I WILL NOT COMPARE MY LIFE TO OTHERS. I will be perfectly happy with who I am and where I am in life. I will not let other people set my limitations. I no longer believe in limitations. Every morning I will rise with love in my heart and hope in my eyes. I will sing…off tune. I will dance…thankfully on beat. And when I grow tired…off beat I shall be with faith in each movement I make. You and I are a mess separately but together we are a perfect pair of madness. I will be grateful for the madness and the intense moments for they awakened my spirit and my heart. I will have faith in you…my home…my heart. I will have faith in myself. And I will have faith in us. Broken…I am no longer broken. I will heal myself with the Lord’s blessings. I won’t give up on my dreams. And when the difficult days come, I will dream bigger because it is in my destiny to do so. HE did not create me to be average. I will walk into my purpose faithfully. Never questioning the winds and the tides. I shall let the waves crash around me with no fear of drowning. And I will BREATHE life…even in spirit breaking moments. I will love you for all the days of my life. I won’t give up on you. I will stop comparing us to others. I will accept that our picture isn’t perfect and I will allow us room for error. I will be patient with you and…myself. I will turn our failures into victories and we shall build an empire from all the learned lessons. And I will find FREEDOM in knowing that this journey was created just for me!??And I will thank GOD for it!??~KJM on Charm School Monday aka the 4th of July…saying there is purpose and freedom in being our true selves. Do not be afraid to embrace it!? 

Serenity and peace cannot be found when we try to control the universe. I had to learn this lesson the hard way this week. The “unexpected small bump in the road” from earlier this week…unbeknownst to me at the time…was created by…ME! Sigh…starting over with someone you tried to make it work with is not easy. There I am in my car purposely looking for other cars that are getting too close to me….so that I can block them before I even know if they are really trying to crash into me! I accidentally laid an emotional trap for the Ex Factor and I’m the one that suffered for it. I’m going against everything I stand for by letting my heart rule instead of my mind. Every now and then my mind gets in the driver’s seat and gets me into trouble. I have to TRUST that he is trying and I have to TRUST that he will be good to me. It’s crazy because my brother,Junior, has this unwavering faith in the Ex Factor and I. Junior often tells me to fall back and have faith. I’m not sure I even know how to do that. I didn’t have these trust issues with Elijah because we had no history together so I could easily see where it was going with very little fear. And when it wasn’t working, I could easily walk away knowing that he wasn’t my home. The Ex Factor and I are on another level. To love him…to hate him…only to love him again….he is my heart string. Hurting him will hurt me ten times more. Learned that the hard way too over the last 6 years. Sigh…I hope y’all realize that I’m a work in progress too! It’s a day to day process….living, laughing, and loving. And I’m really trying not to be that frightened driver just learning to drive again after a terrible accident. I want to take road trips and be able to let the breeze run through my hair with a sense of feeling happy and with the ability to soak up life. I want to be able to love freely without fear. And I need to continue to believe God is in control. HIS plan is far greater than mine. So I need to relax and not create the small bumps in the road. If I continue to create these bumps I will block my own blessings! And you know how I feel about that! Time to just breathe and relax. That’s true serenity! FYI if you are wondering why I still blog about the Ex Factor even though he is now my present…it’s because this blog started with me transitioning from him, venturing out…only to figure out I love him more now than ever. It wasn’t an easy decision and I’m not sure how he will feel about these blogs but I just couldn’t leave you guys hanging! So you are still on this ride with me. Though I’m careful to not reveal what the bumps in the road are. After all…it is OUR road and some parts of the journey should just belong to us. Be patient with me. I’m terrified and I’m a mess but is it ever easy to hand over your entire heart to someone? To my great love, I say “ Hold, hold on, hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady Hold, hold on, hold onto me ‘Cause I’m a little unsteady A little unsteady.” ~KJM taking a breath on Serenity Saturday. Shout out to Junior, Willow, Grace, and Toi for being there when I indicted I needed to be uplifted. My village is tiny but as I’ve said before I can’t do this alone! Peace, love, and blessings to you all on this 4th of July weekend!? 

