I awoke extra early this morning with a fire in my spirit. Trying to ignore this feeling, I turned on the television and there it was…the movie that would sum up this fire burning within me. “An Affair To Remember” with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr was on. Drawn to it (always)….I watched intensely. It was then that I remembered that today was a very special day for Phoenix. Very special indeed. So I text him…“Random I know but I did not forget what today means to you. Hope all is well with you and your beautiful family.” He replied a few minutes later with…“Hi sweetheart. Where are you?” Strange question…I thought but since I have moved up and down I95 in the 12 years I’ve known him…I figured it was a fair question. “In New Jersey…of course!” I replied not realizing the devil was lining me up for the kill. Phoenix is also in NJ for business and get this….he is only 25 minutes away from me!?The devil is a liar! I immediately text Grace and called Aaliyah! Aaliyah didn’t know what to say! She just listened…probably because I called her at 8:51am on a damn Saturday! ? Grace said maybe God is trying to tell me something. Got to love that she thinks that everything is according to God. I had to remind her that the devil hears our prayers too and sometimes I don’t know who is answering! You see…Phoenix was heavy on my mind a few weeks ago but I did not dare contact him. I had hit another rough patch with the Ex Factor and I missed my friend. But our lives are so different now and we both have prior engagements…well I’m in a situationship where the rules are very clear that we aren’t to be sleeping with others and Phoenix has a baby mama waiting at home for him!? Grace said friends can hang out and do not have to have sex but….I’m physically, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually attracted to Phoenix. You see…the first time we hung out in 2004…he rented Scarface and ever since…he’s been a tough person to resist. He found my love for gangsta movies and bad boys with good boys’ looks! Phoenix has been in my life from when I was a size 6 to a 10. He’s been there for brokenness, heartbreak, funds being temporarily depleted (nice way of saying broke!), sadness, and insecurity. Phoenix has always been the perfect boyfriend number 2. He’s seen me at my absolute worst…like the Ex Factor…but unlike the Ex Factor…Phoenix has had to pick up every…single…piece. Broken me always found my way into his arms and in his bed. And now he’s in my home state…only 25 minutes away! No…this is definitely not God’s work. Why am I so intrigued? I don’t love Phoenix. I like him. No real deep feelings but he’s been my doctor of healing since 2004 and even at the times when we lost touch…we picked up right where we left off…at first touch…renewed. ?? Me broken hearted and his arms open. Once I explained to Phoenix that I’m only 25 minutes away…he text back “I need to see you.” He…said…need…and I could feel that small fire flame into a complete bonfire! Only the people gathered around it wouldn’t be smiling and trying to keep warm. The only person present at the bonfire would be the Ex Factor burning any last resemblance of me and my confusing love. ? Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. This is what can happen if I bail on our love now. But what has he given me?! I have no assurances from the Ex Factor. He’s not ready to be serious and right now his main focus is chilling with his boys. I typically work on weekends…so the Ex Factor would have no way of knowing I’m gone. As luck would have it…I forgot to tell him I’m off from work. The Ex Factor just text?…for all he knows I’m texting back from work! Wait?! What the FUCK am I thinking? I can see Phoenix and nothing will happen! I’m a grown woman in control of my mind, body, and spirit. But you see…I can’t be so sure where Phoenix is concerned because he has learned to seduce my mind! My mind is how he got me. I’m so attracted to his intellect and his passion. Not to mention that deep dark chocolate skin and pearly white teeth! Obsession not made by Calvin Klein!!! That’s where I’m headed! Fuck! I haven’t seen Phoenix since September 2014 and haven’t spoken to him since April 2016 when he defended Elijah’s cheapness (remember the only spending $1500 on a woman’s engagement ring because that’s how much she’s worth conversation).???? It was my first argument with Phoenix ever! Still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Yet here we are in this moment. While I’m not in a real commitment…I did make real promises. I have no clue if the Ex Factor is honoring his word but I can’t be out in these streets doing them like they do us…first…or ever since I’m a reformed bad girl!?? That’s right Bad Girl Kingston retired December 2014…when the Ex Factor and I reconciled. I know what you are thinking….if Bad Girl Kingston is retired…who the fuck rode off into the sunset with Elijah Fall 2015? That was just broken-hearted Kingston. Bad Girl Kingston would have kept both men. But I didn’t and frankly I haven’t needed a boyfriend number two since 2012. What the fuck am I thinking? I LOVE the Ex Factor and never want to do anything to hurt him. But it’s hard walking around in these cold streets not feeling a 100% loved and wanted by the Ex Factor! Men…secure your woman and if she’s a good woman…you won’t ever find yourself reading something like this. I should be ashamed but like…I’m human. Who doesn’t want to be desired? Who doesn’t want to hear a beautiful and intelligent man call for her? What woman wouldn’t want to answer that call? I’m on one today and I beg of you not to judge me as today’s blog reads more like a Temptation Tuesday post more than a Serenity Saturday one. Maybe I can enter the Lion’s Den with Phoenix and not get swallowed up. After all…I am a female jaguar and we are quick! But it’s been a while since I’ve been in the den and the stakes are high. What to do? What to do? This is surely an affair to remember…. Enter Kingston 5 hours after writing the above post… while it’s so easy to get excited and caught up with the possibility of Phoenix reentering my life…I would like to think I’ve grown a lot since 2014. I would like to think I’m turning into a more mature woman who knows that such an affair would be messy and hurt many…including myself. I would like to think that my love for the Ex Factor has grown unconditionally where I cannot conjure up the possibilities of him breaking his promise to me…just so I can preempt him and feel some sort of instant gratification. I would like to think the Kingston I am today…with the guidance of my brother: Junior and friends: Grace, and Nicole has learned something about loving someone through the ups and downs. Matter of fact…why stop here…I would like to think that I did not fall and bump my fucking head just for a weekend of easy excitement and pleasure. Yes lawd I would like to think…I’m actually fucking thinking this time! Can’t claim insanity on this one…as I try to sneak back into the Nook with the Ex Factor!~KJM with the devil on my shoulders on Temptation….oh I mean Serenity Saturday. Yes…God grant me the serenity ??
