I don’t think I was purposely trying to….well. Perhaps I had just not thought that far ahead but here I am…5.5 months into being celibate. I know! I know! Celibacy is not a word most folks like. Every time I take time off from sex, it has always been MY CHOICE! Remember….one of my mottos is “dick always falls out the sky.” ? Any woman can get laid any time. Matter of fact…we get laid more easily than men. Women don’t have to caress nor convince men to have sex. We don’t need to ply them with liquor nor whisper corny lines in men’s ears. All we women have to do..is simply be ourselves…to get laid. Now to get a true and meaningful relationship is another story! ??♀️ Trust and believe though…that guys are such horny creatures that just a woman’s sneeze could turn them on. ? Don’t ask me why men are so simple…I think it has something to do with the law of physics or some shit like that. ??♀️ Men are just basic horny creatures that typically masquerade as something or….someone else. Now I know my male readers are side eyeing me but please be honest with yourselves. At one time or another…until you decided to mature…that is…if you decided to mature…y’all were all basic horny creatures. ?? The truth shall set you free! Oh crap…I digress. Where was I? Oh yes…my own celibacy. I wish I could say I am celibate because I am on a journey to find my husband. ??♀️ But no. I don’t believe in that unless my future husband is out there celibate and waiting for me too. I have told y’all time and time again…to say NO to community penis. ✌? I hope to never call community penis my husband. I know he would have been around the block…but his mileage still matters to me! I refuse to be at praise and worship at church on Sundays knowing most of the female (and in this day and age…possibly male ?) congregation done had my husband. ??? I am just…not the one. ✌? Anyways, back to why am I celibate. Truth be told, I have just been preoccupied with other stresses and been playing way too hard with my mini Shibari vibrator! Ohhhh…Chile…that thing is the truth. Makes me cum 30 seconds or less every time.?? I don’t even have to have a nasty dvd on (like I did with my old vibrator, Gold Member). Thanks to Amazon’s fast shipping and handling…Bullet (the mini Shibari) keeps me well satisfied. All these months though…got me to thinking. How does sex with a man measure up to screwing yourself with a vibrator? Hmmm….for a long time Bullet was winning the race. I mean…a vibrator making me cum faster than a speeding bullet is everything a woman could ask for. On the other hand, nicknaming a man…Bullet….well…I don’t need to tell you what that name possibly says about your current sex partner. ? Bullet, the vibrator that is, cannot lie, cheat, nor mislead. Bullet’s only intentions are to relax women and make them climax HARD and LONG! ?? Now a man…generally…comes (no pun intended) with lots of disappointments. ??♀️ I think this is where love comes in. A vibrator cannot love ever…but then neither can some men. ??♀️ Hmmm….okay so far the vibrator has 4 points and men got 2 (the possibility of love with a climax). But can love alone outdo a vibrator that cannot lie, cannot cheat, cannot mislead, and its only job is to relax women as they achieve their ultimate orgasm?! This is a difficult analysis. So many women bury the need for an orgasm in love. We typically put men’s needs and sexual desires ahead of ours. Don’t believe me? I had a hard time finding a masturbation meme with a woman on it!!! Most masturbation memes (on Pinterest) were filled with pictures and quotes about men. On the flip side, when I was looking for a celibacy meme….all I saw were pictures and quotes about women! Oh the double standards! My sexual pleasure is not just for a man. It is for me first! I am invested in each one of my climaxes! My body should please me first before ever pleasing him. Yet society still tries to sell women as virgins and men as sluts who cannot help themselves! ??? With all that being said, there are some caring men out there who are capable of love and giving a woman a little tossed salad every now and then! ?? If you are lucky enough to find a man who loves you, respects you, eats the box, and puts your pleasure before his….this type of man will always out climax the vibrator. For the rest of us unlucky bitches….the mini Shibari it is! Better to fuck yourself than get fucked by a fuck boy! ?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! I don’t quite have it down to a science but there you have it….my social experiment of man vs. vibrator. ?
