Kingston Expressions

Writer, Editor, & Lifestyle Blogger: Sex, Lust, Love, Celibacy & More 🥰 A woman not afraid to walk in her truth....in style of course 👠 💄

When The “I Love You” Leaves You Feeling Blue! (Too Soon To Say Edition)

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Happy Charm School Monday! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and managed to beat the heat! Randomly…I had a three day weekend in which I did myself a favor and stayed inside for most of the weekend. I am rested! And before this week’s work stress turns me into my normal crazy self…I’m helping you kick off your Monday just right! It seems here at Kingston Expressions we enjoy flashing back when it’s not actually flashback Friday! But as long as there’s a lesson to be learned…it’s worth going back in time when needed! Last night, Grace and I were talking about early January 2016 when Elijah unexpectedly ended one of our late night text conversations with the words “love you.” For the record, even then, I didn’t think Elijah was IN love with me but I figured he was trying to signal a change in our relationship. Maybe wanting to know where my feelings were as I was always holding back from the beginning. I saw the “love you” at around 10:30pm on January 10, 2016. Surprised and startled, I headed to bed without responding. The next morning at 4:27am, yes I know the exact time because I still have the “love you” screen shot photo on my phone, I text Nicole and Grace frantically! Like what did this mean? It had only been 3.5 months since we had been dating. And even that short time period had been filled with so much ups and downs. Elijah pumping the breaks in November…me pumping the breaks every other month! I knew I was not in love with him but when I dropped the news on Tiffany and she said that it was too soon for Elijah to be saying “love you”….I defended Elijah’s right to do so. No one knows the minute nor the hour someone falls in love but that person and God! But truth be told, in this case, Tiffany was right! I was scared shitless because this whole thing could blow up in my face and ruin my new romance! While I waited for Nicole and Grace to tell me how to respond….I did respond to Elijah in the morning by saying good morning and telling him I was on my way to work. He replied right away…mind you this was at 6am. So I knew he had been waiting for my reply since the night before! I never actually responded to the “love you” until maybe 2 weeks later. While trying to find the right words of what I wanted to say, I took a poll from my male and female friends. My female friends said there was a big difference between “I love you” and “love you.” The first signifies being IN love while the latter signifies having love for a person! This brought me some comfort. Like I cared about Elijah and wanted to work things out but I didn’t want this “love you” thing to set us back. The guys said there’s no difference for men! Love you is the same as I love you! The reason for this is both my brother and my best friend reminded me that men are simple creatures! No decent man would open up that Pandora’s box for shits and giggles! Matter of fact…men try to avoid those words all together especially if they don’t know if the woman loves them! Wow…men and women are so different! Come to think of it…I’ve used love you a few times and didn’t mean IN Love….with Crazy, with my college sweetheart though we both knew I didn’t mean it and he made me take it back, and you now know…with Elijah. Grace explained to me that I couldn’t leave him hanging on such a huge topic…no matter how he meant it! “Sometimes you have to use love as Jesus loves us and pray that love will come,” is what Grace suggested! She’s pretty wise and I didn’t want to lose Elijah so I returned the exact “love you” randomly two weeks later. On our next date night…I straight up asked Elijah if he meant what he said. First, he pretended not to know what I was referring to…then his eyes focused in on me (like he was trying to see into my soul) and then he got a huge smile on his face….and in that moment….he kissed me and that was the last of it. We never spoke about it again. I think…he just wanted to know that…I was with him…breathing him, living for him, and loving him in some capacity…in that very moment. I don’t think either one of us thought the other was IN love but we understood that we both wanted to move forward. Even though things didn’t work out with Elijah, I honestly tried my hardest with him. I’m not sure what he wanted and maybe he didn’t know either. So when I see him avoiding me when we are on mutual turf…I get so confused. I’ve always been cordial and professional. Very few people in our professional circle even know we dated. Our lives went on as if we never dated. It’s been 4 and a half months since I ended things with Elijah. I thought I gave him what he wanted….there’s no way he could truly love and care for me the way he treated me. He literally left me soaked in the rain and I could no longer fight for something that wasn’t meant to be. If we had been IN love…that would have been a different story. I would have replied to all his messages from this summer! But we weren’t IN love so all is lost. If we had been in love…his “hi and how are you’s” would have been enough for me to say lets work on it. But we weren’t IN love and since we were never friends…there seemed no reason to even respond to Elijah. He never poured his heart out in any of the messages! Instead…he sent out what I like to call…feelers. Like is she still interested? But he didn’t come for me like a man in love…ready to fight for us. And with his mature age and life experiences…he should have known that that’s what it would have taken to get some sort of response out of me! Before I go today…I do want to, however, say that Elijah taught me so much about myself. When it was just he and I…it was just us…a first for me. I was open and trying but it just seemed like we both needed something or someone else. I named him Elijah because he represented hope to me. I will never forget those walks and kisses in the rain. Will never forget his firm grip when he use to pull me close and kiss me. Won’t forget the few laughs we had. Mostly, I won’t forget the “love you” coming at a time I had already waited 5 and a half years for the man I truly loved, the Ex Factor, to say it to me! Elijah’s “love you” kept me going and surprisingly kept me open to the Ex Factor when he finally used those words in May. It remains to be seen how the Ex Factor meant it….~KJM on Charm School Monday saying I’m not sure what the proper response is to a “love you” too soon or an “I love you” too soon for that matter! Have a deep talk with your mind and your heart and then figure out how to proceed. I did what I thought was best at the time… 

School Is Back In Session! (The Puppy Pisses All Over My Fucking Carpet Edition)

