I find myself wondering what it would have been like if I woke up every day for the last 6 years believing in you…even on the days you failed me. If I took your word that you meant no harm…when your actions say otherwise. If I held on…even when every thing in me wants to let go. Thoughts fill my mind of all our happy times in between our unhappy times. The thing is you never felt I had a reason to be unhappy. You dismissed all my cries and sadness and probably pinned me as some crazy emotional woman…instead of realizing that you brought me to this point. No sense of responsibility for your part in everything. Yes you had a huge role in my walking away…every time…but you also had your part in some of the AMAZING moments we shared. Even now…when I’ve pulled away…my heart misses you. Even now when I’m faced with the fact that you may never be the man I need you to be…there is a temptation to stay…with you. For some people…getting lost in time for love is worth it. I’m just a little too rational for that. My mind rules me almost always. I never learned to believe in any man without proof of his resilience, strength, and faith but Jesus and my Daddy! Though walking away from you has never been easy…even if I was running into the arms of another man. The temptation to stay lost in time with you will always be there. The temptation to love you even when you aren’t loving me…the temptation to steal those happy moments and overlook the sad ones…the temptation to hand you my present without any assurances of the future…the temptation to breathe you…the temptation to need you…and the temptation to walk around as if I’m void of all my senses…remains. It’s the silliest thing…to me…I had no clue the heart was so strong! Even when one’s universe is shattering…the heart keeps beating…keeps wanting…keeps yearning. ~KJM is missing the Ex Factor on Temptation Tuesday.???
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