The 5th book in what has now become my Spring Reading Series was “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman. I HIGHLY recommend this book whether you are married, dating, or just looking to improve your next relationship (that has not occurred yet) from the jump (like me). ?? I wish I had read this book 7 years ago but better late than never! ?? I learned that my love language is Quality Time and I think the Ex Factor’s love language is Words of Affirmation. Doesn’t help that I spent the last nine months telling him he wasn’t shit. ??? And he took away my quality time around the same time. Subconsciously we learned each other’s love languages and used them against one another. ? Don’t worry…Gary got me straight now! ?? As I read each chapter, I learned that (1) we develop our primary love language as children, (2) our primary love language does not ever change though another love language could become more important at certain parts of our lives…but only our primary can completely full our love tanks, (3) couples rarely have the same love language, (4) even if they do, they will most likely speak different dialects, and (5) we sometimes have secondary love languages. Wow! Did you get all of that?! Those are the major lessons I learned from this book. Gary points out that many of us show love through our love language and this explains why there is sometimes a disconnect with us and our partners. He tells us that we must learn to speak our partner’s love language even if it makes us uncomfortable (not abusive though) or it is not easy to do because giving love is just as important as receiving it! And we must not manipulate our spouses through the love languages! ?? The chapter that spoke to me the most was how do we love our spouse when we dislike or hate them! This chapter was everything! I’ve gotten to the point where I barely like looking in the Ex Factor’s direction! And that “Sleeping Penetration” episode he pulled before I left for Vegas did not help! ? I mean if sex goes…what is left?! Not much. So I sat with Gary’s book on my flight back to the East Coast and realized that I believe in love, this book is genius, and I believe in fighting for a marriage as long as there isn’t abuse or infidelities (continuous) involved. But I think Gary’s advice does not apply to the Ex Factor and I’s situationship. I’m not sure if I would even apply his advice to a boyfriend…though it dawns on me that most husbands were boyfriends first! ? As I try to seep through my mess, page by page, I did not just focus on my empty love tank but I became ashamed of the way I’ve been speaking to the Ex Factor. Yes he has not been good to me but I sure would feel better walking away knowing that I was always good to him. In many ways I have been good to him and loved him the best I could…but these last 9 months man…I’ve become my parents to each other…verbally abusive! And that’s a tough fucking pill to swallow! ? I am not that woman. When Julio and I split for good in May 2007…I was crying on the phone and the last thing I said to him was “we were suppose to get married and have children like you always wanted.” In that moment, I was asking Julio to be patient with me and have faith in our love. But he decided against it. To this day…he lives with that regret…NOT ME! Because I walked away with my heart open and speaking of love. That’s the type of ending I had hoped for with the Ex Factor and I. Instead I’m left with that bitter taste in my mouth…the taste of the poison we had poured into each other over the last two years! ? That’s the thing about the 5 Love Languages….if you are really reading with an open mind, body, and soul…your focus will be more on giving love than receiving it. We can all work on loving others better! What’s your love language? ~KJM on Charm School Monday. Next up on my Spring Reading list (6th book) is “Seat Of The Soul” by Gary Zukav. This one looks like it’s going to be deep!
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