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Hello all! It’s Temptation Tuesday and I’m stuck in Lincoln Tunnel traffic (via bus of course). Great time to blog about what I consider straight craziness! TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH A MAN! ? It’s like one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done! The Ex Factor speaks Chinese and I’m over here speaking Korean! From the looks of it….we should understand each other but looks are deceiving! Not one damn word is getting understood! I’m a very vocal woman and won’t hesitate to stand up for myself but the Ex Factor, over the years, has been my weakness! Even when I’m sick of looking at him…or hearing him speak (I like a nice mute man which he typically is 99% of the time but that 1% when he speaks?! Fuck My Life)….I still love him! Madness I tell you! Complete madness! I’m trying to do what Toi and Grace suggested by speaking up for myself and I’m trying to be as understanding and patient as Willow suggested while I follow her advice…and trust the process! My village is abuzz! But we all have different types of men in our lives! Mine is speaking Chinese to me and my inner Korean wants to get a brick and do some damage!? Just joking of course because…like…I am a lady!? Good thing the requirements of a lady changes depending on your region! Jersey in the house!?? And lawd knows Kingston, Jamaica women don’t play either! Learn that from Mama Michaels! Now putting down the brick again…sigh…I try to explain in what areas our communication needs to improve! I’ve really had to “wild him up!” Meaning I’ve had to go straight buck wild and let him know not to tap into my crazy! I truly believe that half the time…he has no clue what he has done to piss me off! It’s like the puppy who keeps pissing on the same spot of my carpet while he’s been flunking out of obedience school! Jesus fix it! ? That thing is trying to jump his pissy ass in my lap to spread love and cuddles while I’m LOSING IT and trying not to send his ass back to the pound! Yup! I went there with my analogy! While Jesus is at it…he better throw me some more patience! Whoosa! Breathe in! Breathe out! And whatever you do try not to shout! ? I…am…always…a…work…in…progress! But you know this since you are my faithful readers! ? Side note…I would hate to think of what his puppy analogy for me would be!? Thank goodness the Ex Factor doesn’t blog! But I digress…and that is my temptation today…to avoid getting off track and staying the course with my mind, body, and soul! Today I asked the Ex Factor to stop challenging my womanhood! If I did similar things to him…it would not challenge his manhood. But men and women and their survival codes are so different! What makes a woman great is straight up divine and magical…all at the same damn time! The core of me will never match the core of him. I am woman and I deserve to be loved and appreciated! I want to be wanted by him and only him (for now at least because he has to get his shit together)…and he couldn’t understand me saying I didn’t feel wanted. This is one of the main reasons why I left him last September. There Elijah was smiling bright at just seeing me walk down the hall. Elijah’s dark chocolate skin would glow when I was just within inches of him! It was mesmerizing to see how he reacted to me. I didn’t just feel wanted…I felt ADORED! As a matter of fact….Elijah still looks at me that way! Did I not mention that he’s back and for the next couple weeks we may be indirectly working together? Turned a corner yesterday and there he was…with that winning smile. Now before you get any ideas…I don’t want Elijah back! Not feeling a rip in my asshole and a “Jack Rabbit” vibrator being shoved in my vagina! That’s so November 2015! Lol! I can laugh about that shit now but it sure wasn’t funny then! I do, however, intend to do what some women in my position would do…bring him to his knees and just climax off of that sight! ? Oh Elijah…you weren’t good to me huh? Should have met me at the train station back in April? Regrets boo?! Got your favorite color dress (army green) on along with my favorite pair of heels to symbolically…crush…your…motherfucking balls! Puppies may confuse me but I was put on this earth to train old dogs!?? And since Old Kingston is back….first thing she loves to do is settle a score! Now don’t worry my dear readers…I’m in a professional environment! I won’t even exchange a word with Elijah with exception of the professional hello! The kiss my ass will be understood though…trust and believe! And since I have been read receipting his messages going all the way back to May…this is going to be even more entertaining! But I do have to be careful though because there is a point where old dogs get turned on by having their balls crushed! I just need my 4 inch heels to reach his pain threshold and then release him from it…never to do so again so he doesn’t get addicted!? By the way….where are the basic bitches Elijah so desperately wanted to turn me into? Did they flee because of his 1,500 dollar only ring proposal? Or did he get mad that they bought Trident Gum instead of Big Red? You know there is a huge financial difference between the two?! Elijah and his basic bitch could use that extra 75 cents to go towards their life savings?!? But I digress! Tiffany, are you enjoying this? You are really the only reader that knows up close and personal what a special asshole Elijah is! Yet…I wish him well!? Back to obedience school…and the puppy is still my focus…sigh ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying I always feel like lesbians have it easier but unfortunately…I’m straight ? So on goes the daily Chinese and Korean conversations between the Ex Factor and I! Pray for us…we really do need a miracle! Lol. 

