I forgot your Fuck You! Looked for it so hard. It was buried under my I hate you’s. That’s where I keep it….in a tiny box that’s titled: I fucking loathe you. I will have to forgive eventually but not because you deserve it. Simply because the New Year is coming and I don’t want any part of you…not even your fuck you’s….
Archives for October 2015
Last night’s Being Mary Jane was breathtakingly brilliant! Lisa, MJ’s childhood friend, committed suicide. So much to say and so much to feel. Here’s a guide to some of the deep topics touched on:
10. Depression is a real disease. It’s not just someone being sad and begging for attention. Truth is, most of us…including myself, do not know how to handle people with mental illnesses. I’ve a cousin who is bipolar and does not take her meds. After years of a toxic relationship, I just stopped communicating with her. People with mental illnesses need help and their loved ones need support as well…on how to deal, how to cope, and how to help.
9. The Black community bottles up most things, including depression. Everything we keep quiet, however, is killing us quickly. Depression and AIDS are two diseases claiming our lives as fast as the sun shines on our faces daily.
8. We have to start a conversation about these illnesses. Burying them does not help. I don’t have all the answers but as I watched last night’s episode unfold chills went up and down my spine. It’s time and Mary Jane opened the door! Let’s start this conversation.
7. The most brilliant people often carry around the deepest demons. You could be crazy intelligent and talented but extremely sick/psychotic.
6. With the awareness that Lisa was sick, David took advantage of her illness. He took her money and allowed her to seduce him knowing full well he was in love with MJ. David really is a “bitch made” man as PJ described on last week’s episode! He is a soft disgusting penis.
5. David never deserved Mary Jane’s love nor Lisa’s friendship. He’s a user and selfish.
4. When all was said and done, David looked MJ in the face and told her it wasn’t her fault Lisa committed suicide! Even over Lisa’s dead body, David still did not take responsibility for his part in Lisa’s demise! This man deserves to be left all by himself!
3. We often times give our love to people who do not deserve it. Mary Jane is this beautiful talented black woman with a big heart and she gave her love cheaply. Even she did not know her true worth! MJ, Lisa, and the rest of us….have to forgive ourselves for loving someone with every fiber of our being that did not nor could not love us back. Some how we have to take that pain and move forward…with a forgiving heart, open mind, and a willingness to try love again with a new person.
2. Too many of us, like MJ, are addicted to pain. One of the quotes from last night’s episode was that “we choose our joys and sorrows before we experience them.” I don’t know if I truly believe that but I do believe that once you have had negative experiences with toxic people and you keep letting them back in to hurt you again…you are now addicted to the pain. I’m guilty of this too….Not knowing my worth and being addicted to pain…5 years and 3 months of pain. When Mary Jane told David that she has nothing left to give him….I felt it was a freeing moment for her and some of us watching! I pray that it’s the beginning of healing for her character and those of us in real life that have been there or are currently there!
And 1. This is the hardest thing for me to write. The part of the show that made me want to throw up last night is how Lisa’s mom was aware of the fact that Lisa’s step dad molested her from ages 9-16! Some women will do anything to keep a man…even allow him to rape her child! I’ve two such women in my family and I always say if either of them pass….don’t call me to attend their funerals unless you want me to spit on their bodies! While last night’s main theme was depression awareness…molestation is the dirty little secret killing communities all around the world. I’ve men and women in my family molested by family members or close family friends and even when the victims told…some members of my family chose to protect the abusers instead of the victims. As a result, some of my relatives are drugged out and/or suffering from a mental illness! Why does society put the victims of sexual assault/molestation on trial instantly and not the alleged abusers?! Jesus be a fence! If we can’t protect our kids…who will? This part of the story line was too real for me. If you are a victim of molestation/sexual assault…tell someone! If that person doesn’t listen keep telling until someone believes you and helps you! Never give up on yourself! And I’m so sorry this has happened to you! We often teach our children to watch out for the “boogie” man failing to mention that he has a greater chance of being someone they know and trust! This is how these sick people get away with it! And if you are a parent protecting someone who is raping your children there’s a special place in hell for you! Just watching the effects of molestation from the outside is devastating. It haunts me. What could we as a family/community have done better?! I forever ask myself this question. Be well my friends! ~KJM in deep thought on Hump Day
I’m disappointed that I ever let you in. Tempted to try to erase history and pretend you never existed. Some life lessons I would have rather learned second hand….