I know it has been a while. Something (family related) happened to me in 2018 that I have not fully bounced back from. Some days, I am still in love with blogging and other days (now more than ever), I let that “a day late and a dollar short feeling” take over my whole being. Have you ever felt this way? Completely lost while it seems like other folks have everything down pact? I go on these long rants that my good friend, Lioness, entertains instead of hanging up on me. ? I am convinced that I am having my fourth midlife crises…that is…over the last ten years! ??♀️ Looking around me and everyone appears to be excelling. Yet, here I am, just struggling to put words on a piece of paper. Writing use to come so easily to me. I hate to say it but I’m like Keyshia Cole and Adele….when I’m heartbroken…you are going to get great shit out of my writing. Sorry about your pending divorce Adele. Chin up and pen in motion. Not everybody’s life is art when things are falling apart. Most of us are just a damn mess and can’t quite explain why that is…even years after our messy breakups. So we keep you in our thoughts and prayers during this difficult time but also keep our credit cards warm for when that next heartbreakingly brilliant album drops. ??♀️ But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes….drowning in my own sorrows as I compare my life to others. ? Comparisons of ourselves and others are a form of destructive behavior. I mean….how do I know that I am a day late and a dollar short?! How do I know that others are not falling apart too but their Instagram pictures carefully hide it? Why do I feel like I’m the only one lost? I mean…I know where I want to go but have no clue how to get there. Maybe I’m not completely lost….I just keep circling aisle two in the supermarket…always forgetting what ingredients I need! ??♀️ This kind of shit does happen to other people right? But I take it so personally like life just sent me an unexpected f*ck you text! Don’t believe? This year marks my 20th year since high school graduation and my 10th year since graduation from graduate school. I have no plans of attending either reunion. I feel like I am not where I want to be so f*ck pretending! Still don’t believe me? For the last couple years, I have battled with losing weight and getting in shape. I have failed time and time again and put on even more weight. Thank goodness for my genetics or it would show more. This Lenten season, which will be over tomorrow, I decided to get fit for Jesus and pick up yoga for the 10th time! In a little over a month, I have had some pretty good results (non scale victories) that I have documented through photos. Yet I have no plans of sharing them until I’m sure that I am serious about getting in shape. At first I started off running, doing yoga, and doing other cardio activities during the week. My plan was to do something fitness related for at least 15 minutes a day. Six days of the week, that 15 minutes or more would be dedicated to real fitness. On the seventh day (any day I choose as a rest day), anything I do can been seen as getting fit…like laundry for a couple of hours or taking the long way to walk to work. This was my plan. At the beginning of April, however, a terrible bout of insomnia hit me and yoga ended up being the only exercise I could do at 4:30am that did not drain me. Sleep is so important to the fitness process and with no sleep…progress is slow. But I stayed the course and kept my promise because during Lent I can do anything for Jesus. Outside of Lent though….??♀️ This is how personally I take life’s hardships. If I don’t feel I’m living out my life’s purpose and am successful at it…then I don’t want to share. Hence my writing block in parts of 2018 and 2019. The one area I do not mind publicly failing at is relationships….because like who gets those right anyways?! ??♀️ Speaking of, in 2019, I have no plans of dating and everyone down to my GYN is asking why! I keep hearing….”use your youth while you got it.” Oh and “vet everyone you date” like I’m suppose to be interviewing guys for a job. ? Then I get asked if I’m heartbroken? ??♀️ To be honest…the Ex Factor situation has left me numb. To be even more crystal clear…I got bigger shit to worry about. I need 2019 to be a “I got 99 problems but a f*ck boy ain’t one” type of year. Whoa Chile…..that’s a word right there. ?? I am like most of the world. I loved and it was not returned. It did not work out. I got my shit together and I moved forward. I could care less who he is dating and what he is doing. I’m not going to be out there revenge dating. I will date when I’m ready to. And if this yoga stuff works out….I may have some extra time to date before my tits start sagging! ?? Besides, I believe in love at first sight. If my true love is smart…he’s out there getting himself ready for me too and not turning into community penis. I may f*ck a male hoe (especially in my younger days) but I won’t knowingly fall for nor knowingly marry one. I don’t love them hoes. Dick should be mostly mine and only mine (just with a few lovers before me). But I digress again. Where was I? Oh yes…on the topic of comparisons. I need to just stop doing that shit!!!!! ✌? ~KJM on Serenity Saturday….the day before Easter. A good time to say….”Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.” ??♀️ Got to reduce how much I curse. ?