What Is The Status Of My Relationship With Myself (The Harmony Edition)

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It’s Charm School Monday and we have lots of work to do! Grab a pen, a pad, and some holy water because things are just that deep! On the evening of Serenity Saturday, the Ex Factor and I got into a huge argument. It was one of those conversations that started off innocently enough via text and ended in World War II! Sometimes he can be a real asshole (unbeknownst to him) and this was one of those times. Now I won’t give you the details of the argument because as you stay on this journey with me (and with us) I can’t expose all of our issues. But I promise to share the life lessons as I explore and learn them. My reasoning for this is in case we do one day go the distance and he becomes my future spouse…I won’t be able to take back the things I put in writing…not that I would even want to. Though it was easier to write about him when he was my confusing past than now when he is my confusing present. Back to the ass at hand…there he was thinking of only himself and me being very sensitive. He is not holding up his end of all the things we agreed on. The Ex Factor is actually delivering LESS than what we discussed. And I just lost it where I was (he was not with me) and burst out crying! I always have Grace on speed dial and so I anxiously started to text her the situation! Even she has run out of scriptures to bless him with! ? Bless her heart for trying to begin with. I think we all know I’m dealing with a special type of demon! I proceeded to cuss him out (without using curse words) via text. At one point, all he sent was a question mark! I don’t know what happened after that because I blocked him until the next day! Then I decided that you can’t hide from the devil…he will sooner or later catch up with you! You cannot block him either! You must look him in the eyes and say “devil I rebuke you! You have no power over me!” So as I laid in my bed all of Sunday not eating and just crying and sleeping I tried to figure out a way to do so. I returned some phone calls and texts of some of my closest friends and I made a few calls to others. To be honest, I wasn’t sure who I was going to discuss the issue with besides Grace. I was ashamed! I’m too smart, too beautiful, and too much of a great person to put up with half this shit! Where to go? What to do? Then it occurred to me…what would Kingston do? Of course because I am Kingston and I’m sitting in my own mess…I couldn’t answer that question! It then dawned on me that there is only one person who could answer that question…my west coast twin, Harmony! Harmony and I are almost the same person but are living on different coasts! She is one of my newest friends as our friendship started in Spring of 2009 and took off full swing in 2013 when she had to literally hold me up as I recuperated from that Mister Toss Salad fiasco! She’s become a driving force in my life…mainly because we think the same on so many levels and we don’t judge each other! We are both Daddy’s girls, entrepreneurs, and part of the “I never want to get married and have children club!” She truly gets me. Even some of our family issues are similar. Harmony knows that I’ve seen the women in my family get the shit beat out of them and spat on by the men that claimed to love them as they went back to these controlling men! I started to think maybe I’m no different from the women in my family….while no man has ever dared to hit me and many have tried to control me and failed…I still have a man in my life that is not loving me the way I need to be loved! That’s when I picked up the phone and made that west coast call! Harmony picked up right away and I immediately told her the situation and how embarrassed I was by it! First thing she pointed out was that there was no need to be embarrassed! Being a strong woman does not mean that I won’t go through shit! It’s how I handle my struggles that determines strength! At that moment, I started to cry (which my friends will tell you I rarely do). The second thing she asked was…what about my relationship with myself? Where am I currently with myself? She explained that she can’t tell me whether to leave the Ex Factor or not…that’s for me and only me to decide! But what she’s worried about is the current status of my relationship with myself after Elijah and now the Ex Factor! I mean I’ve taken such a mental beating with them both! Elijah is really a nonfactor….he’s just a lesson I had to learn. But the Ex Factor is not someone who just goes away. Harmony told me that my focus needs to be on my relationship with myself because if I’m okay…no matter what comes my way…I will continue to be okay! She didn’t attack the Ex Factor (even though he would deserve it)….she told me to WOMAN UP and make sure that I’m okay first and foremost! At that moment, I stopped crying and I knew right then and there that I was done crying about the argument…at least for now…or hopefully for good. What Harmony was essentially saying….was that Old Kingston always had a strong relationship with herself and certain aspects of her should never disappear. So I laid my plan out…all summer I have been taking vacations by myself….I have another vacation planned in 3 weeks! That will help rejuvenate myself. Until then…this blog, work, and all the activities I enjoy doing should be my my main focus. My money, my career, my livelihood, and my happiness are all more important than the Ex Factor and will always be! So I’m counting down to my next…it’s all about me vacation and I’m going to let the chips fall with the Ex Factor where they may! Sometimes you have to give people the same fucking energy they put into you!✌?️ And I’m still open to meeting other guys! The one thing I’m changing is I don’t want one to choose me like Mister Toss Salad and Elijah did…these men are predators looking for a broken wing! I’m stronger than that! I’ve been choosing my men since I started dating! Daddy says I should always be choosing them…not waiting to be chose…so that these boys know that I’m the prize because I’m in the position to choose anyone I want!?? Yasss! And I think I know just where I’m going to start too…? I am the master of my own destiny! Old Kingston is back and in full effect! Lawd knows I never had an issue keeping more than one boy/man at a time!?? And I truly believe when the right one presents himself and has done the work on himself…Old and New Kingston will merge and soar at being a great spouse!?? Until then…it’s back to Kingston 101! No need to love like a wife when I’m not one. I’m just in a situationship that at times seems promising and other times seems devastating. I cannot tell you what’s next for the Ex Factor and I! I am a Gemini so what that means is today I could be speaking to him and tomorrow I could finally pronounce him dead in my heart (like I did Julio in 2007) and move on! Either way I’m going to be happy because my happiness has me at the center of my universe! I want to take a moment and shout out that dude named Phoenix! While we have parted ways…from 2004-2014, Phoenix (hopefully single most of that time but I don’t know for sure. Lol) gave me a sense of freedom that I think every woman should have before she marries! No matter what state I lived in, I could jump into Desire (my car), get on 95 S or 95 N, and drive 3-6 hours to see Phoenix! He was my doctor…he could patch me up from any heartbreak and just be this awesome, funny, and sexy friend! Then I could leave him and spend years…if I wanted…discovering myself and not being tied to anyone. My heart was free at times and enslaved at other times but Phoenix would wash my feet and make me his priority for however long I needed him to! So grateful for my number one side piece…Phoenix! Don’t judge me? ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Love you Harmony! You are a boss chick and I admire that about you! Thanks for being there to catch me!? 

