I am humbled and blessed to have started my new season. Family and friends took my hands as I embraced what was ahead…the unknown. So far nothing in my new season makes sense. I wake up with emotions I never expected to have at this point in my life. Everything tastes different yet I am happy. I have no idea if I will allow the Ex Factor into my new season. So much confusion there. I thought I sealed that door shut. And yet he and I always find a way to come back around full circle. The Ex Factor is either my “for better or for worse…until death does us part” or he is my obsession. If what we feel is obsession then we both have to change our colognes and move on. If he is my “for better or for worse” we will have to slowly teach each other how to take a leap of faith. How does one even leap without being certain of the future?! This week makes it 6 years he’s been in my life and my heart. SIX YEARS! He is either my husband and my children’s father or he is my greatest regret that kept me trapped in the same time and space. I’m not built like most women. “Leap,” they say as I pause in fear. I’ve spoken to Willow, Grace, Toi, and Harmony about this. Harmony and I have never leaped. It’s unfathomable to us while Willow, Grace, and Toi not only leaped but learned to fly in the process. What if I leap and instead of flying…I fall 100 stories?! I can’t go through one more heartbreak with him. What’s even more scary is what if I leap and I do learn to fly?! I’m scared of falling and flying. Flying would mean that somewhere in the midst of choosing me, I learned how to openly and freely give the Ex Factor my heart. It’s my new season and I’m excited, scared, and humbled all at the same time. Grace told me that no matter what, remember to pray and leave it all to God. No new season can stand on its own without faith. And so I pray and I try not to control it but if you had told me last month that this is how my new season would have started off…I would have told you that you were delusional. I don’t know if I’m meant to be an eagle but I know deep down inside that I am a dragon and I will breathe fire onto anyone or anything that tries to destroy me while roaming the world with a spark in my eyes and a fire in my belly. ~KJM on Charm School Monday.
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