Sex Archives - Page 21 of 27 - Kingston Expressions

The Little Blow Job That Could (The I Am Mortified Edition)

January 27, 2016 by admin

Let me start off by saying that this is the one topic I shy away from. Every time it comes up, I want to crawl under the earth. And no it’s not because I’m some sort of religious freak…it’s because I suck at it! ? There are so many areas in the bedroom that I excel in but like most students…you can’t get an A plus in everything. Getting a D hurts my feelings though. ? As my feelings get deeper for Elijah, I think about how I want to increase our sexual experience. I want to please and be pleased. Right now he probably thinks I’m not open to head but that’s further from the truth. I’m just waiting for the right time to discuss my concerns with him. And lawd knows by discussing it openly with my readers first, I run the risk of my parents reading this. To them I say…you did not waste your money on 13 years of Catholic school! Jesus was out there preaching to the pimps and hoes so I’m pretty sure the blow job existed BC (before Christ). HE had to deal with the topic and so do I! And if you read this in detail, I’m pretty sure Mama Michaels is disgusted (she is one of those undercover freaks who pretend to be Jesus’ cousin) and Papa Michaels is thinking…’well this is TMI but at least I know my daughter isn’t selfish!’ Lol! Ok before I lose my nerve…let’s bravely go where most of you dare not…lets talk openly about 15 HARD facts about the little blow job that could…my journey into giving Elijah the perfect blow job!

15. JULIO WAS THE FIRST! As most of you know, Julio and I lost our virginities to each other my second semester of college…almost 3 years into dating. He has been my first for almost everything. Coincidentally, he was the first guy to indicate I sucked at giving head. No pun intended. We slept with each other on and off January 2000-January 2010. Later on in life, Julio became one of two guys who enjoyed my blow job. Because we were each other’s first…I hope he would agree with me here…what he had on his body was meant for me to explore and what I had was for him. It felt like that for a long time until I met and fell in love with the ex factor in June 2010.

14. PHOENIX PUT ME ON TO BLOW JOBS! While Julio was my first, when I met Phoenix in Maryland…my first year after graduating from college…he turned me out. Julio and Phoenix make up all my first sexual experiences except multiple orgasms and that tossed salad fiasco! Lmfao! Up until 2015, Phoenix and I had an on and off again friendship from January 2004-September 2014. I could open up to him sexually in a way I thought I could only do with Julio. Plus Phoenix is a freak! He taught me so much about my body and he was so patient. Four years younger than me, Phoenix had the makings of a porn star and the mind of a doctor! I’m forever grateful for the times he held me and tried to fuck my broken heart away. Baby boy, I hope you are doing well in your new career, parenthood, and love?

13. I DO NOT SUCK MOST DUDES’ DICKS! I’m very selective about my sex partners…though every now and then I make some bad choices! Not every man I slept with…got a blow job from me. Fellatio to me is a sign of trust (yea I know some of y’all suck dick like you pop tic tacs…no judgement here but that’s just not me). I have to feel like I care about the guy, trust him, and an open to exploring him.

12. THE EX FACTOR WAS WEIRD ABOUT HEAD! Part of why I need a remedial head class was the last guy I dated on and off for 5 years. He didn’t eat pussy (typical Jamaican man…though I know some that do! Lol) and since that’s not my favorite thing (though now I need it in my life) I never brought it up. Even worse, he had this thing that if I gave him head…I couldn’t kiss him after! What the fuck?! I should never have sucked his dick but unfortunately he explained this to me while I was going down on him! What a fucking turn off! So during the 5 years I hardly gave him head…especially once I felt like he was seeing other women. I just stopped venturing down there. It’s funny because I use to think the ex factor and I had a great sex life but In actuality it was terrible for me! I did all the work, he never ate my pussy, and he was the only one cuming! I’m dry just thinking about it! FYI the ex factor claimed he asked some of his male friends and they said they didn’t let women kiss them after blow jobs! Yea ok…they lied to him! They probably tasted their own cum so many times they had a recipe for how they wanted it prepared! ✌?

11. MY SISTER BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 1! That’s right…shit is so bad my baby sister is giving me tips on sucking dick! Brenda says I’ve to aggressively stare at the penis and Elijah in their face as I perform fellatio! Ok I’m going to throw up now! Why the fuck I got to stare at the penis aggressively?! Is the penis going to fight me? And I kind of like to hide under the covers while I perform?