The Time My Ex Moved On To A Better Woman (Or So He Thought)

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Yesterday Junior, Willow, and I had two separate conversations about exes announcing to us that they are doing well…after we long broke up. It made me want to revisit the ex known as Julio! Once again, it ain’t Throwback Thursday nor Flashback Friday but we are still going to go back in time! ?? Hold on to your seat belts because it’s about to be a rocky ride! For those of you who haven’t been reading the blog from the beginning, Julio is my first love that I have known for 19 years! The first 10 of those years we dated on and off…it was a complete roller coaster! It’s these 10 years that I will reflect on today. Julio told me he loved me the first day we met. It was the night of my sophomore semi formal in high school and it was indeed a special night. It took me until about 1.5 years later to return his love though when I reflect on it now…I fell the same night he did…I just didn’t fall easily and fought it every step of the way as a teenager. When we became young adults, that’s when I tried really hard to make things work with Julio. He grew colder and colder over the years and those years will always be remembered as my very own “trail of tears.” Every time we would split up, I would focus on myself and my education as Julio roamed the tri state area for his wife and mother of his children. When I was 15 years old, I told Julio that I never wanted to have children. It took meeting and falling in love with the Ex Factor for me to realize that I didn’t want to have just any man’s child…he had to be my GREAT love! Hands down as scared as I am of being pregnant…if the Ex Factor wanted 10 children then by the grace of God…we would have 10 children! That’s how deep my love runs for him. But back to the story at hand. It was my sophomore year of college and some how Julio had managed to get my apartment phone number from one of my family members. We had been broken up for about a year and had not spoken since. But there my phone was…ringing…and it was him. Julio uttered the words “I am engaged!” And I secretly lost it. It never occurred to me at that moment in time that he went to all that trouble of finding me in State College, PA to tell me he was…HAPPY! Folks…if you take no other lesson from this blog, please take this one…no one who is truly happy has the time nor the energy to find their ex and announce it! There’s trouble in the waters! Trust and believe that! When you are living it….you think…omg…he’s found the ONE! But truth be told that shit was around year 2000/2001 and it’s now 2016…and Julio still ain’t found shit!?? Now I’m not saying this to rejoice! My own personal story hasn’t been easy but as an adult I never did Julio like how he did me. He got several of my family members wanting to beat his ass in the streets for real! But I digress….whoosa! Lol. If you are wondering what happened to his fiancé….she cheated and is now married with children to the guy she cheated on him with! Julio told me this in November 2015 when he said she tried to friend request him on Facebook! Now pause…I swear I’m not laughing. All I’m saying is Karma is a bitch that just don’t care!? She will do you dirty every time. For every tear I cried when he announced his engagement….I am sure he cried double if not triple when that shit fell apart! But wait…it don’t stop there! I’m only giving you the highlights of what happened that first 10 years of us trying to make it work! This one pains me but it must be said. As I’ve mentioned before, at the end of my first year in graduate school…as I waited for my grades from a very difficult program…Julio pulled the rug from under me and broke up with me! Let’s go back before this breakup… As I waited for my grades, I told Julio I was so worried because it was such a difficult program but it was my DREAM program. He suggested if I didn’t pass all my classes (FYI I had never failed anything nor had a reason to believe I had failed but anxiety just got the best of me as I waited), I could take time off to give birth to his children and maybe go back to school in a couple years!? When I told him that wasn’t going to work for me, he broke it off with me and that would always be our last and final real breakup! He left me when I needed his love and support! As a matter of fact, in the 19 years I have known Julio…he had only showed up for me ONCE and that was when all the craziness was going on as I tried to run from the Mister Toss Salad relationship! Other than that, Julio was never there for me! He even handed my heart over to the Ex Factor! The Ex Factor supported me in small ways that he will never understand how much it meant to me when I had finished graduate school and was on my face financially! The Ex Factor took what he had and fed me…physically and emotionally while Julio looked on with his money in hand just watching me suffer! Now y’all get why in January 2016 when Julio asked me to give him another chance…I told him about Elijah and refused to take Julio back! In 2007, he broke my heart and my spirit and must forever live with that! I healed but not because of him and his selfish ways. Julio left me to die yet I thrived! God is good all of the time!?? Interestingly enough, the Christmas of my second year in my graduate program…I was in the mall with Junior, Brenda, and some of my cousins. We all split up to shop for Christmas presents for each other. I didn’t know until a few days later when Junior broke the news to me…that he and one of my male cousins had ran into Julio…arm in arm with some chick. That was probably 6 months after we split for good! He was never arm in arm with me shopping anywhere. I cried and cried. This woman went on to be pregnant for him many times but they were never able to bring a living breathing baby into the world. Even with all the hurt Julio brought to me…I would never wish anyone such pain. I am really sorry for all their losses.?? And so Julio moved on and on. Moving in with this one and that one. Treating them all like gold when I was nothing to him. It’s 2016…and he is still begging me to take him back! Not only am I not in love with Julio and am no longer attracted to him, but I would never want such a man as the father of my children. He’s not good enough and the way he treated me over the last 19 years as a boyfriend, lover, and friend is living proof. I promise you I rejoice in none of this. I am sorry for the things he went through chasing love with others while running away from a good and solid love. Julio said love, marriage, and children would continue without me…and so far…they haven’t. I try to remember all of this while I interact with the Ex Factor. You see…I am the Julio in our situation. Each time…he takes me back and asks me little questions but there is always an emotional price to pay. He is more closed off and less trusting each time I come back. ? The Ex Factor has put me through a lot but he has never left me nor told me any woman was higher than me…that wasn’t related to him. So I try to gain patience because I now know that love will never do without him. No Phoenix, no Mister Toss Salad, no Elijah, and damn sure no Julio will ever replace the Ex Factor! So I take what I have learned and try to apply them to my life. I could waste my whole life waiting on the Ex Factor to grow up but if he is in fact the love of my life…no day will ever be wasted. Each day, instead, will be our “Voyage to Atlantis” and we will always come back to each other. It’s a huge risk…but by being patient and putting in the work…what I’m actually saying to the Ex Factor is…“Our friends think we’re opposites Falling in and out of love They all said we’d never last Still we manage to stay together There’s no easy explanation for it But whenever there’s a problem We always work it out somehow Work it out somehow They said it wouldn’t last We had to prove them wrong Cause I’ve learned in the past That love will never do without you Other guys have tried before To replace you as my lover Never did I have a doubt Boy it’s you I can’t do without I feel better when I have you near me Cause no other love around Has quite the same ooh ooh (ha ha ha!) Like you do do do do babe They said it wouldn’t last We had to prove them wrong Cause I’ve learned in the past That love will never do without you” by Janet Jackson ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying thanks to all who supported the Ex Factor and I. And thank you to all who doubted us! We…are…still…standing ? 

