I have often wondered why I’m back in the same place I was in 2010. Why must I endure more pain and heartache with the Ex Factor?! Why was I not strong enough to escape this cycle? What is the lesson to be learned here? Whatever it is….I’m eager to learn it because I do not want to be in the same place this time next year. Then I saw a quote by Iyanla Vanzant and it all began to make sense: “Facing the truth is hard. It is painful as hell. The truth will set you free BUT you have to ENDURE THE PAIN OF BIRTHING IT.” ~Iyanla Vanzant?? I think, though I cannot be sure, that this is the message for me. I’m always running from the Ex Factor the minute I begin to feel pain but was never strong enough to stand still in my truth and endure the pain of birthing it! What is my truth that I need to endure? Perhaps it may be that in summer 2010…the Ex Factor was everything I needed in that moment in time. On my face financially, he was there for me. That was his season and his purpose. But truth be told that was the one and only season he was there for me…that he put me first. Fighting to get the old Ex Factor back has been a losing battle. That loving, caring, and thoughtful guy isn’t returning…at least not for me. And it was hard to let go of that season. I do not think even he wanted to let go of it…as I didn’t get into this cycle by myself. But here we still are…and I’m doing my best to endure it…THIS time…and give birth to my painful truth. I have no clue where my truth will lead me. And I’m frightened. Yes…Kingston Jael Michaels…is terrified. I love the Ex Factor with all my heart. Maybe I wasn’t certain of it before but I’m sure of it now. But sometimes our love feels more like a burden than heaven sent. Maybe we are in the middle of a storm? Or maybe this is just us?? Whatever it is…I must see it through until the Good Lord feels I’ve gone as far as I can and that I’ve learned the lesson HE brought me here to teach me. You see…birthing your truth…I believe…is more than endurance of pain. It’s also about a life lesson that we need to learn to prepare us for our future. It is God’s way of saying HE is not done with us yet…and have no fear…because HE has prepared us for this journey.?~KJM on Serenity Sunday saying do not be afraid to birth your painful truth!
Archives for November 2016
He’s reappeared…in a professional capacity of course. Elijah that is. For me…our brief run ins are not awkward. I spent so much time in the rain last April that when the sun finally came out…I clung to it. Sun shining bright…I pushed forward in life and love. Yet I feel his eyes on me. Almost as if he is at a lost for words. Well I am not. I’m grateful for the lessons learned and my ability to move pass most of it…well except for the mess that is the Ex Factor that is. Sigh…no one is perfect and we all have a weakness. Of course, the Ex Factor is mine! But I digress…for the millionth time. Even with all the behind the scenes pain I’m experiencing with the Ex Factor…I present a united front when I see Elijah. You see…one thing I learned from Mr. Toss Salad (y’all remember him?) is to never let people see nor smell your weaknesses! Because if they do…those blood sucking parasites will swoop in and destroy you for their own personal gain. So no…I do not walk around sad and unkept. I’m actually looking and feeling great. I credit this to my ability to put my emotions in a box and move on to handle any pressing tasks. Yes…I have the power to do that. So the Kingston Jael that Elijah sees at work…reminds herself that she is loved by the Ex Factor and it will all be okay. Of course that’s my day time face. The one before the night settles in and I’m home alone in my room…surrounded by my ugly truths. A united front of love…I pray that is what Elijah sees when he gives me those uncomfortable glances. This may sound crazy but I cannot believe I dated him! Besides being a tall islander….he is not my type. Never was! Aww yes…this brings me to a beautiful yet painful point. The day I met Elijah…yes let’s flashback here…I was crying and praying on the train…asking the Lord to deliver me from the Ex Factor. And yes I was wearing a purple American Apparel dress…in which many have asked me why I mentioned what I was wearing during such a difficult time?! The answer…if Elijah had been my life partner and the love of my life…I wanted to remember every detail of that morning. I…wanted to remember…meeting BOAZ! As it turned out, I now use that dress as a house dress and I can practically use it to dust down my furniture…that’s how much I have no desire to wear that dress out. It use to be one of my favorites…but then I out grew