The Wrong Great Expectations (The Old Habits Die Hard Edition)

It’s Sunday and I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend! As you know, I rarely drop a blog on Sundays. It’s generally my day for resting my thoughts. I wanted to write yesterday but I spent the entire day pampering myself in big and small ways. It was my first day off in weeks and I just focused in on me. Of course it felt great to be the center of my own universe. I learned something very powerful about myself and I couldn’t wait to share it. Blogging has been so therapeutic for me in so many ways. I get to first hand see…on paper…areas I’ve grown and areas I need to work on. This is an area I need to work on blog. Just in case you have the same issue, please go grab a pen and a piece of paper. We have work to do. If you use to have this issue…please write in and let me know how you overcame it. Like I said from the beginning…I cannot do any of this alone. I believe it takes a small strong village to love a man from here to eternity and have a healthy relationship…especially when he was the one to create some of your hurts. Now let’s go back to the beginning of this weekend and see how I learned I have the wrong great expectations for the Ex Factor and I. I’ve been working (my day job) to meet a deadline for almost two months and in that time I started working 7 days a week. This weekend I was suppose to work but I met my deadline Friday evening. During this hectic time, the Ex Factor and I struggled to find time for each other. We spent time when we could and FaceTime when we couldn’t but we kept on communicating which is a good thing for us. I have to admit I’ve been on edge and extra emotional. Working long hours only increased that feeling of “I’m about to lose it.” Still we made it through okay. He came to see me Wednesday when I had had a terrible day at work. And he made my day. The few hours…we got to spend…we laughed and cuddled as I was reminded of why I chose him 6 years ago. Now it’s Friday and I have the entire weekend to myself. So I hit the Ex Factor up and told him if he didn’t already have plans…lets do the weekend big. Unbeknownst to me…I was setting another trap for him. He already had plans with his friends…with dating younger their friends always have so much weight and influence in their lives. Ugh. I typically would not break plans with friends for him because I don’t believe in leaving your friends for a man! Your friends hold you down when your universe gets blown to pieces by said man. But I digress…slightly. In the last 35 days, we’ve barely seen each other. Granted a huge part of it was I was working too hard for my “40 acres and a mule” and pulling 70 hour work weeks. So part of me expected him to drop what he was doing because I was now free! Yea big mistake. He went on about his life and I held onto my pride and ego and went about my life. I cried Friday night as I slept because we had just discussed last week (when he went away with friends and family) him not making me feel like a backup plan, second best, or an option. No way I was going to have that conversation twice so I let it go and continued with my life. The thing is…with every tear I dropped…I felt the old Kingston coming back and that ain’t good. The old Kingston got her needs met by any means necessary. If one man didn’t have time for her…she has no problems dialing one that does. I almost text Elijah! NOW PAUSE FOR A MINUTE! I wasn’t going to text Elijah to mess with his head. I really don’t want him in any shape nor form. I’ve already explained that he shot himself in the foot long before the Ex Factor came back into my life. Elijah had 8 months (even after I broke things off) to fight for us and he didn’t. He had 8 months to win my love, earn my trust, and be the type of man I need. But instead Elijah was focused on controlling me and arguing with me every step of the way. I got tired of that shit and ended it. I’ve no regrets about showing Elijah the door. His selfish ass should have met me on the subway that night but by God’s design he didn’t…he wasn’t meant to…because he wasn’t the one for me. I’m grateful for that moment on NJ transit where I turned my black ass around and aborted my mission to go to Brooklyn in the middle of a bad storm to see Elijah. It was a defining moment for me. I had had enough! ?? Only love could make me turn myself into a fool and I didn’t love Elijah. But even foolish me would only be with a man who cared about my safety and happiness. Okay back to my latest lesson. So had I text Elijah…it would not have been to makeup and keep two men at one time like old Kingston would consider when feeling insecure about her current situationship. I had been debating if I should have a conversation with Elijah so that things are not awkward when I bump into him (probably at work). I didn’t text him for 3 reasons.

3. I really do loathe having any kind of conversation with Elijah. He would probably think any kind of communication brings hope for us…that’s how huge his ego is. ???