Archives for November 2016
“The Awakening”: Written and Performed by Kingston Jael Michaels
Personal Experience Intro: Written and Performed by Toi from ToiTime
“After The Baby Came…The Rain Fell”: Written by Kingston Jael Michaels and Performed by Toi from ToiTime
Personal Experience Outro: Written and Performed by Toi from ToiTime
“He Will Stand There And Watch Me”: Written and Performed by Kingston Jael Michaels
BEATS by Davincii Productions, PRODUCED by Loyalist, and MIXED by ANS Studios
All 7 of Kingston Expressions Podcast Episodes are now available on iTunes! Please share! Shout to my performers: Alexis Skyy, Scarlet, Grace, Nicole, Lioness, and Toi from ToiTime, my Producer (Loyalist), my Engineer (ANS Studios), and Davincii Productions for the beats!?? ~KJM saying thank you to all on Flashback Friday
We are now in full swing of the podcast series and I hope you are loving the episodes and are sharing each of them on your social networks! As you have probably figured out by now…I drop a new episode every Tuesday until it’s time to take a break for the holidays! Your feedback is appreciated and wanted so please show your support for my talented friends/performers: Alexis Skyy, Scarlet, Grace, Lioness, and Toi from ToiTime! It’s not easy to do what these ladies are doing and it’s nothing short of…magic! Now to why we are gathered here today….let’s get into a bad habit many of us have…sabotaging our own happiness!? Remember last Friday when I was in the NOOK with the Ex Factor? Well by Monday I found myself out of the Nook and in some dirty alleyway with all my trash and crying! How the hell did I get there?! To be honest…I don’t fucking know! But there I was…laying with all my baggage and guess who PUSHED herself out of the Nook?! Yea…that’s right…ME! ? Now I’m not saying the Ex Factor doesn’t have a lot of work to do on himself but I can only address more openly and honestly…the work I have to do on MYSELF! Like…why would I purposely push myself out of the Nook? I felt so safe and secure there. Why would I want to leave this place? After speaking with my brother Junior and then my friends Nicole, Grace, and my youngest friend, Aaliyah, I realized that I got frightened by the peace I felt in the Nook. It’s like I experienced such a deep happy emotion that I felt it all couldn’t be real. So I pushed myself out of that love, laughter, and security into the raw unknown world! Why in the world would anyone do such a thing? Well for me…it may be because I’m use to pain and heartbreak. It’s real to me and I’m a realist! Love, laughter, and happiness in a romantic sense are so foreign to me! Yea….that’s fucking sad! With all we have been through over the last 6 years…I still expect the Ex Factor to fail me and I set him up to do so! I mean you should have seen me! Walking through the streets of New York…crying! I hadn’t done that shit since our worse breakup December 2012/January 2013! Like why the fuck would I put myself through that again?! I hate crying and that’s why I don’t do it often! But this time I created the circumstance for him to fail me!?Now some of us out there are so broken that we expect everyone we date to fail us! Not me! I had high standards for Elijah and really thought he would meet them! I gave him more patience and understanding in 7 months than I ever gave the Ex Factor in 6 years! ? Yea I’m working on that! If you are out there expecting the worse of everyone then you have to do some deep work on yourself! What you put out is what you will get back (referring to negativity here). For those of you who are like me…trying to work out something that feels broken since like forever….with the same person…we still got work to do on ourselves but just a different type of work! I have to ask myself…why do I want him to fail me? It might just be because I’m use to it….or it might be because I never wanted to love someone unconditionally…ever! Just wasn’t part of my plan. I like…to LIKE a guy…but damn sure spent years making sure I never fell in love with many! As I said before…the Ex Factor is my game changer. I guess the thing is…I’m not sure if I’m his…but that’s not the way loving a person unconditionally works! If I’m allowing myself to live out the bad moments…I damn sure better allow myself to live out the good ones and to not sabotage those good moments for the bad ones! So as I try to place myself back in the Nook…I struggle to not place pain and destruction on myself and my love. The Nook was not meant to hold such things! If this is all true about the NOOK…why is sabotaging our own happiness such a prevalent thing?! FEAR drives that behavior…the fear of truly being happy in a way we all didn’t imagine in our minds! Just because I didn’t dream it…doesn’t mean God didn’t! Just because I didn’t plan it…doesn’t mean it wasn’t always part of the plan! I have to get out of my own way and just be present in the moment! No sense in working myself up over something I don’t have control over! I have to save my energy and my tears for the real moments that we are going through it. No one said the journey was going to be easy but someone did whisper to my spirit that it would be worth it! ?? ~KJM saying take yourselves off the hook and allow yourselves to be happy in the Nook on Throwback Thursday!?