This weekend it got so cold that I had to pull out our candles to warm my room up. It wasn’t until yesterday though that I smelt you. First, it was outside of Red Lobster. We love that place! Then last night I lit another set of our candles, laid down, closed my eyes, and suddenly I could smell you…feel you. It’s been almost a month since we last spoke. And let me just say I know I made the right decision for us both. We just could not go on how we had been. I was drowning. But I don’t think I ever let myself truly mourn you. The candles intensified that mourning. I closed my eyes and reminisced about the many cold nights over the last 5 years and three months that our candles kept us warm. Snuggled together and laughing so hard at how freezing the rooms were but how happy we were together. I missed those times more than you will ever know. But I will take them with me and I hope you will do the same! Often times we focus on the kind of loss (death) that is forever and permanent. In our last conversation, however, I felt that this was truly the end of the road for us. The days I hated you over the years still kept us connected. But when I started to resent you and get repulsed by you…well I don’t think there’s ever any coming back from that. One of the hardest kind of loss is when a loved one is alive but no words nor portions of your heart can reach them. It’s filled with loneliness even though they may be laying next to you. In 2015, I prayed this feeling would go away. Every morning I prayed 1 Corinthians 13 for you and I. I wanted us to make it but it was never meant to be. I’m going to skip going down the ugly memory lane because you were there too so you know exactly how we got here. One thing I do want to clear up is that in our last conversation I listed a bunch of things I wanted an apology for. Your last words to me was “I’ve apologized many times for those things….sometimes in person.” The question running through my mind that I held back from asking was “then why would you continue to do the same things over and over even after apologizing?” The question I ask myself is why would I continuously allow you to break my heart over and over? I gave you the last word because I wanted your statement to linger on and hope one day in your future relationship that you discover some sense of responsibility for the mess we created and grow from it. And that you learn to genuinely apologize and not just give blanket apologizes. In case you are wondering….I loved you every day in the 5 years and 3 months. Even when I hated you…I loved you even deeper. No one can ever take your place in my heart. I suspect a piece of me will always belong to you. But the other pieces are moving forward. I miss you and I pray all is well. FYI I finally started wearing clothes under my trench coat lol ~KJM
Recent Comments