I…I knew it would happen but I was hoping later rather than sooner. And so the Ex Factor and I hit our first small bump in the road. I didn’t really see it coming but there I was shutting down and him sensing something was wrong but not quite sure what had upset me. The thing about trying to heal with the same person that broke your heart is it’s never an easy process. It’s like being in a car accident and surviving only to get back into your fixed car while trying to learn to trust the roads and other cars around you. If just one car gets too close…you flinch! Not because you are purposely holding on to the accident but because we are human beings and even if the mind wanted to forget…it still has the ability to signal other parts of your body to respond when faced with a painful memory. You following? So I’m in that car and two days ago another car came too close and suddenly there I was…reliving my broken and bruised self. I felt so disappointed in myself for crying about it. Numbness is my place of comfort. I like to not feel and just easily move pass things but that’s just not the case when I truly love a man. Sigh…so I’m here…trying to get over the small bump without running. I don’t think the Ex Factor knows he’s doing it. He lives day to day never choosing me…never keeping my feelings in mind. Part of loving someone, I believe, is learning to make them a priority in all you do. I feel like basketball, friends, family (well this I expect because family is forever), or even a random backyard barbecue that a friend of a friend is having is more important than me. This has been the main reason why I’ve left him so many times. He has never chosen me and I got so tired of choosing someone who I felt would never truly love me the way I deserve to be loved. I am a second or even worst…a last thought. And that pain I carried with me for the last 6 years. Even Julio (first love) tried to choose me at different points of the last 19 years we have known each other but I no longer wanted to be chosen by him. I wanted to take the risk that there was a greater and deeper love out there for me. I took the risk that it was possible for my heart to live outside my body. I had never felt it beat outside but I had to believe that a GREAT love could make it happen so I TOOK THE RISK and even though at times it’s been spirit crushing and heartbreaking…that risk was worth it. No one should settle for someone. LOVE should be worth the risk. And so I’m here riding over the familiar yet unexpected small bump in the road. I find myself shutting down. I find myself choking back tears. I find myself doubting us. But I promised myself I would see this through until I could go no further. Many times before I thought I hit that point of no return but what I’ve found is my love for the Ex Factor is greater and more powerful than even I imagined. I’m trying to live and breathe 1st Corinthians Ch 13…while a beautiful passage….it’s also one of the most difficult to embody!?? And so I’m trying to do what Grace suggested…love the Ex Factor harder during the difficult times. Boy that’s not easy but the best I’ve done is not run. I didn’t sleep the night before. Thankfully I was able to wake my brother Junior up and Willow text me just when I needed her to. Then I heard from Grace around 5am. They say it takes a village to raise a child (true)…but it also takes a small yet strong village to help support a relationship. It’s always good to have impartial people that are rooting for you both that will keep telling you to go back to the drawing board. So grateful for all my friends who reached out yesterday. I said it before…I can’t do this alone. I’m not built to. So back to this small bump in the road. I had not been sleeping and knew I needed to get some sleep last night. So I did the only thing I could. Talk to the one person that I would believe when he says it will be okay…my father…Papa Michaels. My father and I can discuss almost any topic but love is an odd one for us. He’s never known me to say I was in love. And so we chatted for two hours…during which my daddy had many questions for me. He said it seemed like the Ex Factor and I were far apart…me in California…and the Ex Factor in Jersey. No truer words have ever been spoken. My dad definitely didn’t understand what we were doing but truth be told the Ex Factor and I haven’t decided on that. I’m working 7 days a week and I’m sure for him…he’s dreading all the deep uncomfortable conversations like I am! That’s why we sweep so much dirt under the rug. No one (not even me) wants to roll up ourselves and face reality. I would rather write love sonnets and dream but of course that’s not how I run this blog! My dad asked if we are so apart and I’ve always envisioned myself alone permanently (never grew up dreaming of my wedding day or a family) why even try with the Ex Factor? And I replied with what I’ve been waiting to tell my daddy the last 6 years…I am in love with the Ex Factor!? So that’s why I’m trying to ride out all the bumps in the road. And that daddy understood. He just wants me to be happy. And so I fell asleep last night for most of the night. Even when I would periodically awaken…I reminded myself that it would be okay. And just in case you are wondering…I still stand by what I’ve said in the other blogs: I see my life with him, the odds are against us, and I’m not quite sure I believe we can make it BUT since he’s still in my heart…I have to take the risk. And if I get my heart broken again…I will move forward singing: “And another one bites the dust Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad But there were so many red flags Now another one bites the dust Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one You did not break me I’m still fighting for peace Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, But your blade—it might be too sharp I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard, Yeah, I may snap and I move fast But you won’t see me fall apart ‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart I’ve got an elastic heart Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heart” AND LIFE WILL STILL GO ON BEAUTIFULLY! ~KJM saying pray for us on Throwback Thursday!?? 

