Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

Sins Of The Past Part II (For Generations To Come)

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So much lies in our past. From the way we grew up to the way we first fell in and out of love, the past can explain present struggles. Lately Elijah will say negative things (unbeknownst to him) that triggers things Julio directly said to me and things the ex factor indirectly and passive aggressively expressed. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now or because I’m so scarred that my past seems to be nipping at my heels. Elijah and I are always having these power struggles just like I did with all the rest. Why must these men try to “tame the shrew?” Everyone is always trying to change me and mold me into something I can’t be…won’t be…and don’t want to be. I want to be in love yet maintain my individual identity. If I have a family, I don’t want to make them my whole world! I want to still belong to myself every step of the way. I was born who I was meant to be and I’m in love with that person…in all her rawness and talent. Why can’t these men feel the same about me? Starting with Julio, I’m always constantly being told I’m not good enough. When someone puts you down know it has very little to do with you and everything to do with them. This is one of the reasons why I never wanted children with Julio. I would never want my children to see their mother constantly being belittled everyday by their father. This thought led me to an even more deeper revelation about my past. I stayed with the ex factor for 5 years (on and off) not for what he could be to me but for what he could be to our children! Wait let me back it up…in case I’m losing you. My stance on children is if my future husband wants them, we will have them but if he doesn’t I’m cool with that too. I’ve always said I do not have a biological need to be pregnant. But once I consider seriously dating a man and he expresses he wants children, I try to envision if I could bless him with the biggest gift life has to offer. With Julio the answer was hell no and will always be so. I want him no where near my womb! For the ex factor, I (for the first time in my life) could see our three children. I could see him being a great father and that coupled with his 26 year old young sperm would allow us to have a beautiful big family. The ex factor, from what I hear from my sister Brenda, was raised by two wonderful and loving parents. Everyone in his family pitches in for the greater good of the family as a whole. So I stayed for 5 years and 3 months for my children! That thought alone comforts me to no end on why I would allow myself to be treated terribly by the ex factor. While having children is not a must for me…the moment I could envision them with a man….it’s my job as their future mother to protect them even before conception. Ladies, please keep that in mind! It’s our job to protect our wombs even before conception! I was once told by an older woman who was on her second marriage that you never know a man until you have children for him. He could spend 10 years loving you and doting on you but once children are born that same man may walk away from his own DNA as if they were complete strangers! Ouch! Because Papa Michaels has been an imperfect loving, caring, and active father, I would want my children to have the same! There were no gender roles in my house. Whatever parent was home took care of the children. Papa Michaels was the most efficient parent. I grew up with him ironing my uniforms (that’s why I suck at ironing lol), making all my meals, and him setting my bedtime only to check on me to make sure I was actually sleeping. Both of my parents worked 12-16 hours a day to provide though my dad had a more flexible schedule. I asked Papa Michaels if he enjoyed being a none traditional active father and he said yes. He loved providing for his family and building his family up from the inside out! Oh my I’m so blessed to have him as my father! The love I see in his eyes for me…I don’t know if I will ever see such a thing in anyone else. And maybe that’s why me and my womb have a hard time committing! I know there is no such thing as perfection but I want something damn close! For all his faults as a husband, Papa Michaels is one hell of a father. After all, he raised me! ?? My friend, Grace, recently told me that when you are an independent woman with no kids and have a career, men know you can afford to be picky. With that being said, what made me stay with one man (the future of my children) may be the same reason I can leave one without batting an eye. I have no plans of giving up my independence and becoming barefoot and pregnant! Fuck that! So if Elijah really loves me…it’s my womb he needs to impress. A dick can’t impress my womb and neither does a man who can provide since I can provide for myself. He needs to come correct and prove to me that he’s worth me blessing him with generations to come! ?? Sins of the past can tell us so much about our present and possibly our future. My future is worth being picky about. My womb is still worth protecting. I will hold out until it feels close to perfect. And if it never does….it was all worth the risk to either give my future children an amazing father or keep them safe and sound in my womb and let my siblings carry on the Michaels name! ~KJM on Charm School Monday

