This is going to sound so weird coming from me but it’s 4:23am…just a few hours before I have all of my wisdom teeth pulled…and I just have to get something straight with you guys. I am nervous and yes…I am scared. I’m the type of person who has never been sick (minus the flu) and has never had any type of surgery. Couple that with the thousands I’m paying out of pocket for this surgery and I just feel sick to my stomach. Please keep me in your prayers. ?? I love to control everything but I cannot control this. As a matter of fact, I am realizing that I haven’t been able to control much lately! Here I am in this very scary moment and I know that I cannot count on the Ex Factor. And I’m not even mad about it. I think I’ve known for a while…that he wasn’t MY ONE. You see just like with Julio…I feel like I’m trapped in a cycle. Like the devil got a hold of my soul and just because I love a man….doesn’t mean he is my forever. To be honest, I know he’s holding on to me until he finds someone better. I think I’ve been doing the same subconsciously. Every time I see a better opportunity and I feel like I just cannot take the hell I am in…I leave the Ex Factor (with or without notice). He isn’t ready to be loved and I’m finally ready to give love. WE hide so much from each other (never use to be like that) but since December 2012, when my trust in him was broken, I don’t think I’ve ever fully forgiven him nor let him back in. It’s like I’ve let him put one foot back in the house…but the rest of his body is hanging outside. ? I have said it time and time again…I hold grudges and part of me is still angry about the past! In the present…I’m not angry…I’m just exhausted. Exhausted from fighting to heal something that wants to stay broken. I remember my 10 years on and off with Julio. It was so toxic that no one ever thought I would finally get him out of my system! But they were wrong! And so was I for that matter! Lol. In April 2017, I would have known Julio for 20 years…the last 10 of which I couldn’t stand the sight of him. No one ever saw that coming but God knew and I believe deep down inside…I always knew that Julio was NOT the one. It’s just nothing better (or shall I say more toxic) had come along until I met the Ex Factor in June 2010. Once again I fell for Mr. Wrong and found myself in another no win situation! I love the Ex Factor in a way I’ve never loved any other man…but I don’t trust him and damn sure don’t respect him. There’s only one guy I’ve ever dated that I respected and that’s the football player from college because he always kept it real with me, was honest about where we stood (we knew neither of us was ever IN love), and his word was his bond! ?? That’s why he has always been my one that’s got away. Never was I ever held tight by a man so caring…until there was him! Never did I have a man treat me with so much respect…even when no one else was around…never did a man hold me up so high…until there was the football player! I really hope and pray the football player is happy in the relationship he’s in and stays blessed! Because I’ve known what it’s like to date someone wonderful that I’m not in love with but is too great to let go (speaking of the football player here)…I get where the Ex Factor is coming from. He’s at a point where he thinks he can find better than me (maybe he’s felt that way from the jump) but doesn’t want to let me go in case he’s wrong! That was me with the football player! We split in 2004 yet I held onto that friendship until 2012…when he met someone special! Ahhh yes if you do the math, I was dating the Ex Factor at that time! Daddy didn’t raise no fool! I’ve always kept my options open!?? While he did not tell me that he wanted to end our friendship, I finally let the football player go because as his friend…I wanted him to be happy! That right there is one of the big differences between men and women! A man will hold onto a woman he don’t truly want til he goes to his grave because he’s selfish! A good woman, on the other hand, especially when she’s not in love….will let that man go so that he can be happy. This is what I wished Julio, the Ex Factor, and all the other guys I’ve dated had done for me. Leave me the fuck alone because I can do bad by my damn self! ?? I think they held on tightly…not because they thought I would do bad…but because they thought I would find HAPPINESS without them! ? Men are selfish creatures like that! BUT GOD! What God can remove from our hearts and lives…no man has the power to!?? So my prediction is…just like Julio…one day (soon I hope and pray) I will get up…quietly…and be permanently over this toxic phase I have with the Ex Factor. Because God is just that GOOD! So as I prepare to have my surgery…I want to enlighten you (guys and girls) on what I recommend you do when you find out he or she is not the one! REJOICE!?? Because God’s got you coverage! Know that you were not forgotten…you were just being prepared for something and someone better. When it feels like that toxic version of love has the upper hand on you…remember that GOD IS ABLE! Also, if you aren’t married nor have kids with your soon to be toxic ex….consider yourself lucky! You will get out easily…with some bumps and bruises on your heart…but you will love again! Consider yourself to be blessed because God didn’t take you down the alter for you to find out you did not marry HIS promise to you! HE warned you way before! So REJOICE…even through the tears because this too shall pass! And even if you are married and are having this conversation with yourself….all is not lost! I’ve a good amount of friends on their second marriages! Maybe the first one wasn’t a “Godly meant to be marriage” but the second one just may be! Do not lose hope! Do not think that the devil will be on your back forever for…GOD IS ABLE! In my heart of hearts, I cannot tell you how things will play out with the Ex Factor. Only God knows the full story. But I can tell you that it’s a freeing feeling to finally come to terms with the fact that he is not my one! I’m going to fall in love again and this time, with all the lessons I’ve learned, I will also be loved! Not selfishly but wholeheartedly! And there will be trials and tribulations but I shall be going through them with a man I love, trust, and respect! No more wondering where I stand…because he will let me know! And he will be ready…so will I…for that matter! That’s my prediction! So REJOICE ladies and gentlemen because the BEST has yet to come! And if you are worried about your toxic ex finding happiness before you do…let me give you a tip. Julio has been engaged…I don’t know how many times…impregnated women…I don’t know how many times…and while I’m not rejoicing in his pain…last I check…he’s still single and bitter!!! I’ve never been engaged and never been pregnant. While I’m not the smartest in love…I’ve always protected the permanent treasures in my life from a fake forever! Some folks…Lawd…especially men…will go with whomever! Take whomever! Marry whomever! They didn’t find the one God sent for them…they took her replacement because she was easier! Now I don’t wish that fate on any of my exes…I really do wish them well…but I want to spare y’all what I went through with Julio. Every special announcement he had going on in his life…Julio would share with me! And when I hung up the phone…when I use to care of course…I would cry! I would think…he treats them so much better than me! But in all honesty, when Julio ran down all he had gone through in the almost 10 years since we had seriously dated…those women got more material things out of him because he sure never bought me shit…but those things were all false gods…pretty, expensive, looked like they were signaling something deep…but in actuality weren’t signaling anything at all but false promises and false hope! Those women went through hell and back with Julio! I now consider myself the lucky one! Life is really funny like that…I wish I could have told my May 2007 self (our final break up and the first time and last time Julio broke up with me) that I was the lucky one! Let’s repeat that! I WAS THE LUCKY ONE!!! So I stay “in waiting” and get frustrated with God at times but do not give up on me…for I’m leaving this entire Ex Factor mess to God! REJOICE when it’s clear that he’s not the one and then…let “Jesus take the wheel!” ~KJM on Hump Day saying…be blessed my friends. Please keep me and my family in your prayers!
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