Knot in my chest. There is a war going on between my subconscious and my conscious. That’s where the knot comes from. I did not know this until I picked up Gary Zukav’s “The Seat Of The Soul” and began reading. The knot…feels like good and evil are fighting for my soul. That’s how deep the weight is on my chest. I fall asleep with it. I awaken with it. The feeling does not quite leave me even if I find moments of peace. According to Gary, I am experiencing the effects of having a “splintered personality.” A splintered personality “struggles with itself; the values, perceptions, and behaviors are not integrated; it is not conscious of all the parts of itself; a splintered personality is frightened and fears aspects of itself that threaten what it seeks AND what it has attained; it experiences circumstances within its life as more powerful than itself; A splintered personality that has a conscious intention to improve its marriage and a stronger, unconscious intention to end it, for example, will feel, after the collapse of its marriage, that despite its efforts, despite even its best efforts, things did not work out as intended. THIS IS NOT SO. They worked out exactly as it intended, BUT, because he or she held conflicting intentions, much turbulence, so to speak, was created in the flow of Light through that person.” Pg. 92 of “The Seat Of The Soul.” Gary believes that a splintered personality can lead to severe physical and emotional pain. Hence the knot in my chest. DEEP! A splintered personality is not a case of indecisiveness. No. Your mind is saying one thing and your heart is saying another. Both have intentions that lie deep within you. My conscious self has no faith in the Ex Factor and I yet my subconscious self does not want to leave him. If I had to be honest, with exception of the first 3 months of us dating (where I had him on a pedestal and he could do no wrong in my eyes), I’ve been splintered since almost the very beginning. From the moment he said he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (at age 20 and I was 29) and the minute some of my female friends and associates pointed out that it would never work and he was just wasting my time…I HAVE BEEN SPLINTERED. My entire life, the odds have always been against me and I never gave up in any other area. But starting Labor Day Weekend 2010, my road to giving up on the strongest romantic love I have ever felt….began. Me thinking in my day to day that I’m trying my hardest. Not understanding that my conscious has given up while my subconscious was still fighting for us. And if I had to guess which intention was the strongest…it would be the intention to leave him because I’ve done it a million times before….with two years being the longest that I physically left. Heart always stayed put though… If Gary is correct, we were doomed at hello. I brought a knife to a gun fight…without even knowing it. I was always taught to make my prayers specific but NO ONE ever taught me to pray on a relationship. NO ONE. It seemed silly at best and a waste of prayers at worst. Now 7 years later, I’ve come full circle….understanding that I am EXHAUSTED from the battle I was not even fighting. I was more like a spectator…just watching my own life! ? Growing up Catholic, Purgatory was a bad place to be. A sinner who was not damned to hell but had not repented. Soul just stuck until it could be “purified” and find its way to God. Wasted time being conflicted. At least, this is the way I understood it. Knowing what I know now and being 7 years in…what can I do now? While my conscious intention to leave him is larger than my subconscious…I want to know how I can change that?! I’m only half way through Gary’s book so I’m turning to you…my readers. While I still feel the knot in my chest…and am still so conflicted…there’s one thing I am sure of…MY MIND, EGO, and PRIDE rule my conscious! We have all been in bed with each other during my 21 years of dating! I don’t fully understand who runs my subconscious but I know my heart is at least part of that foundation. My words and my actions never matched up. I’m all over the place and so is he too but this isn’t about him. It’s about ME. While I think marriages that do not entail abuse and habitual cheating are worth fighting for…where does one first learn those tools to fight? When does the spirit stay put and say even in darkness I will stand by you? Where does it all come from? ~KJM is shocked on Charm School Monday to find out…that I had always been working against myself in the game of love. I am exhausted from being exhausted but not exhausted from truly trying. I…expect him to grow up…I expect him to change. But my fight is greater than him. I have to know and trust that if I am a wife one day…the fight will be in me and I won’t easily walk away when things are not going my way. Yes he has hurt me and yes he is a mess. But that’s his battle to fight. When am I actually going to get in the ring with ONE INTENTION and consciously and subconsciously work towards it? WHEN?! Editor’s Note: Charm School Monday’s bonus blog?