10. I HAVE SEEN THE LOOK OF BOREDOM ON GUYS’ FACES AS I GIVE HEAD! Ugh. I try to get it over with quickly! Every now and then I would look up and he looked like he was about to fall asleep! I didn’t lose my cool. I just moved on to my other tricks that made their eyes roll in the back of their heads. I’m a rider and I’m a pleasure is pain woman when with the right open partner. Head though…ugh! I’m behind!

9. DID I MISS SOME SUCK DICK CLASS? Every woman I talk to…including my sister, Brenda, says they are great at blow jobs! Where was I when that class was taught?! No seriously…I’ve always been a good student! Can I get a make up class?!

8. I WANT TO GIVE ONLY ELIJAH TRUE PLEASURE! While I’ve always known my head game was an issue…I only recently started to get seriously worried! I just want to learn how to do it the way Elijah likes!

7. NO TWO BLOW JOBS ARE CREATED EQUAL! Even though I’m behind in the times, I know that no two men like their dick sucked the same way. Hence why some men enjoyed my job and many others didn’t!

6. BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 2! My sister says I should watch porn hub to get ideas. What the fuck is porn hub? I’m up on the facebooks, instagrams, and even snap chat…yet someone forgot to tell me to subscribe to porn hub? Will this really help?

5. SWALLOWING! Julio’s daily average cum could fill up two red cups! Ugh…so through that experience I learned that swallowing should just be a treat. I’ve done it only a few times….FUCK I don’t even like to drink milk and I hate mayonnaise! Surprisingly, I get a standing ovation when I swallow. Ugh…I try not to leave a drop…? I think of it like vodka shots. If you let the vodka hit your tongue on the first shot, you won’t be able to do shots all night. That shit has to hit the back of your throat and you swallow. Also, other ingredients help like whipped cream or my favorite with Phoenix…pancake syrup! Lol. Don’t knock it until you try it!

4. BALLS! What to do with balls to increase the experience? Phoenix had some of the biggest balls I’ve ever seen. They looked like the balls of a horse! I tried to lick around them but then I just got so fucking tired! Still…I know that balls are a part of the process! Just can’t avoid them!

3. THE ZONE BETWEEN BALLS AND THE ASSHOLE…BRENDA’S ADVICE PART 3! Everyone including Brenda knows about this area but me. I’ve been told time and time again that when a man is close to climaxing that I should gentle put my thumb in this area! What the fuck….I’ve a gel manicure! Are women out there really doing this? Does it increase his climax? Inquiring thumbs want to know!

2. MY FRIENDS’ ADVICE! Willow has these beautiful full lips so I know she doesn’t have an issue in this area. Grace, one of two of my married female friends that I go to for relationship advice…who is married with 2 kids in FL (shit that was a lot to say), says her husband is the only man she has ever given fellatio to. She says he’s patient as she learns how to do it. I hope Elijah will be patient too because I’m challenged! And lastly, Tiffany (you remember her from my online dating article), says she excels in this area but not riding (being on top)! I guess every woman has something she needs to perfect! We tried to swop sex advice like we were swopping recipes?? Seriously…what is this world coming to? Ok now I’m traumatized!

1. THE NO TEETH MINI EDITION! Number 1 rule is no teeth! Even I know that…even though some men like a little teeth when they are feeling extra freaky! Still though…so much goes into giving a good blow job? ~KJM on Hump Day saying sucking dick ain’t easy. Do it right, get it wet, put pressure on that weird zone between the balls and the asshole, and swallow…don’t spit and then…fucking repeat! Wtf! Taking the SATs was way easier! FML!

Times I Should Have Taken The High Road But Instead Found Myself Chilling On The Low Road (The Anger Management Edition)

January 26, 2016 by admin

My official dating life started when I was almost 16 years old. I met my first love, Julio, and it was a wrap. Love at first sight had taken over my life. What I did not foresee, however, were the highs and lows of dating. I did not know that under this calm, cool, and collected skin…was an angry bitch! Not only would I get angry but I had this bad habit of letting dudes know in the middle of the night. First it was with 2am phone calls, then handwritten letters mailed to his mama’s house, then it was through email, then through instant messaging (AIM), and the worst of them all, these motherfuckers created…TEXT MESSAGES! Ugh. I never threatened anyone but I always reminded them that they were getting their annual “you ain’t shit reminder” brought to them by…ME! Ugh again!