it. Like I did Elijah. I out grew that moment….so now there is no need to remember every detail…because what was thought to be so magical…really turned out to be quite ordinary. Another distraction in life. Another disappointment. Another setback. Another…well you get the point. More wasted time…still not sure where I’m headed. Yes I was crying and praying on the train that day but Elijah was not God’s answer to my prayers. He was not BOAZ and I’m even more grateful for that than any lesson he taught me. Because…I can start again. On this very sunny day….I can start again. While awaiting BOAZ, for those of you waiting with me, please remember that God does not always answer prayers instantly nor the way we want. Perhaps the point of Elijah…was I was not ready for BOAZ for my heart still belonged to the Ex Factor. Thus, only a distraction was worth getting to know me in that time. I…was…not…ready. And God knew it! That’s the lesson here…the point I’m trying to make…just because we are praying for something does not mean we are actually ready for it. So as you pray for what you want and need…also pray that you are ready to receive it. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to receive what I prayed for and as I battle love and pain…I’m comforted by the fact that when I’m ready…I will see God in his eyes…and that’s when I can be sure that God answered my prayers. For HE would have prepared me to receive it. Now I await not only BOAZ but the woman who is truly ready to receive and appreciate him!?? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday???
AFFECTION…I uttered the word AFFECTION and it was then that I knew. Things had changed. I was no longer THAT woman…though I desperately wanted him to teach me how to be numb once again. I was bold enough to say that word to Phoenix. I was bold enough to say what I needed right now. And we both knew he could not give such a thing. We also both knew that even if he could…I would not accept it from him now. I have been in a state of consciousness for the last two years. I clung on to love and tried to dodge pain but a las…it all caught up to me. I could no longer lead destruction to my front door without acknowledging how we arrived there. I could no longer pretend to not understand the situation. The madness and insanity that filled my mind and heart…that’s what made me reconnect with Phoenix. And he…like always…was there…arms wide open…as long as my…legs…were…also…wide…open. Insanity put to the side and eyes wide open…I could no longer be THAT woman. Trust that this wasn’t an act of morality. You know marriage is the only relationship institution I respect. No…this was not morality…this was self preservation. It never occurred to me before…but now conscious…it flooded my mind. If I keep tapping into the darkness in my mind and heart…there may be a time that I…KINGSTON JAEL MICHAELS…may not ever return to my true form. And I know that I am not meant for this life. There is a thin line between being eccentric and down right insane! Heartbreak knows where this line exists. But…I cannot be certain. Certain that if I laid there with Phoenix in his…let’s be honest here…FILTH…this time…I’m not just laying with dogs…I’m now building AND destroying my foundation when agreeing to be part of the pack. I am no dog. I am no sheep. I do not easily follow. Yes I’m broken and yes the temptation of him will always be there but I’m no longer THAT woman. Let me be clear…I’m not ashamed of that woman. That was my truth then. I won’t run from my past and hide as if it all never happened. Where is the lesson in that?! Plus all those ugly mistakes got me to where I am today. To not easily be taken because I’m hurting. To be able to dry my tears…myself…and take a deep breath. Whatever I’m missing with the Ex Factor, I must provide for myself as I await all my goodness. Phoenix has no answers for me. No more than a drug dealer has for his addicted clients. As poison fill their veins and their minds…a sense of despair washes over them. Their dealer only provides a temporary fix that will eventually leave them in a world of pain and destruction. No…Phoenix does not have any answers for me. And since this affair was always based solely on my needs…I could care less what he wants. AFFECTION…I utter the words again as Phoenix begins to rise in a different direction. I…myself…took a deep breath, put one foot before the other…and when I reached the edge of my insanity…I kept the faith in things that I could not see nor understand. It was in this moment that I knew everything would be alright. And so I took a leap of faith…and started to soar!?? ~KJM on Hump Day?
