Archives for March 2016
Yesterday I wrote a blog called “Dear Girlfriend (The Fall of Phoenix)” and it caused quite an uproar between me and my siblings. Junior, our local moral police, said the blame is on both parties for where their 15 year relationship has ended up. My response to that is I cannot tell a man how to be a man/husband. My message was for the girlfriend…woman to woman because no matter what a man feeds you…women control the status of the relationship. Even if Phoenix is leading her on so that he can be an active live in dad, at some point in the last decade or so, the girlfriend continued to believe these promises/lies (if they were made to begin with). I can understand her position because I use to be her…those 5 years and 3 months (on and off) that I stayed with the ex factor. At some point, deep down inside my core (about 3.5 months in to be honest), I knew that “situationship” was never going anywhere but I CHOSE to stay with him or go back to him. No one can steal almost 2 decades of your life (with exception of slavery) without you at some point giving them permission to. Like I said, I use to be her. I’m still pissed about the 5 years and 3 months of wasted time but I take responsibility for it. The Ex Factor could only take what I willingly gave. So my letter was for the woman because I am a woman. I can only address what I can identify with and understand. Brenda’s position was that she never wants to be a mistress because it’s not a feeling she’s comfortable with. Clearly my moral compass is different than my siblings. Let me be crystal clear on something…I don’t mess with people’s marriages. Women have taken my men and I’ve sometimes willingly or accidentally taken theirs. Boyfriend and girlfriend shit is just that…SHIT. Show me somewhere in the law books or in the Bible where it says respect a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?! I’m not saying I was in the right but if you all remember correctly…I wrote “Dear Girlfriend” before actually committing the affair. I’m not always living right (but who is?). I gave the girlfriend some warning shots/advice. If you want your union to be respected then you need to come up with something better than girlfriend/baby mama. Aim high! As for anyone judging my past mistakes or my current stance, I practice what I preach. I’ve had women cheat with my man and guess what…I was angry with HIM! A woman who doesn’t know me, doesn’t owe me shit. She gonna get hers. And I can’t blame her since I was settling for girlfriend and not aiming for WIFE.?? My position is not about who is right or wrong. In the midst of an awakening, you will encounter the righteous and the unrighteous. You must choose your position. I just drop knowledge that comes from my truth. My naked truth! That’s what blogging is about. Every story I share, I get buck naked in front of you. After all, I am human which by definition means that I am a sinner. Our awakenings will never be cut and dry. It’s a journey where we are alert to the good and evil in our truths. I do not blog in black and white. I stay in the gray. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying I really appreciate my siblings, Junior and Brenda, for expressing their truths?
Dear Girlfriend, you are probably surprised to be hearing from me. Or are you? To be honest, I didn’t know I was going to write you until this morning. You see I’ve been friends with Phoenix, your boyfriend and father of your child, for almost as long as you have known him. We have a very strange friendship. Over the years, he has been that good friend that isn’t always in my life but is there when I need him most. He is sexy, intelligent, funny, and easy going. He’s got the biggest chocolate penis I’ve ever seen but then again maybe I should just spare you those details since you clearly know what his private parts look like. Let me be clear about something, this letter is really for YOU. It’s not for Phoenix…for he and I know where we stand. Things I say may come off disrespectful but I promise you, I mean no disrespect. It’s just that since he has been my mistress on and off for 15 years and I’m now being given the chance to be his….I had to write. I’m not in love with Phoenix nor do I want to take him away from you. I’ve seen pictures of you (on Facebook of course) and you are beautiful! Your daughter looks just like you! And while this sounds weird coming from me, you guys make a lovely family! From what I can see, he is an AMAZING father! But every time I ask him if he loves you…he replies that he loves his daughter. Over the years, I’ve been to almost all of Phoenix’s apartments….even before your daughter was born. For the most part, I would visit when you guys were on breaks. Though to be honest, I’m sure somewhere in there…you and I overlap. I tend to only stay for the night and then travel back to whatever state I’ve been living in. Phoenix was okay with me staying but I have always made it clear that I just want him to heal my broken heart for a night and then I’m on my way. Never on any of my trips did I see a picture of you or any remnants of a woman in his apartment…even when he was in graduate school. His place has always been a complete bachelor pad and even though I was never fearful that you would appear in the middle of the night (as nothing around us reminded me of you) I was never able to get a good night sleep next to Phoenix. In my mind, he has always belonged to you. I’m sure by now you are getting frustrated with me and are wondering why I am writing. Chill. Be patient. Actually patience is your problem. I’m trying not to judge but how could you be with a man for over 15 years, give birth to his child, and still just be his live in girlfriend?! Now I don’t know if the institution of marriage will ever be for me but I respect it. You see if you were his wife, I would never consider laying down with Phoenix again. Girl even if you were a fiancé coupled with the fact that you are the mother of his child, you would not be getting this letter…from me. Once again, I’m trying not to judge but how could girlfriend or baby mama (I cringe just writing that) be enough for a woman who loves herself?! It’s one thing if both parties do not believe in marriage but I get the feeling you do. I think you have been patiently waiting, since the birth