Looking back, there were so many times I regretted not taking the high road in relationships. But fuck it…I would be lying if I didn’t admit…there were also times it felt fucking great to tell a “aint shit dude” where to go! LOL. Seriously though, if you want to one day be a good spouse for someone, you have to learn to control your emotions. 2015 was the year I mastered this lesson despite having two personalities (I am a Gemini). Here are some of the times I should have taken the high road but instead found myself chilling on the low road (unhappily):

7. THE TIME HE IGNORED ME! I do not know why guys do this…but sometimes they ignore us and leave us feeling like we did something wrong. At first, I am worried about him but as time goes on my other personality starts to ask…I know he isn’t trying to play us? From there I start crying, then I get mad that he made me cry, and before you know it, I am sending him a full blown fuck you email! Yikes! The issue with this is…we have no clue why they are ignoring us. His grandmother could have just died! Fuck My Life! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Be patient and wait for him to reach out to you. Something terrible could have seriously happened and you could have just added to it. Patience, while I hate it, is needed in any good relationship. Not to mention…we have to check our egos because as you may know…not everything is about you boo!

6. THE TIME HE DID NOT COMMUNICATE IN A MANNER I FOUND ACCEPTABLE! Women and men really do communicate differently. That difference in communication can be so challenging in our relationships. We pour our hearts out to men and they respond the best they can. Sometimes, however, their response pisses us the fuck off. For example, I loathe when I send a guy I am dating a long text message about my stressful day and he hits me with a response like “OK!” He did not even take the time to spell out “OKAY” and I just lose it! Like was he even listening?! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: According to my brother, Junior, men sometimes do not know what to say to a woman but know they need to respond. If they can’t fix our problem, they feel helpless and that sometimes produces the lackluster responses we receive from them. Best thing to do in this situation is to communicate explicitly with your man what you want and need from him. Expecting him to be a mind reader will have you slashing his tires before daybreak! Girlfriend…don’t do it!

5. THE TIME I GOT JEALOUS! The ex factor is almost 7 feet tall. Whenever we went out…men and women would stop, stare, and speak to him. It use to piss me off when he would hug female friends in front of me. Like why the fuck did he have to put his entire body into that hug?! Once again…I would lose it or would be silently plotting his death once she walked away. Just kidding here but you know what I mean. How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Understand that both you and your man will have people of the opposite sex in your lives. If he is a good man…he will only want you. Not to mention, you should tackle issues as soon as they arise unless your current location is not the time nor place for that discussion. Waiting until 2am to call him up and cuss him out is…kind of crazy especially if the incident happened last month. 🙁

4. THE TIME I COULD NOT LET GO OF THE PAST! I have this bad habit of not being able to let go of the past and I know exactly where I got it from….the Michaels! As long as I have known my parents, my dad always brings up 1978 (the year he met my mother) in a bad way and each parent focuses on what the other did in the past. They don’t just stop there….they also take it to what their families did. According to Mama Michaels, my dad’s family whored around and Papa Michaels claps back with the fact that my mom’s mom worships the devil (probably some evidence of the truth here). 1978 must have been a rough year! If you, like the Michaels family, are struggling with letting go of past hurts in your relationship while working to rebuild it…angry emails, phone calls, and texts about the past sure won’t help! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: First off, I want you to get a look of yourself. Yea you! If you choose to move forward in your relationship after promising to forgive, you sure look stupid texting that you think he got issues because his mama was a pimp! Catch yourself and realize that it is either you guys start from scratch or you let the relationship go. Do not make yourself crazy with continuously reliving past hurts! I am not even going to lie…I am still a work in progress when it comes to this lesson. But to the Michaels family…1978 was a long fucking time ago! Forgive the pimp and the devil worshipper and move forward with love in your hearts!

3. THE TIME HE CHEATED! I can just picture you “digging your keys into the side of his pretty little suped up 4 wheel drive” and singing Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats.” Girlfriend….don’t do it! We have all been there. No need to go into stalker mode! Just move on! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Just leave him alone. There is a crime called communicating threats. Don’t write, call, text, nor email. Just run and go get yourself checked out by a physician.

2. THE TIME I SAID “I LOVE YOU” FIRST AND HE SAID WELL…NOTHING! Now this one really pisses me off. Makes me want to bust the windows out his car! Just kidding once again! One of the worst feelings ever is to be vulnerable and open up yourself to someone you love and them not return that love. Either he doesn’t love you or he is not ready to say it. Whatever the reason is…we get hurt and our egos step in! And so the 4am nasty text messages begin…as if that is going to make him say “I Love You” faster! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: Best thing to do here is to first be easy of yourself. You are human and it is an awesome feeling to love. It sucks that he may not return that love but just know that one day the right man will. Cry it out if need be but whatever you do…put the phone down! If there is a slim chance that he may love you but is not ready to say it…you will surely blow it if you send a “you ain’t shit” text message in the middle of the night!