The Wait

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I know it’s been a while since you have heard from me. Lots have been going on but I have not abandoned my readers. After my final love letter to the ex factor….I officially entered “the wait.” This is a time period where one feels ready to excel but only GOD can put them in motion. Until then, we are patiently waiting and preparing ourselves. Some people forever stay in “the wait” stage. In order for you to understand why, let me be clear on something…the waiting period is a time to strengthen your faith…not doubt God. If you doubt His ability, He will keep you waiting. Common mistakes people make in this time period are to get jealous of others’ success, get bitter, get angry, and constantly compare their lives to others. The wait is different for each person. With it comes many test and testimonies. It’s the time when you learn what kind of spouse, family member, boss, and friend you were meant to be amongst other things. It is a time to be humble. A time of prayer and meditation. If you let any type of negative energy consume you…you may forever be…waiting. The wait is not for the tired and weary. It’s for the energized and faithful spirits. Sometimes you may be called to abandon everything you once held dear to you and TRUST that GOD’s promise to you is greater than anything you dreamed up. I woke up two days ago with my heart full and smiling. Patience is my weakness but once I acknowledged that I am in the waiting period…I’ve no choice but to patiently wait. He is an “on time God” which is almost never to be an on our time God. So I wait and I pray and I hope and I keep the faith….and I smile. Won’t you join me in “the wait?” ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying thanks for waiting on me to write this blog?

Sins Of The Past (With Love)

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Today is Valentine’s Day 2016 and I can’t help but remember where I was this time last year. I woke up that morning with you and before I part with those memories, I would like to write my last love letter to you my dear ex factor. For 5 years and 3 months I loved you and only you. We met when I was 29 and you were 20. Though the odds were always against us…I took the risk and I loved you with all of me. I could see us being married and my stomach growing with your seeds. Though at times the weight gain and swelling of my feet made me sad, I would touch my belly and remember that I did it all for you and our family. I loved you enough to dream up a life I never dared to dream prior to you. I could see our three children running around the house with our three dogs. I could feel things I’ve never felt before. Even though I still have a love/hate relationship with you, I want you to know that YOU WERE LOVED! From the sparkle in your brown eyes to the smile on your face…I loved every inch of you. Even when you crushed my spirit, I loved you enough not to hurt you back. Although we have parted ways and have moved on…I couldn’t resist writing this final love letter. You are the risk I sometimes regret taking but in the same breath am happy I took. I miss your easy laughter and days of lovemaking. I miss all our nights at our favorite place. I miss all the sweet conversations we had in the hot tubs. We watched so many movies together. I miss making out with you like teenagers in the movie theaters. I miss all the days and nights we hung out by the Tappan Zee bridge. I miss days turning into nights which turned into mornings. I miss you and pray that things are going well for you. My love for you will forever make me angry and cause me to smile in the same moment. The life we will never have will forever saddened me but at least we both finally have a chance to find a love we can finally believe in…in other people. Thank you for the kind moments and soft kisses. Thank you for teaching me how to love…when I was not loved in return. Thank you, dear ex factor, for I’m now free to love and be loved. With all the love I once had in my heart for you, Kingston. ~KJM on this Valentine’s Day Sunday!