of your daughter, for Phoenix to propose. Well it’s 2016 and he just told me…he has no plans to ever propose! Ouch I feel it for you! But then it crossed my mind that you just may know that he is not in love with you but just doesn’t want another man to raise his child. It occurred to me that you go to bed at night well aware of your situation but you settled. Now I know what you are thinking….how do I know that Phoenix isn’t lying to me?! First off, he and I have always been honest with each other because we are so similar in so many ways. I don’t have to pretend like I don’t got a man when I go see him. Second, Phoenix is well aware that if after seeing each other on and off for 15 years and I never stayed with him…I won’t. He got into this knowing my heart would always live elsewhere. One time, shortly after your daughter was born and while you guys were definitely broken up, Phoenix and I tried to give the relationship a chance. He was ride or die for me while I was facing the final challenges of my professional career. Phoenix held me down and I really appreciate him for that. He was there when my first love, Julio, was too selfish to be. I appreciate your man and clearly I respect him if I’m hesitating to join him in destroying his family. I’m sure by now you are wondering why I haven’t made the trip to your state and fucked your man? I’ve a few reasons why I haven’t: 4. My siblings, Junior and Brenda, aren’t about this life. I’ve been so reformed in loving and being with just one man (Elijah) and if I dip during our hard times and let Phoenix sample this good good pussy, I may never be able to be faithful…even in marriage and that scares me. 3. I do love Elijah. 2. I don’t want the karma from this affair. And my number 1 reason for writing and not agreeing to see Phoenix is…your daughter. You see I grew up around lots of domestic violence and infidelity. I make no excuses for my past mistakes but my childhood has a lot to do with the way I view love, marriage, and fidelity. Know that I would never want to put your daughter through any of that. I want her growing up believing in love and marriage. Parents sometimes forget that when you cheat on your spouse, you destroy your children in the process. I don’t think this has occurred to Phoenix because I know if it had, he would never be open to our affair. And I know he would not intentionally do anything to hurt his child. I’ve more experience in this area than he does…both as a child growing up around infidelity and now a grown adult that’s jaded. I don’t want that for your daughter. It is thoughts of her that makes me write you. Thoughts of her happiness that makes me stop in my tracks and wake up to what I was about to do. Question though…why hasn’t thoughts of your daughter inspired you to be more than a girlfriend/baby mama? Why doesn’t your love for her…increase your love for yourself?! Why haven’t you told Phoenix that he is a damn good father but if he isn’t trying to be a loving husband to you….you both must part ways except for when taking care of your child. I know you love him. You have to….you have been hanging in there for 15 years! Some of those years you were probably young and dumb but now you are a mother. What’s your excuse now? If you are patiently waiting for his love for you to return…you are going about this all wrong. From looking at your pictures, you seem sweet and caring. A professional man like Phoenix love challenges. I’m a tiger in everything I do especially in both my careers! I hustle hard and I make no apologies about how aggressive I can be when I’m going after a goal. I’m not afraid to leave nor lose a man. I’ve protected my womb and hope to only share a child with my future husband or have no child at all as I live as a happy single. No one knows what the future holds but a man like Phoenix knows that I patiently wait for no man but God. Now here’s where I get a little graphic. Before I let you go, I’ve to paint a picture so you really and truly understand how dire the situation is. Stop patiently waiting in life and in bed. Phoenix likes to be challenged. From his pulling my hair to him slapping my ass to him getting turned on when I pretend to almost call him another man’s name while I climax…Phoenix is a freak. He has been my sexual teacher. I’m not sure if sex really is your issue because he actually never bad mouths you to me. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t talk about you at all! Learn to be memorable and not a doormat who may have been easily forgotten had it not been for other life circumstances. Cheer your man on but don’t forget to let him know that he has to work for you! I may not be a wife but I’ve had 3 chances to be married so far in life and I’ve turned them all down. I could be married in 6 months if I wanted to. Men do love bad girls! My motto in life is I’m a good woman when I meet a good man until then…I’m a bad girl for life. The type that sat on your man’s face and isn’t afraid to play rough with him. I….patiently…wait…for…no…man. And if I want something I take it! Whatever your issues are…get couples’ counseling and see if you can make it work for the sake of you, Phoenix, and your daughter. There may be real love there but love is not much without work. I’m going to leave Phoenix alone for now but just know that there will be others! They may not write nor will they give a damn about the title girlfriend. Some hoes don’t give a damn about the title wife but if she has the ability to be a good woman, the word wife will stop her in her tracks! Wife is the goal here! Aim high! And if Elijah and I don’t work out, I may swing back around to see if you have been upgraded. Let me leave you with some words of wisdom (also known as the song I will strip to for YOUR man if you are still just a girlfriend in a year or two): “I was runnin’ through the 6 with my woes Yeah! I was runnin’ through the 6 with my woes You know how that should go You know how that should go You know how that should go Runnin’ through the 6 with my woes You know how that should go You know how that should go You know how that should go” Know Yourself by Drake! ~KJM on Hump Day saying girlfriends get your credentials up or no woman that isn’t your family member nor friend will respect you. If you are not a wife, your man is always up for grabs!