Moonlight. It’s nighttime and I am writing. I rarely write at night unless something deep within me cannot wait for the dawn. I just finished watching a 2017 movie called “The Wife.” The movie stars Glenn Close (as the Wife…Mrs. Castleman who is really a second wife), Jonathan Pryce (as the husband… Mr. Castleman), and Christian Slater (a scandalous biographer named Nathaniel Bone who wants to write the husband/writer’s autobiography). Before I bore you with intimate details of a movie you may not have seen or was not planning on seeing….let me get to the reason why I am writing you…under the moonlight. “The Wife” powerfully exemplifies how most women give up the core of who they are just to be loved by some man who is unworthy of them. The wife’s first mistake is she takes another woman’s husband. You cannot control who you love but you sure can try to control your actions. Picking up another woman’s husband typically means that you have freed her from her problems only to enslave yourself with the familiar issues that you so dirtily inherited. Are you following me? If not…just imagine picking up your neighbor’s trash and then dumping it on your lawn! That is exactly what Mrs. Castleman did! Mr. Castleman was married with a family when “The Wife” first laid eyes on him. The affair ensues and soon she is now The Wife…only her prison is far more toxic than his first wife’s. The Wife stays to the end…until he takes his last breath…engulfed in the flames of her husband’s deceit and affairs. Mrs. Castleman writes all of Mr. Castleman’s books throughout their life together. All he does is EDIT the books. Through each affair, The Wife writes explosive literary tales of their lives. It’s almost as if each affair passionately drives the words on the pages. And what does Mr. Castleman do? He cooks, cleans, takes care of their two children, accepts credit for each brilliantly published novel, and screws many women out of insecurity throughout his second marriage. I…mean…how could his balls not shrink?! He has just received a Nobel Prize in Literature for HIS WIFE’S body of work and no one knows it (for sure) but he and the wife. To add insult to injury, Mr. Castleman always tells people that his wife “does not write.” To the public, The Wife’s only job is to just take care of her husband’s brilliant mind and body. Insert sarcasm here and let me get back on track. I am currently writing under the moonlight because I found “The Wife” to be so disturbingly on point. Some times men ask women to make terrible sacrifices and we do it. No questions asked. This, however, is not one of those times. What I really want to get to the heart of is why the fuck we women sacrifice our mind, body, and souls without being asked?! Yes during the generation that “The Wife” grew up in, a female writer was hardly respected but as time went on…publication after publication…way before that Nobel Prize…why the fuck was “The Wife” not the author of her own destiny?! Why was she okay with laying the foundation for years and financially supporting her family with no credit from anyone but her loser husband?! Not even her children knew that she was the true mastermind of the family! Why do we women sacrifice so much only to receive so little in return?! I…try…not…to. Perhaps if I toned down my intelligence I would be his wife. Perhaps if I pretended I was not beautiful…I would be his wife. Perhaps if I did not make it publicly known that my naked body belongs to me and only me….and just the vision of it excites me three times more than it probably excites him….I would be his wife. Perhaps if I never told myself that I love myself everyday…I would be his wife. Under the moonlight, we sacrificial lambs cannot hide. You see…what frightens us as the sun comes up is hidden with a smile that is gone by moonlight! It’s just too exhausting to pretend at night. And of course…we hope that the darkness surrounding the moonlight…will hide our true hopes and dreams. “She does not write,” he says. Every time he utters these words…she, a great literary mind, dies just a little bit so that her husband can live another day. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday night. Who the hell taught us to give up so much of ourselves for so little?!
Cheating is a tricky topic. It is so prevalent yet many of us that were cheated on or cheated…loathe talking about it. Cheating, unfortunately, is an ongoing conversation…especially the effects it has on families. But today’s blog is not that deep. I am really just going to scratch the surface on the types of unforgivable cheaters. Yes….I said UNFORGIVABLE cheaters. I wholeheartedly believe in therapy but I also believe some messes therapy cannot fix. ??♀️ For example, a cheater that isn’t sorry he or she cheated. Throw the entire spouse away! ✌? Now that I have laid a foundation….let’s dive into the my top 5 unforgivable cheaters! 5. THE ABUSIVE CHEATER! Now there is a lot wrong with this type of spouse! This is the type of cheater who cheats and blames it on their spouse. This person is never sorry for their actions because in their eyes…they only cheat because their spouse did not do this and that. ??♀️ Yea…this is the type of person that suggests their spouse go to therapy to deal with their (as in the cheater’s) constant cheating! There is no accountability here so what you will get if you stay with such a person is…more abuse and cheating. ✌? 4. THE CHEATER WE EASILY FORGIVE! There are some folks out there that just keep taking back their cheating spouses without taking some time to reset their mind, body, and soul. Thus, they never get around to setting some ground rules of how they should proceed as a couple. With no penalty in sight….this cheater knows that their spouse will always take them back…without question. ??♀️ 3. THEY CHEAT ON THEIR TERMINALLY ILL SPOUSE! Couples make all kinds of arrangements when faced with terminal illness. In this segment, I am not referring to the couples who agree one spouse can date while caring for the terminal ill spouse. I am speaking about the JOHN EDWARDS of the world! ??♀️ This type of cheater cannot be reformed. Now I know what you are thinking….if one spouse is going to die….who cares about reforming this type of cheater?! Well this is more of a warning for this cheater’s new spouse. Don’t ever get sick because the same fate may await you! ? 2. THEY CHEAT ON THEIR PREGNANT SPOUSE! Oh boy…this cheater is even worse than number three! If he will cheat on you when you are carrying one of life’s most precious packages….there’s a good chance there is no reforming this cheater! You are giving him the gift of life while he is out there disrespecting you. ✌? 1. THEY CHEAT WITH YOUR FAMILY/FRIENDS! This cheater was too lazy to pick their private parts up and cheat outside of your inner circle! This is a triple disrespect (he/she cheating right in front of your face, the family/friend who betrayed you, and your cheating spouse’s disregard for not only your body and your relationship but also their disregard for your family/friendship relationships that you once held dear). Throw this entire spouse away! ✌?✌?✌? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. Couples therapy is a wonderful thing but realize that some folks will never stop cheating simply because they don’t want to AND their spouses allow it! ✌?