The Case Of The Missing Balls: Written by Kingston Jael Michaels and Performed by Grace
Unexpectedly Backdoored: Written by Kingston Jael Michaels and Performed by Lioness
PRODUCED by Loyalist, BEATS by Davincii Productions, and MIXED by ANS Studios
Happy Charm School Monday! So much has happened in the last week that I know some of you probably thought I lost my damn mind! Last week was a week full of despair for so many reasons and I fell deeper into it! My thoughts on Phoenix were lead by complete sadness and madness but I will leave that discussion for Temptation Tuesday! On to today’s lesson! Last night, while out at dinner, a group of my female family, friends, and my mother’s friends ensued in a discussion of what an assertive woman like myself is really looking for in a life partner. As I declared and proclaimed that I would spend the rest of my life in a big house with 10 dogs….I know….the number of dogs is growing as time goes on…maybe it’s because puppies represent love to me…I dropped some Kingston Jael Knowledge on the women! While the women of all ages looked on in interest….I explained that I want a helpmate not a hurtmate! Now follow me closely. Even people we love will hurt us…whether it is intentionally or accidentally. And we will hurt them too! Don’t believe the quotes and books that say that love doesn’t hurt! Anything that requires work will bring blood, sweat, and tears! Now I’m not talking about any type of abuse (physical, emotional, financial, nor mental). I’m talking about hurt feelings and moments of disappointments! We, as human beings, are flawed! We will stumble and fall before we get it right! Even in LOVE! Yes especially in LOVE! Shit may get ugly sometimes so don’t expect fairytales! All that matters is that we come out on the other side of hurt and disappointment…TOGETHER and STRONGER! Now let’s get back to this helpmate discussion. I am liberal in so many things but am traditional in a few. ?Independent, successful, beautiful, and assertive…I have achieved so much on my own! Nevertheless this does not mean that I want to do everything in life by myself. Alone is just my comfort zone. I like jet setting without having to tell anyone where I am headed! I like my FREEDOM! However, I get that the male ego may be fragile and not appreciate these traits in a woman. Enter me and my 10 puppies! ? Exit my hurtmate! A hurtmate, in my opinion, is a man (more like a boy) who beats his chest about wanting to be the king of his castle and leading his wife but has no damn life plan! Grab this man a life boat because he’s sinking…and worst of all…he is bringing some misguided woman with him! Listen up here! My liberal assertive ass is okay with you leading but if I see you have no life plan for us and don’t even know who the fuck you are…I am going to light a firecracker under your ass and if you don’t budge…I shall be leaving your ass! That’s right! You read that right! How can you build on a foundation with anyone with no damn life plan?! Seriously?! Am I suppose to submit to you because of your gender?! Miss me with all of that! This is a great time for Jesus, Commitment, and Pork. JESUS! Does my life partner believe in God/a Higher Power? If not, where will his faith in us come from when things get hard? If he is just relying on himself to battle the world…will a good breeze not blow him away and steal his soul? How can that type of man lead me?! COMMITMENT! Is he ready to commit to me and forsake all others? Is he ready to make me a priority? Will he wear a bullet proof vest and step in front of me when the world is trying to abort my dreams? Will he do so? And the last one is PORK! I never trust a man who does not eat pork. lol. There’s no deep meaning behind this one. I just really hate turkey bacon and don’t think I could commit to a life of eating it! Yuck! ? These are the baselines for me to even begin to think life partner. The Ex Factor is only missing commitment but that’s essential and thus we dance around each other. I want him to have a plan and he just wants to chill with his boys!? It would be easier if he didn’t eat pork! Lol But I digress! I don’t want a hurtmate…a burden. A