fall for it! Only good thing about this experience is the day Elijah introduced himself to me (3 weeks before I dumped the ex factor for good), I tackled the commitment question right away. If he wasn’t open to commitment, I wouldn’t be dating him now! We women have to learn from our previous mistakes and grow from it!
11. THE EX FACTOR IS A FOLLOWER AND NOT A LEADER! Whether he was in his early, mid, or late 20s, the ex factor only does the things his “boys” do. He doesn’t have a mind of his own. So if his boys don’t approve it, know that it won’t happen. I know part of this is growing pains because he was so young but that dude is soon to be rounding 30 and still thinks the way he does when he was 20. It won’t occur to him that everyone else was growing while he was being a child until all his friends are happily married.
10. YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER MEET HIS FAMILY! From my experience, the ex factor has never introduced a girl to his parents. This happened even with girls before me. Now I know what you are thinking…maybe he will only introduce his wife to be to them. And while that’s quite possible, you my dear future ex girlfriend have very slim odds of meeting his family! The ex factor has some weird close yet distant relationship with his family. He says he’s very close to them (as he still lives at home with them) but they know nothing about his life. His words not mine. I often wondered if he was some type of serial killer. The thought has been ruled out because I’ve been told time and time again that he is not smart enough to be a serial killer. Hmmm…that brings me to the next one.
9. THE EX FACTOR IS NOT INTELLIGENT! While he has a college degree, this is not the type of man you can talk philosophy, politics, and religion with. Just stay focused on his goods looks and fuck his brains out. There will never be anyone home upstairs!?? I stayed because I generally like a mute man. Quiet and intelligent are my type though…not dumb and mindless!
8. EVERYTHING WILL BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU! Part of his way of putting women down is to make them feel like an option not a priority. When he’s spending time with you, he will be staring at his phone. He will text while you guys are at dinner (the few times he takes you out…that is) and will ultimately look bored. If anyone calls him, he’s gone! It could be the grand opening of the Pizza Hut near his house, he will dump you for it. Late night basketball games with friends and all family events will take priority in his life. The life he will never share with you that is.
7. THE EX FACTOR IS SELFISH IN BED! I use to think we had an awesome sex life until I started to compare it to past partners and Elijah. In 5 years and 3 months, the ex factor made me climax once. The one thing I will give Julio was he knew I wasn’t cuming over the years, would discuss it with me, and then get frustrated by it. Julio knew he wasn’t doing a good job (I guess I did too as I always had to leave him for a better sexual partner). If you have a list of favorite sexual acts, I promise you that the ex factor only does one. He has a big dick and can last long sexually but he will make you do ALL the work. The ex factor will never focus on pleasing you. He will get his and leave you wanting someone else!
6. THE EX FACTOR IS SPITEFUL! He agreed to our taking a break (which I knew was a forever break) when I suggested it. He played it cool when I asked for space. Yet 5 weeks later he was texting me like we never broke up! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because one of his tactics when I was broken up with him for 2 years and living in Richmond was to keep texting me and even left me a voicemail to go around my blocking him on my iPhone. The ex factor does not like to be ignored! Well he’s blocked again and I will never listen to any voicemail he leaves! ✌? Not only that…he’s been fucking with my little sister on social networks by unfriending and refriending her. Dude, she has nothing to do with my decisions. Furthermore, I show your little sister the utmost respect. Please do the same for mine!
5. THE EX FACTOR GIVES BLANKET APOLOGIES! This man will treat you like shit, make you feel like the scum of the earth, and never see anything wrong with his behavior. There were many times I would tell him that I didn’t like the way he treated me and he would respond in one of two ways: (a) I think I treat you great or (b) I already apologized for whatever you are mad at! This boy accepts no responsibility for his actions and words. It takes a grown man to admit he did wrong and grow from it. The ex factor is NOT a grown man. He will stay a boy with that mentality. What I’ve learned is that sorry don’t mean shit. Actions do!
4. EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FAULT! Well since he can’t accept responsibility for anything, whose fault do you think it will be that the relationship isn’t working out?! That’s right baby girl…YOURS! You will be the reason for all the unhappiness you feel and all his annoyances. The ex factor will leave you out there every time…making you believe that you are less than a person and are lucky he even deals with you! Get out now! Save your self esteem some blows!
3. THE EX FACTOR LIES THROUGH OMISSION! This man will YES you and your family (if you let him meet anyone that is) to death. He wants to be likable but he’s really just a con artist. Don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth!
2. HE CAN’T BE FAITHFUL! The ex factor and I may have not been officially boyfriend and girlfriend (I’m so embarrassed I let him treat me this way) but he did pledge monogamy and honesty to me. My gut told me over the years that he never kept not one of those promises. Lie after lie, I realized that this deceiver won’t ever change. Good thing I wasn’t all about him during this on and off again mess of a situationship!
1. HE ONLY LOVES WOMEN WHO TREAT HIM BADLY! When the ex factor was in high school, he had two male best friends. His “first love” also went to high school with all of them. Four months into dating him (on one of my weekend trips home from DC), the ex factor told me that he found out from one of his best friends that his “first love” had slept with the other best friend repeatedly behind the ex factor’s back. Did I mention he never got to sleep with this alleged “first love?” He would go on to chase this girl in a way he will never chase you. According to him, she really loves him but made a mistake! Yea repeatedly fucking your best friend sounds like true love to me! To this day…I bet he is still trying to get her ugly ass back (as in a relationship)! I think they actually deserve each other. The ex factor should never be with a faithful woman. And we all know it takes a special kind of hoe to sleep with the homies! ?? Best wishes boo ? ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I had to “relax, relate, and release” after writing this blog! “It’s A Different World Form Where You Come From!”