The Life And Times Of The Alpha Female (The Myths And Truths Edition)

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Happy Charm School Monday! Get your paper and pen ready because we are boldly going where few have gone…into the life and times of the Alpha Female! Let’s get started on some myths and truths! MYTH 10: THE ALPHA FEMALE DOES NOT EXIST! Well she sure does! I am living proof that she is not a myth. The Alpha Female is alive and well! Breathing life and conquering the world with every move she makes! MYTH 9: THE ALPHA FEMALE CAN ONLY BE CREATED BY ANOTHER ALPHA FEMALE! The Alpha Female is a survivor! She can be created out of necessity! A higher force drives her. She may be born in burnt ashes and still rise!?? This Alpha Female, however, was created by an Alpha Male, Papa Michaels! He has always supported and encouraged me to be a tiger at all I do! And he loved me from the moment he found out I was a girl…never wishing I was a boy! Love you Daddy!? MYTH 8: THE ALPHA FEMALE HAS NO DESIRE TO BE MARRIED NOR HAVE CHILDREN! Each woman, Alpha Female or not, has her own plan in life. A husband and children does not hold the Alpha Female back. They may very well be part of her divine plan. The point is…it is HER plan and she can write her story however she wants to!?? MYTH 7: THE ALPHA FEMALE IS A LESBIAN! Um…definitely not. We can be straight, lesbians, or just straight up have no desire to be identified as any gender! It’s our natural born given right to define ourselves how we see fit…not how society sees us!?? MYTH 6: IF THE ALPHA FEMALE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN, SHE MUST DOMINATE HIM! Sigh…this one really gets us into trouble. Most married Alpha Females that I know are a dominant force in their careers but tread lightly in their marriage. However, they are not weak in marriage! Far from it! But they have learned the hard way that emasculating a man they have sworn to love isn’t about being an Alpha Female…it’s about being a control freak! Unless she wants to end up divorced, the Alpha Female uses her strength and power to build up her husband and children without dimming her own light! Love should never be about control. And truth be told, the essence of the Alpha Female is not about control either! It’s about her right to be a great force in her own life! She is the ruler of her own destiny! MYTH 5: THE ALPHA FEMALE LOVES TO CUT A MAN’S BALLS OFF! True Alpha Females may accidentally emasculate a man in work or love. Fake alpha females will walk around talking about they run shit and they give true Alpha Females a bad name! Run yourself… A true Alpha Female does not have to beat her chest to prove a point! She moves with strength silently so that no one sees her coming. Even her love is full of strength! The Alpha Female is built to be the equal partner of her spouse! If he falls or has a hard day, they won’t have to worry about much because she’s got him! ?? Plus you know balls confuse some of us (like me), so until we figure out what to do with them…we would prefer that our men have theirs in tact!? MYTH 4: THE ALPHA FEMALE DOES NOT FEEL LIKE SHE NEEDS ANYONE! Now not even the Alpha Male can survive this life alone. Like the Alpha Male….the Alpha Female needs love, family, friendship, and a full life. The thing with her is if life didn’t hand her all of these things…she continues to thrive…and work towards her true destiny and purpose while creating her own opportunities along the way. The Alpha Female’s wants and needs with always be fulfilled because she is at the center of her own universe! Her needs do not fall to the wayside as she takes on other responsibilities and grows in love and life. The Alpha Female is a balanced woman. There’s nothing she cannot do when she puts her mind to it! MYTH 3: THE ALPHA FEMALE IS A PROVIDER! For the most part, this myth is true! The Alpha Female’s ability to take care of herself will always be her driving force to reach higher in life! She’s unstoppable! Essentially she sets herself up in a way, where if she is falling…she can catch her damn self!?? MYTH 2: THE ALPHA FEMALE HATES OTHER WOMEN! The Alpha Female is a mentor! She is a lover of all women. If she sees one trying to advance in their career…she should make herself available to guide, answers questions, and give a listening ear to any woman who may need her help! There’s really enough room for us all to live in this world. So if you spot a woman who is successful yet petty and spiteful…she is a fake alpha female! Being an Alpha Female takes more than being successful in your career and in life…it takes setting the stage for up and coming Alpha Females!?? MYTH 1: THE BEST PARTNER FOR THE ALPHA FEMALE IS AN ALPHA MALE! I beg to differ…the best mate for me (the Ex Factor) thus far is not an Alpha Male. He’s laid back yet strong. He is my polar opposite, in a good way, that balances me out. While I have dated a lot of fake alpha males (Julio and Elijah for sure) and may not know much about this particular topic, I think real Alpha Males may not pair well with real Alpha Females! I can’t see a lion and a tiger in a cage making out very well! Now I am not saying that there aren’t Alpha Males and Females paired off together successfully! It is very possible that this combination works for some. As for me, I need the balance. A silently strong man who picks and chooses his battles wisely as he loves and cares for me…is where I feel at peace the best. The greatest words the Ex Factor ever said to me were…“I am not trying to change you!” And so I let out a sigh of relief and continued on with our lives.? ~KJM on Charm School Monday saying whether you are an Alpha Female or not…make sure you are the master of your own destiny! Life is too short to be lead astray by this world? 

