Recently, my sister, Brenda, was helping a friend get over a bad breakup. I listened to Brenda give her friend rational and grownup advice as I stood by rolling my eyes!? Brenda told her friend to show her ex love even when he is showing her hate. Just as I was about to throw up from all this responsible advice, Brenda reminded me that I’m Queen Team Petty especially when it comes to breakups. I stopped and thought about it and realized she’s so right. Now let me be clear…I’ve never taken a bat to anyone’s shit nor spread rumors about any man. I would never say he had a small dick if it was huge. I would just say that “dumb big dick Motherfucker broke my heart.” Lol. If Willow or the number one red head in my life/my college roommate, Autumn, are reading this…I apologize that it took me so long to grow up! Lmfao. The following list is mostly a reflection of me in my 20s. However, I reserve the right to be this petty when it is really needed. And sometimes…it is needed! Now let’s dive into 10 Ways I Was Queen Team Petty during breakups: 10. THE FREAK’UM DRESS: After a breakup, I’m quick to grab my freak’um dress and be at the club backing it up (that’s what they called twerking in my day). The shorter and the tighter the dress…the better! I shall be seen and heard everywhere my ex goes! Yes I will be spinning my thighs on the ones and twos! ?? And I usually have an entourage of girls and guys with me. It would be the hottest dancing orgy that my ex is NOT part of! ? 9. NEW BOYFRIEND WITHIN HOURS OF BREAKING UP: One time a dude in college broke up with me over the phone at 3pm. I cried for about an hour then I made a date with a new guy for 6pm that evening. I went on to date the new guy for years! The funny thing is later that night my ex said he saw my friends out and didn’t see me so he was going to swing by so we could talk in person. No sir we can’t! Got my new man here and he ain’t trying to hear it. Best you avoid my apartment!?? Note: I never told my ex I had a new man at my place as I didn’t want it to lead to a fight…though my new man was more physically fit. I just highly recommended that my ex not stop by…ever!✌?️8. GET BACK TOGETHER THEN CHEATED: This one I’m particularly not proud of. It’s the one time in my life, I legitimately (no gray area here) physically cheated on someone…and a good guy at that! We had broken up over something silly I said that really hurt him. He avoided me for weeks and then finally broke things off. I apologized for months…and that’s how long it took him to forgive me and take me back. In the midst of us working things out, he had to go away for business. The first night he was gone…I bumped into my ex (yea the ex from number 9 and yes the good guy was also the new guy from number 9) and I slipped and tripped on the dick for what felt like days! This wasn’t purposeful! However, it was in this moment that I realized…I could cheat! FUCK MY LIFE! To this day, I feel horrible about it except that forbidden cheating escapade was the last time I’ve ever had multiple orgasms! No bad deed ever goes unpunished! Lol. 7. THE SWITCH: “If your man starts acting up, switch and take his friend. Erase. Replace. Embrace…New Face!” It’s a damn shame I still have TLC’s “Switch” memorized to this day. Sigh lol. Now this wasn’t my best moment either. There was a time when I was seeing a good male friend of mine who had a girlfriend. It all just kind of accidentally happened as I typically do not mess with my true male friends. Things got kind of rocky and his frat brother made a play for me. I wasn’t really interested but I figured this dude is single and I’m single too! Needless to say, the shit back fired on me in many ways! My boy was so mad at me but he took me back and a few years later proposed marriage! Of course, I turned him down. I didn’t love him and there was just no way I could marry someone I did all my dirt with. There would be no trust for either of us! Plus I did not want to get married in my 20s. Sometimes I look back and think…I didn’t love him but he was the closest I ever came to having a best friend and lover in one. Never found that kind of connection again. NOTE: We supported each other through school, breakups, and disappointments in life. Somewhere I fell in love with our friendship and not him…long after we stopped messing around. In those years, he fell for me but I hadn’t viewed him as a possible partner in over 4 years by the time he proposed marriage. 6. THE BLOCK: Yes best believe if we break up, I’m blocking you on every social media! If it’s hard to because I don’t want folks in my business, I will take you out my newsfeed and my favorites list! And don’t even try to “ET phone home” me because your ass is blocked on my iPhone too! ?? Doesn’t matter whom broke up with whom! This is a ritual of mine. However, since I lived in the time before social networks, I use to have to block dudes via email!? 5. THE UNBLOCK: The owner of my hair salon gave me some great advice about breakups: “Karma takes too long sometimes. I can’t wait for Karma! So don’t block them. Exes will know you are still hurt. Let them see your profile picture so that they will know you are doing well! Success is the best revenge! Be your own Karma as you upload great photographs of a good life without them!” And she was so right! I know the ex factor checks my FB page as he sends me friend requests and that Elijah has access to my Whatsapp! Yes fuckers…eat it up because this bitch is in some killer heels with a Coca Cola bottle shape ready to step on your hearts and crush your dicks! And don’t let my 6 inch heels have access to your balls! Ouch?? 4. SILENT TREATMENT: Um don’t try to be my friend after a breakup! If he’s exiting the relationship…he better just keep on going unless we were originally real friends and even then….proceed with caution! All texts, phone calls, and direct messages on social media shall be read (yea I’m gonna read receipt you) and IGNORED! I’m looking for a lover and a friend to be my life partner. If a man I’m dating can’t be both then don’t try to be one of them! Keep it moving! ✌?️ 3. GET BACK TOGETHER AFTER HE BREAKS UP WITH ME JUST SO I CAN BREAKUP WITH HIM: Now I don’t necessarily do this one purposely. But if you have been reading this blog continuously, you know I love power and control on all levels! That’s right even in a breakup! I’ve been dumped 3 times in my life and they all made their way back to me. Guess who had the final “fuck you from here to eternity”?! ME! Petty I know but seriously…how dare they?! ?? 2. THE YOU AIN’T SHIT AND YOUR MAMA AIN’T SHIT EITHER EMAIL: Have you ever been cussed out by a Jamaican? Oh lawd! We are the worst! We cuss you, your whole generation, and the entire birth canal that brought you in this world! Avoid an argument with anyone from my island! Lol. I’ve generally sent an email or text to most of my dudes. I know you are reading this in shock and horror but breakups are ugly so cut me a little slack! Lol. The only men I’ve never dared to send one of these emails/texts while we were dating are the ones I truly loved (The Ex Factor and Elijah). I actually let the ex factor have the last word in our final break up. It was hard to do but I learned a long time ago that if you hurt someone you love…you will hurt a hundred times more! Julio never received this type of email/text in our relationship but over the last 19 years of him bugging me…he’s gotten a few of these messages as my so called friend. The message to take away from this is….if I’m not in love…the fuck you and your mama text may be coming. I can almost hear Autumn yell “Kingston Jael Michaels!” Of course, in total disappointment! Don’t worry Autumn, I think I’m reformed at this point. Haven’t done this in years but hey with me…you never know? Note: Autumn is the only other woman besides Mama Michaels who can say my full government name in a way that sends chills up and down my spine!? 1. THE BREAKUP TEXT: I don’t think I’ve ever broken up with a guy in person. It’s usually text or email. I think twice by letter/mail as a teenager! I know that’s bad but have you seen the ID Channel or Snapped? Ain’t nobody trying to end up on either. No way! I just text: “That’s why you and I ended over U N I” and then start dating the next dude ASAP! ~KJM on Hump Day saying don’t judge me! Lmfao. I am Queen Team Petty that’s for sure but who isn’t a work in progress?! This is probably a great time to shout out all the birth control and condom companies that have allowed me to be petty…SAFELY. ?