I’ve heard it time and time again…“I’m not a hater. I just don’t like you!” Lies I tell you! In my life, I’ve two types of people: the people I love and the people that just don’t exist. Even if we were once friends, the moment I end that friendship I neither love nor hate you. I will shut people down when they try to tell me anything good or bad about you. Like I said, in my world you don’t exist. So if someone is exuding intense dislike for me for long periods of time (whether warranted or not) or they are always in my business judging every single thing I do….they are in fact a HATER! Here’s a guide to recognizing these negative people.
10. This one bugs me but it needs to be said. Sometimes haters can come in the form of so called friends and family. They kiss you on one cheek and diss you on the other! Chances are there’s something about you that they admire and instead of saying so they decide to hate. Whatever these traits are…they secretly want to be you and are mad they can’t do things the way you do!
9. Haters/critics like to stay close. It’s like they are addicted to you. They will be all up in your Victoria’s Secret and some!
8. There’s nothing you can do to make a hater like you or get off your name. During a very difficult time, a close college friend told me that everyone will always have something to say about us because we are unique and not afraid to be ourselves! I dried my tears and kept my head up. He was right. The haters didn’t stop me! Thanks CJ!
7. Haters troll on all your social networks. Get use to it. To them, you are an infamous celebrity. That’s right you are their Kim K. Lol.
6. Many haters have low self esteem. Think about it. Who has time to focus on someone 24/7 that does not add something positive to their lives? Shouldn’t that time be best spent on them fixing their lives?
5. Haters may even attack your family. There’s no limits that they won’t surpass to bring you down.
4. Some haters don’t even know they are haters! Hence the “I just don’t like you” statement! If you’ve been on my Facebook page 7 times today and you don’t even like me….you have some serious issues! I never think about you nor go on your page.
3. Don’t entertain haters. I think some are devil worshippers. If you know exactly who they are (some are bold enough to let it be known….I think they are called stalkers!), don’t let them know anything about your life. Don’t feed into that negative energy and watch your food and drinks if ever around them. These low life’s know no boundaries.
2. Even when life gets you down and people have hurt you….try never to become a hater. Resist returning the favor. Keep your head held high during adversity for you are BLESSED and HIGHLY FAVORED. What GOD has set out for you…no hater can ever take away!
And 1. To all the haters, we never think about you unless you show your ugly self (inside and out). So do us a favor and just focus on yourselves. However, if you decide to continue to hate on us, then we want to thank you! Thank you for making us so important to your life and your spirit. Thanks for breathing us when we have not wasted a breath on you! ~KJM, on Temptation Tuesday, telling all the haters peace ✌?️
People can say whatever they want about me but they know THEY CAN NEVER BE ME! Yea I’ve been through some shit but when I step in a place no one can tell. I always look great. Even with all the obstacles in my life, I’m doing well. They stay trying to figure out how I’m doing it. While they are focused on me…..I’m focused on thriving! And guess what? I’m STILL STANDING!
I think he could be someone I could fall in love with. If God has that in His plans, I pray he falls in love first. I love the way he looks at me every time I enter a room. It’s always as if he is seeing me for the first time….the very first time….
Broken hearts will heal….we were not meant to stay broken….
I’m dating a man who is slowly showing me that he is strong enough to show up for me….and I am in awe….
I really want things to work out. Though I’m not sure if it’s because nothing has ever worked out or if it’s because there is just something special about him….