Fighting The Ego (The Wait For The Lord Edition)

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Happy Serenity Saturday! I have to be honest…I am feeling anything but serene today. Didn’t get much sleep because there’s so much on my mind. New Kingston has been battling old Kingston and thus, things haven’t been easy. Let me start off by saying I am always a work in progress!?? The Lord is not done with me and praise God because there’s so much work that needs to be done on my mind, body, and spirit! As I step into the unknown with the Ex Factor and other areas of my life, I find old Kingston creeping up wanting to make drastic hasty decisions. Sometimes I want to run. Sometimes I want to stand and fight. Other times I am just too exhausted to decide which way to go! The Ex Factor pushes a lot of buttons and asks for patience in places I don’t believe they exist. He is asking for a lot and he has done very little growth on himself. Essentially, he is the same person he was in 2010…only more guarded and closed off. Sigh…great more work for me to do! ? While I ponder whether to leave him again, a little voice is saying be patient! Now you guys know how I struggle with patience!!! I wish the word didn’t exist…unless it is being used in association with others being patient with me.? I am being serious! Of course, we want others to have mercy on us in our times of miscommunication and misdirection! We want all the goodies but dishing it out is HARD WORK! And while I contemplate the status of my situationship with the Ex Factor…it dawned on me that the relationship that really needs help is me and God!? If I was laying it all at HIS feet, I would never worry nor let any negative thoughts rob me of my sleep! I am not TRUSTING in the LORD nor WAITING on the LORD!?? Instead I am laying in my bed at night wrapped up with ego and pride! Pride says block the Ex Factor! Ego says cuss him out and let him know who he is really dealing with. But hold up…who is he really dealing with? My ego and pride! Not who the real Kingston truly is. Not the Kingston who hands over her life and her career to GOD. So why is it that it’s so hard to trust the LORD in my romantic life? It’s already written that HE walks with me and HE protects me! So what am I sad and worried about? I have lived out testimonies where HE has dragged me out of the fire and did not allow anything to touch me! When I was lost HE always came and got me! So why am I tripping! HE is there! My faith is what needs strengthening! Once that relationship is solid then no matter what comes my way…I will be fine. Lastly, I reminded my brother, Junior, of 3 things I learned from my 10 years on and off with Julio: 1. Our final and real break up happened at the end of my first year of graduate school. Julio wanted a family NOW and I didn’t. Truth be told, he was never supportive when it came to my educational endeavors. So me continuing school made him uneasy. As I WAITED for my first year grades in a difficult program to come back…Julio broke things off! Marriage and children will continue without me…is the message I got from him. I cried and cried. The last thing I said to him (over the phone) was “we were suppose to get married and have children.” And he still let me go. That was May 2007. It’s July 2016 and Julio is still unhappily single with no children!!! And I never took him back! I say all of this to ask…is my future relationship just about having a family by any means necessary with anyone or is it about who I want to build my life with?! Marriage and family were never in my forever future plan. The men I loved/love want these things…on their timing! I am just trying to stay on God’s time! And boy is that work! Well…mainly because I’m still trying to control everything! ??? 2. When I fell for the Ex Factor in Summer 2010, Julio was actively in my life as my friend and still was trying to see if there was hope for us. The lesson here is if there is a greater love for me than the Ex Factor…God will remove the Ex Factor. I won’t have to do it! HE removed Julio from my romantic life in 2010 and I have known him now for 19 years so that was no easy feat! Nothing like the power of the Lord!?? 3. When Julio broke things off in 2007, I was very good to him. I threw no stones and put my ego and pride aside even when he was shitting on me. I left that relationship with my head held high and Julio has to forever live with the fact that he wasn’t good to me. I really need to do the same with the Ex Factor. Ego and pride feels so good when you telling someone where to go and stooping to their level but in the end, you can’t hold your head up high unless you were the best you…you could be in that situation! So in January 2016, I easily told Julio NO we aren’t going to try again! I am NOT his fall back person. I should have been his FIRST choice and he should have been patient, supportive of my education, and supportive of my career! I stayed blessed even with all the obstacles I faced because I was the best Kingston I could be when I exited that relationship! I love hard but when my heart fully closes…it is CLOSED! With all this in mind, I realized there’s really no need for ego and pride! God has it handled! 10 years on and off with Julio….he let me go and the next 9 years were full of him asking if we could try again! God don’t sleep! So I wait on the Lord and I trust in the Lord! Being patient…but if you catch me slipping remind me of this blog! ~KJM saying “whoosa” on Serenity Saturday!???? 

