The Great Pretender

I got dressed in a nice outfit. Not unusual for me but important on this particular day. I wore a black, white, and gray dress with bright red lipstick. Lady Balls from TooFaced Cosmetics to be exact. It had become my go to “I’m gonna kick some ass today” lipstick. Some of the ladies at work wore red but I did not want to draw too much attention to myself so I only let a hint of red trail on my lips. Just enough that folks would think I had plans…that I surely wanted no one to ask me about. I sashayed through the day. Smiling and pretending it was a good day. It was not a good day. Not just because it was Valentines Day but because my work week had been so intense. I had barely been sleeping and exhaustion had creeped in and made a home in my mind and body. I still feel this way. At the end of my work day, I got up and smiled as one of my coworkers begged me to watch at least the first episode of “Love Is Blind” on Netflix. Shit…I still need to do that. I responded that I would try to squeeze it into my weekend…a weekend I knew damn well I had planned to do nothing but lay on my couch. One of the good things about my relationship with myself is I am very aware when I need to slow down and be present for myself. I know when I need to just be there for myself even if I am still barely sleeping. Anyways, I exit the room with a smile on my face and wished everyone a great weekend. I was OUT of the danger zone now and I can just be by myself. To be clear, this wasn’t really about Valentines Day. I’ve celebrated big with some guys and celebrated it small with others. Or celebrated it with friends and family. Or not celebrated it at all. Cannot even remember what the hell I did on that day last year. I think I worked and ordered myself some red velvet cookies from “Insomnia Cookies” to take home. Simple and to the point if memory serves me correct. The one I experienced with Elijah, I did not spend it with him. Instead, I lounge hopped in NYC with my sister and cousin. It was nothing personal, I was just buying some time until I broke up with him. Any year I’m not seeing the Ex Factor it is never a big deal for me. My rule is…as long as I don’t have feelings for anyone currently in my life….the day can be acknowledged or not. As a little girl, my dad always brought home flowers for my mom, sister, and I. He would try to find some small gift to give my brother too. But that’s my dad. For him, having children means celebrating just about everything. Ironically, my mom is the opposite. Growing up in severe poverty, I think, taught her how not to rely on capitalistic holidays. What freedom. Yet the defense mechanisms that I am using on this very Valentines Day….I learned from my mother. Stay beautiful on the outside, compartmentalize at work and kick ass, and never let anyone see your pain. But all that wisdom did not come from holidays…it came from being married to my father for almost 37 years! I really need to give her more credit for all the shit she beautifully survived and thrived through. I am not sure if I could have done any of it. Hell…I know I could not have done…none of it. This is the main reason why I don’t have children. Just like to suffer in silence by myself and not bring them down with me. But I digress. I was finally home. Thought I would have the energy to pop popcorn and make cookies but instead I just clung to my couch. He never acknowledged the day. In past years we either celebrated together or he would at least send a text. The only times we did not acknowledge the day is if we were not speaking. So I waited for that text and it just never came. It’s the small things that make me happy. My favorite Valentines with the Ex Factor…well I don’t know if I have a favorite but there were times he tried. A couple years ago, I requested Valentines Day as the one day a year I wanted him to reserve for me. And my perfect day with him would have been us watching a movie on tv…like we did with “Forest Gump” a couple months ago. That would have made me happy. He said no because that was a day for serious couples like his parents….as if we had not celebrated it many times before. Hell we’ve even celebrated Mother’s Day weekend and I am not a mother!!!!! What the fuck?! I still remember that moment. It was one of those where I should have permanently ran away from his damaged self. And it still stings. This year a text just saying “Happy Valentines Day” would have made me happy. It…is just….the small things that make me happy because I always do the big things for MYSELF. Amen for that. Learned that from my mama too! Don’t let anybody celebrate you bigger than you do yourself!!!! Cause all you got for sure is your damn self!!!! It takes so little to please me yet he always ends up failing me. Matter of fact….him and Julio got that in common. Sometimes I think I stayed the longest with them because I know they are non violent men. When you grow up around a lot of violent men…you are either drawn to them or very keen to staying away from them. Crazy from college was the closest I ever came to a controlling and violent man. Though he never hit me and he was never able to control me but if there was one of “my men” that I guessed could be violent to a woman…it would be him! I was lucky I got out of that situation okay. Yet both Julio and the Ex Factor have some very manipulative ways and are emotionally abusive. But I never let them stop my shine. Neither of them have ever been the focus of my life…no man has been unless you consider God, my Daddy, and my baby brother, Junior. I learned that shit from my mama too. Make a man your world and he just may bring your ass down. My mama had survived a lot of abuse at the hands of her family and my father….so in this area….I heeded her advice because she had lived in dark places that I have never dared to vacation in. And my God she is still beautifully standing!!!! God is good all the time. Back to me. I am the great pretender. Everyone always thinks I have it so easy because I am beautiful, smart, hardworking, a solo traveler, and a beast when it comes to making myself my FIRST priority. So many women want that freedom but there is a price to pay. Sometimes we free lionesses are roaming the earth pretending at times to protect ourselves from danger and hurt. But when we are home…we can no longer pretend. It is just me. It has been for most of my adult dating life. ~KJM is the great pretender on Serenity Sunday. This was my rehash of Valentines Day 2020. Fuck it all. There’s more to life than this. More to life than setting low expectations….only to realize that some folks cannot be there for you because they probably set such low standards for themselves. 🤷🏽‍♀️