2. I really do not owe Elijah a got damn thing. When I was dating him and I would hear from the Ex Factor…I certainly did not explain anything to the Ex Factor…I ignored him and that’s the man I love. So Elijah ain’t special and does not need an update about my life. I believe when you are truly happy…updating your ex is the last thing you want to do. You want to just live life. Even with the bumps in the road, I’m still happier with the Ex Factor than any other man.

1. I could feel old Kingston coming back and I had to cut her off at the pass. I can never control the Ex Factor but I can control my damn self and not open up a can of worms that’s going to blow up in my face! I have been like this since I was 15 years old and the emotional and/or physical cheating never did work the fuck out for me so why go down a road I know for a fact doesn’t fucking work?! ?? Well now here comes the bigger revelation! I expect the Ex Factor to hurt me. I expect him to make me last in his life. I expect to have to keep two men at the same time in my life….one being a side piece like Phoenix who is there emotionally and sometimes physically when I feel abandoned! Old Kingston is a hot damn mess! I already know that this part of her has to go but letting go of ego and pride ain’t easy. I felt her creeping up and I had to stop her. So I cried it out then I woke up on Saturday and pampered myself. I even went out Saturday night with my family to a lounge and we had a great time. I was with Junior and my cousin, Katrina. Neither of them would ever let me do anything stupid not that I was about that life. But I digress…while I had a great Saturday and was starting to feel rested…I realized that I’m expecting us (the Ex Factor and I) not to make it. My faith in us died years ago and I really did lose all hope when I left him last September. I LOVE this man but pieces of me died throughout the years of trying to make it work. Those dead pieces don’t just blow away. Like you may have to glue yourself back together or try to grow new skin…whatever the fuck that means. So I did the only thing I could do…is put the old Kingston on pause and try to reevaluate my situation. When trying to make things work…I can only work on me. If I don’t learn to make the Ex Factor the one man in my life (romantically) now…when will I? Stakes are high! We are the two most unlikely people. I’ve tried to fall for others, start over with someone else even if I knew no love could grow there, and I’ve tried running. I’ve ran so much that my track shoes got holes in them! I’m exhausted from trying to get around the problem instead of working through it. But I just don’t want to be vulnerable. I’m self sufficient and am a loner when I want to be. Being alone is my comfort zone (believe it or not). I’ve had many years of being single by choice and single when dating and in love. The worst loneliness is when you love someone and they are just not there for you. That neglect is too much to bare and I’ve been there many times before with the Ex Factor. I’m ashamed to even tell my friends that I’m trying to make it work with him. But truth be told it’s our business and no one else’s. I…think…for me…this is all ego and pride. Old Kingston feels justified in every bad thing she ever did. Old Kingston feels like leaving him many times was her only option because she is no man’s fool. Old Kingston cried about the love she wasn’t receiving from the Ex Factor without considering the kind of love she was giving because it sure wasn’t a patient and kind love. Old Kingston wanted to be done with the Ex Factor in September 2015. Old Kingston is on the “I woman! Hear me roar!” tip without realizing not every moment deserves a roar. Old and new Kingston are terrified of getting hurt. So what I’ve learned is old habits are so hard to die. How do I give more love and understanding without worrying about what I will receive in return? How do I join millions of women (and probably men) and let go of the shame of past mistakes (both of ours). How do I let go of ego and pride? How can I communicate to the Ex Factor (in a healthy way) when Old Kingston is creeping up? How can I forgive myself for being human? How can I forgive myself for loving a man when teenage me swore off love for life? How can I? How can I? How can I ease the pain and not travel with it every where I go? How can I learn not to be a self fulfilling prophecy? How can I let the Ex Factor know I need him without feeling like I’ve lost my independence? How can I love freely and openly? If you recall, when Elijah and I were in trouble…I went to him and boldly told him about Phoenix and the purpose he serves in my life (though I’m sure that chapter is closed and well deserved at that)?! How can I learn that my level of commitment shouldn’t be based on the Ex Factor’s? I will never learn to love AND be faithful to any man if I base my love on how much I thought he was giving me! Why can’t I be like some of my wives friends who make being in love look like strength? Shout out to Willow, Grace, and Toi! How can I stop expecting the Ex Factor to fail me and me expecting to leave him again? How…can…I? Ugh I’m exhausted. ~KJM saying I really do want to do better but my love DNA reads 1st Corinthians ch 13 as if it’s a fairytale and could never be true. How can I embody the healthy love I want to give and receive?