Okay! I know it’s been a while since I blogged but I was on the BEST vacation ever! Couldn’t even bring myself to write….that’s how relaxed I was! Now you know since I’ve neglected you…today I’m coming back strong! Get ready to be like…what the fuck! Lol. During my vacation, I caught heatstroke! All the details surrounding it I will leave out except one…I had Harmony grab me a Clear Blue Easy (Pregnancy Test) to be certain that it’s just heatstroke that got me projectile throwing up! My homegirl got me a TWO pack test (a plus and minus one and a digital test). I took one right away and the other the next morning during my first pee of the day. Both said NEGATIVE/NOT PREGNANT! And thank goodness because I have never seen inside of an abortion clinic and at this point in my life I don’t want to….now let’s back it up. I have been on birth control since I was 21 years old and only came off of it for a year and a half after I graduated from graduate school. My body was stressed and falling apart so I completely detoxed from chemicals. It’s during that time I met and fell in love with the Ex Factor. Soon I went back on birth control. In the 6 years of us knowing each other we have used BOTH birth control AND condoms 99.9% of the time. He was so young….no way I would want to ruin his life (and mine) with an unplanned pregnancy. When it comes to sex…I am MISS SAFETY! Even during my years of hardcore celibacy…I never came off the pill! I am very serious about not being a mother unless it’s what I wanted!!!! I’m too fucking old for oops we didn’t plan it! I’m fucking 35 years old! I got the dick playbook and have highlighted certain chapters and even went on to write a few my damn self. Once again it was because of the level of my sickness that I even took the damn test. Apparently heatstroke can fuck your world up! Sigh… Shout out to Harmony for being the real MVP! She is no rookie in the game. Harmony knew what to say and what not to say to me as we waited. That’s why she’s my favorite friend to visit. While she would be considered one of my newest friends (we really became friends Fall 2008 in the last year of our graduate school program) we grew extra tight despite how far apart we live from each other. Her and I look so different from each other on the outside but are so similar in many huge ways! I find I can just be myself with her! Once again…Harmony, thanks for being there. Now the only folks that knew about this incident besides Harmony (and now you guys) was Papa Michaels and two of my friends. I kind of wish I never said a word to one of them. She means well but she really made me mad. Her first reaction was the test could be wrong and she can’t wait until I have a baby. WTF?! Thank goodness I took TWO tests or I may have lost it! To my friend (and women like her) I am happy you are happy with being married with children but let me be happy in my singleness! To me there are the marrieds and the singles! I am a happy single! My vacations that I randomly book for myself make me so happy! Pampering myself makes me happy! Saying FUCK MEN…I’m going to get this money my fucking self makes me MOIST! This is who Kingston is! So when a woman says I can’t wait for you to be married and have children…it comes across to me as a backhanded compliment! Like my life is good now but my life will never be complete nor fulfilling without these things! ? Now I know my friend meant no harm but her statement did bother me. I constantly get these comments. To these women I say…why does my singleness bother you?! I’ve been saying since I was 5 years old that I never want to get married and have children. The Ex Factor is the one guy I would have bent that rule for but guess what?!!! We don’t FUCKING work and I’m tired of trying!!!! So don’t wish a marriage on me in which we would probably both cheat (I could bet money I would cheat first) and don’t wish a baby on me that I would have to abort! I love the Ex Factor and he probably loves me too but that’s not enough to bring a baby into this world (by my standards). In my entire life, besides my routine GYN exams, this was only the second time I had had a friend buy me a pregnancy test. The first time was with Julio after he broke up with me at the end of my first year of my graduate program. What bad timing! The difference there is even though I can’t stand him…I grew up with Julio and his family. My baby would have wanted for nothing. Even his crazy mama would show up for my baby…I believe that because I’ve seen his family do it for others. I wouldn’t be alone even with Julio and I not being together. That’s why if I had been pregnant then (thank goodness I wasn’t) I would have had Julio’s baby! Not because I loved him more….because I didn’t…the Ex Factor is still the greatest love I’ve ever felt. Now the Ex Factor’s family seem even tighter than Julio’s but I don’t know them. They take care of insiders well (from what I hear) but I would be an outsider. No way I want to be a single mom! Shout out to all the single moms! I can’t even imagine doing what you do! I grew up with two parents and I want nothing less for any possible child. So it’s either a planned pregnancy or none at all. I’ve said it time and time again…I have no biological