It’s tough being a Gemini! We feel so much…so suddenly…and all those feelings are real. Yes we can switch it up on people really fast but that does not make us two faced…it just makes us in tuned to every part of our mind, body, and soul. The Gemini rarely represses anything…we expose it all…sometimes in the blink of an eye. That’s us in a nutshell! And while half the time I feel out of my damn mind…I have accepted all parts of me as they submerge. ?? Perhaps this explains Saturday night. I went to bed happy and full! Then awoke in tears that flowed all day! Like all fucking day! The tears got more intense as I started googling articles about emotionally unavailable men. If you are dating or married to one…please do not Web MD your mind! Boy was I in for a mind fuck! I know I’ve warned you guys of these articles but I’m human! Of course, I still get sucked in to them. Most of the articles had some common themes (1) an emotionally available man is a lot of fucking work so ask yourself if he’s worth it (no shit)! (2) only a very independent woman who does not look for a man to be her everything can pair well with an emotionally unavailable man! (3) if I’m googling, I’m probably not in a good place and need to reassess myself! Some articles suggested I was broken (possibly true from childhood stuff) because only a broken woman would entertain a man incapable of commitment and emotions! The irony here is the articles changed their tune when addressing a wife married to an emotionally unavailable man. They basically said do the work Bitch and get him to do it too! All in all…the “experts” seem to suggest a man being emotionally unavailable must find his way with patience, freedom, and understanding! Now I get that one! We women can’t change a man! Working on ourselves is already a fucking ordeal! Can’t imagine sorting out his shit too! Further in tears, I checked in with some of my beautiful girlfriends who were in heartbreak hotel back in March when I saw them and are now happily in love! I am so overjoyed for them because I know the dark corners they had to turn to find new and reaffirming love! So proud of them but once they asked me for an update…I burst in tears because like I’m in the same fucking place they left me! A place of uncertainty with the Ex Factor. Now crying and crying, I reached out to some of my other girlfriends who would understand me or can provide guidance. Harmony and I are so much alike. She gets that we made a choice to live this freeing life without marriage and children but sometimes there’s a price to pay for it all! While I’m booking my next vacation (which I love doing) my peeps are getting engaged and having babies! I thank Harmony for getting me! It’s nice to be easily understood. Then I reached out to Scarlet and she provided some words of comfort and told me to be easy on myself…so grateful for her…because she got me on the right track….the track of self love and self acceptance. But it was when I reached out to Grace that it all came together for me. When Grace speaks…I tend to listen because she’s one of my few friends who live and breathe the scripture! She sets me straight with the Word and all of a sudden I understand myself better. Yesterday, however, she refuted some of these articles and told me to take all the good news that’s being flooded my way as a sign that happiness was on the way!?? And that’s when I did it…I had a honest conversation with myself…where I am…and what I want! I have always known that I was emotionally unavailable romantically. It’s the biggest complaint I’ve received from guys I’ve dated…especially Julio!? I feel so much but there’s very few guys that could tap into those feelings. Matter of fact…the Ex Factor is the only one and I’m willing to bet that’s because when two emotionally unavailable people meet up…one must bend a bit. And so it was me! I had to reveal parts of myself…be vulnerable…which I only started to do in 2016! As much as you all have been following the Ex Factor and I…there’s so much you do not know nor can comprehend about us. For example, we’ve never said I love you in person! I have known that I loved him since July 2010! It’s now December 2016 and I’ve yet to say it to his face! It’s not because it’s not real to me….it’s because it’s TOO real to me. I feel it in all I do! In the air I breathe, when I fall asleep at night, when I wake up in the mornings, and even when I am driving! I FEEL HIS LOVE! And it paralyzes me at times because I’m afraid that love could change the core of who I am…independent and strong…and not for the better. Another fun fact…I don’t know if I’ve mentioned…is even though he’s been in my life for 6.5 years…half of that time we were not dating! I left him every time things got hard…sometimes with a warning shot and many times without a single word. I’ve left him in the dust without an explanation because if I had to say a word…I would have stayed! Sometimes