1. WHEN HE BROKE UP WITH ME! No one likes being broken up with. It is a shitty feeling. I’ve dealt with breakups in two ways: cry over the phone or cuss his ass out. The latter is my favorite. Cussing him out at 4am through text messages is just going to reaffirm his decision to dump you! How I Could Have Taken The High Road: What I should have done was: cry it out, talk with my friends about it, start going out again, and just enjoy my new single life. If you were a good woman…he will not only miss you…but he will probably be begging for you to take him back. No need to lose your cool. Hold your head up high and continue to take the high road. Sewer rats eventually come up to the surface…meaning you are sure to hear from him again if you were good to him!

~KJM on Temptation Tuesday saying “you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them!” Take the high road at all times and you will not only like yourself more but have healthier relationships.

Enter The Female Pleasure Zone (The Darling Nikki Meets Oops…Oh My Edition)

January 21, 2016 by admin

Lately, I have been a little stressed. When I get this way, all my creative juices dry up. No pun intended. LOL. One thing that always puts a smile on my face is masturbating! We know men do it but for some reason women shy away from it! I remember watching an episode of “The Oprah Winfrey” show and hearing women in their 30s and 40s…admit to never touching themselves! What the fuck? My vagina is at the center of all I do. “She” is smart, fierce, and when she wants to…she brings me true pleasure!

I started masturbating at the tender age of 14! My body just had these urges and I knew I didn’t want to share myself with anyone else. Masturbating was so good for me that even when I met my first love, Julio….I made him wait until I was almost 19 (2.5 years into our relationship) to lose our virginities! I am so proud of myself that I feel like getting under my covers and touching myself now! Ok….before I get carried away…back to why women should masturbate proudly! This one is for my sister, Brenda and all the women who do not see the benefits of masturbation or are too uncomfortable with the topic to embrace it. Before I take you there, bare in mind that my college nickname was “Oops” based on two songs: “Oops I Did It Again” by Britney Spears and “Oops (Oh My)” by Tweet which is actually about female masturbation! Score! Okay ladies please take a tour with “Oops” deep down masturbation lane. You are now entering the female pleasure zone….buckle up and get ready to moan! Here are the top 10 reasons why you should be touching yourself:

10. IT’S A QUICK WAY TO RELIEVE STRESS! Why go for a run or have a drink after a long day at work when all the relaxation you need is right inside of you?! Suggestion: Run a hot bath and slowly get to know “her.” Start with massaging your clit. If you still need some help to relax and play, grab that glass of wine! Wine, a hot bath, and masturbation…what a way to end a stressful day!

9. IT ENHANCES YOUR PORN EXPERIENCE! I don’t know if any of you are like me but I usually fall asleep on porn movies. There is simply no plot and a creepy cock as the main focus. One of the ways that I enhance my porn experience…is watching as I use one of my vibrators on my clit. That stimulation alone…gets me off quickly! Suggestion: Try it. Break out one of your toys (buy one if you don’t have one) the next time you feel like watching porn. It will definitely enhance your experience.

8. IT’S A SINGLE WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND! Instead of hooking up with random guy after random guy (no judgment here), you could be pleasuring yourself while you are patiently waiting to bump into the right man. If that pussy is nice and tight…he will thank you later for not running it through 5 million guys! Suggestion: This is the new celibacy. No more getting horny and going to bed sad. Pull out the “jack rabbit” and make it a Hulu night until you find the one!

7. NO STD RISK! Piggybacking off of number 8…the more time you spend sexing yourself, the less you have to worry about risky sex partners. You are a party of one and climaxing is oh so fun! Suggestion: Get to know you so that you have an idea of what you are looking for in a sexual relationship with another partner!

6. CLIMAXING IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL! I tend to have a hard time climaxing with a man inside of me. On the bright side, I can almost always climax when my vibrator stimulates my clit. I prefer vaginal orgasms but until I can achieve those again…why give up cuming all together?! Suggestion: Climaxing a few times a week will definitely put a smile on your face.

5. PROMOTES MONOGAMY IN A RELATIOSHIP! Some of you have men that are in the military or travel a lot for work. Masturbation is a great way to stay loyal to your man while still meeting your every day needs. Suggestion: Try this out the next time your man is going to be away for a while. Between phone sex and masturbation….the sexual chemistry probably won’t die between the two of you.