man that never came into my life to uplift me…he just appeared to use me! A hurtmate has no vision, no plan, and no faith yet wants to lead a woman! His qualifications?! HIS GENDER! ? That does not work for me nor a woman like me. I have serious questions! Like where are we headed and why? Can I depend on you? Are you choosing me out of love or desperation? Are you only in love with my outer beauty and not my inner? When I fall apart, feel insecure, and act irrationally…will you still love me? Most importantly, are you ready to receive the love and commitment I am giving you when I pledge to do all of the above for you? You see…I truly believe the biggest issue with the Ex Factor is he is not ready to be loved whole heartedly! He’s not ready to receive me! Or I could just not be the one for him. I’m open to either fate. ? A man that can lead faithfully deserves a good wife. But for those who are hurtmates, please do not expect us women to submit to you just because of your gender! You have to come with more than just that! Before I go…let me make one more thing clear…my helpmate is not suppose to save me! And fix all my messes! I have to be just as faith driven, strong willed, caring, and worthy of building a foundation with…like my helpmate. I should never be his anchor! We should be able to swim together without sinking overall in life because ALL I REQUIRE IN MY HELPMATE I MUST FIRST POSSESS MYSELF! ?? So ladies…we have to get our shit together! If we are broken, we will most likely attract a hurtmate! And if by the grace of God our broken selves still meet a helpmate, may we get right quickly to be able to appreciate and cherish him! ~KJM on Charm School Monday! SHE IS BACK! ??
It’s Serenity Saturday and if there was ever a week that we need SERENITY….it’s this one! I have broken down in tears so many times. First for our nation after this terrible Election 2016 and then for myself and my continuous bruised heart! What a week! I feel like we are all battling for our souls and if we aren’t careful…the essence of who we are…may forever disappear. As I went through a wave of emotions….I could feel the sadness increase. Asking over and over….Lord have I forsaken you? What could I have done that is so bad that I must be dragged through a place of hopelessness and despair? I feel empty. I feel sad. I feel like I want to call on numbness again because feeling all of these emotions is just too much for me. But I’m pushing myself through it. Allowing myself to live out each rollercoaster of emotions. I’m not dodging it. Strength is in knowing that I will not break even when the pain feels too much to bare! Plus…as I’ve learned over the years….you cannot avoid pain and heartbreak. And if you try to…you may miss out on the opportunities to experience the positive emotions that taking those risks may lead to!???I’m still awaiting BOAZ, I’m still awaiting true love, and I’m still awaiting a moment where I can finally see why I had to take the hard road to success and happiness. I’m doing my best not to lose hope! And for every sad emotion I felt this week…I stopped, took a deep breath through the tears, regrouped, and decided to transfer my energy in a positive way….bringing some happiness to people I care about that are also riding out a storm. Now that’s SERENITY! The ability to step outside of ourselves and realize we cannot control the circumstances that break our hearts but we can spread love to others! I am choosing to take a long deep breath, wipe my tears, and move past it but not without spreading a tiny bit of happiness somewhere. That tiny bit of happiness would not exist if it were not for the pain, heartache, and confusion that I’ve experienced. That’s what I want you all to do! Take that pain and turn it into something great! Make a conscious choice to be present in your lives and others you care about! Even help out a stranger! Release the love you have to give that was once not appreciated. Someone will appreciate it! ?? I will not be swallowed up! I will not be forgotten! I will not stay broken! And I will find my SERENITY with steps of love? ~KJM saying riding out this wave with me on SERENITY Saturday ?
