We are now in full swing of the podcast series and I hope you are loving the episodes and are sharing each of them on your social networks! As you have probably figured out by now…I drop a new episode every Tuesday until it’s time to take a break for the holidays! Your feedback is appreciated and wanted so please show your support for my talented friends/performers: Alexis Skyy, Scarlet, Grace, Lioness, and Toi from ToiTime! It’s not easy to do what these ladies are doing and it’s nothing short of…magic! Now to why we are gathered here today….let’s get into a bad habit many of us have…sabotaging our own happiness!? Remember last Friday when I was in the NOOK with the Ex Factor? Well by Monday I found myself out of the Nook and in some dirty alleyway with all my trash and crying! How the hell did I get there?! To be honest…I don’t fucking know! But there I was…laying with all my baggage and guess who PUSHED herself out of the Nook?! Yea…that’s right…ME! ? Now I’m not saying the Ex Factor doesn’t have a lot of work to do on himself but I can only address more openly and honestly…the work I have to do on MYSELF! Like…why would I purposely push myself out of the Nook? I felt so safe and secure there. Why would I want to leave this place? After speaking with my brother Junior and then my friends Nicole, Grace, and my youngest friend, Aaliyah, I realized that I got frightened by the peace I felt in the Nook. It’s like I experienced such a deep happy emotion that I felt it all couldn’t be real. So I pushed myself out of that love, laughter, and security into the raw unknown world! Why in the world would anyone do such a thing? Well for me…it may be because I’m use to pain and heartbreak. It’s real to me and I’m a realist! Love, laughter, and happiness in a romantic sense are so foreign to me! Yea….that’s fucking sad! With all we have been through over the last 6 years…I still expect the Ex Factor to fail me and I set him up to do so! I mean you should have seen me! Walking through the streets of New York…crying! I hadn’t done that shit since our worse breakup December 2012/January 2013! Like why the fuck would I put myself through that again?! I hate crying and that’s why I don’t do it often! But this time I created the circumstance for him to fail me!?Now some of us out there are so broken that we expect everyone we date to fail us! Not me! I had high standards for Elijah and really thought he would meet them! I gave him more patience and understanding in 7 months than I ever gave the Ex Factor in 6 years! ? Yea I’m working on that! If you are out there expecting the worse of everyone then you have to do some deep work on yourself! What you put out is what you will get back (referring to negativity here). For those of you who are like me…trying to work out something that feels broken since like forever….with the same person…we still got work to do on ourselves but just a different type of work! I have to ask myself…why do I want him to fail me? It might just be because I’m use to it….or it might be because I never wanted to love someone unconditionally…ever! Just wasn’t part of my plan. I like…to LIKE a guy…but damn sure spent years making sure I never fell in love with many! As I said before…the Ex Factor is my game changer. I guess the thing is…I’m not sure if I’m his…but that’s not the way loving a person unconditionally works! If I’m allowing myself to live out the bad moments…I damn sure better allow myself to live out the good ones and to not sabotage those good moments for the bad ones! So as I try to place myself back in the Nook…I struggle to not place pain and destruction on myself and my love. The Nook was not meant to hold such things! If this is all true about the NOOK…why is sabotaging our own happiness such a prevalent thing?! FEAR drives that behavior…the fear of truly being happy in a way we all didn’t imagine in our minds! Just because I didn’t dream it…doesn’t mean God didn’t! Just because I didn’t plan it…doesn’t mean it wasn’t always part of the plan! I have to get out of my own way and just be present in the moment! No sense in working myself up over something I don’t have control over! I have to save my energy and my tears for the real moments that we are going through it. No one said the journey was going to be easy but someone did whisper to my spirit that it would be worth it! ?? ~KJM saying take yourselves off the hook and allow yourselves to be happy in the Nook on Throwback Thursday!?
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