Year 2018. The hardest year yet. My family endured so much heartache in 2018 but we are still standing. Year 2017, I had so much anger towards the Ex Factor. I am ashamed of that. I am better than that. In 2018, the Ex Factor was not even a real factor. I mean he was in my life but not important. I think he took so much from me in 2017, that I had nothing left to give…not even anger. Just wanted us to finally be over. My family needed me and the Ex Factor had nothing to offer in real life…not even a consoling shoulder. He’s just a selfish creature who lacks empathy. ? So I battled hardship with my family. My weight spiked up to 200 pounds!? I have never been that large in my life. I regrouped like a mama who needed to make sure she didn’t sacrifice herself while trying to take care of her cubs. ?? Every single day of 2018 was excruciating but I stepped forward with grace and style. My lipstick colors continued to boom…this time Fenty Beauty (Freckle Fiesta and Midnight Wasabi) and Too Faced Cosmetics (Lady Balls, The Real Teal, I Wanna Rock With You, Wicked, and Mrs Roper) took front stage. I wore them from Vegas (twice) to the Big Island in Hawaii to the US and British Virgin Islands (where I ended 2018 and began a peaceful 2019). I switched out my straight hair for big deep wave curls. I was stepping into my true island being and I had no time for negative energy. There were downs and downs (can’t even say there were ups in 2018) with the Ex Factor. My suffocation continued. I could not breathe. I felt trapped but the moment my life priorities shifted to the real important people in my life (my family and friends) it became clear that I could not stay here. I could not continue to entertain what the Ex Factor had become…a cruel passive aggressive version of the “Netflix and Chill” generation. ??♀️ I needed out. His touch was beyond foreign. I started to invite him to my bed less. Disgusted. Completely disgusted with him and this whole long drawn out waste of almost a decade! So I told him the truth…I am no longer attracted to him. I no longer long for his torture much less his touch. I love him (well the him I thought I knew) but I no longer wanted him. I WAS FREE! ?? And it was an amazing feeling. What was meant to kill me…to kill love…had not…could not…for only God is love! HE is the giver and taker of love. The Ex Factor had no such power! So I released myself and became naked. Naked in all 200 pounds of me. I walked in the nude with love in my heart. I AM STILL THRIVING! ?? I STILL BELIEVE IN MIRACLES AND LOVE IS A MIRACLE!!! ? ~KJM dropping Chapter 9 on Serenity Saturday. One more chapter to go…how are you enjoying the series?