Long Term Boo Wouldn’t Commit So She Jumped Ship…Right Into Some Shit

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Typically I do not blog about celebrities here at Kingston Expressions. The one exception to that rule is when their lives happen to go with a current theme I’m writing about. Today I want to talk a little about the rumor that Keisha Knight-Pulliam and Ed Hartwell are getting a divorce after 7 months of marriage. First, let me say that I have never been married so I won’t pretend to know nor speculate what happened. Second, I’m praying for them both…especially Keisha since she recently announced that she is pregnant with her first child. Lastly, I pray that they either find a way to reconcile or find their true happiness wherever it may lie. Now to the good stuff! What I want to talk about today is the time period prior to them getting married…the courtship! According to blogs like Bossip, Keisha had been dating Big Tigger for years, they split, and 4 months after dating former NFL Football Player, Ed Hartwell, her and Ed had a SURPRISE New Year’s Eve Wedding (just 7 months ago). Let’s back up before the SURPRISE! I do not know what happened between Keisha and Big Tigger…but I sure know what it feels like to be on and off with a man that hasn’t seriously committed! Some days I feel like throwing a brick through the Ex Factor’s window…metaphorically of course. ? 6 years on and off and like we have only taken baby steps. He’s young as fuck so I’m trying to learn patience. Nahhh actually let me keep it all the way the fuck real! I’ve left his ass so many times for other men (like Elijah) with better resumes, more money, and ready to commit. In that shitty process, I learned the motherfucking grass is brown with patches on the other side!!!! Now I’m not saying that I’ve given up on the fact that there may be a greater love for me than the Ex Factor nor the fact that I deserve way more!!! What I’m saying is I’ve learned that not everything that glitters is gold boo! I have run up on so much fake jewelry that I’m skipping the PAWN shop and am running to the PORN shop because at least it’s somewhat entertaining unlike the life I found without the Ex Factor!!! Another lesson I learned is you can trick your mind but you damn sure can’t trick your heart into thinking you can replace one man with another!!! I can always get me a new man but is the pending marriage about who I am getting married to or just getting married period! Like do I know a thing about the person I am marrying? Did we go into it prepared to do the WORK? Or did I just get caught up in the fact that this man could commit?! I’m not judging because lawd knows I’ve been there and with my old ways creeping up on me…could be back there soon!? No one is saying wait for a man to commit forever! Damn sure not saying that!!! But be patient with yourself and him. We are on GOD’s time not ours! When we rush HIS plan our lives become a hot mess! Speaking from experience here! I would only do marriage because I found the man I want to love/hate for the rest of my life! Not just because a man can commit! He could be committing my ass straight to hell in a hand basket and that’s the truth!!! Mr. Toss Salad is a prime example of this!!! I pray for Keisha and Ed as they go through this process publicly! It is already getting messy as he is requesting a paternity test! Now that’s another topic for another time. But now let me put this brick down and go text this fool and get my shit together! Jesus be a fence because the struggle is real…and so is this brick! ??~KJM dropping an unexpected blog on Hump Day!? 

My Definition Of Leaving A Woman Naked And Uncovered (Emotionally)

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It’s like being beaten a million times. Burned alive. Road kill. Broken. Bruised. Feeling like the world’s joke. Unappreciated. Used. Degraded. Disrespected. Violated by someone you were suppose to be able to trust. And then left alive for your heart to continuously tell the story of your living death. That’s the best way I can describe being a woman left naked and uncovered by the man she truly loves. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying…it takes a lot to go through all of that and still be open to love. God bless women ?? 

Left Naked And Uncovered (The Humiliation Edition)

