The Vivid Dream (The 2am And Very Personal Version)

I’m having the most vivid dream. I….just jumped out of it to use the bathroom but it’s the most vivid dream I’ve ever had. My immediate family (mother, father, and siblings) AND extended family (sooo many of my uncles are in it and one aunt…p…and my closest cousin and his daughter are in it). My family is supporting me on a night that I could not get through alone. She’s (his mom) hearing my accomplishments through them and looking at pictures and while she’s hesitant about my age…she is smiling. She’s giving me her approval. He’s even in some of the pictures that my sis gave me to show her. Some of his immediate family (siblings) are there too. Yet he’s in the dream indirectly. She says “when I first saw you…you looked so young but then you said you were 37.” And I replied “I just turned 38.” She says… “oh wow!” Yet still smiles. She’s nodding and i am relieved. Then I jump out of this vivid dream. That was the issue….I was afraid she would hate me because I’m older. He is not ready for kids but he wants them for sure! Since I was 5, I knew they would not be part of my life plan. I’m Auntie and i like that! But for him I would have had 3! And not just to please him (not my style). I’m 38 now and I don’t have the desire to have children at all. What if when he’s ready…I can’t? My lack of desire means I won’t poke and prod myself (no judgement here to all the women who tried hard to have a baby…just pointing out here that my lack of desire matches your desire but in the opposite direction) to have a baby. And you have to give a Jamaican man a biological child. So I let him go…not just because he’s an ass that won’t grow up (lol) but because one day when he does…he deserves to have the children he so desired. I love kids and have raised children (most of you know my life story thus far) but I don’t believe they complete a woman. She has to do that for herself. Give herself meaning first and then decide if she wants to biologically (or in any other way) pass that meaning on. So for everyone who thinks it didn’t work out because of the age difference (some of you can go fuck yourselves for the things you have said to me over the last almost decade….yes I remember)…that’s not really the reason. Life is so much deeper than a number. However, things like religion and children are huge dealbreakers that are ingrained in many of us. Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is letting them go. One day…maybe not today…he will thank me. Oh and for those “you may change your mind folks” (I won’t ever say never)….but I’m 38 now and felt this way since I was 5. There isn’t a baby picture alive that makes me want a baby. Love being Auntie. And there was no man before (and if I know my Gemini self)…there will be no man after…that would make even think once about baring his seed. Only one guy did. Just that one. THE EX FACTOR!!! ❤️❤️❤️ That’s why I stayed all those years. He did the unthinkable without ever really knowing it. I don’t believe children nor husbands complete a woman. Never have. Never will. I just was not raised like that and according to my parents…I came out the womb like that. Knowing what I want. I’ve never even checked up on my fertility. Not once. Been on birth control my entire adult life and walk with condoms too. You can get to 38 without ever being pregnant. Just ask me how and I can guide you! Lol. My motto is dick can fall out the sky at ANYTIME (with consent) so I always got to be ready! Lol. ~KJM is dreaming at 2am, Sunday, June 09, 2019. ? #keepingitreal #mysubxonsciousisbusytonight #icriedthroughwritingthis #iamhuman