A few years ago, I read about a girl who had walked across her graduation stage carrying a mattress…to represent a dark time in her life. A guy on her campus raped her and never got any punishment for it. The mattress most likely represented the fact that she nor anyone else will not hide from her truth. It was devastating to read her story but I could not help but admire her courage. Two of her friends helped her carry that mattress. There she was…with her degree in one hand and the mattress in the other. We could all feel her story at that moment in time and none of us…including her rapist…could hide from it! ?? Praise Jesus! I hope her healing has continued because whether she knew it or not…what she did was brave and inspirational. When I initially think of stories involving a mattress…I think of SHAME! But this young woman turned shame into strength and she did it for herself and other victims of rape and sexual assault. She made sure her story was not forgotten. While my story is not as deep nor similar to why the mattress was originally carried (won’t ever take away from her pain and her glory in overcoming it)…I am picking up my mattress and taking a page out of her book. My MATTRESS initially represented something that someone took from me that I either can never get back or I will have to fight my entire life to get back. I AM SO ASHAMED. So much so that I thought about not sharing this story until I was healed from it. But I want you all to feel my RAW emotions and you can only do that if….you stand in time with me. You must breathe the filth with me. Hurt with me as I stand in the stench that lies on top of me. Early Sunday morning, I got into it badly with the Ex Factor via phone. It’s like all the shit I have been holding in…wanted to be free. My love/hate for him had boiled over. I’ve been telling him for months that I’m starting to fall out of love. His response before use to be that he’s going to try to make me happy but his response as of April was that he was never in love. Boy that hit me hard. 7 years of me being down with him through the highs and lows and all I was to him was a mattress. A fucking mattress! ?When I suggested that we become platonic friends in April (not my first time suggesting it) he finally agreed and then hit me with the he was never in love. Like why do that if I’m asking to be friends? Why hurt me more by making it very difficult for me to see him in a good light? Sunday’s argument ensued because I called the Ex Factor a liar. I wanted him to admit he lied about ever loving and caring about me. Instead of “maning up”, he punked out saying that feelings change. Of course they do, but love does not (true love) go away in a month. In February you loved and cared for me and now you were never in you? He fucking lied! He and I know it. It’s either he’s lying now to hurt me or he was lying then to keep me. But a lie is a lie is a lie. My conversations with him have been very consistent. Only my love for him kept me taking him back. In all the times we split, I never looked him up. He finds me. No matter what state I live in. Even when I broke things off with Elijah, April 1st of last year, I never went looking for the Ex Factor. He came and found me at the end of May…right before my birthday. And he dropped the L word…I never ever asked him to. And though I tried to not be persuaded by it…I ended up taking him back. My love for him was just that strong! ? But the thing that left me beyond hurt is even when he was talking crazy…I never hit below the belt and I let him have the last word. Even though he put so many “lols” in his messages…he disrespected me to the fullest and then had the fucking nerve to ask me if I still wanted to keep seeing him?! Let me be clear about something…I have not seen the Ex Factor since mid March by choice. He has not been to my new apartment. I wanted to save the friendship and did not want to shake things up while my family was going through an emergency but I knew I was leaving him. I asked the Ex Factor to stand by me (from afar), until all the chaos settled and when it did…I let him know he could go. But he hung around on his own accord like a parasite. I did love this man with my all and he clearly did not appreciate it but I thought we could end peacefully and somewhat cordially. The way he was talking…I could tell he had no respect for me and that he felt I had low self esteem to be dealing with him. Generally, I do not suffer from low self esteem but like many strong women…I got strong by making many wrongs turns and finding my strength through each turn. I settled for less…yes I did but I called it unconditional love! That part I am not ashamed of because I never thought I could unconditionally love someone romantically… ? And I am sure a part of me always will love some part of him. ? As he was ripping me apart…I uncovered MY MATTRESS. SHAME, SELF DOUBT, and INSECURITIES were in it. I failed myself in so many different ways and I’m still so ashamed of it. That’s where my anger comes from. I let him degrade me on the phone because I’ve learned that when someone hurts someone that loves them…karma will have their ass! Julio is proof of that. But I’m definitely going to tell MY truth in my blog! You hurt me yes you did. All I ever tried to do was love you but as you signal that you are unloveable…I decided to finally believe you. And so I let him have the last words as I picked up my mattress of shame, self doubt, and insecurities and moved on. When people lose respect for each other…there’s no going back. My parents taught me that. So I walk away with my mattress and I try not to let those times he walked all over me affect the core of who I am as a person. “I still believe in miracles and love is a miracle.” ?? For the right man…I will never be too much of anything. So here’s to…awaiting BOAZ. Hoping that he himself is healed from all past hurts as I prepare myself for him. ? ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. AUTHOR’S NOTE: when I first wrote this blog…it was filled with the Ex Factor’s inadequacies but I revised it for I am better than that. He is still someone I care about and even if he does not treat me respectfully…I will rise above it. PUBLIC SERVICE NOTE: If Elijah, Julio, or any other deadbeat narcissist from my past or near future is reading this…things did not work out with the Ex Factor but I still don’t want you! Please do not contact me ever! ✌?
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