4. MASTURBATION IS A GOOD WAY TO LEARN YOUR OWN BODY! To all my virgins and/or inexperienced readers, at some point in life you will have to have a conversation with a partner about what you need in the bedroom. When you have spent time studying your vagina and learning how to please her…it is so much easier to point a partner into the right direction. Suggestion: Try it and you can easily draw a map to your next orgasm!

3. MASTURBATION IS A VEHICLE FOR OPEN COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR PARTNER! All the time you have spent pleasing yourself will never go to waste. I’ve mentioned it before but it is worth repeating…when you know your body well…you can guide someone else to your mountain top. Taking things a step further, being open with yourself gives you the tools to verbally be open with your partner. You will be more likely to request certain things in the bedroom, be willing to be taught by your partner on how to please him, and more importantly, be more willing to discuss when there are major issues in your sex life. Suggestion: Explore yourself and be ready to explore your partner. The longer you are in a relationship, the more a continuous conversation about pleasuring each other will need to come up. People’s needs and wants tend to change over time. This means even you will change over time. The way I pleased myself at 14 years old is NOT how I please myself now. Even the frequency of my need to masturbate has changed. When you realize you are changing naturally…it’s fathomable that your partner may change too!

2. IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT! This should be a no brainer but of course masturbation feels awesome. Like any great consensual sexual act, you get to watch yourself go from zero to one hundred as you climax. And best part is…you know you made it happen! Suggestion: Don’t be afraid to enjoy your sexuality. All you have should be for you to enjoy first…before you decide to give yourself to someone else.

1. MASTURBATION IS A GREAT WAY TO TEACH A YOUNG GIRL HOW TO APPRECIATE HER BODY! There is so much body shaming of young women today. Between being encouraged to be a size 0 and also have a big ass…the world is a crazy place for young women. I know some of you may doubt me but masturbation teaches a young woman how to love her body, appreciate it, and train it to be disciplined. When a woman knows how to take care of her own needs…she has no need to seek from the world answers she can find within herself. Suggestion: For those of you with teenage daughters, have the sex and masturbation talk with them. Don’t let the world educate your daughter on her worth and her sexuality. Knowledge
should start with you! ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying shout out to Prince and Tweet as I sing:

“I knew a girl named Nikki
I guess you could say she was a sex fiend
I met her in a hotel lobby
Masturbating with a magazine
She said how’d you like to waste some time
And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind!”
~ “Darling Nikki” by Prince

You Are Like Um…Doing That Wrong

January 17, 2016 by admin

The key to what makes a woman climax is different for every woman. However, if a man is more focused on getting his dick sucked than making sure his woman climaxes…well let’s just say that when she walks away…he will not be remembered in a good way! The last time I climaxed through sex was with Phoenix in May 2010. Thank you boo! I can’t wait for the day where I feel sexually and emotionally fulfilled. When we care about a man…it’s hard for us to say to him…um you are not doing that right! Try again! But it’s so important we learn to say those things. Communication leads to a very happy sex life for both parties! So don’t be like me with the ex factor…start the conversation! Get up and say…I’M NOT CUMING AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT ANYMORE! ~KJM saying I’ve faith Elijah will get the job done! I’ve to just let go of my baggage.

Reminiscing On Sex The Way It Never Was

January 17, 2016 by admin

The deeper my feelings get for Elijah is the more I want to please him. The last time we had sex I was mentally somewhere else. It wasn’t his fault. What I found out from talking with my sister, Brenda, is that I did not have a good sex life with the ex factor. The ex factor made me do all the work, never gave me head, and most of the time was just focused on himself. Part of it was my fault. Because I loved him so much…every touch felt magical and I never once said…hey I’m not cuming here and we need to work on that. So now sex with Elijah seems intimidating because I feel like I’ve to unlearn everything I did with the ex factor for the last 5 years! Sex should be reciprocal. I should never have let the ex factor get away with feeling like he pleased me when in actuality…he didn’t. The times our sex life was good really was in the beginning. I haven’t climaxed vaginally since May 2010 (before meeting the ex factor)! Things are so bad my 22 year old sister is giving me sex advice! I’m mortified!!! Fuck my life! Elijah if you are reading this…don’t give up on me. Stay patient and understanding. I believe in us! ~KJM saying I think a broken heart stole my libido!