Warning Signs vs. Looking For Trouble

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I don’t know what’s in the air but lately I’ve been second guessing myself. Elijah, out of all my men, has his shit together and can talk about the future without breaking into sweats. He’s also the first MAN I’ve dated. Spent so much time with boys that it didn’t occur to me that real single men exist. I’ve one main concern about him which I will keep private because it’s really between he and I. Last night, I was up talking to Willow about him and she gave me some good advice though I’m not sure I’m ready to take it. That Willow is always a champion of love! I envy the Pisces woman’s ability to make loving a man look like strength instead of weakness. While the Gemini woman struggles to be vulnerable, the Pisces woman makes it look like the thing to do! That’s why they balance us out so well! Did you guys know that relationships take lots of work?! It’s exhausting at times but when I think of where I’ve been I’m so happy with where I currently am! Amen! Still my past haunts me. There were early warning signs for many of the issues that ended my longest relationships. The ex factor blindsided me with a few until I was deeply in love with him but in general the things that separated us did rear their ugly heads the first 6 months into this situationship. Julio was a mess from the jump but like most women in my family, l held onto the first man I slept with because it was tradition to keep him around and then marry him. Thank goodness for growing up in the U.S. Had it not been for my education, violent upbringing (sad to give that any credit but knowledge is power), and my need to be independent, Julio’s controlling, unsupportive, and disrespectful ways might have gone unnoticed and I may have really married that fool! Shout out to the GREAT Pennsylvania State University for giving me an education and my freedom! WE ARE! PENN STATE! Julio always said that was his breaking point…when I chose to go to a great school out of state! I’ve no regrets about choosing Penn State over Julio! I will always love PSU, while for almost a decade I’ve been screaming, “Julio who?!” If there are any young women out there…trying to decide between a boy and their education…choose your education!!!! There is freedom in learning. No man can ever take that away from you. ?? Back to the issue at hand, warning signs. It haunts me the amount of them that I overlooked with Julio and the ex factor. That’s almost 19 wasted years! I cringe just thinking about it. To all the young women reading this blog, please pay attention to early warning signs in your relationships. Pay attention to deal breakers and moments when you feel you have compromised yourself. Please remember though…there is a thin line between warning signs and looking for signs. They always say if you go looking for trouble, you will find it. Fight the urge to sabotage your own happiness. I think that’s what I’m trying to figure out with Elijah….am I seeing a warning sign/deal breaker or did Julio’s negative phone call from last week….have me looking for trouble? I’m trying so hard to not breathe negativity and just love. All I can do is follow my gut. Stay tuned….~KJM on Flashback Friday saying we all deserve happiness. Before we sabotage it, let’s learn the difference between a warning sign and looking for issues. The struggle is real…. 

Negative Energy Keeps You Connected To Your Ex

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If there is one thing I wish someone would have told me long ago, it is that negative energy keeps you just as connected (or sometimes even more) to an ex the same way positive energy does. Love and hate keeps us hanging on. That’s why people say that forgiveness is for us. If you do not forgive, you take that ex with you every where you go…including into new relationships. While there is no sure fire way to let go…we all should try. If for no other reason…because we deserve to love and be loved in a healthy manner. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying I know it’s not easy but let go and continue to grow?

The Counterfeit 

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Someone shared this quote by Heather Lindsey on Facebook today and I felt my heart fall into my hand. This was me in the beginning of 2013. Certain events occurred with the ex factor from 2010-2012 to make me search for something God did not intend for me to have yet. So I dated a counterfeit (briefly) who swore he was my husband. I was so heartbroken from the fact that my relationship with the ex factor did not work that I accepted an invitation I would not normally. The guilt is still sometimes too much to bare! I could have lost my life figuratively and literally. As soon as I realized I was in danger, I got out but not without some serious scars! Wait for God’s promise for you! I know it’s hard because I feel like I’m forever on a waiting list for everything great in life! The wait is so apart of the process! We are worth it! ~KJM on Charm School Monday

Accepting One Too Many Apologies That Left Me Empty (My 29 Year Old Mistake)

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If there was something I could say to my 29 year old self, I would say…even at 29 you will be making mistakes and growing. Guard your heart every step of the way and try to learn from your 15 year old self. She still has so much to teach you. Realize that if a boy can’t commit to you, can’t say he loves you, and always gives blanket apologies, he will never be the person for you. This boy will never be a man. Forgive with all your heart but don’t let people continue to dwell in there for free. Apologies should be filled with actions that match it. If this behavior continues forgive and forget this person. They do not deserve another chance. You have to save your faith, hope, and love for a man who can appreciate you. Do not allow a boy filled with blanket apologies to murder love. Let love flourish…elsewhere…now wiser, stronger, and better…having known what it was like to once not be loved. ~KJM saying we are all a work in progress! I hope you are enjoying a peaceful Sunday!

His EGO Was His Only Concern (My 15 Year Old Mistake)

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If there was something I could say to my 15 year old self…it would be that any boy who makes himself the focus of everything will never be the person for you. More importantly, this boy will never be a man. If he degrades you with a smile and constantly jokes that you are not good enough…run! Julio was always only about Julio which is probably why he is alone without love in his life. I use to think I was the only one he mistreated but now…19 years later when he’s still trying to stop my growth…I realized no woman stayed with him and there is a reason why! ~KJM saying I hope this helps someone out there!

