This week I am in full throwback mode! From gushing at pictures of Jason and I to shredding old love letters written by Julio…20 years ago! As my nostalgia gets the best of me, I cannot help but wonder…what happened to Old Kingston?! She was filled with so much happiness. Plus she was bold as hell! Now I’m sad a lot and feel less adventurous. ? It’s one thing if I had a husband and children and lost my way….that’s a common thing. But it’s just me. It’s always been just ME…so how could I lose some of the best parts of me?! Going to graduate school in NC is where I think an insecure Kingston was born. It was a tough and rigorous program where we were all bright. The sadness of feeling like I always had to try harder than others coupled with the fact that nothing ever comes easily to me…never left me. Plus Julio broke up with me while I was waiting for my grades at the end of the first year of my program. Ten years off and on…down the damn drain. He left me when I needed him the most but it turns out…he did me a huge favor. Yea I’ve been through hell and back with the Ex Factor but I’ve always been my own person (while fucking up my life) instead of being forced into a life of marriage with children with a man I know I would have regretted marrying. So Julio saved me a divorce and a life with children that I never really wanted. ?? At the time of our final split, my heart was broken into about a billion pieces. It was the hardest I had ever taken a break up. For 3 months, all I ate were those GIANT HERSHEY BARS and cried everywhere I went. My family was so worried about me but at least I was eating something! Thank goodness I was so tiny then that a diet of only chocolate didn’t kill my body! Can’t do that shit now! I would be a million pounds! ??? With my tiny waist in tow, I went back to graduate school and finished my program! ?? My next self esteem hit came when I graduated at the height of the recession and there were no jobs! Julio was back in my life (as just a friend I occasionally slept with until I realized I was no longer attracted to him and had to stop), Phoenix reemerged (also as just a friend), and then I met and fell for the Ex Factor. Once again, I was struggling and Julio was not there for me. It left me vulnerable to the one person who had the time and energy to be there for me. This one simple act of kindness, in Summer 2010, is why I have put up with the Ex Factor for so long. When I was down and out…he was there. Knowing what I know now…and looking back…the Ex Factor was caring and affectionate because he was trying to prove to his friends that he wasn’t heartbroken over finding out his first love had repeatedly fucked one of his best friends. ? I was just a beautiful rebound to him and he was the person that met and held me at my rock bottom so maybe we both hung on for all the wrong reasons. I will say this though…my love was real. That is not something I could fake for 7 years! And I haven’t been at my rock bottom since 2013…so I loved even when my initial reasons may not have been great. For whatever the reasons, he held me down at my worst. And now I feel like I’ve more than paid him back by sticking through all the unkind words and treatment. So that’s where Old Kingston went. The minute she lost her ability to financially take care of herself…her self esteem took a hit with every check she couldn’t write! ? Now we all have moments like these in life. Doesn’t mean overall we have low self esteem…it just means that the world whooped our asses and as we were fighting to get up…we forgot to pick up all the pieces. I financially got right but forgot my value and worth as a black woman. Have no fear though because Old Kingston is still the foundation of who I am. She’s there…I just have to be brave enough to tap into her… ~KJM on Throwback Thursday! ? FYI click into this blog to see a picture of “Old Kingston” and head over to my Instagram account to see a very intimate photograph of Jason and I. ?
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