We have all done it at one time or another…feeling ourselves floating away…unable to put a stop to this uncontrollable movement. I feel myself slipping away and there’s not much I can do about it. It’s not from the lack of trying. I try and try to control the situation but the weight of it all is just too much for me. So I continue to slip away…everything blurred. No views of beauty. Only the weight of deep sadness. The depths of that sadness makes being numb seem tempting. But after our awakening…we said we would never become numb again. I don’t want to ever not feel again. But here I am…in pain. And the worst part is this is all happening because I left someone else in charge of my own happiness. Besides the hell that is work right now and the hurt I have felt from the Ex Factor…I love my life. Love my body, my mind, my apartment, my friends, my family, and my travels. I LOVE. That may be what brought me to this point. I LOVE while he remains numb. Days without him, I feel relieved. Until…that is…I am reminded of the weight on my shoulders. The things that I am unable to control. The things I carry with me to bed at night. The things I whisper to myself that I do not dare share with anyone else…not even you…my readers. So I feel myself floating away…disappearing. Becoming one of those weak minded people that let’s another being darken their existence. That’s how I feel. Weak. Even with all the books that I’ve read and with Nicole reminding me that “love is not for the weak”…I am still lost. To be honest, my ending with Julio was the best (for me). I may have cried for 3.5 months in summer 2007 but my last words and actions to him were of love. It haunts him and nothing haunts me. I loved and it didn’t work out but I never let ego and pride hide that I loved. It was the perfect heartbreaking ending. I stood in love. And then I let go. Julio made his choice on his own. That choice haunts him. I…am not haunted. But this is not easy to achieve with the Ex Factor. My pride says fuck him. He does not deserve love. But I love. And my conscious and subconscious intentions battle each other. So I float away. Disappearing into a world of pain…. ~KJM on Hump Day. Ever felt this way? Stay tuned because I do believe that the tides are turning. I LOVE and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I LOVE….
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