he deserved to be left but last year in particular…I should have taken Nicole, Junior, and Grace’s advice and rode out the bumps in the road until things were smooth again! But Elijah presented himself and I figured it was a sign from God to run from the Ex Factor!? I don’t regret Elijah because I learned so much about myself and the way I communicate in relationships! I learned that I was trying to control the Ex Factor with my silent treatments and nasty ways and when it didn’t work…I bounced! Elijah taught me those things when he tried to use those very same tactics on me! And it didn’t get Elijah…me…no it didn’t. I left. No matter what I’ve done…the Ex Factor has never left me…all he’s ever asked is that I’m patient and give him time to get where I need him to be. Deep…the problem with being patient (besides the fact that I have none!) is I fear that over time we may not choose each other or worse…he may not choose me! The Ex Factor is the one and only man…I’ve ever been afraid of losing. This is also a good time to remind myself and my readers that even when I realized Elijah was not the one…I sat on my ass and decided pride was more important than love. I never reached out to the Ex Factor…he reached out to me! As he has continuously been doing for the last 6.5 years! If I have to text first I’m annoyed and feel rejected because I feel like I should be catered the fuck to but if I’m being honest…I did not always deserve to be catered to! Not to mention…I’ve yet to entrust the Ex Factor with some news that’s changed my life drastically in mid July! I told him my life was changing and I needed to know if he would be there for me. He asked over and over again….what was happening and yet I still couldn’t let him in. That piece of myself that I kept tucked away is the reason I started to exert serious pressure on our situationship! I was asking him to let me in without being able to let him in my damn self! And so our lives continued to be a struggle! I would push and he would pull! Tucking ourselves away for fear of being rejected. That’s our story! This was the conversation I had with myself…perhaps I am broken but the thing I must acknowledge is I am not ready either…I just do not want to be waiting in vain. If one of you introduced me to your very serious relationship minded brother or friend…I would probably cheat on him and then leave him! ? That’s a hard fucking truth to admit but the two serious guys I’ve dated…I fucked over. Not speaking of Julio nor Elijah here! ✌?️ They were each their own joke in their own way and not ready for shit but to control somebody. A guy I use to care about once told me he was falling for me and that he wanted to marry me…I hung up the phone on him and never picked it back up. It’s 8 years later…and I still never did pick up my phone! Don’t worry…last I check…he’s now happily married. Got married shortly after I stopped picking up my phone. When a man is ready….he’s ready…and when Kingston isn’t…she ain’t!?? So I get the Ex Factor’s stance for I am the female version of him! And Lawd knows I always keep my options open or else there couldn’t have been an Elijah! Yet even with being honest with myself…it took a while to figure out where the tears were really coming from. Well I’m at the end of my period so there’s that! ? But I think the bigger reason is I’ve never worked anything out with any man before now. That’s why Julio and I didn’t make it amongst other reasons. We kept sweeping the dirt under the rug and trying to start again until the dirt was just too much! Now…with the Ex Factor…I’m surrounded by my stuff and his stuff! ? I am in the room with the dirt and I’m not sweeping it under the rug. I’m slowly trying to throw it out as we tackle each particle. And if these articles are right…the odds are not in my favor. But I LOVE HIM. These sites make love seem so easy. Like finding a man who can commit now will make a good marriage later! I hear it takes a lot more to make a marriage work…though commitment is the first step. But my follow through game is so different than many. If I don’t love that man….I will always leave him…for it’s only love that could stop me in my tracks! I need someone who appreciates my independence and is patient with me. Someone not trying to change me. Maybe I’m doomed. Maybe true heartbreak is on its way. No matter what…I want to be able to say I stood up and fought for us. That I didn’t give up until it was clear there was nothing left there to build on! So I was crying because I want to stay and be patient with this man. I want to be human. I want to take a risk on love. I want to live with my heart outside of my body. And so I right before I put the S back on my chest…I want to say that I’m choosing the life I’m living…and I’m vulnerable in this moment. ~KJM on Charm School Monday! Shout out to Harmony, Scarlet, and Grace ?
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