The Pause Button Part 2 (The Ex Factor Fuck Off Edition)

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It’s Serenity Saturday and while I don’t typically write a new blog on Saturdays, this one has been heavy on my heart and a long time coming. Many of us get trapped in pseudo relationships and after they are long over, the exes feel the need to check in on us…frequently. What they are doing is putting us on pause in hopes of finding something better. If they don’t find anything better, they will be back to profess their love and/or care (for the assholes who can’t say the word love) and decide to try to ruin our lives one last time! Unfortunately, there is no one type of man that uses the pause button. Yesterday I discussed Julio and today I will discuss the ex factor. They are like apples and oranges but they both used the pause button on me. Now let me be clear on this. I’m not bitter. I’m actually in a happy place. Elijah is a grown man who can say he loves me and has already said it. I’m just a little frustrated when the resilient cockroaches (Julio) and sewer rats (the ex factor) resurface when no one asked them to! Contrary to popular belief, we women can put an end to the pause button. We essentially control it. However, part of the mind game of these exes is to make you think they control it. So not true! Okay…on to part 2! The ex factor is a sneaky kind of sewer rat. At first glance, he looks and acts perfect unlike Julio where you can see his flaws miles away. Time to take a journey with me into the Pause Button Part 2. Here are the 12 things I want to warn the ex factor’s future ex girlfriend about:

12. HE IS A GORGEOUS MAN WHO WILL PRETEND TO BE THE QUIET BOY NEXT DOOR! When I met the ex factor, he was the tender age of 20. He had been in some relationships and appeared to be all about commitment. It wasn’t until we were 3.5 months in and I got a job in DC did he lay it on me that he did not want a serious relationship! I was already in love with him (to my surprise) so I stayed with him. For the next 5 years we would be on and off again as I moved for my career. With no solid commitment from him, I married my career. Had I known from the jump that he did not want a serious commitment, I would not have gone on the first date with him. Moral here: his innocent boy next door act can only be held up for so long. Here lies a cheater and a deceiver with a coy smile. Girlfriend don’t fall for it! Only good thing about this experience is the day Elijah introduced himself to me (3 weeks before I dumped the ex factor for good), I tackled the commitment question right away. If he wasn’t open to commitment, I wouldn’t be dating him now! We women have to learn from our previous mistakes and grow from it!

11. THE EX FACTOR IS A FOLLOWER AND NOT A LEADER! Whether he was in his early, mid, or late 20s, the ex factor only does the things his “boys” do. He doesn’t have a mind of his own. So if his boys don’t approve it, know that it won’t happen. I know part of this is growing pains because he was so young but that dude is soon to be rounding 30 and still thinks the way he does when he was 20. It won’t occur to him that everyone else was growing while he was being a child until all his friends are happily married.

10. YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER MEET HIS FAMILY! From my experience, the ex factor has never introduced a girl to his parents. This happened even with girls before me. Now I know what you are thinking…maybe he will only introduce his wife to be to them. And while that’s quite possible, you my dear future ex girlfriend have very slim odds of meeting his family! The ex factor has some weird close yet distant relationship with his family. He says he’s very close to them (as he still lives at home with them) but they know nothing about his life. His words not mine. I often wondered if he was some type of serial killer. The thought has been ruled out because I’ve been told time and time again that he is not smart enough to be a serial killer. Hmmm…that brings me to the next one.

9. THE EX FACTOR IS NOT INTELLIGENT! While he has a college degree, this is not the type of man you can talk philosophy, politics, and religion with. Just stay focused on his goods looks and fuck his brains out. There will never be anyone home upstairs!?? I stayed because I generally like a mute man. Quiet and intelligent are my type though…not dumb and mindless!

8. EVERYTHING WILL BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU! Part of his way of putting women down is to make them feel like an option not a priority. When he’s spending time with you, he will be staring at his phone. He will text while you guys are at dinner (the few times he takes you out…that is) and will ultimately look bored. If anyone calls him, he’s gone! It could be the grand opening of the Pizza Hut near his house, he will dump you for it. Late night basketball games with friends and all family events will take priority in his life. The life he will never share with you that is.