Happiness. A smile that lit up the world. Patience. Positive energy. She understood me like a big sister. And laughter! Boy did we laugh. She was the center of our friendship circle. The last time I laid eyes on her was in the winter of 2015 at a wine festival and I (of course) was acting like a big baby because I wasn’t really having fun. I pouted and rolled my eyes a few times as I tasted some bitter wines. She pulled me aside to remind me that life was beautiful because we were all together. And then I became calm again. Months went by and we spoke often but life had made it that I would never see her again. “Fly butterfly fly” were the last words she spoke to me on my birthday…in the spring. By then I had moved back to my home state but still hoped to visit her when all the summer plans she made in winter came to be. I thought…I will show up for the summer wine tour. I will get on that bus. I will drink funny tasting wines and I will laugh with my friends on the wine bus. I can do that. I will do that because even though I was happy about my move…I missed them. Missed the brunches, happy hours, girls’ nights watching marathons of Big Freedia, and just moments filled with perfectly homemade mixed drinks. I had no clue that…that spring I would long for winter 2014 in a way I had never longed for any other winter. I wanted to feel the cold on my face. Would give anything to taste those bitter wines. Life is crazy that way. Someone we love is taken away from us in a moment’s notice and we start to long for even the miserable moments with them. We start to even miss pain…the pain of living out uncomfortable moments with the people we truly care about…because that is preferable to the empty gaping hole their passing left in our hearts. I want to say I had no clue that HE would take her from us but the weekend before her passing I got this strong feeling to call her and our other friend, Hope. Hope had just posted a stressful work day status on Facebook so I called her first and left the next day for Michele. I’m just saying her real name because there’s no way I could have started off this blog with saying her name without bursting into tears. I had to make you wonder about her and learn her through each word, phrase, and sentence. I wanted you to feel her…her spirit before I said her name. I wanted you to experience my loss…word for word. The next day…I would forget to call her. The Ex Factor wasn’t feeling well and I was trying to keep my cool as we were suppose to be celebrating my birthday. Huge rain and wind storms blew through from the Midwest that affected the north and my family were all stuck in whatever respective states they were trying to travel back from. It felt like the world was ending never realizing a piece of mine was. Michele was getting ready to transition and my spirit knew it before my mind could wrap my head around it. The storms continued and it was a rocky couple of days. Then silence. And then sun. The sun came out and I didn’t quite know it then but God had completely transitioned Michele and right before our broken hearts she would turn into the beautiful butterfly she told me to be. The way I found out was painful but it was nothing compared to what my Richmond friends went through…finding her body in her town house. A place where we laughed and drank mixed drinks and laughed some more. The place where I’ve spent many evenings sipping cocktails and complaining about my unfulfilling job. Where did the time go? Why had I been complaining so much? Why wasn’t I in a better mood at the wine festival? WHY DID I NOT APPRECIATE WINTER?! How I long for the snow. I never knew she was going to stay in spring…the last time I saw her. I miss her smile…the sunshine she brought to our group. And I pray that her transition was painless. The guilt would stay with me for almost a year…the guilt of suddenly leaving…the guilt of not being able to travel back for her funeral…the guilt of wanting to lay in my bed for months but instead working 7 days a week straight so that I could cry around my desk 4 hours a day behind dark sunglasses…the guilt of knowing what my friends went through and I wasn’t there…and the guilt of knowing that I had some more time on my life. The guilt of knowing I can still get married and have children yet I had no plans to. The guilt of knowing the weekend I felt the most compelled to call her…I was with the Ex Factor. I thought her final message to me was to leave him and explore life. Now I feel that it was no coincidence that as she was beginning her transition…I was with him. He is my heart and I believe…my future. I never truly dreamed of a future until I met him. And even that guilt was consuming….that I could still dream. Why did I not get a feeling sooner that she was transitioning? Why did God allow me to suddenly move a month and a half before Michele passed? Why did HE take her so soon?! We are left with so many questions…that will always be left unanswered. My only saving grace was that Michele’s Spring would meet with my Grandmother, Gloria’s, Autumn