Losing Myself…Easily (The Catch Yourself Edition)

I think I’ve finally figured it out. My issue with any kind of commitment to another human being. It is socially accepted…even expected (especially for women) that you must lose yourself to be fully committed to someone else besides yourself. By the end of this blog, you are probably going to think I’m the most selfish person alive and it will sum up why I’ve chosen to not marry as of yet. In times of great destruction and despair, the only person I could depend on to come to my rescue was myself and my God! I put no faith in another human being. It’s not their job to save me…even if I am their spouse. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS! And there is no parts of me that I want to give up for marriage and family. Now hear me out. Why do you think some folks are so angry during a divorce?! Amongst other reasons, one of the common ones I’ve heard time and time again is a loss of self! We sometimes blame our now dead beat spouse for the loss of our beautiful, happy, and vibrant self. Essentially…our young self. That person snatched it from us and we became buried in being the most perfect spouse and parent while the other person (typically the man) got to hang on to himself. Society does not expect nor require a man to give up a damn thing when becoming a father. Mothers are expected to leave early from work (or not work at all) so that they can make every recital and/or sporting event. Wives and mothers are expected to leave behind their old selves…forget who they are…sacrifice everything…while our male counterparts remain young and fresh. He essentially remains himself! Now this is my theory. You just don’t have to buy it. This is the reason why I run from commitment! I never want to forget me. I’ve never meshed into any man…romantically. Even the Ex Factor. I’ve never put a single one of my needs on the back burner for his needs. Nor do I expect him to do so for me. We are still growing and I’m praying that if and when sacrifices are to be made…we equally do it…putting all gender roles aside! You may be laughing at me and saying that’s impossible but if you have been reading my blogs from the beginning…you will understand that my upbringing wasn’t perfect but this is ONE OF THE AREAS WE HIT PERFECTION IN! I have a very active and loving father! Shout out to Papa Michaels! He still makes my meals to this day! ?? Yea I’m spoiled and I know it but don’t you digress. Focus on the issue at hand. Why should I forget myself? Why should I let myself go? Why should I walk around telling people that leaving the old me behind was well worth it! Lies I tell you! Pure lies! The me that showed up every time my life was falling apart is a very dependable and loyal me! That ME is a rebel! I don’t want to just give her away for the things society tells me I should. Why can’t I keep the amazing parts of her and not neglect her while building a marriage (and maybe family). That’s why I run from commitment because I’m not ready to lose me! In a way, I’m realizing the Ex Factor and I are perfect for each other. If I had settled for Julio, I would have been barefoot, pregnant, depressed, and then divorced! The key to MY happiness is loving freely and openly while holding onto my beautiful self! With this thought in mind, it dawned on me that I could only love…like truly love…a younger man!?? I’m not ready for half the things my friends have embarked on. I love my mani/pedi days! I love my solo trips (wrapping up one as we speak). I love loving the Ex Factor yet feeling like he steals nothing from my identity! ?? I love that one day I may be Mrs Ex Factor but that still won’t be as HOT as Ms Kingston Jael Michaels!? Yasss honey! And for now (and I pray forever)….the Ex Factor has clearly said he’s not going to try to change me. So another light just shined on me! Maybe I should stop trying to change him. Yea we are far from being a serious couple (I’m guessing my 50th and my engagement will be on the same day! Lol) and yes we aren’t the most romantic couple. We neglect each other sometimes. We are both emotionally deficient and I’m sure marriage and a family for us will be reality tv worthy (hoping it’s more of a family values show and not love and hip hop part xxl) but I digress…we are who we are meant to be. Our strongest relationships are still with ourselves! If we can remember that every time the road gets bumpy…we may just make it. For I truly believe that two people with a deep sense of self, who focus on not just the destination but the process of the journey, who actively make sure the sacrifices are as equal as can be…just may find happiness even when life changes and it’s not just them anymore! We can only give what we have found in ourselves. If I am depleted…I will have nothing left to give.??~KJM on Flashback Friday saying remember to be kind to yourselves every step of the way!?