Yesterday I stumbled upon another one of “your man ain’t shit” articles! Even though I warn you guys to stay away from them…I like to torture myself by reading them because it always comes up that the Ex Factor (the person he is today) ain’t shit. ? But what I did not know is…I’m not shit either for putting up with him! ? Well surprise surprise! The article named 10 types of men that if we are dating them, we don’t love ourselves! As if I don’t have enough shit to deal with! The only two I had dated on my list were the Narcissist (Julio and Elijah) and the Casual Dater (The Ex Factor). ? Some frustrated woman in the comments section said that the article described 99% of men so what are we women to do? ? Poor thing is considering joining the “lesbian by choice” club that I’ve often contemplated….but am still only attracted to men! Rats! ? So now that the article established that I don’t love myself…I can either ignore it or challenge it. While I don’t make the best dating decisions and I damn sure shouldn’t be playing match maker any time soon…how I feel about myself is NOT the reason why I put up with the Ex Factor! I took a long hard look at the mess I’m in and realized that I stick with him for two main reasons…(1) He stuck by me through the worst time period in my life with no complaints and (2) I use to be him…most of my dating life. I think the latter reason is the biggest reason I stay. After Julio broke up with me at the end of my first year of graduate school in 2007, I was so frustrated that he would not give me more time. I needed time to adjust to words like fiancée, wife, and mother. And some how even with all our ups and downs over a ten year span, I still could not wrap my head around any of it. But I felt like if he would give me more time to pursue my dreams, I would be loyal and give him the family life he wanted. My last words to him…during our breakup…was…“we were suppose to get married and have a family…” Two years later when he reentered my life…I still had love for him but nothing between us would ever be the same. It would take me years after to realize that Julio broke my heart in Summer 2007 and when he resurfaced in November 2009…my love for him in a romantic way had died. What I initially held on to was someone familiar. Love…in a romantic way…no longer existed! And it damn sure didn’t help that Julio left me TWICE when I was in the trenches…the end of my first year of graduate school…and then when I graduated and could not find a job due to the recession. I begged him to pay my cell phone bill (no more than 80 bucks at the time) and he told me no because I “would probably use my phone to call other guys.” My phone got cut off and not only could I not call Phoenix ?but I also could not respond to potential employers!!! ? That was the shit I could never forget. Julio watched me struggle…and did nothing to help me. I would never have done that to him. To this day if he needed something (short of me taking him back), I would help the best I could! But that’s just me. We had been through too much to watch each other drown in life! Years later when the shit would hit the fan with the Ex Factor, I would text Julio cussing him out for not being there for me. I truly believe had Julio stepped up like a man who cared about a woman should…I would never have fallen for the Ex Factor! I blamed Julio for that…for years too. My resentment was still so high for Julio until mid 2015 when I realized he wasn’t there for me by choice and that is how he had been for all the years I’ve known him! ? Even now, Julio and I are not friends because he likes to speak negativity into my life. The Ex Factor is a lot of things but he’s not going to leave his friends in the trenches (he treats them better than he does me) and during the hard times he does not run! That’s why I stay down! And no I don’t owe the Ex Factor a damn thing much less the rest of my life but if you knew me during what I call the Dark Ages (May 2009-May 2013), you would know the light and love the Ex Factor brought into my life starting in June 2010. Yes he treats me terribly but it was almost no different than how I treated many guys in my past when I wasn’t ready to commit. My focus was only on myself. Love was inconvenient…still fucking is. I just started growing up around two years ago thanks to Elijah and his mess! Before that time period…love equaled running when shit got bad. So yes I feel like a doormat at times and yes it feels like I’m never going to get out of this world of pain but the happiness I found in those dark moments brought to life the Kingston Jael Michaels that writes to you weekly. That’s why I stay down with the Ex Factor. And maybe I will regret it…but it’s gonna be my regret to have…. ~KJM giving you a bonus blog on Hump Day. So much on my mind. It helps writing to you all! ?
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