Year 2017. It is currently 4am. I am exhausted but I want to complete this series. This is the only time I have to write. 2017 was much like this morning…exhausting. I ended 2016 and began 2017 in San Francisco. It was a great start to the year with some 2016 feelings.? My hair was bone straight with a huge part to the side that covered my right eye. I was in full swing of experimenting with lipstick colors from Urban Decay (JUNKIE), NYX (DISORDERLY CHAOTIQUE), Mac Cosmetics (BLUE BANG made its premiere), and Too Faced Cosmetics (WICKED)! My skin was glowing from coast to coast. ? I felt sexy. And I was just that. SEXY! ?? Little did I know how painful 2017 (and 2018) was going to be. This chapter is quick and painful just like the year. Once back on the East Coast, my work schedule got so crazy that I was working over 90 hours a week. Knowing what was ahead of me and the work commitment I had made, I told the Ex Factor that he could leave me for I now had no time for dating (especially fake dating a f*ck boy). Ouch! This may sound like bitterness but it really isn’t. It was and is a fair assessment after I tell you how he emotionally/verbally dragged me through the year. ? Back to 2017. I told him he could leave me and date other women BUT he can’t date me AND them! And I meant every word. Work had to come first. The Ex Factor said he had no desire to leave me and would work with my hectic schedule. ??♀️ This was the year that the Ex Factor lost the ability to even make me happy for an hour. Even if I f*cked him (I guess out of habit), I would immediately be disgusted with him first AND then with myself next. 2017 was the year I started to loathe him!!! ? Why? Oh let me tell you why! On top of a crazy work schedule, my father was battling cancer! ?❤️ The day before my Daddy’s surgery, I asked the Ex Factor if he was waiting on a better love to do right by because he sure wasn’t doing right by me!!! This motherfucker (I am not going to bleep out this curse word because he fucking earned it) had the nerve to tell me that he has NEVER been IN love with anyone but has love for me?!!! Motherfucker what?! Motherfucker who?! This is the same bitch that stayed with your broke trifling ass for YEARS and still treated you well! And to hit me with such news the day before my dad’s surgery (which I had recently told him about)!!!! What trash! I was in love with trash! I am now vacationing at Fuck Boy nation. ??♀️ I dropped one tear (privately) and then I told that lazy not even good for a fuck motherfucker that I don’t give a damn about love or no love but his ass better be there for me on the day of my dad’s surgery or there will be blood! ??? I don’t play when it comes to my family! My whole body became numb but my spirit was on fire!!! ??? From that moment on, I started to lose respect for him and tried to escape the mess I found myself in. I am ashamed there is even a Chapter 9 (Year 2018) with this fool! ??? Before I forget, the Ex Factor did check in on the day of my dad’s surgery but I didn’t need him. A male friend and I texted all day from the moment my family and I drove to upstate New York (where the surgery was taking place) up until my dad was in recovery! I cannot thank my male friend (who lives in DC) and all my other friends who held me down during this difficult time! To God Be the Glory…my father is still in remission! ?????? After Daddy was okay, I continued my solo travels and ended up going to Vegas THREE times this year! I ended 2017 and started off 2018 in Vegas with Harmony. Despite his taking back his I love you (he really could have kept that fake shit in the first place), the Ex Factor latched on like any abuser would to his victim! What a fucking year! ~KJM dropping Chapter Eight on Flashback Friday. This was by far the hardest chapter to write because clearly I was not loving myself enough to escape this fool. Currently, I am writing you from a wiser and stronger place. What does not kill us often times does make us stronger. Oh one more thing, a man who treats a woman like this is not one fit to lead for he is no man…just a boy. And this is clearly someone who doesn’t love himself because for the first time since I met him in 2010, I finally saw him…the way he saw himself…a boy not worthy of me (or any good woman for that fact)!!! I really hope and pray he does better and grows up. It would break my heart if I heard that another woman had to go through what I did…just like it did when Julio told me how horrible he had been to his ex girlfriends and ex fiancés! ???♀️ IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: this is the year Willow and my friendship really started to fall apart. She was NOT there for me when I needed her. I visited Chicago TWICE the year before to support her on a risky pregnancy and her postpartum. Where were you when my Dad was battling cancer? I barely got calls much less texts. If you are reading this, you should never wonder why we are no longer friends…
