When I woke up this morning…I was so sure that I knew what I wanted to share with you today. In this current moment, however, I hesitate…because it’s something I have alluded to but now that it’s before me…I have to deal with it and I just don’t want to. Yesterday, I got so upset with the Ex Factor for going to the gym (like he usually does) instead of carving out some quality time for me. In the midst of me cussing him out and making myself tear up (publicly?)…I forgot to remind myself that when I went off to Vegas, I had promised myself that I would be done with him! After all…the “Sleeping Penetration” incident still had me frustrated. ? In the throws of my tantrum, I contacted Nicole, one of the few friends (married) I have that will hit me with the ugliest truth. I complained to her and asked her a series of questions. Like do I suffer from low self esteem and just don’t know it?! ? Nicole’s answer after she asked me some follow up questions was stone cold truth…she said “No but you are not good at relationships. LOVE IS TOUGH!” ?? Nicole reminded me that I was great at friendship and that’s a good place to start when trying to sort out my personal life. ?? I’m always there for my friends and I often easily forgive them for things…not holding grudges. Why could I not do that in my personal life?! Make no bones about it…the Ex Factor is a piece of fucking work! No one is making excuses for him but my growth is not measured by what the Ex Factor does…it’s based on the lessons I learn, lessons I apply, and how far I am willing to get out of my comfort zone to achieve the life I want! ?? So many folks have told me to leave the Ex Factor (and I completely fucking agree and I have many times!) but they miss that we are toxic to each other…it’s not just him. I am by far no weak woman! I come for him and I’m slick with my mouth. Probably snipped off his balls so many times in the last 9 months that I’m not sure what’s under his dick and lawd knows I barely have been attending to down there in the last year so I really have no clue about that area. lol. It’s a mystery to me though I know it’s the best place to attack. But I digress. ? Nicole mistakenly thought sex connected me and the Ex Factor. ✌? I am one of the few women I know that cannot fall nor stay in love through sex. Crazy, from my college days, taught me that. I was dick whipped for once in my life and never truly fell in love. After Crazy…I was never dick whipped ever again and almost love proof! ??Most of my sexual experiences have been made up of me having sex that does not involve love. I can hear Harmony on the West Coast getting up and clapping! She and I are two of a kind. ?Through the “Sleeping Penetration” episode…I could have been on the moon and back and the Ex Factor would have been none the wiser. Sex, for me, does not connect us. I actually think it brings us further apart. I…feel…nothing. It’s been like this for at least the last two years except for on two occasions: our birthdays last year. Other than that…I am more connected to eating a slice of Linda’s fudge cake from the Cheesecake Factory with whipped creme than having sex with the Ex Factor or any other man for that matter… So what connects me to this toxic cycle? It took me a while but then I figured it out….PAIN and LACK OF FORGIVENESS! If I hold over his head the things I told him I have forgiven him for…we stay connected. I have tried to forgive but just can’t. Shit from 2010 until now…I cuss him out for. Hence yesterday’s disagreement. I wasn’t pissed about him going to the gym like he always does…I was pissed for all the times over the 7 years that I felt abandoned and neglected by him! ? It gets better…y’all stay with me on this. If I say something hurtful, I demand forgiveness and he gives it but if he does….I damn him to all damnation. Run his name out in these streets and remind him that he ain’t shit! ? Because we as women have been taught that if a man says something you better believe it and take it as law…I saw no need to forgive. He made his law by opening up his mouth and any words shall be used against him in the Court of Kingston! ?? A man is not entitled to be in his feelings because that’s a female trait! He should have no feelings! And he certainly should not make any mistakes. These are the things I tell myself at night before I go to bed. It’s like I like mentally torturing myself. As I continue my conversation with Nicole, she tells me that she cannot tell me what to do…all she can do is listen. Truth be told…that’s all I needed…a listening ear that wasn’t tired of hearing my same complaints. ? That’s when I confessed something to Nicole…something that maybe you (my readers) have picked up on. In my 21 years of dating…I’ve never stayed more than 3 months with any guy without needing a break! THREE MONTHS! That’s generally how often I need to take a vacation to clear my mind. If I can’t take a vacation or go on a road trip every three months…I start to lose my mind. I feel trapped and unhappy. The only exceptions to this 3 month rule are (1) the 7 torturous months I spent with Elijah and this last year with the Ex Factor. In the Elijah relationship, I purposely tried to hang in there knowing I wasn’t feeling it. I mean he could commit…as long as I did commitment his way! ??I did not love him though I tried hard to convince myself I did when he dropped the L word. But…I…was…always…somewhere else mentally especially after that rip in my asshole incident! ✌? I hung in there not because Elijah was special but because I knew I had an issue with commitment and I was trying to conquer it! ? I scream commitment but I’ve never ever done it. You see the Ex Factor and I are of the same flesh. Matter fact over half of my married male and female friends I disagreed on who they were marrying (silently of course). Stuff had happened in their dating stages that I just knew I could never get over. Ironically, most of them are happily married…flaws and all. And most of their spouses are like sisters and brothers to me. Great flawed human beings. But because I don’t get over hurt easily….I would have given up on a potentially great husband! ? I’ve said this before…I could have been married 3 times to 3 different guys but was not in love with them and pretty sure they did not really KNOW me and my family history well. My parents have been unhappily married for almost 34 years! Both spent a great amount of time leaving the other and neither wanted to work it out at the same time the other did. Not to mention…NEITHER OF THEM HAVE EVER FORGIVEN EACH OTHER FOR SHIT! ? Often times when we try to gather as a family…my father will bring up 1979 (year before he met my mother and wished life would have stayed that way…never meeting my mom…that is except he does not regret having us kids) and my mother still brings up every mistake my dad ever made since they have known each other. ??? I roll my eyes so much when they start talking….not realizing I too am stuck in 2010 (the year I wish I had never met the Ex Factor) and still bring up all the fuckery from 2010 until now! ? I don’t know how to work through stuff romantically and I damn sure don’t forgive in that area either! ? Nicole told me to start with what I’m good at…friendship…and to remember LOVE IS TOUGH! I have so much more work to do on myself. Even if I left the Ex Factor tomorrow…I would be the same person doing the same shit. I don’t know why 3 months…why I leave within three months…even if I’m dating a great guy like my college boo, the football player. It’s like I woke up one day saying…we were way too happy and now it’s time to fuck it up! Funny thing is I work through friendships even if I shut down for a while. I see them through consistently until I realize that we are better friends for what happened or I realize that what is broken cannot be fixed! Besides my immediate family, my childhood bffs, Jessica (known her since we were 5) and Zack, met him the first day of college at the Great Pennsylvania State University on the bench in front of Fenske Lab, are the only two life long friends I have. To both of them I pledged that we don’t separate…we don’t say goodbye…for we are forever connected. Even when Jessica had her aneurysm and Zack got married and started a family…I’ve kept that promise to them because you don’t walk away from people you truly love in a forever kind of way. That’s unique to me. Every time I cut a friend off I’ve had for over a decade and change (with good reason)…Zack gets worried because things are changing yet I always remind him that he and I are forever. No matter what happens…forever. Everyone else is replaceable. If only I could love romantically that way. Both Jessica and I….and Zack and I have only had one major fight and once we got over that hump…we never fought again. Reason being…I love them just as they are…flaws and all. 31 years of friendship with Jessica and 18 years of friendship with Zack. And counting?? These are my confessions. ~KJM on Temptation Tuesday. I know I am a lot to handle but please stick with me on my journey. I think there’s something so beautiful on the other side. ?
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