The Betrayal

Recently, I have been dealing with being betrayed by people I deeply love. This is occurring on all levels of life…family…friends…etc. I think the hardest part of it is trying to figure out if or when to walk away from it. With family, this is particularly hard. You share blood. What do you even say to someone who has disappointed you so badly that no words can ever describe the pain they have directly or indirectly inflicted upon you? The time is coming soon. I will have to find those words. Exhausted. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. There are times I am too tired to cry. Never did I think in a million years that I would be in this position. It is like someone has stole all of my joy. And I am frozen in a very painful moment. Frozen. That is something the Gemini resents. I am the master of my own destiny. I should be able to free myself of such hurts. Yet not even the thought of traveling in the future can bring me joy. It is like someone burned down my house. And I am standing there…dazed and confused with the ashes. I am left with the awful task of picking up the pieces. And I just do not know how to. Not this time. Not this time. It is a personal hell many of us live in…the hell of putting the ashes back together. First off, you have to decide whether you cut and run or you stay and fight. On all levels, I am unsure. There is a part of me that thinks when you love someone (especially family), if their ship is sinking…you start to play the violin…as if you are both on the titanic. Then there is another part of me that thinks of self preservation. What becomes of the violinist on a sinking ship that does not even try to save herself? Is that not suicide? But a worse kind…for the violinist is dying because of someone else’s mistake. Someone who should have factored in the pain their mistake would cause their family and friends. Self preservation. I yearn for it. On a family level, I am playing the violin (so far). On friends and lover levels…I am jumping in the water…seeking the shore. It has all been too much. They clearly call it betrayal because we do not see it coming. This house was meant to stand. Had no clue the foundation was not solid. No matter what I choose, forgiveness has to be part of the process. But where to begin when I am frozen? Let peace and love move me…no matter the decisions I make. Nothing is clear except that I have, in fact, been betrayed by love. ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Are any of you at a crossroads? Let me know how you are dealing with it. Be blessed in all you do. ?