I have written several blogs on taking responsibility for my own happiness. This one has the same theme but from another viewpoint. Yesterday, I briefly spoke with the Ex Factor. I contacted him after asking for some space a week ago. Needed time to think. Needed time to clear my mind. I do not agree with a lot of things he says and does but two things I cannot deny: 1. He has been trying very hard these last couple of months to make me happy and 2. Being with him now (and for the last couple of years) has been my choice. With that being said, I needed some serious ME time to regroup. I blew up my own house when I was all smiles and did so unapologetically. ? Yes his lack of serious commitment to me is selfish but it is also true that he isn’t forcing me to stay. I mean…he’s made it clear that he would like me to stop pressuring him and stay in this moment with him but he isn’t holding me hostage! My big issue is with forgiveness! I struggle with how long I have loved him and turned up with very little in return. Most folks say GET OUT and RUN but truth be told many say that because they believe I am wasting my childbearing years on him. If we had children and/or were married, I promise many would be singing a different tune and I would be called the selfish one for always wanting a break. Our situation is toxic at times but name one couple together for more than 5 years that never entered dark phases in their relationship? The only folks I can think of are still in the “newlywed” phase and have no clue what long term looks like yet. The funny thing with me is I’m not sure about marriage and children. I have said that from the beginning. I see what a serious commitment takes and some of it I frown upon. I know folks who have their heads so far up their husbands or wives’ asses that they have lost friendships and even family. Even more tragic…they have lost themselves. ? Everything is just about their spouse. That’s fucking scary to me. If anything ever went wrong, they have now isolated themselves from the support systems they have had for most of their lives! ✌?When I see men doing this…I find it to be so odd. Society does not require them to lose their identity to be married but unfortunately us women are expected to. I have friends that I use to consider brothers and sisters that are now strangers to me. They only know about my life by reading my blog! ? And since I’m cracking down on continuously supporting people who no longer support me…I now keep them on the surface as associates! ✌?Now that’s not to say I don’t have some married or long term commitment friends who do a great balance of embracing their spouse while maintaining their own identity but they are really far, few, and in between. Shout out to them for giving me hope! ?? I do not want the Ex Factor nor any other man to be my sole source of happiness. Brings me to another point….I’m fighting with the Ex Factor to do something we both feel is unnatural…being each other’s all! ? I mean his ass can always do more but I can also let go of the fucking past and appreciate how many obstacles we have overcome. Now I know some of you are reading this and are thinking I’m seriously smoking some shit by thinking about continuing this situationship (I actually haven’t made a decision yet) but hear me out. What your goals are and what mine are…may be different. The fact that I’m open to having children but they aren’t a must already puts me at odds with 99% of the women on this earth. I’m in the minority…I get it. If I was sure…this would be different. Leaving would be easier and make good sense but I’m almost positive neither marriage nor children are for me. The side of me that does not want to be a mother is stronger than any side the Ex Factor awakened to motherhood. And what if one day he wants children and I’m too old to have them? We have to cross that bridge when we get there. Many people got married thinking it was forever and got divorced. Some thought children were always in the cards and they weren’t. All we can do is deal with what’s right in front of us NOW. I have to let the weight of my age go. I look fucking amazing for my age! Also, I am so proud of the life I live. It’s just for ME. ?? That was always my plan. To travel, to explore, and it be just me. That was the original plan. So knowing all of this…I have to ask myself if I can do without having the types of relationships I see around me? Can I stay emotionally independent? Can I accept responsibility for all the risks I’m taking? Can I stop with the blame game for my own unhappiness? If we are having a good moment…we should just enjoy that moment. Can I fall in love again with myself and my life and not make it all about where the Ex Factor and I are not going? Can I do these things? Because if not (and I stay)….I am now responsible for every tear I cry and all the heartache I feel. If I’m standing by him…by us…then I can’t complain he is wasting my time. Three and a half months into dating, he wasted my time by not being upfront about not wanting anything serious but after that I knew and I stayed anyways. And even the two years I left and moved to Richmond, the Ex Factor was in my heart. I have been choosing him for years….knowing his limitations. Is it fair to me? NO! But neither is me staying and pressuring him to be serious before he’s ready to. Truth be told, I love my freedom. I love kicking it with Harmony when I feel like it without being worried about a man. I like loving him but still being ME. And check it…I love my maiden name!!!! I am in no rush to tag a man’s name behind that bad boy…if ever. ?? There’s so much about how I’m living my life that I love. I just want to feel somewhat normal but we aren’t ever going to be normal! That’s our truth! I think the Ex Factor loves me in his own way. The fact that he doesn’t ever ask for a break speaks volumes but we both acknowledge that I currently want more than he can give. Lots to think about here but the one thing I’m clear on is…I would only do even a semi form of commitment for LOVE. No other man would get all these chances and all this understanding. And I am not the kind of woman that would be satisfied with just any man that can commit…especially if I am not attracted to him. Maybe I am breaking my own heart but I never even knew I had one until I met the Ex Factor. Everything before was just puppy love. Not a love that has gone through hardships and is still going… ~KJM on Throwback Thursday. Shout out to all my friends and family who have listened to me whine and complain about this issue for years: My brother, Junior, and my sister, Brenda and my friends: Grace, Nicole, Lioness, and Harmony. Love you guys like some good stew peas and rice! Thanks for supporting me/us. ?
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