Archives for January 2017

SCENE 1: It was in this rare moment that I began to find myself. My very last day in San Francisco, my friend, Alexandria, and I sat down for what would be an unexpectedly life changing moment for me. It was pouring down rain in San Fran and with her baby bump in tow, Alexandria suggested we find shelter in a local mall. I have mall anxiety and hate shopping, so I was hesitant at first. But not wanting Alex to be stuck on a wet trolley all day, I agreed to go to the mall. We sat down for hours…just talking as children played around us. ‘No anxiety here,’ I thought. Just children playing on a small replica of the Golden Gate Bridge and on a life size chess board. Strange place to begin this journey. Strange place indeed. Out of nowhere, I opened up to Alex in a way I rarely open up to others. She is 4 months pregnant and is so excited about her little girl’s arrival. ? Also, happily married, Alex seemed to have it all easily… That’s when she told me a little bit about her life story (which I shall keep private because this is really my journey and I’m okay with exposing my steps in it). Bottom line is…nothing came easily to Alex. I had had other friends with similar stories but something about the way Alex spoke gave me hope. It’s like she understood something about me that everyone else, including myself, had missed. Her advice to me was that if I was avoiding being married with children because I honestly do not want those things…then that’s my right to live my truth. BUT if I was avoiding these things because of fear of being the selfish narcissistic wife and mother that I found my mother AND every other woman in my family to be….I am now using the negative (what I like to call a generational curse) to block every blessing in store for me! ?? Whoa! ?According to Alex, if a woman notices a negative pattern in her family, acknowledges it, and actively lays the bricks to be a better person…there should be no fear in her heart of being a bad wife and mother! Eureka! ?? Alex wasn’t selling me the VERY TIRED motto that marriage and family are the keys to happiness, like some of my other friends were! Instead, she was saying that whatever my truth is…it should be MY truth! If I honestly do not want a family or a lifelong partner then I must live in my truth. But if I am dodging true commitment and love for fear of being like most women in my family…that is not living my truth. Even more amazingly, Alex pointed out that from the jump I’ve already set out to be different from my mother and I AM DIFFERENT! I have had many people tell me this, including Papa Michaels and my siblings, but something about Alex holding her baby bump with a fearless strength and pride…that made me feel like I could do it! ?? My sister, Brenda, always says that she has no fear of going down the same path as other women in our family. I, unbeknownst to me, have been terrified for the last 30 years! Terrified and emotionally frozen! What Alex unlocked for me that no one else could is she didn’t sell me her current truth…she encouraged me to find my own! There was no “I cannot wait until you get pregnant or I cannot wait for you to get married!” These phrases hurt me more than others will know when family and friends say it! ? We all deal with our family pathologies (as Iyanla Vanzant would call it) in different ways. For those of us with a rough family upbringing, the answer to our happiness is different. Selling me on marriage and children wasn’t the way to do it (though I know some people meant well) but encouraging me to find my own truth was a better way! And so I left a powerfully strong Alexandria and the city of San Francisco a little wiser. ? SCENE2: On my flight home, I took a good nap. When I awoke, I found out that I could watch the movie “Finding Dory” for free! This movie has a huge significance for me. The very first date the Ex Factor and I had was the animated movie “Shrek Forever After” in summer 2010. Going to the movies has always been his thing but because he loved it so much…he got me to love it. Generally, he chooses 98% of what we watch but there are a few times I make a request to see something. The Ex Factor definitely chooses better movies than me! Lol. However, we have both grown to love animated movies. ? Not to mention I loved “Finding Nemo!” ?The week before “Finding Dory” came out, I asked the Ex Factor if we could go see it and he said yes. He never took me to see it and that hurt me. I know he’s been to the movies a million times in 2016 and he never invited me once. It’s like he forgot how important the little things are to me or even worse, no longer has the desire to make me happy. So finally seeing “Finding Dory” was an emotional journey for me. Even though I only got to see 90% of the movie (shout out to United Airlines for allowing me to be the very last passenger on my plane as I watched as much of “Finding Dory” as I could), this experience was also life changing. Through Dory, I was seeing the goodness that life has to offer even when we have flaws. Dory was so loving and forgiving that she changed so many around her! And the love her parents had for her…was overwhelmingly good…so much so I started to tear up. Dory’s parents set out to find her when they had been separated from her…and when they couldn’t…they waited in the same place they had faith Dory would remember to come back to…for years! So beautiful. I could feel their love. It may not make sense to you but all these things are connected. With my mother, the small things my dad did never counted for shit. Yet I love the small things in life. To the Ex Factor, I don’t need you to fly me across the country…I just needed you to hold my hands through the movie. As I told you back in June when we decided we wanted to work things out…the mistake you always make is thinking I don’t need you. Yes I’m independent and financially doing okay (by the grace of God) but what made me fall for you was your original need to be there for me in anyway you could. Please do not abandon that. I look and yearn for the small intimate things in life that only you would notice. That’s where my heart lies. ? To Alexandria, I thank you for showing me your strength and support. I learned so much from my visit with you. I am now on my journey of figuring out if wife and mother are something that I’ve secretly wanted but have been too fearful to embrace. To the movie “Finding Dory,” the type of love and support Dory’s parents showed her is what I aim to show my children…if ever I have or adopt children. Dory was an amazing daughter and friend. And as she ventured across country, the courage she displayed despite her disability is the kind of courage we should all face in life when lost! ~KJM on Flashback Friday. Won’t you continue on this journey with me as I aim to find Kingston? ???