Year 2016. The year I discovered and committed to the Smokey eye. The year I started wearing makeup and lipstick that exemplified my multiple personalities. ? Designer Blue by Mac Cosmetics was my break out lipstick! ? 2016! The year I learned to love wearing the color white. The year I was in full swing of my own personal Vegas residency and it really became my second home. The year learned how to be the master of my own destiny. The year….the Ex Factor….finally told me he loved me. ? Hold up! Let’s back it up so you can get some clarity on that last 2016 declaration. As I mentioned before in Chapter 6, I stayed with Elijah for about 7 months. It was the LONGEST 7 months of my life. He had some crazy controlling cheap ways and I just cannot be controlled. ✌? Beat it Elijah! ? After I broke things off with Elijah, I focused in on myself. I celebrated weddings and baby showers with close friends (that now seem so distant). I travelled to Chicago (TWICE), Orlando, and Vegas (TWICE). I showed up for my friends even when I had no exciting news to share. I stayed present in my life. Despite it all, it was a good life. ?? At a wedding weekend in Orlando, I met a guy that was a friend of my male friend getting married. When I got back to Jersey, I requested his info from mutual friends. He is Indian and I am black. Not a traditional couple but that was actually the same racial dynamics of the bride and groom.❤️ I was going to take some serious time off from dating but something said…you have to move on. It’s not like you loved Elijah. So I moved forward and the Indian guy and I went on one date in May 2016. He came to NYC to see me. I met up with him after I attended a day party with my family in the city. He was cool but right away our HUGE differences stuck out. He was Hindu (though non practicing), allergic to seafood (there goes my Red Lobster Endless Shrimp days?), AND he did not eat meat! ? This is ignorant as f*ck but I can’t do without my shrimp and jerk/fried chicken! ? He also lived in Philly and hoped to move back to NC in a few years. Yea…I’m not going back South unless it’s to visit. I am a NORTH EAST woman and that’s how I want to stay. So too many differences for us to even give it a chance. ??♀️ After that, I just decided that not dating for a while was not a bad idea. I can catch my breathe and focus on all my Vegas laughter and fun with Harmony. With my birthday right around the corner, I started planning my week in Vegas. Randomly, I got a text from the Ex Factor. I had not heard from him since November 2015 (had him on block for a few months to give me and Elijah a fighting chance). The Ex Factor and I caught up like two old friends. It never even occurred to me that I could take him back. I was okay with our failed romance. I had made peace with most of it. When the conversation was ending, he asked if he could see me and I declined by saying that I loved him but I was okay with loving him from afar. ?? Or so I thought. ??♀️ He then replied that he loved me too! That threw me for a loop because in all these years, love had never been in his vocabulary. ??♀️ As a matter of fact…it was barely in mine. To this day, I HAVE NEVER TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM IN PERSON!!! ??♀️??♀️ Julio and I always told each other we loved each other (since high school) but Julio fell FIRST. So he expressed his love openly and easily. It took me about a year (after he told me he loved me) to get that comfortable with telling Julio I loved him. ? Yea I always had intimacy issues! ??♀️? Back to 2016! When I came back from my Vegas birthday trip, the day my plane landed in Jersey to be exact, I agreed to see the Ex Factor. ??♀️? When I laid eyes on him…it was like no time had passed. It was like that scene in the first “Sex and The City” movie when Carrie went to pick up her shoes and Mr. Big was in their apartment….collecting them so he could send them to her. They embraced with no words and it was LOVE. ❤️❤️❤️ WE MADE LOVE. And I had my lover back. Through every intense stroke…it felt like the first time. The first time I knew I loved him and the first time we slept together. My lover was home and I was ready to explore him and let him explore me. My puss was tight and ready. Hey….I stayed with Elijah for 7 months but I cut the cookie off from him in November 2015!!!! Yup! ? So from December 2015-April 2016 (month of our break up), Elijah didn’t get as much as a hand job from me! ?? But I digress! My lover was home and we were in love…until we weren’t…~KJM dropping Chapter 7 on Throwback Thursday aka Valentines Day 2019. Love to love you baby! ?