need to be pregnant. I’ve been saying that since I was 5 years old and guess what…30 years later…I still feel the same way. My friend says she can’t see me getting an abortion and she’s right. I am pro choice but in my own life I would be terrified to go through with it but I would. My daddy would go with me and with his strength and support…I would do what needed to be done. Harmony would fly in too. I wouldn’t be alone in it. No way I want to be connected to someone forever that can’t get his shit straight…we can’t even make one FUCKING day work! Auntie Kingston loves the babies! But that’s Auntie’s job….to love and spoil her nieces and nephews! I want to stay Auntie unless I choose to step into motherhood. I’ve no plans of stepping into motherhood unless I’m married! And there’s nothing wrong with saying that. A baby for me…doesn’t solve anything. It actually causes a world of trouble in my eyes! I hear being a mom is a very joyful thing but I also know lots of depression, stress, and sadness comes with it. Some women have great husbands and then some have husbands who hold them back and bring them down! I can do bad by my damn self! I like my life! I like that I’m different and I’m not sad I’m not married with children! Only thing disheartening is how difficult it is to find an honest, loving, and committed man. While I never pictured myself married…I did picture myself growing old with a life partner and some dogs. Perhaps my life partners are my friends! My 5 days in paradise with a touch of heatstroke taught me that the Ex Factor is NOT the one nor any guy from my past. And I’m cool with my friends being the loves of my life! I am cool with being single! I am cool with building my empire by myself! I am happy! The only time I am unhappy is when I’m dating. Harmony, get your suitcases packed! More randomly planned vacations for BOSSES like us are on the way! ?? To all the women (and some men) that my singleness makes uncomfortable…I won’t apologize for it! I am living my life like it’s PLATINUM! No man nor family is ever going to upgrade me more than I’ve upgraded myself! To each it’s own! I don’t judge y’all for your family lives so back up off of me and my singleness! Don’t wish me a life of despair (that’s how I see it)…just let me live. What makes one woman happy can make another miserable! Now before I go…let me shout out my ex in laws, Julio’s family! Even for those of you that hate me, I always knew as a teenager/young adult that y’all would have had our backs if we had had a baby. Much respect for that! To all the single women…happy with their singleness…CARRY ON!?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! Great day to shout out the condom companies, birth control companies, and all the medical facilities and advocacy groups who fight for a woman’s right to CHOOSE!?? 

This morning I had the pleasure of reading a Cosmopolitan article titled “6 Signs You Are Dating An Emotionally Unavailable Man.” The 6 Signs were: 1. They’re Always (I Mean Always) Doing Their Own Thing; 2. They Avoid All Emotions; 3. They’re Always Looking For Faults; 4. They’re Always Holding Up A Shield; 5. They’re Scared To Show You Who They Really Are; and 6. He’s Rarely Satisfied. Now after reviewing these signs, I realized the Ex Factor is all of the above except 3 and 6. He’s really easy to please and easy to satisfy! The Ex Factor is always so patient with me and my antics! Here’s the BIG REVELATION though…I AM ALSO EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE AND HAVE BEEN MY ENTIRE DATING LIFE! As a matter of fact, the Ex Factor and I are equally emotionally unavailable in all the same numbers! We are 1, 2, 4, and 5! ?? So that’s why I’m attracted to him! My entire dating life, I’ve dealt with emotionally unavailable men (including Julio, Phoenix, and Elijah)! The thing is the Ex Factor is my exact type of emotionally unavailable guy…hence my ultimate attraction and desire for him! We are the same!!!! If you don’t believe me…check this shit out. Before Elijah dropped the “L” word, the last guy before him who told me he loved me…who was my friend/sort of lover (that’s for another blog discussion) AND wanted to marry me…I hung up the phone on him in Fall 2008 and to this day never picked up any of his calls!!! I have some regrets about how I handled that situation and a lot of what I go through in my dating life now…probably stems from some of that Karma! Ouch! Don’t worry…that dude, last I checked, was on his way to being happily married to a woman who could FEEL!?? I did him a favor…plus I wasn’t in love…more like lust mixed with deep intellect! ? But back to my hot ass mess of a life! I pressure the Ex Factor for a deeper commitment because I know it’s not in him to do it! All the other men that could commit, show emotions, AND had great communication skills (yea definitely not you Elijah)…I dump rather quickly or worst cheat on them then dump them! Ouch! Now hear me out…we are close to a break through! Hang on! Let’s analyze the 4 signs that I am emotionally unavailable…according to the Cosmo article. 