Yesterday’s “Awaiting BOAZ Letter 10” was the most powerful letter I have written so far. The response was big (for my blog) and the comments kept me inspired. However, there was one thing still really bothering me. I felt so uncomfortable in my current situationship with the Ex Factor. At first…I thought this feeling came from me being unsure of what I want to do next but that wasn’t it. It was deeper. I’m not confused…I’m just trying to persuade myself that I’m really leaving him this time for I don’t want to keep disappointing myself nor do I want to end up a spinster. ? Still…there’s this feeling I carry with me. Even though I’m use to readers ripping every little thing about my life apart…it comes with the territory of being a lifestyle blogger…I am afraid of being viewed as weak. Since 2010, people have told me (folks that I never asked their advice) that it won’t work. ?There were so many easier years with him that I bailed. Now…when things are at their ugliest with the Ex Factor is when I want to stay down?! It’s the craziest thing. I must be insane! There are better men that can commit easily but that does not mean I will care for them! And the Ex Factor (I’ve said this repeatedly) is the first and only man that’s ever truly made me consider having children. Even if I move on (or when I move on)…my womb is not interchangeable and neither is my heart. Some say I’m settling and they are so right…but in my opinion…there are two types of settling: (1) Choosing anyone to settle down with and (2) Staying with a person you care for knowing that you need more and they just aren’t giving more. These are tragedies most of us have seen (one or both) in a lifetime (and I know this for a fact as I have many friends on their second marriages and some even headed for their third. No judgement here…just an observation). It’s a disaster to settle for any reason but to me the former is unbearable. I did it with Mister Toss Salad AND Elijah. SETTLED! ? Both could commit more than the Ex Factor…so I went with them. Every day with a man I did not care for nor could really stand was heart wrenching. I could feel my spirit leave my body. I could feel my soul dying. I thought I had died. Love is not like finding a better job….a resume can say yes this is the one…but your heart says no. I’ve had friends that dated a man for ten years and then he went off and married someone else. Then I have friends that either married the same person twice (after much growth) or dated for years…broke up and then found each other again and married. Then I have some friends/associates who stayed down for all those years…in the trenches…and are now engaged or married! ?? One never knows how the story will pan out! ? While I am aware of what the odds were in each situation and I know that the odds are not in my favor…I have to be the one to decide if and when I leave. I’ve done it before…and he always comes back and finds me. I’m sure we are both comfortable, exhausted, and frustrated over the whole damn situation. ? And maybe you guys are even tired of reading about it. Lol. Sorry about that. But I believe what’s for me is for me! Julio was very much in my life when I fell for the Ex Factor! And no one thought I would ever permanently leave Julio…but I did. So if there’s a better man for me than the Ex Factor…God will open my heart and my mind like HE did 7 years ago! And if God would be so kind…maybe He will work on the Ex Factor’s heart. If not…I still have faith that love is on the way. ?? I feel that now more than ever. Lastly, if I’ve come to you for advice (very few people in this circle), I am not upset at any advice you gave because I ASKED! I only get annoyed with the folks giving out unsolicited advice knowing that their shit is just as messed up! ✌?Miss me with all of that! ✌? No matter what…God has not abandoned me so through Him…I’m going to continue to work on myself. That’s all I can do. I cannot control the Ex Factor…though I’ve tried at times. To my friends…thanks for sticking with me on this journey! To my readers, I could never have grown so much without you all. Writing is so therapeutic for me. I heal as I write every word. Thank you! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. And if anyone is wondering…I’m still an open agent to meet new guys. If an interested man is reading this…you won’t have the same luck/luxury the Ex Factor did. You better be about that WIFE life and appreciate the journey I went through to get to you! ? Lastly, to Nicole, Grace, and my brother, Junior…thanks for believing in us and giving hope to the hopeless. I understand that my decisions are mine to make but it’s so great to have you guys to confide in. I hope you never get tired of it! Lol. And if I ever grow into being a great wife…from some deserving man…it will be from the skills you all taught me. ?
The Middle
by admin