This blog, thus far, has been my happy place…even in the midst of darkness. Just wanted to say thank you to all my readers! One Love?
I found this meme on Pinterest and fell deep in love with it. Why were we ever chasing Prince Charming?! The Wolf has so much more to offer! Moral of the story here is who you will eventually love to the brink of madness will almost never be the person you dreamt up in your mind nor the person society expects. The Wolf is real while Prince Charming is who we try to get our men to be like. So fall in love with your very own Wolf and you will be his hors d’oeuvre, main course, and his dessert! Yum? ~KJM on Charm School Monday dropping knowledge as I learn them?
Yesterday evening, without giving it much thought…I unblocked the ex factor from my phone. It wasn’t because I wanted to hear from him again. I think it was the universe’s way of telling me that I’m finally healed from this period in my life and if I chose to hurt more…it would be just that…A CHOICE! Never thought I would see the day. I promise you, I didn’t even know I was going to do it. I thought I would forever lie in shame and be enslaved to the 5 years and 3 months he dwelled in my heart. But it (the pain) is no more. And if you ever see me carrying it around again…know it was a choice. God released me and I’m forever grateful…
At first glance, I wish I had been the type of woman that could say to him…I’ve waited for you my whole life. I wish I could have made the time stop and show him all my wounds that came before him. Part of me wished I could have taken all my broken pieces and handed it over to him….urging him to put me back together. I wish I could have been the type of woman to say…let’s never break up because you are my whole world. I hoped by now that I could wear each scar as a badge of honor and show them off with pride! After all…I lived them, I survived them, and I earned the right to say that they did not kill me! I wish I could say that I see my future in him. Most of all, I wish I missed him more than I missed my freedom to fly off to whatever destination I wanted! You see even at 34, while the clock is ticking and everyone around me has a family, I fail to imagine a world where it’s more than just me…that’s worth fighting for. At first glance, I should have just said openly and honestly that I could never be the type of woman to make him my everything. There’s always another adventure. Always a part of me that says only pain can exist in a home where it is more than just me who lays down there. You see the thing about this awakening is I feel everything! Pain, passion, and the poison that lies in my veins…the type of poison my mind created that said…happiness in love just isn’t for you. I….feel…everything! And once I awoke, I made the conscious choice to continue to feel…not think of….everything. ~KJM yearning for Spring on this cloudy Sunday.
I awoke after a period of time where I was unconscious. But before I can speak on it…let me take you into a realm of unconsciousness. Eyes closed. It felt like I had slept for days when I realized where I was. I’m not sure how I got here…just know that the last time I remembered being me…I was pulling the covers over my head. We all have moments in life like this…a moment where we want to be unconscious. My mind was filled with so many thoughts that I just wanted to stop thinking. Stop feeling. Stop hoping. Stop keeping the faith. Stop praying. I’m ashamed the most of that last one. I always imagined myself praying even in my sleep. Things just got so overwhelming and if I just stopped…maybe I could catch my breath. Breathe Kingston breathe! That’s what I kept whispering to myself during my time of unconsciousness. You are a fighter. Reclaim your life! But there I was….still sleeping. Still not feeling. Oh the break from feeling was the most therapeutic. My heart could just beat and I could just be. No tears. No fears. No feeling. Life was swallowing me up and I stopped feeling. Numbness was my friend. She promised me a life of no tears forgetting to mention that she, Numbness that is, would also take away smiles. Did I really want to give all of that up? I could do without my heart breaking but what about the times my heart fell so deep in love that it felt like the Heavens were smiling at me? What about those times? Eyes closed yet a tear fell. One tear. That’s all it took and I could suddenly feel again. Just one tear and I was back. Promising myself never to willingly lay in a state of unconsciousness…and to never willingly give up on my life and heart…my eyes slowly began to open. Part of my spirit awoke…unlocking my limbs and my arteries. Suddenly blood was pumping through my body with a powerful force. The tears started to stream then and my eyes were now fully open. Crying was a sign of being conscious! I…was…now…conscious! And it was the deepest awakening I had ever experienced. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday asking “won’t you feel with me?”