7. THE EX FACTOR IS SELFISH IN BED! I use to think we had an awesome sex life until I started to compare it to past partners and Elijah. In 5 years and 3 months, the ex factor made me climax once. The one thing I will give Julio was he knew I wasn’t cuming over the years, would discuss it with me, and then get frustrated by it. Julio knew he wasn’t doing a good job (I guess I did too as I always had to leave him for a better sexual partner). If you have a list of favorite sexual acts, I promise you that the ex factor only does one. He has a big dick and can last long sexually but he will make you do ALL the work. The ex factor will never focus on pleasing you. He will get his and leave you wanting someone else!

6. THE EX FACTOR IS SPITEFUL! He agreed to our taking a break (which I knew was a forever break) when I suggested it. He played it cool when I asked for space. Yet 5 weeks later he was texting me like we never broke up! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because one of his tactics when I was broken up with him for 2 years and living in Richmond was to keep texting me and even left me a voicemail to go around my blocking him on my iPhone. The ex factor does not like to be ignored! Well he’s blocked again and I will never listen to any voicemail he leaves! ✌? Not only that…he’s been fucking with my little sister on social networks by unfriending and refriending her. Dude, she has nothing to do with my decisions. Furthermore, I show your little sister the utmost respect. Please do the same for mine!

5. THE EX FACTOR GIVES BLANKET APOLOGIES! This man will treat you like shit, make you feel like the scum of the earth, and never see anything wrong with his behavior. There were many times I would tell him that I didn’t like the way he treated me and he would respond in one of two ways: (a) I think I treat you great or (b) I already apologized for whatever you are mad at! This boy accepts no responsibility for his actions and words. It takes a grown man to admit he did wrong and grow from it. The ex factor is NOT a grown man. He will stay a boy with that mentality. What I’ve learned is that sorry don’t mean shit. Actions do!

4. EVERYTHING WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR FAULT! Well since he can’t accept responsibility for anything, whose fault do you think it will be that the relationship isn’t working out?! That’s right baby girl…YOURS! You will be the reason for all the unhappiness you feel and all his annoyances. The ex factor will leave you out there every time…making you believe that you are less than a person and are lucky he even deals with you! Get out now! Save your self esteem some blows!

3. THE EX FACTOR LIES THROUGH OMISSION! This man will YES you and your family (if you let him meet anyone that is) to death. He wants to be likable but he’s really just a con artist. Don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth!

2. HE CAN’T BE FAITHFUL! The ex factor and I may have not been officially boyfriend and girlfriend (I’m so embarrassed I let him treat me this way) but he did pledge monogamy and honesty to me. My gut told me over the years that he never kept not one of those promises. Lie after lie, I realized that this deceiver won’t ever change. Good thing I wasn’t all about him during this on and off again mess of a situationship!

1. HE ONLY LOVES WOMEN WHO TREAT HIM BADLY! When the ex factor was in high school, he had two male best friends. His “first love” also went to high school with all of them. Four months into dating him (on one of my weekend trips home from DC), the ex factor told me that he found out from one of his best friends that his “first love” had slept with the other best friend repeatedly behind the ex factor’s back. Did I mention he never got to sleep with this alleged “first love?” He would go on to chase this girl in a way he will never chase you. According to him, she really loves him but made a mistake! Yea repeatedly fucking your best friend sounds like true love to me! To this day…I bet he is still trying to get her ugly ass back (as in a relationship)! I think they actually deserve each other. The ex factor should never be with a faithful woman. And we all know it takes a special kind of hoe to sleep with the homies! ?? Best wishes boo ? ~KJM on Serenity Saturday saying I had to “relax, relate, and release” after writing this blog! “It’s A Different World Form Where You Come From!”

Always Trying To Tear Me Down (The Julio Fuck Off Edition)

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From the moment I met Julio in 1997, he’s been bad for my self esteem. Always pointing out what he didn’t like about my looks and my personality. I grew up around so much domestic violence that I forgot that punching a woman in her face is not the only terrible thing a person can do. Tearing down your spirit, looks, intelligence, and heart are just as damaging as being physically abused. I don’t know how I could have dated this person much less call them friend for so long. ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying never let anyone treat you like you are less than! 

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