I let it all fall by the wayside…because if I didn’t…it…would…continue to weigh me down. Destroy the love in my heart. Turn me bitter as if I just had to confront a cheating lover. Make me lose my religion. I let it all fall by the wayside because I no longer had the energy to carry it. For years, I took this burden with me and it blocked me from every joyous moment I could have ever had. Days and nights of crying and not sleeping. Weight gain from being completely unhappy with my circumstances and feeling trapped in it. There were times I lost hope and just stood in it…stood in all my fears, baggage, unhappiness, and tears. And in the thick of it…I almost lost my mind! No one would know I went through these things because I hid every scar. At daybreak, they saw a strong woman emerge but at night…when I was sure I was alone…I would breakdown. Letting the brokenness swallow me up. Praying I would be numb to all of it. And if not, then praying that I could accept it all without more sleepless nights…without more tears falling. Then the sun would rise again and I would regroup. Concealing what I had been through during the dark hours. Is it okay for me to share some of that darkness with you now? Please don’t judge me…but I don’t think I am strong enough to go through all of this by myself. Without someone to lean on. I’ve called on Phoenix. Not because I think it’s right…not because I want him…not because I want to destroy his family…but simply because he’s gone through this with me since 2004…especially from 2010 and on. Phoenix already knows what is required. I don’t need to describe the level of hurt and confusion I’m in. He will just know. He will just understand…and I do believe he will come to me with no questions asked. I know you have probably had it with me. But please…don’t give up on me. I’m strong enough to bare anything but heartbreak. Some people can live out that heartbreak and face every level of it…head on. I…wasn’t…built like that. Ask me to be strong in any other area of life but this. Soon night will turn into day and I may not be able to regroup. Please don’t stare at me like that. Please don’t think of me as weak. It’s the brokenness that has taken over like a disease. And please do not ask me if I will lay with her man. I don’t think so because the last thing I want to be is sexualized…I have enough of that in my day to day. Maybe I’m headed straight to hell but I didn’t get there by easily choosing that path. I’ve been fighting the demons for so long…disrespect, abandonment, sadness, etc. And now I’m just exhausted. I’m tired and I just want to rest…even if it’s in the arms of he that I’ve always sinned with. Stay tuned for the sun is coming up and I have no clue if this is the day I fully break or the day I find solace in leaving all this mess by the wayside…~KJM is so confused and hurt on Flashback Friday…
“30 Something With Missing Clock”: Written by Kingston Jael Michaels and Performed by Scarlet
“10 Ignorant But True Things About Single Professionals With No Kids In Their 30s” Written and Performed by Kingston Jael Michaels
“Luther Can Impregnate Women From The Grave”: Written by Kingston Jael Michaels and Performed by Grace
BEATS by Davincii Productions, PRODUCED by Loyalist, and MIXED by ANS Studios
Podcast Episode 8 will be dropping later this week! I decided to hold off until after the election is over! I just voted and I hope you did too! #imwithher ~KJM on Election Tuesday
Pen and pad. Pen and Pad. If I put the pen to the pad and keep record of this…it could haunt me forever. What to do? What to do? Take pen to pad and let my story unfold. There’s still this fire burning within me. It’s not filled with love nor true emotions. LUST is what I feel. Ever since Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr lit my screen up with “An Affair To Remember”…I’m yearning for him. Phoenix that is! I cannot believe he was just 25 minutes away from me and I did not go to him. I’m ashamed to say…I wanted to go. There was a part of me that needed to go. I’ve heard people say that when you meet the right one…it’s easy. The relationship is easy. I kind of laugh at that because Phoenix is easy. Neither one of us cares who the other goes home to at night. We…easily lay together…in lust. That’s it…lust is easy! So easy to open up my legs to a man I just crave but don’t want. King of reminds me of eating a fifth piece of fried chicken…knowing damn well you are full…but craving that buttery grease that tastes like a piece of heaven when it hits your lips…once again knowing damn well you are full. Why reach for that extra piece? Because we fucking can and because it’s so fucking good. That’s me and Phoenix! In my mind I’m rolling butt naked in that fried