“But when will you get married? When will you have children?!” The first time someone ever said those words to me was in October 2010 and I remember who said it to me. I was 29 years old and had been dating the then 20 year old Ex Factor for four months. We had survived our first argument and decided to stay together. He was in upstate New York for the Halloween weekend and I was in Pittsburgh celebrating my best friend, Zack’s marriage to the love of his life. While fears of losing Zack to marriage filled my mind, my college friend hit me with these questions. And they stung like hell. Like I can tell you exactly where we were standing. And it’s like all the air left my body. She did not know me well enough to know that before the Ex Factor, I never wanted to get married and have children. Even now…I can see us together for 25 years (maybe still not married)…with three children…and living our lives like 1960s hippies minus the weed smoking and the free love. ? Relaxed. Less structured. And fucking unconventionally happy. Because…like that’s the only way I can do this forever thing. Ease into it. Being myself. With the love of my life. That’s the only way I can do it. Yet those words stung. I know my friend meant well…but she did hurt my feelings. It is always on the tip of my tongue to tell her that 7 years later…the Ex Factor and I are still fighting for each other. ? But I just want to live my best life without proving anything to anyone. If this blog highlights anything…I hope it is the message that my imperfections are my strengths and my crazy lifestyle is made just for me. Complaints and all…I envy no ones life. For no one is me. Nor can be me. Matter of fact…the only other real Alpha Females I know are Harmony and Lioness. Nicole is also a leader but she’s the only wife out of all of us…so she knows how to balance those Alpha Female traits by softening them a bit. The rest of us struggle with not being so dominant but I think I’m the closest to crossing over out of Lioness, Harmony, and I. The Ex Factor is my game changer. He challenges me to madness. But this isn’t really about him. Those words my friend spoke hurt like hell and it is as if the universe heard her and continued to echo those thoughts. “When will you have children?” “You need to have at least one or you will regret it!” “He will always want someone younger and where will you be then?” “Have a baby now!” “Well you still have 14 years because Janet Jackson had one at 50!” As if I got her money or want my sealed up womb to be invaded near my retirement age. ? And the questions and comments just kept coming. Why can’t women be kind to other women? Why must we make everything about our fertility? Society already limits us once we get to a certain age but why are we endorsing that we limit ourselves?! And then there’s the guilt I feel when I hear some of my friends’ fertility issues. I feel guilty for never trying to nor being open to getting pregnant and I have no idea what my fertility odds are. Nor do I have a need to find out. The Ex Factor and I recently spoke about the topic. Neither one of us are ready for children. He’s got time and I don’t…the universe whispers. And I stop dead in my tracks. I feel guilty because I can’t identify with wanting a baby. It’s a conversation I get lost in. I pray for all of my friends and associates that are struggling to conceive…most of which are younger than me. I feel guilty but when I lay down at night and I ask myself what are my deepest desires…a baby is not one. Yes…I feel guilty. I love all my nieces and nephews yet never want to trade places with my sisters and brothers. Motherhood is rough…especially if you have to do it by yourself. I know it’s filled with doubts, depression, and heartaches. I also know there’s another side filled with joy. But so many speak of this joy openly while hiding the pains to please society. It is great that having a baby is the best thing that happened to you but don’t assume it will be the best thing to ever happen to me. I highly doubt it! I have a few friends that never wanted children but accidentally had one. They are excellent mothers but I can tell you that motherhood is not their life’s joy and there’s nothing wrong with that! Each woman is unique and has unique desires, wants, and needs. What makes one of us happy may make another clinically or situationally depressed! We have to learn to be kinder to one another and to support each other on our differences! Then another thought pops into my mind as the universe whispers again. ‘And what if they were all right and we get ready to conceive and I can’t?’ And I answer… then let God handle it. ?? I pray the Ex Factor wouldn’t leave me because of that and that we would still walk in love together. Plus…sometimes it’s the man’s sperm that’s causing the fertility issue. It’s not always us. But we wear the scars as our bodies naturally abort our babies. ? And what if they were all right? What if I regret waiting so long? Is it not my and only my regret to have? I can live with that. ~KJM getting deep on Flashback Friday. Today’s blog was inspired by the actress, Gabrielle Union, recently coming out and admitting she has had 8 or 9 miscarriages. She never wanted children and now she does. Let’s lift our sister up in prayer and not judge her for not having the initial desire. She is her own woman and it is already written what God has in store for her. Peace, love, and blessings to you Gabrielle ?
Interesting. Thanks for sharing!
I applaud you for living your life according to your dreams and hopes. I’m sure your friend meant well, but we can not worry about what other people think or the words that come out of their mouth’s.