Working For Your Blessings (The Walk Through Fire Edition)

I wrote a funny Hump Day blog yesterday but still haven’t posted it. Just wasn’t in the mood…maybe I will post it on Friday. Last week, I got hit with some devastating news that I was sworn to secrecy about. The burden was just too much for me….I could not walk by myself through fire…so I told Willow and Grace. They each bring a different kind of support system, are easy to reach throughout the night because they have children, and will definitely keep it to themselves. Sometimes things get dropped on us and we feel like we are coping but we are really just existing…until we snap! Last week, I was on vacation so I thought I was dealing with everything okay but being back in my home state…I’m unraveling at the seams! Yesterday, after work, and during my evening commute, I found myself crying on the bus. I’m really not as strong as people sometimes make me out to be. And the journey is long (I pray) and hard (I pray not). ?????? Grace got me right with the scriptures (as always). I explained to her that this news has put a wedge between the Ex Factor and I (as if we need anything else but air to be between us). He knows something is wrong but does not quite know how to tackle the issue since I shut down and become numb as a survival tactic when I just can’t deal. Grace pointed out a few things (1) I must stay positive during this battle?? (2) I have not forsakened God for Him to put such a hardship on my shoulders (3) Patience and Strength are huge blessings that are often taught through trials and tribulations and (4) I must teach the Ex Factor how to support me!?? Wow that was a mouthful! I keep telling Grace that she is blessed with so many abilities and that individuals and couples could use her counseling…because she always gets even stubborn me right! And that is never an easy task. Amen! Let’s focus in on two things Grace said. This idea that Patience and Strength are huge blessings that in essence we work for…blew me away. I always believed in testimonies and blessings but did not wholeheartedly understand how they are fully connected. God is blessing me as He makes me walk through fire?! Hold that thought! ?? This news has shaken me to the core of my being. I feel like I’m falling apart. Like I can barely stand and God would purposely do this to me?! But why? Patience and Strength disguised in pain and heartache is not how I thought it all worked. I figured blessings come when the Good Lord was ready to…bless us. I figured testimonies were the pause before the blessing…I didn’t realize that the TESTIMONY COULD BE THE BLESSING!!! But why me Lord? Why now Lord? Is it to work on my heart? Is it to prepare me for what’s to come? How can I prepare for the uncertainty of it all? We are chosen in life to walk a path and no one but our Higher Power knows exactly why. But this idea of working for my blessing….earning it…walking through it (not around it)…and hopefully coming out as a better more loving person for it…is scary yet inspirational! And Lord knows I’m terrified. Now on to this concept of teaching the Ex Factor how to support me. Last June when my friend, Michele, suddenly passed away. I fell apart…like in a way no one could foresee. I know the Ex Factor wanted to be there but just didn’t know how and I could not verbally tell him how to support me because to be honest…I had no clue. I think this was the beginning of what is now known as the temporary end for us. At the time, it felt pretty final when I walked away. I just had nothing left to give and had exhausted all my options (or so I thought). And even when Junior, Grace, and Nicole said that this was the time to hold on to the Ex Factor…I let go. Not only because it is what I’m use to doing but because the pain of losing Michele forever and now slowly losing the Ex Factor was all too much to bare. So I left and I tried to find myself. To give myself hope even with the grief I carried around with me. In hindsight, part of me wishes I had been strong enough to stay with the Ex Factor. Strong enough to figure out the support I needed and demanded it. The thing with him is he will listen…even if he doesn’t understand. The Ex Factor would at least try. I know that now…after going through all that grief by myself. I know that now. So I must teach him to be PRESENT even if he isn’t sure of the words to say. I must teach him to be THERE every step of the way because I will need him on this journey. This is one road I cannot walk alone and trust me…I wouldn’t want to. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday saying Faith, Hope, and Love are related for a reason. So I dig deeper into unchartered territory while praying every step of the way that WE were built for this??