and they would comfort each other with smiles and laughter of the beautiful seasons while remembering the times they spent in Winter and Summer with their loved ones. No matter what anyone says…you always feel grief. It never quite disappears. Sometimes it will catch you off guard and swallow you up. Other times it will inspire you to fly like a butterfly into life and love. That’s where I am this summer…breathing an intoxicating love that is so imperfect that God created it just for me! I am embracing the warmth of summer…never forgetting about Autumn and Spring. I’m thrusting myself to a place where sorrow breathes life and hope. I am loving the Ex Factor in all seasons. His heart carries my heart in it. She stayed in Spring but her final message to me will last through all the seasons of my life. Each day we live. Each day we breathe. And each day we love…for those who can no longer do so. Spring is always around me. I can feel it. And it gives me comfort knowing that I was chosen to LIVE it…for now. Spring and Autumn gave birth to my heart’s content and I’m forever grateful for the times I spent in those seasons. I am forever grateful for heartbreaking, love inspiring, breathtaking, and fire breathing LOVE. ~KJM on Serenity Saturday? In loving memory of Michele Monique Johnson? 

Yesterday evening, I saw a young teenage couple eating pizza as they waited for their bus. Short (as in height) and happy…it reminded me of Julio and I when we were teenagers…before my growth spurt continued and his stopped. Lol. Their innocence wasn’t full of overly sexual PDAs. It was just them being teenagers, enjoying pizza, and dare I say it…enjoying being in love for the first time. I watched them from afar missing that feeling of everything being a “FIRST.” Don’t get me wrong…I still have firsts in my life but they aren’t met with the same openness and world conquering view like they were when I was a teenager. From the first time I held hands with him to our first kiss (which all happened on our first date…my sophomore semi formal)…I saw a tenderness in Julio that I had never seen in any guy before. And so our puppy love began (and lasted for over 10 years) with me being distant and harsh and him being so full of love and care. Yea those were our teenage years. No matter my mistakes, he held my hands through it. Then we began adults and the roles reversed. I kept waiting for Julio to turn back into that patient and loving young man from the Bronx that I fell hard for but it never happened. You ever waited for someone to be the person you first fell in love with? This is the reason why I don’t believe in young marriages (though I know some do survive)…you barely know who you are much less to know who the other person is. There will be times both of you will lose yourselves and only the strongest couples will survive each transition. I do believe even in more mature relationships there are huge transitions but I feel at some point we come to terms with who we are and what we want after long periods of self exploration…and…MISTAKES! And those learned mistakes make us better people. In the Julio era, I had this need to find myself…to be free…to explore…to move all over the country…and to travel. Julio, on the other hand, wanted everything to stay the same…especially ME. He never trusted that after all my adventures, I would still choose him. That selfishness and that need for control are why I eventually fell out of love with Julio. To this day, over 19 years later, I don’t believe it’s love he feels for me. It’s familiarity. No self respecting woman wants familiarity over true and everlasting love! At least…I sure don’t. In the beginning, I felt so loved by Julio and as time went by…the fire (arguments, time, fights for power and control) burned even the most tender feeling I had in my heart for him. But it’s these lessons that let me know early on that Elijah and I would never work out. I always escape from control. True love should be free. Control is not love. It’s fear. Fear cannot hold a person forever…only love can do that by setting them free in the process and knowing that they are choosing you every day BY CHOICE. And that’s how I know there is hope for the Ex Factor and I….for even after 6 years of ups and downs…NOW is the time I feel the most loved. I’m not looking for him to return to the person I fell for…I’m watching us evolve into two people who are choosing each other BY CHOICE! And only time will tell if we continue to do so. Have we had fires?! Yes fucking bonfires! But if I’m reading us right, I think we decided to put all the bad things in the bonfire…hug it out and leave the ashes behind. Not everything has to be lost in the fire. Each thing we throw in should be a sign of a rebirth of at least two beautiful things. For every hurt put in the fire, a stronger love and bond should have ascended in the air…breathing life into even the most lifeless situations. At least that’s what I hope….~KJM on Throwback remembering the “FIRSTS” and all the painfully beautiful lessons that followed. 