Honorable Mention (The Thin Line Between Love And Hate Edition)

January 15, 2016 by admin

She didn’t quite make the list but you wish the tip of your dick never touched the clit of…the chick that smashed you and all your homies! You are probably sitting on the stage of “Maury” with a couple of your friends…sweating bullets and praying Maury turns to you and says…YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER! You better just sit your dumb ass down and save your prayers for something meaningful. Next time you all get a great idea to sleep with the most easiest and nastiest girl on the block…please remember this moment! ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying if it’s easy for you…it’s easy for everybody but one of y’all will be paying child support to this hood rat real soon!

Honorable Mention (A Nightmare On Elm Street Edition)

January 15, 2016 by admin

He didn’t quite make the list but we wished we never slept with….the emotionally needy guy. This dude says I love you on the first date, blows up your phone, and cries at the drop of a dime! Instead of fucking him…we should have just held him for hours, cried with him, and then sent him home to his mama! ~KJM on Flashback Friday saying please hand this dude a hanky…

Wish You Never Even Put The Tip Of Your Dick On The Clit (The Thin Line Between Love And Hate Edition)

January 15, 2016 by admin

Yesterday I wrote the blog “The Men We Wish We Never Slept With (The Nightmare On Elm Street Edition)” for all the women who have sex partners they regret. Now you know I had to turn the tables and do one for the men! Yes that’s right….men, it’s time for you to scroll down memory lane of all your bad sexual experiences. Grab your condoms and some holy water if you dare to take this tour with me! Here are the 10 women you wished you never even touched:

10. THE WOMAN YOU LYINGLY SAID YOU LOVED TO GET PUSSY! Some men will do anything to get in an attractive woman’s pants…even say ‘I Love You’ when they know damn well they don’t mean it. So you lie, play with her emotions, and screw her…never really expecting to be screwed. You thought you bumped into Monica from “LOVE AND BASKETBALL” but who you really found was Brandi from “A THIN LINE BEWTEEN LOVE AND HATE!” Play with a woman’s emotions and you just may experience intense bodily harm. Darnell took a bullet from Brandi to pay for his lies. Is it really worth it?

9. THE WOMAN WHO HATES YOUR KIDS! Some men will do anything to keep a woman…even continue to date a woman who hates their children. At first she may pretend she loves children, but if he chose to look closer he would see he didn’t get Carol Brady from “THE BRADY BUNCH” but really got Joan Crawford from “MOMMY DEAREST!” Lawd a mercy! Those poor kids. I just hope none of them used wire hangers!

8. THE WOMAN WITH DEEP SEEDED DADDY ISSUES! Men tend to focus more on a woman’s physical characteristics than anything else. Those eyes, thighs, butt, and breasts can lead a man astray. Bell Biv Devoe warned you men to “never trust a big butt and a smile” but some of y’all just refuse to listen. Well bust this move…you thought you were getting Annie Banks from “Father of the Bride” but just rolled over to see that you have been sleeping with DRACULA’S DAUGHTER! Whether Daddy abandoned her or controlled her every move…her need to free herself from him plays into your relationship. You are essentially Daddy. Every hurt he ever caused falls on you so you might as well save up for future therapy bills. This type of woman will not only suck the blood out of you but will make that very act….your fault!

7. YOUR WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND! So you started dating a woman and realize she has a cute friend who is always hanging around. At first it seems like a Janet, Jack, and Chrissy scenario from “THREE’S COMPANY”…then the friend starts coming on to you. Some of you may resist but as time goes on you are now fucking who you think is Chrissy. Naw boo…Chrissy don’t live there no more. It’s Hedy Carlson from “SINGLE WHITE FEMALE!” That’s right! You fucked the woman who pretended to be your girl’s friend…only to try to steal her life. Bad move for real….

6. YOUR FEMALE BOSS! Has no one ever told you…never shit where you eat? Clearly not! So you have a hot boss and you decide to smash her and then dump her! Ok let’s see how your checks will be looking…that’s if you still have a job! At first smash you thought you were getting Annalise Keating from “HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER” but no…you fucked up and got Meredith Johnson from “DISCLOSURE!” I do not even feel sorry for you…

5. THE GROUPIE! You may be a musician or a Wall Street financial wiz and women love it….so much so that you start feeling yourself. And here comes the groupies! At first you don’t think twice because you know that you are worth worshiping. Then one day you meet a woman that looks like Penny Lane from “ALMOST FAMOUS.” It never dawned on you that your groupie was obsessed with you in an unhealthy manner. Still don’t get my drift? Picture Annie Wilkes from “MISERY” making your breakfast. Gripping your legs? Yea you should be!