buttery grease as he licks every bit of it up…off my body. Thou shall not lead me into temptation is what I keep repeating…as I crave just the thought of him. Does Phoenix lay the pipe well? Of…fucking…course! He’s been my doctor of healing since 2004…January 2004! It’s 2016 and just the thought of him turns me on. Not because I love him. Not even because I want him. Simply because I know I can have him. His door is still open to me. And it’s been two years since I’ve seen him…so we are right on schedule! I have no clue why it’s hard to be done with Phoenix. He has a baby mama waiting at home for him! It wasn’t always that way but it is that way now and I’m aware of it. I can’t pretend “Dear Girlfriend” and “The Aftermath of Dear Girlfriend” did not happen. Our situation is now crystal clear. Thou shall not lead me into temptation I keep repeating! But what if I confess that I’m wet now just thinking about what could have happened if I had met him at his hotel. I would be greeted with kisses all over my body and a hunger burning for me that I had not felt in any other man’s arms. You see…even when broken…Phoenix desires me. And I seduce him because I’m okay with him viewing my broken naked pieces. I’m okay with him hearing me cry in the bathroom after sex…knowing that I was crying because the Ex Factor had broken my heart once again. I’m okay driving from whatever state I lived in to see him. I traveled for him because he’s just that fucking good! Phoenix turned me out in 2004! One day I was craving pancake syrup AND him. Text him my fantasy and he came right over….syrup dripping. Stickiness of our bodies. He’s tasting me and teaching me how to taste him. I’m digging my nails in his back as he is going deeper and deeper inside of me! We stick together. No! We are fucking stuck together! Syrup dripping! Syrup dripping….down my neck! He…is sucking it up…and I could not be any more turned on. Yasss! He got that! He got…EVERY DROP?? And the price I had to pay, at that time, was not being able to even look at an IHOP nor have syrup with my pancakes for 6 months! My entire bedroom was filled with the sweet smell of syrup and sex! ?That’s how he became my doctor of healing. That’s why he’s always Phoenix rising. I’m so ashamed to admit these things…yet I’m close to climaxing just writing this. I…don’t know what’s going on with me! For those of you yelling KARMA…save your fucking breath. You think the Ex Factor isn’t sitting at some bar having these same thoughts. I’m sure he has a female version of Phoenix…shit I just may be her!?This is all so fucked up. But I’m confessing my desires to you. I have yet to act on them. But I want to! I want to let Phoenix in for just one more explosive night! Why one night?! Because it’s just that fucking intense that that shit lasts me for TWO FUCKING YEARS! ?? Yes….Phoenix is so easy. I can be dirty, nasty, sticky, and moist with him without either of us worrying about whom belongs to whom! I just want him for that night! And I believe that’s all he ever wanted from me. I know this is so hard to understand because…I do love the Ex Factor! I know you feel it in my blogs! But he’s continued to leave me naked and uncovered! He’s continued to leave me exposed. The things I say or things I’ve done in the past still aren’t right. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Yet I’m so grateful Phoenix was there every time I got hurt. Even way before heartbreak with the Ex Factor ever occurred…Phoenix was there! I know this is an unhealthy attraction but it’s so hard to stop myself from fantasizing about my past sexual indiscretions with Phoenix. I’m most ashamed of my current fantasies. How could he so easily invade my mind? Yes Phoenix can lay the pipe but so can the Ex Factor! Yet I see something in his eyes that I have rarely ever seen! The hunger Phoenix has kept in his eyes for me since 2004…well I haven’t seen that kind of hunger in the Ex Factor’s eyes since 2010! ? And yet I love him still. Yes…I…still…love the Ex Factor. There’s no place like laying in the Nook with him!? But I must confess that Phoenix is a continuous infatuation! He sees me! I don’t have to ask him to see me! And he has always been my partner in crime! You see Phoenix taught me how to FUCK without feelings. My doctor of healing introduced me to ecstasy with no feeling but pleasure. He’s the reason I know lust from love and I cannot fall in love through sex. So for those of you thinking I want Phoenix…just stop! Some women are just built differently from others. In the land of Phoenix, legs are wide open, heart is numb, and only an explosion of pleasure is welcomed. And this is my confession to you…~KJM starting the week off with straight foolishness on Charm School Monday?