In college, I read Maya Angelou’s “The Heart Of A Woman.” It was an autobiography of her life and it shocked the hell out of me! Our dear strong Maya struggled with low self esteem and bad relationships as a result. As life handed her disappointment after disappointment, she found her voice and became the voice of strength for many generations to come. ?? I don’t know about you but from reading Maya’s works and listening to her speeches…I could not picture her having a moment of self doubt. Perhaps that’s why she is still so relevant and inspirational present day! Her voice speaks of wisdom…the wisdom to turn dark corners and find self love. If our sista Maya could be lost at times….I don’t know how the hell I grew up thinking I was Superwoman! Yes little young minded me! ? I grew up seeing the women on both sides of my family continuously beaten and cheated on and remember thinking I WILL BE STRONGER THAN THEM! ?? And yes they did make me stronger in so many ways. (1) For example, I guard my womb like the secret service guarded President Obama. And I love my womb like our President loves his wife, Michelle! ?? I always say that if it’s just you…you can afford to make a million mistakes but when you have children (no matter what age you have them) you have to grow the fuck up immediately and the shit you use to do you just can’t do anymore! With raising children, you don’t get a billion years to find yourself! You better just get right…quick! And yes mistakes will still be made but they bet not be the rookie mistakes you made when it was just you! ? That’s what I have always told myself. So by myself, my heart is open to almost any Tom Foolery but my womb is NOT for sale! For my womb, I have to be as sure as I can be of who their father is. And I may still fuck up but my womb will know that I WAITED and I tried my best to find the most worthy seeds and CHOSE to allow them to be planted in me…to give my children life! ?To date, the only time I truly thought of opening up my womb was to the Ex Factor (for how ever many kids he wanted) but I never did let him plant there. We needed to do way better than what we have been doing for that to happen. I needed to trust that he would be there for us. (2) I am also stronger in my career for I am growing it while it’s still just me! So I can pull 90 hour work weeks without feeling guilty because it’s just me…on my grind! ?? (3) And I am stronger in self love…even with all my mistakes…because I planned my entire life solo since I was 5. I do almost everything by myself (BY CHOICE)…from vacations to going to the movies/dinner to moving to different states and setting up shop! I love spending time with myself. Never been boy crazy…don’t think I have it in me. But even with all of those strengths, I still have the heart of a woman…a confused woman. I still get hurt. I still get disrespected (though my retaliation is typically sick) and I still fall in love with the wrong fucking guy! ??? I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! Not even close to. I am a bad ass in my own right…got plans of living in a big house with my six dogs from here to eternity…while the women in my family look at me like I’m crazy! Lol. If a GOOD man comes along great but if he doesn’t….I will still be doing me. This is what I’ve reflected on as the shit hit the fan with the Ex Factor and I. I dated him during my highest child birthing years 29-35 and did not get shit out of it. However, I never wanted children until I looked into his eyes so if there was no him…I am almost certain the only responsibility I may have now…is maybe a dog. ? No one knows what the future holds but as 36 is slowly approaching (this month), I have to remind myself that I did not waste my life these last 7 years. I fought hard for love and it just did not pan out. This heart of a woman is just so grateful that I could even love like that! ?? ~KJM is in the healing process on this Throwback Thursday!
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