4. THE WOMAN WITH A HISTORY OF ABUSE! Now to be fair, many people had terrible childhoods and fought their way to a healthy adult life…usually through therapy. Not everyone is a fan of therapy and healing though. So you meet a woman with a million issues and decide that you and only you can save her. You found love in who you thought was Latika from “SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE” but you really just had sex with Gogo Yubari from “KILL BILL: VOL.1!” That’s right…she’s young, vicious, and tearing down all the walls you build is her specialty! Enjoy!

3. THE RATCHET BABY MAMA! Now you know you done fucked up right? You went and got this one pregnant. Under the club lights she looked like Jackie Harrison from “STEPMOM” but when you woke up with her the next morning you found Mary Jones from “PRECIOUS” caressing your dick. Too late dude….you never wore a condom. Yea you tried to one night her but now she’s your problem for life!

2. THE 20 THAT YOU THINK IS AN 80! She’s attractive and seems sweet. In the beginning, she wants all the same things you want but soon you find out it was all a ploy to lock you down. If you got in too deep, this woman may now be your soon to be ex wife! She may not have had anything to offer in your relationship but she will surly take your ass to the cleaners in the divorce. You let looks blind you and you fell for “the old bait and switch.” No she was never Angela from “BOOMERANG”….and yes she was always Trina from “WHY DID I GET MARRIED!”

1. THE WOMAN YOU CHEATED ON YOUR WONDERFUL WIFE/GIRLFRIEND WITH! We’ve all heard the phrase that “the grass is greener on the other side” but what some of you men fail to realize is “if you water your grass, it will always be greener.” I’ve heard men say that they love their wives and have a good marriage but cheat because they have the opportunity to. Nowadays mistresses do not even know their place. They are writing books, doing interviews, and approaching the wife as if they are the main chick. “Stop! Hammer time!” Everyone but the faithful wife/girlfriend is out of order. Keep risking your home life for anything with a skirt and see where it gets you. Most of the time you will not be getting an Olivia Pope from “SCANDAL.” There’s more Alexandra Forrest’s from “FATAL ATTRACTION” out there. If you still don’t believe me….replay the scene where she cooks Dan’s daughter’s pet rabbit. If that shit doesn’t send chills up and down your spine and make you abandon your filthy cheating ways….well get ready for any of the women of this list to permanently ruin your life! ~KJM saying to my male readers…be very careful where you place your dick. Happy Flashback Friday aka all the times you shouldn’t have cum Friday!

The Men We Wish We Never Slept With (The Nightmare On Elm Street Edition)

January 14, 2016 by admin

Sex! Sounds like a great idea until you finally fuck someone you wished you never slept with. To all my young/inexperienced readers beware who you take to bed. One morning you could wake up to Freddie Krueger and not know how you got there. FUCK a walk of shame…if one of these dudes are now your baby’s father…get ready for a life of shame! ? Here are 10 Guys We Wished We Never Fucked!

10. THE GUY WHO TAKES THE CONDOM OFF/NEVER WANTS TO WEAR A CONDOM! Ladies, you should always run from this type of guy! When I was young or not thinking straight, I encountered two guys who took the condom off during sex! What a huge violation especially when you find out after he’s climaxed. First time it happened I was in college! I got so freaked out that I immediately had 80 million tests done. Only good thing about this scary incident was from that point on every time I got my annual Pap smear, I had my GYN run every test known to man. I think it’s made me more sexually aware. Had it not been for that encounter, I would probably be walking around taking intentional risks with my life like some of these fools out here. A man that doesn’t want to wear a condom when you insist…does not respect you. So run! He’s not Prince Charming…he’s FREDDIE KRUEGER from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET!

9. THE MAMA’S BOY! Now ladies, it’s important to find a man who loves his mother and respects the other women in his family but a mama’s boy is on a whole other level! Nothing you do will most likely ever please mama and your man for that matter! Mama warms up that breast milk just right…in a way you can’t! This man is NOT Prince Charming…he’s actually NORMAN BATES from PSYCHO!