This weekend it felt like the world had lost its mind. Love fell out the window and hate settled in. I am easily influenced by sad news so I solemnly laid in my bed all day as I read updates on the deadly shooting that took place in Orlando. I felt a tear fall from my eyes when it was reported that 50 people were dead…50 people were never going to see their loved ones again…and at least 53 others injured. I. Felt. That. Sadness. And it got me to reflecting on my own life. LOVE is the answer to every painful encounter. No greater feeling (Willow has been telling me this for years). But am I certain of the love before me? NO! However, I am certain that the Ex Factor is the one true love I have had up until this point in my life…but…I don’t want you to think that I know what I am doing…that I am certain we should be working things out. No I am not certain. Who can be after being hurt, hurting their love, walking away at a moment’s notice, and learning to forgive each other for every painful mistake. Who in the world can be certain of that?! If you are looking for this great and perfect love story…STOP reading now because I cannot guarantee that. Love could kick my ass again. That’s what I signed up for…walking into the unknown…never knowing what each day may bring. My faith and my trust lies within myself and God…not him. Rebuilding to be better takes time and takes WORK. I am not sure if we were meant to do the work with each other. I am certain of NOTHING except for no matter the outcome…I will be okay. Over the years, I have trained myself to allow my mind to make all major decisions…not my heart. My mind got tired of Julio and Elijah. My heart was so exhausted (more so from Julio) that she let my mind rule. That’s how I have trained myself since I was 15 years old. I will admit that my heart is open in a way that I have never seen before but that could just be a symptom of timing or true love…only time will tell. I don’t want you to think that I know what I am doing. It’s like I’m gambling in Vegas and I’ve just bet the house. I am taking a risk. I am gambling. I am breathing into the only true love I have ever had. I could walk away with everything or nothing. But that’s what you do in love. Of course, I have one caveat…there has never been a man that I have chosen over myself. So because I know it is in my nature to choose ME even when it is not easy to do so…I shall bet the house.?? Anyone who tells you they are certain really mean that they are certain in this moment and time. They can’t really be saying they are certain from here to eternity. Eternity is God’s work…not humans. So no I’m not sure and I have no clue what I am doing. Truth be told, I have never stuck it out with any man. I left Julio so many times over a 10 year span (too many times for me to count and some of those times he deserved to be left) that we only ended because he left me once….our final break up. From there I fell out of love and then out of like that when he wanted to work things out…my heart had permanently moved on. I’m not sure if I’m built for marriage and a family but that doesn’t mean that I do not believe in them. I am just not sure what my story holds. I am open to having it all with God’s blessings (with the Ex Factor) or having none of it. The Ex Factor is my heart’s desire but only time shall tell if it was really meant to be. So please stick with me on this unknown journey…realizing that I do not know all the answers. I do, however, have the key to a bunch of questions. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.