Year 2015. THE YEAR I ENDED MY OBSESSION WITH BLUE/GREEN EYESHADOW!!!! ?????? Praise be! 2015 was also another year of big change for me. Randomly, within 48 hours, I moved back to New Jersey from Richmond! BEST decision I made in a long time. I think I left the eyeshadow in Richmond and began anew in New Jersey. Oh wait….let me back it up. I think I missed telling you something important. In 2014, I left off with listening to his pointless voicemail. ? From there, I unblocked him and we started communicating again. ??♀️??♀️??♀️ I know this shit is getting to be OBSESSION NOT BY CALVIN KLEIN! ? Like a reoccurring vaginal infection (surprising and uncomfortable yet mostly harmless) he appeared back in my daily life. ??♀️ Somehow we started making Valentines 2015 weekend plans! ? When men haven’t had a taste of that good good in a long while, they will agree to almost anything. ?? And so we began planning our three day weekend. I am not sure what the hell I was thinking but I rolled with it. The weekend itself was the best VDay we had ever had though there were some bumps in the road. Unbeknownst to him, he made me cry that weekend. I NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF ROMANTIC LOVERS or any lover for that fact. ?? But I am much like my mama, in this instance, that if you make me cry, I’m gonna lay your ass out right after! ?? Child, I laid into him right after we watched “50 Shades of Grey.” In proper Jersey fashion, I didn’t give a f*ck who could have seen it or heard it. In Jersey (and Kingston, Jamaica) we turn all the way up when you cross us. ???? Then I told his ass he better not be sleeping next to me tonight because I hold grudges! ????? Somehow, we made it to dinner and still salvaged the weekend! Shout out to my baby bro, Junior, for driving in the snow to come check on me. One thing about my crazy family….one of the men will show up in a minute if they think someone is hurting one of their baby girls! ??? But I digress. From Valentines Day until Mother’s Day weekend (yes we had an amazing Mother’s Day weekend even though I am not a mom), he made me happy for the most part. By Mother’s Day, I had relocated back to Jersey and I was in my element. I felt strong, I felt at home, I felt confident, and I felt like if he showed his ass….I would be out. ✌?✌?✌? And so it was said and so it was done. In February, the Ex Factor lost his job. He was pretty positive about finding a new job up until June. Then I started to see different sides of him. I kept telling him that I got him….that if one of us had it, we both got it. I wanted to repay the favor of being there for him the way he was there for me when I was at my lowest (2010-2012) but he never allowed me to truly be there. And his male pride and ego, broke us even more. By September 2015, Elijah had stepped to me. At first I told him that I had a situation and if I didn’t anymore, I would consider him. Truthfully, I never wanted Elijah. I just wanted to feel appreciated. Things fell apart and I took Elijah up on his offer. That is…after I let the Ex Factor go. (FYI. I stayed with the Ex Factor until he got a job!!!) Old me would have kept them both but new me that had survived a severely broken heart and a random relocation, was wiser. Just ONE. I would keep just one of them. Too bad neither was worth keeping! ???♀️ I stayed with Elijah for about 7 months…not because I was truly in to him but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be in a stable relationship. But that dude Elijah was a lunatic. I don’t like to date crazier than me. After my asshole healed (see all blogs and podcasts on Elijah for reference ????♀️). I was out. ✌? Single and dating slowly, I started trying other cultures out (again). Met a really nice Indian dude but it was just bad timing. Oh wait! This was really in 2016….stay tuned. ~KJM dropping Chapter 6 on Hump Day. How are you guys enjoying the series so far? ❤️
Year 2014. Everything was hazy for me. I was in Richmond working…yet…I saw him over the holidays (2013). He still felt like home. How is that even possible with all that I have been through? I travelled….this time to Houston and Chicago to visit college friends. If you remember nothing else from chapters 4 and 5, please remember how important friendships are!!! I am lost yet my friends are helping me to find my way. God bless them for it. ❤️I made great friends in Richmond as well as deepened some friendships I had had for over a decade. From the outside, I was now struggling to hold onto my blue/green eyeshadow.? It felt like him….familiar AND strange. Yet I have not completely outgrown my eyeshadow nor my love for the Ex Factor. I think this is the year I finally made peace with some of the romantic mistakes the women in the older generation of my family made. For it was now my turn…to truly love a f*cking fool. But I won’t let him destroy me for he is just a boy and I am a queen. In 2014, I aimed to step into my destiny without him clouding my mind. It wasn’t easy but I finally broke away. Being over 340 miles away helped. Soon I put him on my block list and I emerged in a sea of black and white styles in the city of Chicago. I danced the nights away with Willow and I soaked up life without him. “No boyfriend, No problem” was what one of my Chicago (and Vegas 2013) dresses read. My dresses were either missing a sleeve or showing off my beautiful legs or BOTH! My mama always said I had amazing legs! So I show them…from the south west to the mid west to back to Richmond. I emerged. I stepped forward! ??Phoenix did hold my hand a little but I never allowed him to be my foundation. After all, that is not what I was in Richmond for. Matter of fact….why the f*ck had I accidentally moved there? Oh yea…the universe gave me no choice. I was meant to live this chapter out in Richmond and I had such