8. THE MAN WHO CALLS EVERY WOMAN A BITCH, HOE, OR CRAZY! Now are there bitches, hoes, and crazy women?! Certainly! But a real gentleman let’s the thing speak for itself. If his ex was a bitch, guess who is the next bitch?! YOU! I can’t repeat that enough! This type of man will never treat you with respect. In the beginning, he may try to be sweet but the minute you see his true colors run! You haven’t found Prince Charming…you are actually rolling with JACK TORRANCE from THE SHINING!✌

7. THE ABUSIVE MAN! Whether it’s verbally, emotionally, and/or physically…the abusive man always leaves a bad taste in our mouths! Generally, he’s the hardest to get rid of. Don’t allow a man to mistreat you. Often times this type of man woos you and then he begins to get controlling. When you see the warning signs….don’t walk…run! You are not dating Prince Charming! It’s really JASON VOORHEES from FRIDAY THE 13TH chilling in your back yard?

6. THE I HAVE A MILLION KIDS I DON’T TAKE CARE OF MAN! When will some of you women learn? If he doesn’t take care of her kids…he ain’t gonna take care of yours! I don’t care how he describes his baby’s mother…a real man will always be there for his kids even if he has to go to court to fight for his rights. This man is irresponsible and even worse…if he has multiple baby mothers…he clearly doesn’t believe in wearing condoms! Yuck! From her pussy to yours and from her womb to yours! Run girl run! This ain’t Prince Charming…it’s MIKE MYERS from HALLOWEEN!

5. THE IN THE CLOSET MAN! Most women, whether we knew it or not, have slept with a gay man. While I support the LGBTQ community, I personally do not want to sleep with a gay and/or bisexual man. I believe potential partners should disclose their sexual orientation…amongst other things. When we miss the warning signs…we sometimes find out that we have been in bed with CHRISTINE! Grab your coat and forget your shoes….”Molly, you in danger girl!”

4. THE EMOTIONALLY DEAD MAN! I can’t stress this enough…if you see this man…bolt! No matter how much love and affection you give him…he will never be able to say nor show that he loves you. I’m not even sure if this man loves himself! Maybe he has mommy issues or has been hurt in past relationships…either way it’s no excuse for the way he treats us. He’s emotionally dead/numb and you can’t resuscitate him! Give up girl…you are not dating Prince Charming…you are dating THE MUMMY!

3. THE CHEATER! We have all dated that man who couldn’t keep it in his pants. He’s slept with some of our friends and even…family! Ugh. He’s touched pretty much every woman within a 50 mile radius. This man can manifest himself as the man with a million kids and/or the man who doesn’t wear condoms. What a piece of filth he is! If you ever run into this scumbag…you are not dating Prince Charming…you are dating CHUCKY from CHILD’S PLAY! Looks like someone you should play with but in actuality…you need to bolt!

2. THE PENNY PINCHER! Every woman has dated a man that complains about buying a 99 cent hamburger at McDonald’s and then after spending one dollar…demands his penny back from the cashier! Fuck! This jerk off will at first appear to be fiscally responsible but after months of dating him….you will find out that he’s still billing his mama for all the times she didn’t cook him a meal during his childhood. You can’t build a life with this kind of man. Worst of it all…when you want to enjoy some of the finer things in life… like a Colt 45 beer…you will have to pay for it…for both of you! Run Forest Run! You aren’t dating Prince Charming…you actually fell for that bloodsucker….DRACULA! ?

1. THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD/SERIAL KILLER MAN! You ever date a guy that his resume seems perfect but every time you are with him…your gut is telling you something is off. He seems nice enough but things he says and do are just freaky. Some times…you find out he’s hiding an addiction or…that he has bodies buried in your backyard! There’s a saying that “if it’s too good to be true…it probably is!” This man can embody any of the men on this list and more. Instincts tell me to never fall asleep next to my seemingly perfect man. Trust your gut and get the fuck out of there…this man is far from Prince Charming! You’ve really been cuddled up with HANNIBAL LECTER from THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS! ~KJM saying I hope you are scared shitless out of your mind and watch who you invite to bed! Happy Throwback Thursday aka WISH I NEVER FUCKED YOU THURSDAY!

Did It Even Go In?

January 13, 2016 by admin

I had a male associate promise me continuously that he was going to pull my hair and tear down my inner walls. Finally one night after he was finished bragging via phone, I let him come over. From here on the story gets hairy…upon his arrival, I tore my clothes off. I proceeded to get on top but before anything could really happen…his penis deflated! To this day, I’m not sure if it was ever inside of me! Pap smears last longer and are more memorable. I never count him as a sex partner because it’s like reminiscing about the dick who cried wolf! ??? ~KJM on Hump Day

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