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Yesterday I wrote about what it’s like to try to settle with someone who turned out not to be who they claimed to be. There’s so much wrong about this statement that I’m not sure where to begin. Let’s go back in time again and revisit how there even became a Mr. Toss Salad, an Elijah, and a Phoenix. For all the men reading this, please truly take it to heart. I’m actually speaking from my experience. You see…he (the Ex Factor) left me uncovered. There I was…a woman with my heart open loving a man who was not loving me (in deeds nor words). In a way I went through something similar with Julio except he could say the L word and when he wanted to be…he was all about love and commitment. But Julio used things against me from the past to keep us trapped in time. As he got older, he just got more bitter and last we spoke in January 2016…nothing had change. For the record, I don’t think Julio’s current bitterness has anything to do with me. I think it’s from heartaches and disappointments from all his relationships but only he knows for sure why. ENTER PHOENIX: Phoenix arrived on the scene in 2004 to fill a gap. To be the friend, lover, and supporter Julio could never be to me. That was the birth of Phoenix. ?Men, women have needs and despite what you think…there’s always someone there to meet those needs. Phoenix and I may not being seeing eye to eye lately but I’m a better person for having known him. He would go on to hold me when I hadn’t been held in years, touch me in caring ways, and support me and my career in a way no other man has ever had. And I’m forever grateful for him…no matter how messy his life can be at times. Phoenix never left me uncovered and never brought any of his mess to my door. And thank goodness for that!?? For years, Phoenix did the job of all the men who would come into my life and fail me…the Ex Factor was no different….he would end up failing me more times than Julio! With both Mr. Toss Salad and Elijah I was not looking nor wanting a new relationship after leaving my years of situationship with the Ex Factor. Believe it or not…I almost never go searching for a new relationship. The devil always brings one by…right on time too. ENTER MR.TOSS SALAD: My emotional state when Mr. Toss Salad entered my life in full force was one of vulnerability and insecurity. My heart was in such a bad condition that my eyes could not see past it. I felt used, neglected, abused, and left on the side of the road with my dying heart. Essentially, I felt uncovered by a man who (at that point in time), I had loved with every bit of me for two years. I’m sure to Mr. Toss Salad, it was the opportunity he was waiting for…for over a decade…to catch me naked and uncovered by a man that was suppose to deeply care about me. So there I was…walking around in life with a strong outer shell but a broken inner shell. And I let it happen. I allowed myself to fall deeper and deeper in love with a man that may never be able to love me the way I need to be. I allowed it. And I’m sure most of us have been there. Naked and uncovered. That’s how Mr. Toss Salad was able to get me…there just wouldn’t have been any other way. So when Mr. Toss Salad would hold me for hours with no end in sight…even though he wasn’t my type, I didn’t want to date him, and I wasn’t physically attracted to him…he did the one thing the Ex Factor never did (to this day)…he clothed me with care, attention, support, laughter, prioritized me, and made me feel like a Queen. Mr. Toss Salad attempted to cover me. That was the birth of Mr. Toss Salad. ? I will never say I’m grateful for this experience because the Kingston that was with Mr. Toss Salad just wasn’t in her right damn mind but I did take one positive thing away from it…I’m meant to be cherished and treated like the Queen I am. ENTER ELIJAH: When Elijah approached me…I had just been crying and praying on my subway ride to work. ? I had hoped God would deliver me from the heartache that was inflicted on me. Then out of nowhere there was Elijah…standing tall and proud…ready to cover me. That’s why I named him Elijah (hope) because that’s what he brought to me…hope. It took me 3 weeks to think over his proposition and during that time, I searched in my heart to see if there was anything worth staying for with the Ex Factor. FYI I’ve decided that there’s no need to give him a new name. If he is still who he was when he received that name in my blog…then he shouldn’t get a new name. So until I truly see some next level shit…the Ex Factor works.✌?️Phoenix is the only person who has two names (Baltimore and Phoenix). Baltimore is his real life nick name but Phoenix is the name I gave him in this blog…because he’s just that complicated!?? But now I’m really getting off course. While Elijah and I didn’t work out, I’m very grateful for all the lessons he taught me and I pray he is happy with a basic woman (hey that’s how he described his ideal woman…I’m not hating. Lol). For the men that are still reading and are trying to understand what it’s like to leave a woman who loves you naked and uncovered: it’s like being beaten a million times. Burned alive. Road kill. Broken. Bruised. Feeling like the world’s joke. Unappreciated. Used. Degraded. Disrespected. Violated by someone you were suppose to be able to trust. And then left alive for your heart to continuously tell the story of your living death. That’s the best way I can describe being a woman left naked and uncovered by the man she truly loves. Now do you understand why Phoenix has been such a permanent fixture in my life?! He was needed…~KJM saying times like this I wish I could pick up the phone and call Phoenix on Temptation Tuesday. Maybe reliving these emotions before they have fully healed was just too much… If you were a woman left naked and uncovered by the man you loved…please write me…whether you guys made it or not. I could use some support.?

The Time I Sold My Soul To The Devil (The I Settled Edition)

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I felt my spirit leave my body several times. I didn’t even know the body could do that while being alive. Was I alive? It felt like a death. I was overlooking my own body as he smiled and held out his hand. How did I get here? It wasn’t because I didn’t love myself. Lord knows you can make a wrong turn even if you love yourself. Yet I was watching myself die while I convinced myself and my loved ones that I had to go with him. And he smiled on…offering me things I had never received from someone else before. They weren’t things I couldn’t provide for myself (love, security, money) but they were things I felt I had been robbed of in my last situationship. So my spirit floated over my body and I felt like I was going. Still I smiled on and ignored my previous heartache. It felt good to be wanted, needed, and worshiped. I should have known that anyone God sent would only be worshiping God…not another human being. Silent at times…I did not know how to get out. I couldn’t scream…after all he was giving me the promise of being loved. Needed to catch my breath but when I was with him…he hardly left me alone. I went everywhere with him. We went to sleep together and I awoke with this deep feeling of emptiness. Oh the emptiness. It was that feeling that let me know what I had done…I had sold my soul to a living devil. I had lost hold of me. Trapped…I felt trapped yet I smiled for everyone because my life was now filled with worldly goods. Mutual friends and associates that knew him hinted that some things were off. Yet I ignored the signs because my broken heart and my spirit were both now floating over my body. How do I get them to rejoin my body? How do I become whole again? I’m floating…I’m going…I’m dying inside. Was the abandonment I felt with my love (the Ex Factor) so bad that it gotten me here? Why didn’t I just talk to the Ex Factor about how was I feeling?! I ran because I always run…and the devil caught me. Trapped so trapped and when God saw me slipping…He said it wasn’t my time to go and He sent protection for me. It was at that moment that I saw my chance to run away from danger. And I bolted. Lost parts of me on the journey and now my heart was aching but my spirit, mind, body, and heart were all joined again. The pain was too much to bare as I stayed awake nights I should have been sleeping. I was safe now. On my own again. I could take that breath now. I could free myself from the memories but the guilt followed me for years. The guilt of selling my soul…the guilt of not seeing the danger…the guilt of not protecting my mind, body, and soul…it haunted me. What if God had not come for me? Where would I be now? No one and nothing is worth selling your soul…intentionally nor accidentally. So I took another breath and I started to rebuild my life. It was just a few months spent with the devil but I’m forever haunted by the fact that I could have lost my life. Jesus thank you for truly being a fence! ~KJM on settling with Mr. Toss Salad and experiencing some of my darkest hours before I got out. This is one of the greatest Charm School lessons I have to share with you. Not everything that glitters is truly gold!????

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