amazing friend groups. I could breathe again. I could be me again. I…could…stop loving him? Still I am in a haze but I am crying less and smiling more. His texts are still reminders of my love for a jerk who just could not appreciate me. So the last couple months of the year, I kept him blocked on my phone. Somehow, he figured out how to get around the block and over the holidays (2014), he left me a voicemail. He never calls…for he is a texter. ? Ugh my next boo better love phone calls! ?? When I finally saw the voicemail pop up, I realized he had left it a few weeks before. With no plans of listening to it, I felt the sensation of anger creep up on me. How dare he still make contact when I made it clear that I did not want to hear from him! This was MY time! How dare he?! I mean I wanted to let him know that I am the type of woman that men line up to wipe my ass…if need be. Lol. I’ve woken up to breakfast in bed, came home to receive “just because” flowers, I have been wined and dined, and I have been the RECEIVER of pleasure of every sexual act I’ve experienced while away from him. I have made lust in a million positions since I walked away from his touch. I am the type of woman that men don’t say no to. That’s really what I wanted to yell into the phone. But when I finally listened to his voicemail, it said nothing really…just that he was coming to the Carolinas for an interview and hoped to see me. Wtf?! The Ex Factor really does not listen….I AM IN RICHMOND….NOT the Carolinas! ??♀️?? While his voicemail irritated the depths of my soul, when I heard his voice….a voice I had not heard in a year…all I could think is….I LOVE HIM! ❤️ FML ? ~KJM dropping Chapter 5 on Temptation Tuesday. What is so memorable about fools in love? Is it that they are in love or that they are f*cking fools! ??♀️
Year 2013. It started off in tears. Me bawling in the streets of New York. I felt hurt. The pain was just too much. It felt like I had lost a part of me…that’s how deep my love use to be for him. Currently, he is a separate entity that I just happen to love and one day…he will just be “someone I use to know.” I know I probably sound like a mad woman right now but that really sums up year 2013. It was like I was me but I really wasn’t me. From the outside, my blue/green eyeshadow sparkled and my skin continued to glow but there was a sadness in my eyes. A darkness that I covered up with black blazers. I cried and cried while ignoring his texts. I left and never told him why. But I asked him over and over at the end of 2012 if she existed. I…felt her presence. He no longer looked at me like I was home. I…felt….her. And like some typical man shit, he tried to convince me that I was imagining her. Before this, I was not the best in relationships. If someone had asked me if I had a side piece (Phoenix), I would honestly answer YES! I always put on my big girl panties and own my shit. He never asked if there was a Phoenix so I never had to explain my back up plan. On the real, Phoenix was just a good friend who was a place card filler when shit went left in my love life. He was that huge penis filled with sex appeal and intelligence that every woman should have before she settles down. ?? Shout out to Phoenix for holding me down when love or lust had done me dirty. ? But I digress. I asked the Ex Factor if she existed and he said NO. He lied. From that day on, I would never view him the same. I have laid with dogs who were honest about being dogs. That use to be my preference in “boys” but the two men I stayed with the longest ( Julio on and off for 10 years and the Ex Factor for almost 9 years) were not dogs. I don’t love them hoes and you can’t turn a hoe into a husband (see my blog titled “Community Penis” for reference). ?? I don’t want a man that every woman has had. I may occasionally f*ck them male hoes but I don’t husband them! ?? Sometimes you just got to call good dick what it is…good dick that deserves to be left alone when we women are done climaxing! ?? Exhale on that! Lol. Now where was I? Oh yes…chapter 4…year 2013. It was one of the darkest years of my life. I thought I had found MY ONE but he had just turned out to be more of the same shit. Believe it or not…if he had been honest with me about talking to her and whomever else…I would have given him space to do so. At this point, the Ex Factor was around 24 years old. I was almost 32. Man, I was a mess in my 20s!!! Commitment and relationships just weren’t my thing and with the exception of Julio, I managed to not have any real feelings for a guy until I laid eyes on the Ex Factor shortly after I turned 29. Had he been honest, I could have gone and played with Phoenix while the Ex Factor tried to figure out what he wanted. But he lied. She did exist and that pain was too much to endure. I stepped away with no goodbyes and lost my f*cking mind. Somehow I ended up in Atlanta in a situation where I could have lost my life. ??♀️ That is all I am going to say about that! After that, my friends intervened and I went to see Harmony in Vegas for my 32nd birthday. It was the rejuvenation that I needed! From that moment on, Vegas and Harmony became my second home. No man will ever be called home again! ?? 48 hours after getting back from Vegas, with the help of my concerned friends, I accidentally moved to Richmond, VA. I spent almost two years of my life there…and the Ex Factor was still part of my life. Didn’t matter if I had a man or was single…I heard from him throughout the years. He never let go and unbeknownst to me…neither had I…. ~KJM dropping Chapter 4 on Charm School Monday! I hope you are enjoying this love week special. It feels great to be writing again. The words are pouring out of me and I am climaxing as if Phoenix just opened his door to let my broken heart in and…suddenly had me “talking in a falsetto!” ?