1. I AM ALWAYS DOING MY OWN THING! This is so true! For example….this past weekend, while resting, I booked ALL my trips from September to January 2017! There is such freedom in saying…I want to go somewhere and I just book that ticket to go! And no the Ex Factor is not invited….nor has any guy I’ve ever been romantically involved with. They ALL weren’t invited to my vacations! I roll solo….even internationally! Just the thought of opening that door and inviting the Ex Factor in…scares the hell out of me. So there I am asking him to incorporate me more into his life and I can’t even do the FUCKING same! Like I get anxiety just thinking about him hanging out with me and my friends on an island. Before you are quick to say…that may be a sign he’s not the one…I went to many countries in Europe, the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas, Barbados, and TWO islands in Hawaii without fucking Julio’s ass! There’s been no man that I’ve ever envisioned joining me on my journey! 2. I AVOID ALL EMOTIONS (except Anger)! My most comfortable emotion is anger! If I get to feeling hurt or sad…someone may get cut! Just joking of course!? But your house may get burned down too if you make me cry! Still joking! ? I HATE crying because that means something has devastated me to the core of my soul. My soul likes to just be chill! Please don’t bother it…with feelings!✌?️ 3. I AM ALWAYS HOLDING UP A SHIELD! Yass! I try to defend AND protect my heart, mind, body, and soul….even if in the process I block true love! I don’t want anyone to get through because they may fail me. I also try to avoid all conflicts by hiding my true feelings about a situation! Like why couldn’t I have told the Ex Factor to his face years ago that I love him and will try to see him through his mess if he would try to see me through mine?! Because I would have to be VULNERABLE! And that’s a no no for me! And 4. I AM SCARED TO SHOW HIM WHO I REALLY AM! The Ex Factor and I had two totally different upbringings. He’s been sheltered and I haven’t been naive since I was 5 years old! I grew up in a very violent manner…watching the women in my family get the shit beat out of them daily! Infidelity was second nature to the men AND women in my family! Shout out to the men who are raising children that aren’t really their’s but they don’t know it! Yikes! MESSY! ? All that violence and all that cheating…can you blame me for not laying with a man for too long? The battered women in my family (who were generally not the cheaters) stayed with these men and took every hit while still pledging their love and allegiance to these fools! NOT I! I always vowed to never be them but somewhere in my life created another unhealthy cycle…a Kingston who is emotionally unavailable and likes her life just that way! That’s why when my friends tell me that the Ex Factor is an unhealthy situation…they are FUCKING correct! But what they need to understand is that the Kingston who loves her friends and will stick by them is NOT the same Kingston in love and war! I’m brutal and I’m selfish at times. I step on whomever whenever the fuck I feel like. That doesn’t mean I’m not trying to grow…I am but my growth is super slow for a woman my age. If some man (other than the Ex Factor) wanted to marry me and start a family right now…my ass would say hell no in a heartbeat! Perhaps I chose the Ex Factor because at 26 years old…he is my emotionless twin! He can’t/won’t give me much but I can give myself everything AND I DO! I can say I DO to MYSELF! Even if the Ex Factor woke up tomorrow and wanted to take things to the next level…we would have to move extra slow (as if we could get any fucking slower?)! I’m scared to chose one man and one life. I need adventure everyday! So maybe the Ex Factor is buying time until someone better comes along but I think because of my gender and age…it never occurred to anyone that I’m doing the same! It’s only in June 2016…that it occurred to me that that Ex Factor may be my one! And I’m still open to the fact that he may not be! But truth be told my 35 year old self is in love with a 26 year old man…and has been…for the last 6 years of my life! We are a fucking mess and my age leaves me feeling insecure because of this thing called a biological clock (still feel like I don’t have one but science says I do). We may never get our shit together and one of us could permanently leave the other but if you were given a choice of who you would want to waste time with….would it be mister perfect resume or the man you know is a mess but you are sure you love him?! There’s a risk in all we do but if you are gonna leap…it better be for someone that the feelings are real for!?? So we stand still in time…together…being emotionally unavailable! I get mad! I get sad! I get frustrated but truth be told if he had his shit together…I wouldn’t even be checking for him because I don’t have my shit together!?? Yea it all sounds like a therapy nightmare! Lol. I’m saving up for it! Trust and believe that! But my eyes are wide open as I take a leap of faith! Don’t expect your girl Kingston to get married and have children…anytime soon….if ever! However, if for some reason the Ex Factor and I become emotionally available to each other…I know we both take marriage seriously! Off to therapy and spiritual counseling we go! After all…GOD IS ABLE!?? ~KJM is a mess on Hump Day!?