Quiet. No one tells you how quiet and calm you become when that hour has arrived…the hour where the process of falling out of love is complete. When your heart is breaking you probably imagine this dramatic scene where you storm out on your ex lover and you just miraculously move on. Maybe it’s like that for some folks but it was not that way for me with Julio. On and off for ten years, no one ever thought I would leave him permanently. And they were right. He left me. Since we were teenagers, I had called all the breaks (sounds familiar ?). Julio had not once said he wanted to give up on me but his ass surely didn’t treat me well either! ✌? As teenagers, I was terrible to him but as we got into young adulthood, I became our rock…holding us down for as long as I could or until I saw a new conquest I just had to have. No way was I going to only sleep with one man my entire life (and thank goodness because with exception for the need for experimenting…Julio was horrible in bed and even worse as he got older). There was no way in hell I was going to marry my first love either. Most women on my mother’s side of family had done that while the women on my dad’s side were tricking and hoeing. It worked out well for none of them! Matter of fact, my love life looks perfect compared to what the women in the generation above me went through or put themselves through.? That speaks volumes. ? I wanted to fall somewhere in between settling for the first man I slept with and tricking and hoeing. There had to be something in between the two categories…I hoped. And there sure was! I created my own category. ?? From the jump, Julio was always about marriage and family. I was about neither. Self exploration and my education were my top priorities. To this day, I don’t regret that decision. I consider Julio to be puppy love but for the betterment of this blog…we will treat puppy love like it is real. We went back and forth for years as I moved further and further away to advance my education. At the end of my first year of graduate school, Julio announced that he could not wait on marriage and family. I promised that if he stayed with me on this journey, I would deliver but he simply could not wait. This conversation took place in May 2007….right before my birthday. It’s 2018 and Julio still does not have love, marriage, nor children. Only he could tell you what happened after me. I can only speculate from the information he shared with me over the years. Personally, I think he met his great love right after me. She was older and tried to give him children. After several miscarriages and one stillborn, they parted. I think any woman that fights to bring a man’s child into this world is a keeper but hey what do I know. I pray she found happiness after Julio and that God did finally bless her with children. ?? Shortly after I finished my program, Julio resurfaced again in 2009…just as I was permanently cutting off Crazy. Odd timing. We would reconnect briefly before I started to black out during sex. I would remember arriving at Julio’s apartment, drinking nor eating nothing, and only remember leaving. No recollection of the sex at all. Men are just too simple because he had to have noticed that I was not emotionally present during intercourse. I asked him and he did notice. What the fuck?! It was at that point that I told him I was no longer attracted to him, physically nor emotionally and we needed to stop messing around. I think he thought it was a joke. January 2010 was the last time I ever slept with Julio. After that, I looked Phoenix up on Facebook and he was tending to my emotional needs since we lived four hours away from each other. But I digress. Even after walking away from Julio, I thought love was still there…not realizing that somewhere in the over two years we had been separated…I had fallen completely out of love with him. ?? Maybe it started the summer following the spring when Julio broke things off with me. I cried everyday for three and a half months…only eating giant Hershey bars. My stomach nor my heart could take no more. After the tears stopped, I went back to NC to finish up my program…never dwelling on the break up again. I can’t be sure of the exact moment but when it came it was quiet. Unnoticeable. Very quiet. I was in the south living my life when my heart gave up on Julio. The feeling of love or even slight care never returned. The point I’m trying to make is that if you are going through a romantic storm right now that quiet moment that you yearn for will come when you least expect it. I see glimpses of it with the Ex Factor and I. When there’s no more pain to be felt…the suffering will end and things will be quiet. Either God will work on us both or the quiet will come. A breakthrough is for sure on its way. I hope and pray that I have the energy to embrace my third love with the openness I embraced my second. Six months after I told Julio that our time had ended, I fell so hard for the Ex Factor. With no fear in my heart, I loved. During the three and a half months of crying I endured in summer 2007, the thought would not occur to me that in the future…I would have the ability to embrace love openly, honestly, and fearlessly but in July 2010, my heart did just that. Isn’t the heart amazing? ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Love fearlessly and the world will still be yours for the taking….for everything beautiful has love at the core of it. ?
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